“Ugh.” I tossed my phone to the top of his desk and took a violent bite of my turkey wrap.
“Your place or mine?” he repeated.
“Mine. And Jay will be there so don’t get any ideas.”
“Too late.” He smiled. “I’m full of ideas.”
***
Another Wednesday, another trip to the hospital. We were hoping to get the results from last week’s tests. My mom was in a pretty good mood, knowing that she likely wouldn’t have any tests or procedures today. Plus, after the doctor’s appointment, we planned to have a nice lunch at the Gallery. She wanted to stop in and see her employees and spend some time with them while she was still feeling relatively well.
We made our way through the familiar halls to the oncologist’s office. After we signed in, the nurse took some blood, measured my mom’s blood pressure, and weighed her. I was discouraged to see she’d lost another two pounds since last week. I was really going to have to work hard to get her to eat more.
After the obligatory check-up, we were led to an exam room. My mom refused to sit on the table, because she said the paper made her feel like a patient. I didn’t point out that she was a patient. I let her sit in the chair while I walked around the room, looking at all of the anatomical posters on the walls. We waited so long for Dr. Schuman that I even had time to read most of the pamphlets on the countertops. The only pamphlets I didn’t read were those about care giving and dealing with hospice. Even though I was one of my mom’s caregivers, it felt like reading those would be admitting too much about her sickness. Mainly, that one day I’d need one of the hospice pamphlets and I didn’t want to think about that.
As a habitually confrontational person, I found it absurd that I couldn’t manage to confront the biggest problems in my life—my mother’s sickness, my attraction to Huck, and my inability to get close or trust people. Jay had somehow snuck past my defenses and earned my trust, but the door had slammed shut behind him and I hadn’t let anyone else in since.
After waiting in the stifling exam room for thirty minutes, Dr. Schuman finally graced us with his presence. He shook our hands before opening my mother’s folder and flipping through the information. Shouldn’t he have done that before he came in? Everything about him always seemed to piss me off, especially the way he sucked on his teeth as he read the chart.
“How are you feeling, Ms. Durand?” he asked, without looking up.
“I’d feel a lot better if I didn’t have to wear this thing.” My mom reached up and touched the hair on her head, shifting the wig slightly.
The doctor didn’t even bother to look up from his papers to take note of what “this thing” even was. He was still sucking on his teeth and I wanted to kick them in. “I’m afraid I have some unfortunate news, Ms. Durand.” He finally looked up. “The results from the scans done last week show that your tumor has begun to grow again.”
There was a slight pause before my mother spoke. “Already?”
“I’m afraid so.”
“Can we do another round of chemotherapy or radiation?” she asked. “To give me some more time?”
“Unfortunately, we’ve done all the radiation we can do to that part of your body. And additional chemotherapy isn’t really an option either. We chose the chemo we thought would be most effective in the first round. It’s possible that we could do another round of a different chemo, but I can’t promise it would help. In fact, it most likely wouldn’t do much but make you feel worse. It might not affect the tumor at all.”
“But, what if I wanted to try anyway?”
“We could have you come back next week for some additional tests to see if you’re up for it. Right now your blood counts and general health are not ideal for further treatment.”
“I see.”
“I’m sorry, Ms. Durand.”
“So, that’s it? If my general health doesn’t improve, there are no other options?”
“We’ll continue to see you each week for palliative care, to make sure you’re comfortable.”
“You mean until I die.” My mother’s words were unemotional, but they stabbed me in the chest with such force, I felt myself stumble backward. I was sure my soul was bleeding right out of my body and all over the white, tiled floor. I’d heard her talk about dying a hundred times in the last few months, but this was the first time that I actually realized that her time was slipping away with absolute finality. The treatments were supposed to buy her time, but the tumor was already growing. She’d only been finished with the chemo and radiation for a month and the cancer was at work again. It was so fucking unfair!
I wanted to break something. Rip something. Cry. I wanted to scream at God and tell him how unfair this was. And then I remembered that I wasn’t sure I really believed in God. Especially now. If there was a God, how could he let this happen to her? To us? To me? Blood was roaring in my ears and my mother and the doctor were talking, but I wasn’t paying much attention. The only words I kept hearing were “until I die” echoing through my mind. I rubbed the sides of my head to clear the stormy confusion of my fear and grief.
“Yes,” I heard my mother say. “Please give me some names of hospice providers nearby. I’d like to research them ahead of time.”
Of course she did. My mother the planner. I should be the one taking the pamphlets and talking to the doctor. I should be the one to bear this burden and relieve her of the worry. I owed it to her to be the strong one. I finally forced myself to snap out of my self pity, step forward, and take the information from Dr. Schuman.
“One more thing,” my mother said.
“Yes?” Dr. Schuman asked.
“Since it looks like I won’t be having any more treatments and my health will likely be declining, I’m planning to take a trip next week. Is there anything I should be concerned about?”
“No, I don’t see why not as long as you’re accompanied and—“
“Mom,” I interrupted. “What are you talking about? You’re not going on a trip.”
