by Bec Botefuhr
“Shut up Slade, just don’t do it again!”
“Whatever, are we done?”
I spin on my heel and storm off, furious at him and myself. I’m letting my emotions get the better of me, I need to slow down. I take a cold shower, resting my head on the tiles as I shiver half to death. The cold is a distraction though and I’m grateful for that. When I get out, Lucas is sitting in my room. He smiles gently over at me. He knows what this day is. Of course he would remember, he wasn’t even there and he remembers. Slade doesn’t remember, or maybe he just doesn’t care.
“Hey Dash, how are you feeling?”
“Not great, I’m so emotional, I just about tore Slade’s head off this morning for using the hot water.”
“It’s ok, you’re allowed to be upset.”
“I just don’t think I can deal with it,” I whisper, my voice too pained to use.
Lucas stands and walks over, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me to his chest. “You can deal with it, I’ll be with you the entire time.”
“Can I go to her grave alone? I just…I always do and…”
“Of course, I’ll be waiting right here, for you, when you get back.”
I nod, swallowing and sink further into him. He holds me like that a while, just stroking my back and murmuring to me. When I pull back, I take a deep breath and dress myself. I have to face this today, even though I don’t want to. When Lucas and I walk into the kitchen, Slade is getting coffee and Kandee is on the kitchen bench wearing his shirt, and by the looks of it, nothing else.
“Slade,” Lucas mutters.
“Lucas,” Slade smirks.
I pour myself a cup of coffee, keeping my eyes down. I can’t look at Slade right now, the fact that he doesn’t remember is causing my blood to boil. How could he forget? Did that night not change his life too?
“Still sour, Dash?” Slade says, stepping up beside me.
I flinch away and Lucas walks over, taking my arm and pulling me closer to him. “It’s ok, we’ll get this over with and go out for a nice lunch. Ok?”
“What are you talking about?” Slade says, staring at us.
Lucas glares at him and I slam my coffee mug down. My eyes burn with unshed tears as I look up at Slade.
“You don’t remember do you? You honestly are just a fucking jerk, Slade.”
His mouth drops open and Kandee begins cursing at me but cuts off short when I snarl at her.
“If you speak to me like that in my house again, I’ll give you something to curse about. Slade, that bitch is not welcome in my house anymore.”
Kandee’s mouth drops open and Slade raises his brows but before either can answer, I am out the door. Lucas follows behind me, taking my arm, just as I get to my car. A light rain has begun to fall and the clouds are grey. I’m sure it rains every year on this day. Lucas takes my face in his hands and looks down at me with pained blue eyes.
“I am going to be right here, ok?”
I nod, biting my lip and then I slip into my car and drive off.
Chapter Fifteen
The graveyard is quiet, I guess no one comes out when it’s raining. I walk through the rows and rows of headstones, silently praying for each and every one of them. They were all someone’s loved one, at one stage in their lives, or maybe they weren’t. All the same, they all deserve a little compassion and respect. When I find my mother’s headstone, I swallow down the lump in my throat.
I lower myself to my knees and reach out, sliding my fingers across the grainy rock. I see a bundle of fresh flowers on her grave and for a moment I wonder who put them there. Did dad come out of the house and put them down for her? Or was it just a friend of hers? Maybe a co-worker? I don’t buy flowers, I just can’t stand the idea of them slowly wilting on her grave. Instead, I place down small, plastic love heart. When I was a little girl, I loved to collect them and every time she went shopping, she would bring me one home. Now every year, I put one down for her.
“Hey mum,” I whisper, stroking the grave.
I struggle to hold back my tears, for years I came here and never shed a tear but today my emotions are far worse. I don’t really know why. Perhaps it’s the return of Slade and his father, making it all seem like it was just yesterday.
“I miss you,” I say to the stone. “I wish you were here every day. Dad doesn’t do so well without you and there are so many things I want to ask you, to tell you, to show you.”
I let a tear fall and I shuffle closer to the headstone, my chest heaves and my breathing becomes short. I would do anything in the world to bring her back, anything. I can’t though, and it’s the most heart wrenching feeling in the world. When she died, I called her phone over and over, just praying she would pick up. My dad had to wrench the phone from my hands and smash it to pieces, because I got so obsessive, I was calling it every five minutes, not believing that she could possibly be gone.
“I didn’t forget.”
I whip my head around at the voice that’s interrupted my moment. Slade is standing behind me, his hair is wet from the rain and his shirt is stuck to his skin. I look down at my own shirt, not having realized I was getting so soaked. He crouches down beside me and points to the flowers.
“They’re from you?” I whisper.
“Yesterday, I came and put them here.”
“How did…how did you know where she was buried?”
“I knew, I’ve always known.”
“Why would you…”
“I loved your mum, Dash. You know I did.”
“You never even came to her funeral.”
He bows his head and reaches out to slide his fingers over the headstone, the way I had just been doing.
“No, I didn’t, and I will regret that for the rest of my life. Just like I’ll regret that night. I don’t know what I can say to you Dash, that’s going to make any of this feel better. I can say I’m sorry a thousand times over, I can plead with you to forgive me but I can’t change it.”
