I look up, letting my fingers play with the collar of his polo shirt, and give him a small smile of relief. ‘I think that was our first row,’ I murmur. Which is good, because it means our relationship is genuine and means just as much to him as it does to me.
When we finally return downstairs, Paul has gone and Gran is behind the counter, talking to Granddad’s photo as if nothing has happened.
We spend the next evening making up and, afterwards, Lewis suggests I bring Frosty up to the farm.
‘Are you sure?’ I say.
‘It’s time we tried to sort the dog issue out. Neither of us has much time off – at least, not at the same time, and not being able to walk the dogs together or having to keep driving back to the farm to let the collies out is a pain in the neck.’
‘Sometimes it feels as if Frosty’s running my life,’ I admit, ‘but I’d rather keep them apart.’
‘We can’t do that for ever. She could go on for another twelve years yet. That’s a lot of inconvenience.’
‘If we should stay together that long,’ I point out.
Lewis grins. ‘You’re such an old pessimist. Who knows what will happen?’
‘I thought owning a dog was supposed to be fun, not an ordeal. What you’re saying makes sense, though. We can’t go on like this, but I’m scared of what Miley and Frosty might do to each other.’ My lip quivers as I picture them tearing each other apart. ‘Frosty’s been better with other dogs since she came back from Otter House, but that doesn’t mean she’ll be any, less offensive to Miley.’
‘We’ll supervise, and make sure there’s no food involved,’ Lewis continues. ‘If there’s any sign of aggression between the two girls, we’ll separate them again.’
He’s convinced me to give it a try, but it is with some trepidation that I take Frosty up to the farm the following evening. When I pull into the farmyard, Lewis comes out of the annexe to greet me.
‘Anyone would think you’d been waiting for me,’ I say, smiling, as I get out of the car.
‘I’ve been waiting all day,’ he says, reaching out and pulling me close. I throw my arms around his neck and we kiss passionately until Frosty utters a whine of impatience.
‘Are you sure about this?’ I ask him.
‘This,’ he murmurs, holding me tighter against his long, lithe body, ‘or the dogs?’
I take some time to answer, enjoying the contact. ‘What do you think?’
‘I’ll make sure I keep Miley under control,’ he says. ‘I can’t say the same for myself, though . . .’
‘Later,’ I say, giving him a gentle shove. ‘Come on, let’s go for a stroll before it rains.’
We walk the dogs with Miley and Frosty on leads, taking them into one of the fields so they have plenty of space not to feel threatened. Lewis and I sit down on the grass a few feet apart and let the dogs choose whether or not to make an approach. In the end it’s Frosty who goes first – a good sign, I think, because it suggests she isn’t completely terrified of Miley, who freezes as she sniffs at her nose.
‘Chill, Zara,’ Lewis says quietly.
Miley moves along Frosty’s side, arching her back and holding her tail upright. The fur on her scruff stands up on end, as do the hairs on the back of my neck. Frosty bows and wags her tail, and Miley bows in return, uttering a yap as if to say, ‘Let’s play.’
‘They’ll be okay,’ Lewis says, getting up to let both dogs off their leads.
I sit back, breathing a sigh of relief as the two girls chase around at speed, Frosty’s long legs soon overtaking Miley. Mick joins in, another potential flashpoint, but he can’t keep up with them, dropping back to sit with Lewis while waiting for their return.
‘That couldn’t have gone any better,’ Lewis says when we’re back in the annexe. ‘They cleared the air with that fight they had before. I know it will take a long time to trust them when there’s food around, but we can at least walk them together and have them in the same room.’ He sits down on the sofa and I sink down beside him.
‘Do you realise this has been my first full day off in four weeks?’ Lewis says.
‘I do – I’ve hardly seen you.’ It’s all very well finding a man at last, but it isn’t so great when you can’t actually spend time with him because you’re both so busy.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says ruefully. ‘Your brother-in-law is a slave-driver and I need the money. The shearing’s done, I’ve moved sheep, vaccinated sheep, trimmed hundreds of sheep feet . . .’ He sighs as he rests his arm around my shoulder. ‘I even count sheep in my sleep.’
‘What are you going to do next?’
He kisses me. ‘I don’t know. I had a call back about the position in Wiltshire.’
‘The permanent one?’ I wish he was permanently in my life. I wish I had a thousand sheep so I could give him a job.
‘Yes, that one. They turned me down,’ he says flatly.
‘You’re disappointed?’
‘Of course I am – they said they didn’t think I’d fit in, that I was too young. It was perfect for me, except for it being a hundred miles away from Talyton St George – and you. So I guess it’s for the best in a way.’
‘You lead a precarious existence. I’m glad I have a steady job – I can’t imagine not knowing what I’ll be doing or where I’ll be from week to week.’ I don’t say it, but I’m also very happy he isn’t making a permanent move. I’m not sure about a long-distance relationship. ‘What are you going to do?’
‘Keep looking. Something will come up.’
‘Where will you live?’
‘I don’t know. I could move back in with Mum and Dad for a while – if they’ll have me. I could come and see you, if you’d like me to.’
I turn my body towards him and slide my hands up around his neck. ‘Of course I want you to. I don’t want you to go away.’
Having spent two evenings in succession with Lewis, I’m hoping we’re both free on the third one, although we’re going to confirm later. In the meantime, I have a long shift at work. At the surgery, I have a booking-in appointment and three others before a home antenatal visit and a clinic down at Talymouth. Claire catches me before I start.
‘How are you?’ she says brightly.
‘Good, thanks. You?’
