Please Grace. We need the money and they pay well. Just for a little longer till I can find another part-time job?
She replied to her mother with an OK, her head wrecked with guilt and frustration all at the same time. She might be twenty-three now, but she still couldn’t get away from feeling responsible for her two sisters who she believed deserved a better childhood.
“I was wondering where you were. Lulu needs a bath” Moira had walked in on her staring at her phone. Grace nodded a curt response and started making her way to Lulu’s bedroom instead.
“They’re out by the pool” Moira called out to her and Grace quietly, changed direction. By “they” she was hoping Moira meant Lulu and Elena.
It was obviously Ben who was playing with Lulu when Grace slid open the glass doors and stepped outside. Lulu squealed joyfully and ran to her and Grace instinctively picked her up in her arms.
“Did you have a good day?” she asked Lulu and got a vigorous nod in response.
“I missed you so much Grace. You should have come” Grace couldn’t help but smile at the way Lulu’s red curls shook when she spoke, as she flailed her arms dramatically. From the corner of her eye, she could sense that Ben had stood up from the deck chair and was walking towards them.
“Yeah, you should have come Grace” he said and she finally lifted her eyes to meet him. He was in a pair of Khaki shorts and a blue casual t-shirt. She remembered how it was only last evening when her nails were digging into the muscles of his back which were now flexed as his hands remained in the pockets of his shorts.
“I had some errands to run for myself” Grace said to Lulu rather than her father.
“Baby, why don’t you run along inside for your bath and Grace will join you in a minute?” Ben spoke sweetly to his daughter who skipped out of Grace’s arms and ran in.
“I need to give her a bath” Grace crossed her arms across her chest but Ben interrupted her.
“I know, but I want to talk to you” he said and she looked away from him. “I know how this looks. You think I’m a jerk”
“No, you’re being a husband and a father. I can’t hold that against you” she wasn’t looking at him while she spoke and she could feel his eyes boring into her.
“But last evening…What happened…I mean’t every move and every word” he said and she was afraid he might try to touch her, so she instinctively backed away.
“I’m going to try and forget it ever happened” Grace said and he remained quiet for a few seconds.
“Moira this morning felt too guilty about her behavior yesterday. I can’t break up the family now. Not when Lulu is so small. She needs a mother” he said and Grace could feel tears stinging the back of her eyes.
“I know” she forced herself to say. Ben had started walking past her towards the house.
“Grace. It wasn’t a lie. Just bad timing” he said without turning to look at her as he pulled the sliding door open and stepped in. He left it open for her but she remained standing by the pool for a few minutes longer. She didn't know how she was going to do it, live and work in the same house as Ben Perry, after what happened.
She decided she would start looking for another job and leave the moment she got something new, but the thought of leaving Lulu saddened her equally. At least, this way she would have some time to prepare.
Elena’s voice interrupted her thoughts.
“Grace, Mrs. Perry is looking for you. She says she wants you to give Lulu a bath now” Elena said and she turned around with a sigh.
“Tell her I’m on my way now and Lulu is getting ready for it in her room” Grace said exhaustedly as she started to walk towards the house.
“You would think a mother would want to bathe her child at least once in her lifetime. She’s sitting in the living room filing her nails” Elena said all of it in a whisper and rolled her eyes. Grace smiled weakly at her, hoping her expression didn’t give away how she actually felt about the situation.
“You’re very patient with Mrs. Perry. Too patient” Elena added as Grace squeezed past her and walked into the house.
“I can’t help it Elena, I love Lulu too much” she said and threw her another effortful neutral smile. She couldn’t tell her that she was patient and hardworking also because, as much as she denied it, she loved Ben Perry too much as well. That she had too many emotions to put a finger on and all she could do now was carry on.
*****
It had been nearly three weeks since that evening and now Grace felt unwell. She was nauseous the whole day and her breasts were sore. Worst of all, she had nobody to talk to about what was happening to her, except Lulu.
After dinner, Grace spent the evening with Lulu in her room lying on the floor as the little girl read out fairytales to her from a book.
“Lulu I need to go to the toilet” she said, suddenly sitting up. She knew she was going to be sick. She used Lulu’s bathroom, sitting on the toilet floor and clutching the bowl with her hands. She could feel her hair pasted to her forehead and when she stood up she looked at herself in the mirror. There were dark circles under her eyes, her face was covered in sweat and she had never looked more tired. She washed her mouth and ate a dollop of Lulu’s toothpaste before stepping out.
Grace was surprised to find Elena in the room, holding Lulu’s hand.
“What happened to you? Lulu came looking for me and said you’re sick” Elena came towards her to feel her forehead.
“Nothing. I think I’m coming down with something. It might be a good idea for me to stay away from Lulu” she said and smiled weakly at Lulu who pouted her lips and made sorry eyes.
“Sorry Lulu, I need to get some rest” Grace said and Elena patted Lulu’s head.
“I’ll tuck her into bed don’t worry. You should get some shut eye” Elena said as Grace left the room, dragging her feet along the floor. She didn’t need to get a test to know that she was pregnant. She was sure she was. She was sure she was carrying Lulu’s step sister.