“I know you’re sorry,” I whisper. “I know you loved her.”
He nods. “Yeah, I did.”
“I miss her Slade.”
My voice cracks and he surprises me by wrapping an arm around my shoulders and sitting down on the ground beside me. We just sit like that for over an hour, staring at her grave, both alone in our thoughts. Slade doesn’t move his arm from my shoulders, and the comfort is…well…comforting. We’re both soaked and I’m beginning to shiver. Slade is too, but he doesn’t move.
“Dash?” Slade whispers.
“Yeah?”
“Will you ever forgive me?”
I turn and look over at him. “One day, Slade, you might give me a reason to.”
“Dasha?”
I turn when I hear my name. I see my father standing in the rain, staring down at Slade and I with shock. I stand quickly and rush over, but he puts his hands up.
“What is he doing here?”
“He…”
“WELL?” he roars.
“He was just…”
What can I say? He’s here to pay his respects? He’s here for me? He’s here because he cares? None of those are going to work, because my father hates Slade and his father.
“I’m sorry Mr. Jewel, I was just seeing if Dash was ok.”
“You have no right to be here,” my father spits.
“No, I don’t, you’re right. I’m sorry.”
“You stay away from my daughter, Slade Devaroe. She’s too good for you, she always has been. I don’t want you anywhere near her, EVER again!”
Slade nods, his face is blank. He’s showing no emotion. “You’re right about that too, she is too good for me.”
Slade’s eyes meet mine and then he disappears into the fog without another word. My father glares down at me, and I don’t know what I can say.
“He was just seeing if I was ok, dad.”
“He has no right, to ever come near this grave, the fuc...”
My eyes widen at my father’s o
utburst. I know as children, Slade and I were competitors and our fathers didn’t like us caring about each other, but this reaction, this is strange.
“Dad, I know you don’t like Slade but…”
“I despise Slade, it goes far beyond dislike and if I ever see you near him again…”
“What?” I snarl. “What are you going to do? He’s my competitor and I’m a grown woman. You don’t get a say so in my life dad, sorry, but this conversation is finished.”
I turn to walk off, but stop and turn back. “He was here when no one else was, at least he thought to come down and support me today.”
My father’s face curls in anger and he spits the next words at me. “I came out…I thought I would see her and I find this…you have put her name to shame by bringing that boy here.”
I gape, and hot tears stumble down my cheek. “Don’t you dare tell me about shame, you haven’t left the house since she died. You haven’t done anything for yourself. She worked every day to create a home for us and all you’re doing is running it to the ground, along with her name. So don’t you dare tell me about shame, dad.”
I turn and storm into the mist. I hear my father’s pained cry, but I don’t stop. I get to my car and fumble with the key. When I get inside, I hiccup and tears stream down my cheeks so heavily that I can’t see. I have to pull myself together and get out of here. I start the car, swiping the tears away. I pull the car out, speeding off down the road. Pain grips my heart along with a great confusion. Why is my father so angry at Slade?
I drive for as long as it takes to process my thoughts. Guilt swarms me, it’s an automatic reaction. When someone you love is in the position my father is in, you’re very careful about how you treat them, how you speak to them. You tiptoe around them, in fear they’ll break. You don’t say the words you want to say, because you don’t want to be the one that causes them to end everything. I’ve lived like that for so long, but today had to happen. It just had to happen.
When I arrive back at my unit, Lucas rushes out right away, pulling me into his arms. I’m not really sure how he knew I’d need this, but I don’t care. I fall into him, desperate for comfort. He leads me inside and pulls me down onto the couch, where he holds me while I silently tremble. I don’t cry though, no, I’ve cried enough. Eventually my body begins to calm down and my eyelids droop. Lucas is warm against me and his breathing is deep and even. It calms me and soon I’m asleep, finally drifting to a world where nothing hurts.
Chapter Sixteen
I wake during the late afternoon. I shift and move, my body is sore from lying on the couch for hours. I look around and realize Lucas is gone. I guess he had to go to work. I get off the couch with a groan and walk into the kitchen, my stomach grumbles angrily at me. I pull out some bread, ham and cheese. I make myself a sandwich and shuffle about, until I find my phone, then I text Lucas and thank him, before settling back onto the couch. I don’t want to go anywhere tonight, I just don’t.
I’m thankful I don’t have to work. I work three days and three nights at a local restaurant and it’s fairly good money. It’s enough at least, to keep me from having to move back home. I wrap a blanket around myself and flick through the channels until I find a movie on television. Country Strong, I love this movie, it always makes me cry, so it’s probably not the best choice for a day like today, but I can’t look away. It just grabs me.
I’m half way through when the front door opens and Slade comes in. He’s alone, which surprises me. He’s had Kandee with him more often than not lately. He looks at me, pitifully wrapped in my blanket on the couch and smiles. He walks over and slumps down beside me, staring at the television with a scowl. I guess this movie is not his type, well so what, I like it.
“You and your girly movies, you always did like them.”
I look over at him and poke my tongue at him. He smirks and flicks it.
“Ouch, you bully.”
“Well, don’t poke it at me then.”
I pout and turn back to the television.