She laughed. “Oh, Cat, you’re so adorable when you’re overprotective. But yes, I am. I want to go visit my cousin, Alicia, in Las Vegas.”
“She can come visit you,” I countered.
“I want to go to Las Vegas.”
I looked at the doctor for support, but he merely said. “That should be fine as long as you don’t go alone.”
“Fine. I’ll go with you. I have plenty of vacation time saved up,” I said.
“I’d rather you didn’t,” my mom replied.
“What?” I couldn’t decide if I was more hurt or offended.
“There are some parts of this journey that I need to do without you,” my mom said. “This is one of those things.”
“But mom,” I argued. “He just said you can’t go alone.” And how could she want to go without me? How could she want to spend a day away from me when we had so few left?
“I’ll take Nadine and Glenn. They’ve already agreed to go.”
“How long have you been planning this? And why didn’t you tell me?” I was nearly yelling and Dr. Schuman was ignoring us, checking a message on his phone.
“I made the decision after Thanksgiving. And I didn’t tell you because I knew you would react like this.”
“But, Mom—”
“I need to go, Cate. Without you.”
She was an adult. I couldn’t make her let me go. She wanted time with her cousin and she didn’t want me there. As much as I hated it, I knew I had to let her go alone. Saying goodbye would be hard to do and I realized even though it was only a trip, it would be one of the easier goodbyes I would have to say to my mom in the coming months.
— HUCK —
24. BREAK DOWN
Cat and I didn’t have our normal Monday movie trivia lunch in my office. We had a meeting at the Hoffman corporate office to go over all of the promotional materials they still needed for their conference. Although Cat was fully in her Cate Maverick persona—brilliant and professional—
I noticed something wasn’t quite right. Her eyes seemed distant and her voice didn’t hold the excitement it usually did. She gave the right answers, she came up with perfect solutions, but the magic of Cat’s personality was dormant for some reason. I’m sure the clients didn’t notice, but I did.
Together, we took a cab back to William Stone Media after the meeting.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
“Yeah, I’ve got it all under control,” she said, straightening the notes she’d taken. “Everything will be done on time, don’t worry.”
“I’m not worried about the conference, I’m worried about you.”
“Don’t. I’m fine.”
“You wouldn’t tell me if you weren’t fine, though, would you?” Her silence told me I was right. “How is your mom doing?” I pressed. The slight intake of breath and her nervous glance out the window was all the answer I needed.
Cat shrugged and looked down at the folder in her lap, shifting papers to stay busy and keep from meeting my eye as she spoke. “She’s good. She’s going on a trip to Vegas later this week.”
“Oh, that’s right. I remember at Thanksgiving she said she had plans this weekend. You’re still going to the Christmas Gala for Legend Records, right?”
A small laugh escaped Cat’s mouth, but it was a bitter one. “If I don’t, I’ll have to listen to my mother complain that I wasted a perfectly good dress.” She finally looked up at me. “You should see the ridiculous thing she bought me. I’m going to look like I fell into a box of glitter.”
“Well, now I’m intrigued.”
“She had the damn thing handmade for me.” Cat shook her head. “I have to wear it, I can’t say no.”
“I never thought I’d see the day when Cate Maverick was forced to say yes to something she didn’t want.”
“Me either.”
***
I didn’t see Cat for the rest of the week. Tuesday and Thursday she locked herself in her office to work on her projects without interruption. On Wednesday, she was out of the office, as usual.
On Friday afternoon, I went to Cat’s office and knocked on the door. When she opened it, she looked at me strangely.
“We don’t have a meeting today,” she accused me. She was wearing slim black pants that looked professional, but also a little like she could be out fighting crime in them. Her shirt was grey and it dipped dangerously low at the collar, inviting me to take a look. Which I did. Quickly. Her black suit jacket was tight fitting and made me think of how much fun it would be to peel her out of it. Before coming out to California, I’d always been able to control my thoughts, but Cat derailed me time and time again. Maybe it was because I’d had a small taste of what it was like to be with her, or maybe it was the lure of the forbidden. Whatever the case, when I was around Cat, she consumed me.
“I was just checking to see what time you’d like me to pick you up for the Gala tomorrow,” I said.
“I’m driving separately.”
“That doesn’t make sense, Cat. We live close to each other, why waste the gas?”
“I’m living at my mom’s now,” she reminded me.
“Jay told me you’d be staying at your place while she was gone.”
“Did he now?” She shook her head and muttered, “Traitor.”
“It’s just a simple ride in the car, no big deal.”
“Nothing with you is just simple, Stone. All of it is a very big deal.” She sighed and looked down at the floor. “I’ll think about it,” she added before closing the door and dismissing me.
***
I stayed late that night knowing that with Christmas coming up next week, I’d be overloaded with work. Our clients would want to take time off for the holidays and they’d want to make sure all of their projects were finished beforehand. That meant it was like our version of tax season—late nights, long hours, and a constantly full email box.