Back in her room she flung herself on the bed and cried into the blanket. This was the first time she had allowed herself to cry, and she was hoping it would make her feel better. It didn’t. She had no idea what she could do to take care of the child that would arrive in this world, nine months later. She had been through it before, through her mother’s third pregnancy which had resulted in her youngest sister being born, eight months after her father had already disappeared.
Her biggest disappointment was that her own child might end up having the same childhood as herself and her sisters, one with an absentee father.
There was a knock on the door and Manuel’s voice got her out of the bed. She wiped her cheeks with her knuckles and hoped she didn’t look like an absolute mess when she opened the door.
“Are you okay? Mr. Perry sent me to ask you what you would like for dinner. Should I make you a chicken stew or something?” Manuel sounded concerned. The very thought of food made her sick again and she just shook her head.
“No, I’m okay Manuel, not hungry. I just need to get some sleep and I’ll feel better” she said and shut the door, not waiting for Manuel’s response even though she was aware of how rudely she had just behaved. The fact that Ben had sent Manuel, made her angry.
Manuel had not been gone for ten minutes when there was a knock on the door again. It was Elena. Grace opened the door and smiled but knew something was wrong, Elena looked like she was going to burst out crying.
“It’s Mrs. Perry. She thinks you should move out of the house for a few days till you recover. She doesn’t want Lulu to catch what you have” Elena sounded and looked angry as she spoke, while Grace felt like she had been kicked in the stomach.
“She wants me to leave?” her lips were quivering and she was fighting a strong urge to burst into tears.
“Well, honestly, she’s more worried about herself getting the sniffles for a few days than Lulu contracting a deathly fever” Elena gritted her teeth while she spoke and edged into Grace’s
room.
“No, I understand. They’re looking out for their daughter” Grace remained standing at the door, she didn’t really want anybody making themselves comfortable in the room.
“No, it’s only Mrs. Perry. They’re fighting again because Mr. Perry thinks it's cruel to turn you out of the house, especially when you’re sick and you need rest” Elena’s voice had softened and she looked like she was going to give Grace a hug.
“I’ll leave anyway. I’m no use here and Mrs. Perry is right. Lulu needs to be kept away from the bug”
“No. She’s not right. She’s cruel. This is your home and has been for the past two years. This is where you would want to be while you’re recovering from a fever!” Elena was riled up and all Grace wanted was to be left alone. She went over and patted Elena on the back and smiled.
“It’s not that bad. I’ll be fine. Besides, I’ve been meaning to go up and visit my family anyway. This will be a good excuse” Grace said and tried to smile.
“If you say so” Elena said, and grudgingly started to leave the room. Grace tried to keep her smile intact.
“She wants you gone soon” Elena said, without looking at Grace directly. She was ashamed of being the bearer of such harsh news.
“Tell her I’ll leave in an hour” Grace said, keeping up the smile. She shut the door gently behind Elena and broke into tears again. Her head knocked against the wood of the door as she sobbed silently. The whole thing was a mess. Her heart was breaking, she was pregnant with Ben’s child and his wife was kicking her out of the house. Also, she knew she would not be able to say goodbye to Lulu properly before she left.
*****
Grace decided to take her ten-year-old sister, Kayla, to Lulu’s park. It had been nearly two months since she had left the house and she had an urge to hear Lulu’s voice again, an urge she could no longer control.
A week after she had returned home, she had received a call from the Perry household which she ignored. When she checked her voicemail, she realized it had been Moira calling.
When are you coming back Grace? I have a bachelorette party I need to attend in a few days and I don’t want to leave Lulu alone with Elena - she said in her message.
She sent Moira a text message in response, a few hours later.
I apologize Mrs. Perry but I won’t be able to return. I’m still unwell and I want to stay with my family as my mom needs me around the house. Sorry for the short notice - Grace wrote back.
This is extremely unprofessional of you. Don’t ask me for a recommendation - came the prompt reply.
Grace had lied, her mother didn’t need her around the house. What she did need was the extra cash which Grace could no longer help her with. It took her a few more days to confess to her mother that she was pregnant but did not reveal to her who the father was. She spent the next few weeks staying at home with her two sisters, and keeping the house clean while her mother worked three part-time jobs to pay the bill.
It was no wonder therefore, that she kept away from the park. She didn’t want to see Lulu, more importantly, she didn’t want Lulu to see her. But it had been too long, she couldn’t stay away for much longer without staying up in bed all night.
As they walked to the park, Kayla walked ahead of Grace, excited about walking the extra half an hour to the other side of town, to visit a new park.
“You go on ahead Kayla. I’ll follow you in a minute” Grace said as she spotted Lulu in the playground, on a swing. She slowed down, taking each step gingerly at a time, already regretting the fact that she had made such a bold decision.
She tidied her hair, making sure her golden curls were neatly tucked away behind her ears. The loose black peasant top she was wearing kept her small baby bump well hidden. When she neared the edge of the playground she waved wildly and called out Lulu’s name. The thought of looking around for the new babysitter didn’t enter her mind.