“Who’s the hot chick?”
I frown at him. “That’s Kelly, she’s a country music star.”
“Oh, she’s hot.”
“Slade!”
“Just sayin’.”
“Well, she kills herself in the end.”
He scrunches up his nose. “Way to ruin a good movie.”
“It’s a beautiful movie.”
“The leading lady dies, how’s it beautiful?”
I smile. “Because the leading man falls in love with the other girl, and they save each other from going down the same path.”
Slade snorts. “He must not have loved her a whole lot, if he fell in love so easily.”
“I don’t think he really loved her, he just felt connected to her. He wanted to help her, to make her better.”
Slade nods and stares at the screen a while, settling further into the couch beside me. Our thighs are touching and an electric bolt shoots through me. I swallow, suddenly uneasy. I shouldn’t be sitting this close to Slade and feeling ok about it.
“Hey Dash, you remember that first Christmas we had together?”
I smile, though it’s pained. “Yeah, you made me that stupid Christmas ball and I broke it.”
“Hey, it wasn’t stupid. I spent hours on that.”
“I know, and secretly I loved it. I pieced it all back together you know, I still have it.”
“Bullshit.”
“Serious!” I grin.
“Show me.”
I stand and drop my blanket, and I rush to my room. I dig through my cupboards until I find the ball. It’s red and made of light plastic. It’s all pieced back together with shitty super glue. It has my name on it, and Merry Christmas. I swallow and feel my throat tighten, when I stare down at it. Slade’s behind me in a moment, taking it from my hands.
“Shit, you…kept it.”
“I felt so bad that I broke it, I spent hours trying to piece it back together.”
“You did a shitty job,” he chuckles.
“Yeah, I did.”
I look up at him and our eyes meet for a long, long moment. My heart hammers and I swallow. Oh god, why am I feeling like this? I shouldn’t feel like this. Slade looks away quickly, handing the ball back to me.
“I have to go to work.”
Then he turns and rushes out of the room. I sigh and sit on the bed, rolling the ball in my hands. What the hell are all these feelings and why the hell don’t I want them to leave?
Chapter Seventeen
“Order up!”
I spin and take the plate of food and slide it onto my arm, before rushing out and taking it to the correct table. Work is busy today, over the top busy. I have not stop running for the last two hours. I turn and there’s another order ready to be taken out and someone is shitty because they don’t like the food. Get over it. I rush around like a mad woman, clearing and serving, taking orders and politely smiling as customers complain. Customer is always right….yeah….right.
“Dash, another one.” The chef calls from the kitchen.
“Coming Lyle.”
I rush over and take the next lot of plates, serving them quickly and then heading back to the counter to serve a woman, waiting by the register, with her foot tapping.
“How can I help you ma’am?”
“I have been waiting for ten minutes.”
“I’m so sorry, we’re short staffed today.”
“An efficient business would have back up.”
“The backup is sick,” I say, smiling.
Stupid old hag.
“Well, I’m disgusted with the service, I’ll be going somewhere else.”
“I’m so sorry you feel that way, let me give you a free coffee before you leave. It’s the least I could do for being so slow.”
Her eyes widen and she stares at me, analyzing my expression to see if I’m serious or not. I smile sweetly and she finally cracks one back.
“That’s very kind of you,
perhaps I will scan the menu.”
“Then let me take you to a seat and get you started.”
I look back at the kitchen and Lyle is shaking his head and grinning at me. Yeah, that’s how it’s done! I finish up my shift and the lady leaves, extremely pleased. See, a little kindness and admitting one is wrong, goes a long way. I say goodbye to Lyle and take my keys, before leaving for the afternoon. Slade and I have another race this afternoon, so I have to go home quickly, before it starts.
When I get in, Slade is in the bedroom and I can hear Kandee giggling. Seriously, does the girl know how to do anything else but giggle like a little girl? I thought I told Slade she wasn’t allowed over again, it’s nice to know he listens so well. I walk into my room and slip into the shower, at least I have hot water. When I get out, I realize my racing clothes are on the lounge ready to be folded. Great. I peer out the bedroom door and I can still hear Kandee giggling.
I rush out and dig through the clothes on the couch, tossing Slade’s jocks aside. I find my shirt and spin around, only to slam into a hard chest. I gasp and leap back, and my towel drops off me as my arms fly out to steady myself. Colour fills my cheeks as I realize the position I’m in. I’m half on the couch, supporting myself so I don’t fall, butt naked and Slade is staring down at me.
His eyes grow lusty as he slowly, yes, very slowly, takes me in. When he meets my eyes again, I’m scrambling to gather up my towel. Jesus, I can’t believe that just happened. Slade grins and reaches out to offer me his hand, but I slap it away. He opens his mouth to speak but I put my hand up quickly, oh no, we are not going to go over this one.
“Don’t you dare speak.”
He smirks and shakes his head, putting his hands up. He opens his mouth again but I cut him off with an, “ah ah!”
His laugh fills my ears and I can’t help but smile. He leans down and takes his own racing shirt, then he gives me a grin so wide, it has me flushing again.
“Nice ass, Dashy,” he says, and then rushes off down the hall.