I could still remember the days when a Friday night meant a date with a beautiful woman and the promise of a warm body in my bed. How things had changed since I’d moved to the west coast. Or was it me that had changed? Bridget had sure done a number on me. Or maybe Cat was the one that had changed me. I barely remembered what it was like living my old life—drinks at a bar, a giggling blonde on my arm, and a weekend of tousled sheets. My nights and weekends now usually included Jay. It was like we were co-dependent, broken compasses. Without Cat in our lives, neither of us seemed to have much direction.
Exiting the building into the parking garage, I realized it was nearly empty. But instead of silence, I was met with echoes of some of the foulest language I’d ever heard. Even if I hadn’t recognized the voice, I would have known exactly who was capable of saying those kinds of things. Probably because she’d said those very things to me many times before.
Cate Maverick was in the parking garage. And she was pissed.
I followed the sounds down the ramp to the next level to find an old, mint-condition, lime green sports car with its hood up. The finest ass I’d ever seen was in plain view as Cat leaned over the edge of the car to peer in at the engine.
“Mother fucking piece of shit!” she yelled, standing up and kicking the fender before slamming the hood down.
I winced. Her car was in pristine condition and as angry as she was, she could do some serious damage that she’d probably regret later. Cat opened the door to the car and slipped into the black leather bucket seat with furious grace. I heard the jangling of keys as she tried to start the car. Not a sound. The thing didn’t even turn over. I leaned against the nearest pillar and watched as she grabbed her phone, punched in a few numbers, and brought it to her ear. She was silent for a few seconds before she cursed quietly.
Finally she spoke, her voice echoing loudly through the empty garage. “Jay, can you give me a call? My fucking car is dead and I’m stuck here all alone at work. I need a ride home if you haven’t already gone out for the night. If I don’t hear from you in ten minutes, I’m calling a cab. Love you, Cupcake.” She ended the call and tossed the phone into the passenger seat before leaning her head back into the headrest.
Time to make my move.
“You need some help?”
Cat sat up and turned to look at me. I almost thought she was going to tell me everything was fine and decline any offer for help, but she closed her eyes and stayed that way a second too long, as if trying to make up her mind. It was almost as if she didn’t have the effort to lie and brush me off like she usually did.
“My car won’t start.”
“Want a jump?”
“I don’t have any jumper cables.”
“I’ve got some in my trunk. Pop the hood, I’ll go get my car.”
She did as I asked, and I jogged back up the ramp and brought my car around, angling it in the parking spot next to her so the hoods were close together. I handed her one side of the cable while I clipped the other to my battery. When I turned back around, she was leaning over the edge of her car, the cable in hand, staring at the battery like it was an animal that might bite her.
“I have no idea where these things go,” she said.
I’d just assumed earlier when she was looking under the hood that she knew what she was doing. She leaned further over the edge of the car and her shirt rode up, showing me quite a bit of her naked back above her low-riding pants.
“Take your time,” I responded. “I’ve got a nice view.”
Cat spun around and for a second I thought she might clip the cable to my nuts.
“Need me to do it?” I asked, holding out my hand.
“Cars aren’t really my thing,” she said, handing me the cable.
“Really? I figured with a sweet ride like this, it must be a hobby of yours. Why did you buy an old car like this if it’s not your thing?”
“I didn’t buy this stupid piece of shit, it was my father’s. He left it to me. Just what every girl wants—a 1973, ugly ass, lime green Barracuda.”
I didn’t say anything as I
attached the clips to the nodes of her battery. From what little she’d said of her father, I was surprised she’d kept something that had belonged to him. It probably meant more to her than she let on. Or maybe she just was too lazy to bother with getting another car.
“It’s a nice car,” I pointed out.
She shrugged. “It gets me from here to there. Usually,” she added hatefully.
“Get in and try to start it,” I suggested.
Cat moved into the front seat and twisted the key, but the car refused to turn over. She waited a few more seconds and tried again. Still nothing. I got in my car and revved the engine. I didn’t really know what I was doing, but I’d seen my father do it once when I was younger. We tried for a while longer to get her car to start, but had no success.
“What do you think is wrong with it?” she asked as I climbed out of my seat.
“Cars really aren’t my thing either,” I admitted. “I think you’re going to have to call a tow company.” I unhooked the cable from both batteries and tossed it into my backseat.
“And Jay hasn’t called back,” she muttered.
“I can give you a ride home,” I offered. “No sense in Jay coming all the way out here if he already left the city. We’re essentially going to the same place, anyway.”
Cat was quiet for a moment, staring at her shiny, dead car.
“Thanks,” she finally said, surprising me. “Do you mind waiting until a tow truck comes?”
***
An hour later, I was pulling up outside of her apartment building. Aside from her constant texting with Jay, we managed to have a comfortable conversation. She let Jay know that I was bringing her home, but I had no idea what else they were texting about.
“Want to come up and watch a movie with us?” Cat asked when I brought the car to a stop next to the sidewalk. “I owe you a movie, remember?”
“That depends on what you’re watching.” No it didn’t. As long as I had an invite, I was coming up no matter what we were watching. I think we both knew that.
“Magic Mike.” She licked her lower lip and then bit it as she studied my reaction. I was sure she was trying to keep from laughing. There was no way she’d be watching that movie.
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