Lulu jumped off the swing and ran towards her, squealing in excitement. She swung into Grace’s arms with ease and they hugged tightly. Grace could smell Lulu’s hair, feel her soft cheeks and she pressed her eyes tightly shut.
“Where have you been Grace? I’ve missed you so much” Lulu was near tears and Grace stroked her red hair gently.
“I haven’t been well Lulu. I came to see you because I missed you so much” Grace eased Lulu off her arms and on to the grass. She bent down to meet Lulu’s face directly with a broad grin. She felt like she had never been happier.
“But you didn’t even say good bye” Lulu’s lips were quivering, Grace could only imagine how many sleepless nights Lulu must have spent, staying awake for Grace to return.
“I’m so sorry darling. I wish I could take that back” Grace kissed Lulu’s cheek and squeezed her shoulder gently.
“Daddy’s here!” Lulu said and looked around, Grace jerked her own head around in shock and found Ben standing a few feet away from them, leaning against a tree. He was in crisp blue jeans and his usual loose checked shirt. His hair was neatly combed back and dark sunglasses covered his usually bright eyes. Grace straightened up as he started to walk towards them.
“You bring Lulu to the park nowadays?” were the first words Grace said to him, even though what she really wanted to do was bury her face in his chest. He crossed his arms when he came to a stop next to Lulu, placing his hand at the back of her small head.
“At least a few times every week. I want her to remember what her daddy looks like at least” he said and they both exchanged a smile.
“How have you been Grace? You left so suddenly” he asked and slowly pulled the glasses off his face. Grace shrugged and tried to smile again.
“Keeping busy. Helping my mom around the house” she said and started fidgeting with the strap of the straw bag hanging from her shoulder.
“I hope you’ve been feeling better for a while. I didn’t get a chance to wish you well. You were gone from the house before I knew it” Ben said and she looked away, smiling down at Lulu instead.
“Baby, go play. I need to talk to Grace” he said to his daughter and Lulu ran back to the swing she had been eyeing for a few seconds now.
“Grace…” he began but she held a hand up to stop him.
“Please don’t say anything Ben. I don’t want to hear it. I’m trying to move on” she said and she could feel her lips quivering.
“Well, I’m not even trying” he said and took a few steps towards her.
“It didn’t look like you had a problem moving on” she snapped and saw the way his eyes narrowed.
“I was trying to keep my family together” he snapped back and dropped his voice again, looking to see if Lulu noticed them. “But now I know it’s impossible”
Grace jerked her head up to meet his eyes, “what do you mean?”
“It’s impossible to keep this family together. Moira is back to her usual antics. She went away for a supposed bachelorette party and came back from Las Vegas, two weeks later, several thousand dollars short and with a hickie on her throat the size of a tennis ball” Ben ran his fingers through his hair, Grace suddenly remembered this particular gesture of his, only a few minutes before the only time they had ever made love. It literally made her heart ache.
“I’m sorry you’re going through this” she finally said, after remaining silent for some time. Ben started shaking his head.
“I’ve been a fool Grace. I’ve been a fool for letting you slip away. For hurting you” he stepped in closer towards her and placed his hands on her shoulders. She recoiled from the touch, so afraid that he would somehow manage to hurt her again.
“Please Ben. I’m trying to get over you. I came here to see Lulu. I’m angry that you’re here” she whipped away from him, allowing his hands to fall to his sides.
“Grace will you just hear me out”
“No. You’ve hurt me once before and I’m not going to let it happen again”
“I know. Let me make up for it”
“I can’t take the risk
again”
“Why?” she finally turned to look at him, the fire was in her eye and for the first time, he was the one recoiling from her glare.
“I cannot take the risk of putting my child through it” she said through gritted teeth. She hadn’t even realized that her hands were bunched into fists and her nails were digging into her own flesh.
“What are you talking about Grace?” his eyes had widened.
“That I’m carrying your child and I have no intention of putting it through the experience of being turned away by you” she could feel the tears coming.
“Grace…why didn’t you”
“I don’t want you to even consider it, that I’ll allow you to be a part of our lives” he had inched closer to her again but she backed away. His face, his lips, his chest, the hands; everything was making her weak in the knees and she was trying very hard to remain angry with him.
“Grace. If there is one thing you should know about me. It is that I will do anything for my children. If you’re pregnant with my baby, I will love it as fiercely as I love Lulu” he whispered the words to her, but she could see his body shaking. He was trying hard to control his emotions as well.
“Grace!” she heard Kayla’s voice behind her and she turned around. “What’s going on?” Kayla asked her as she walked over hurriedly to her and pulled her away by the hand.
“We’re leaving. Now” Grace snapped at her, displacing her anger toward her sister.
“But we just got here” Kayla whined but Grace continued to walk away, trying to leave the park as quickly as she could. Thankfully Ben didn’t call out to her or try to stop her in any way. It was only when they reached the street that she remembered she hadn’t said goodbye to Lulu, again.
*****
Grace stroked her belly. She was standing in front of the mirror, still in the same black peasant top after she returned home from the park with Kayla. She still wasn’t sure if she was prepared to be a mother, if she was going to be good enough for the child she was carrying.
Sucker for the Boss Page 40