‘I’m a bit frazzled, as usual. I need to speak to you before you see your first one.’
‘Can I catch up with you in a sec?’ I say, because Ben is waving me into his consulting room for a planned update about one of my young mums-to-be who came in to see him with gestational diabetes a couple of days before.
‘Yes, but promise me you’ll come and find me before you call in your first appointment.’
‘All right. I will,’ I say, but as it turns out, by the time I’ve spoken to Ben, Claire is already tied up redressing a leg ulcer. Too late, I think, as I scan the waiting room for women of child-bearing age. There is only one, and I can see now why Claire was so keen to give me advance warning, because my heart misses a beat as I register that she’s sitting holding hands with Paul, which can mean only one thing. OMG! Is this for real? I clear my throat.
‘Katie,’ I say. ‘I’m Zara. Come through.’
‘I’ll come in with you, darling,’ Paul says, making a show of being the perfect boyfriend. ‘I’m glad it’s you, Zara. Katie, she’s the best you can have.’
Katie appears a little embarrassed at being seen by her boyfriend’s ex-wife, and so she should be, I think. I’m devastated and furious at being put in this situation, and I can’t understand why she allowed Paul to recommend she booked an appointment with me when she could so easily have had one with Kelly.
Paul shows Katie to a chair, his arm on her waist, as if she can’t possibly identify a chair by herself. ‘Let me have your bag,’ he adds, taking it from her.
She’s much younger than he is – twenty-one, according to her notes, so I don’t know why I’ve been worrying about the age gap between me and Lewis. She’s about the same height as Paul, sli
m and gorgeous in a supermodel kind of way, with long, lustrous dark hair and immaculate nails. I can deal with that, and the fact that Paul is clearly besotted with her, but I can hardly bring myself to look at the tiny baby bump that sits neatly beneath her light summer top.
I take a deep breath and go through my list of questions as I normally do.
I ask about Katie’s occupation, my inner bitch hoping she’s going to say she’s unemployed, but she isn’t. She’s a beauty therapist and masseuse and works at a local spa – she and Paul met when she called an ambulance for one of her clients who’d fallen off a treatment table, dislocating their shoulder.
‘It was love at first sight,’ Paul smiles.
‘Have you been pregnant before, Katie?’ I continue.
‘I had a termination when I was eighteen,’ she says without a flicker of emotion, which I find hard to forgive.
‘This baby wasn’t planned,’ Paul says proudly. ‘It just happened.’
Look at me, look at what a stud I am, is what he’s really saying, with that stupid grin on his face. I’m struggling not to tell him what I think. He could have at least given me some warning, time to prepare myself, or even asked me whether or not I was happy to be his girlfriend’s midwife.
‘I’m pleased for you both,’ I say, but I really don’t mean it. ‘Now, Katie, I’d like you to pop on the scales to check your weight before I measure your bump.’
When I check her weight, Paul comments rather critically that she’s put on a few pounds recently. It’s what he used to do to me, and I’m so glad we’re not together any more.
‘That’s what tends to happen when you’re pregnant,’ I say in her defence, ‘although you shouldn’t start eating for two just yet.’ I write some notes in her pregnancy record book. ‘You’ll have a scan in two weeks’ time and another appointment with me after that. Do you have any questions?’
‘I’m going to have the baby in hospital, because I prefer the idea of having the baby by Caesarean rather than naturally,’ she says. ‘Can you add that to my notes?’
‘We don’t just say, yes, have a C-section. There are risks involved with surgery, just as there are with a natural birth. Have you really thought this through?’ I don’t think Katie sounds too posh too push. She thinks she’s too pretty.
‘My friend had one; she said it was the best thing she’d ever done.’
‘You have to go through an operation.’ I look to Paul for support – surely, he can’t condone her attitude with his background?
‘Lots of women have them,’ is all he says.
‘I can be awake though, can’t I?’
‘You’d have an epidural so you can’t feel anything . . .’
‘Perfect,’ she says.
‘And you wouldn’t be able to get up and look after your baby straight away.’ Are you putting your baby or yourself first? I want to ask her. Some people are so selfish. Why have a baby in the first place if you aren’t prepared to put it ahead of your own interests?
‘It won’t change my life,’ Katie says. ‘I won’t let it.’
I bite my tongue.
‘You’re looking well, Zara,’ Paul says in an aside to me as he leaves the surgery. ‘How’s the shepherd?’
‘He’s fine, thank you.’
Paul’s eyes narrow. ‘I don’t think he’s right for you.’
‘It’s none of your business.’
‘He doesn’t have a permanent job and he doesn’t have any money.’
‘Money doesn’t matter. I’m independent. I look after myself,’ I say, annoyed.
‘I don’t want to see you get hurt.’
‘Well, thank you for your concern,’ I say with sarcasm. ‘If you cared that much about my feelings, you wouldn’t have let your girlfriend book in with me. Or you would have – at the very least – asked me how I’d feel about it first.’
‘I’m sorry, you’re right. I should have told you about the baby, not sprung it on you like this,’ he says. ‘We didn’t have much luck, did we?’
I shake my head. ‘Go and look after Katie and your baby, will you? Don’t worry about me any more. This is hard, but I think we should stop trying to remain friends.’
‘But it’s what we agreed after the divorce. I don’t want to cut all ties.’
‘It isn’t working for me. I need to move on.’ By keeping in contact with Paul, I’m only fuelling Lewis’s suspicions that we still have feelings for each other. It sounds as if I’m letting him control who my friends are, but it isn’t like that. Claire has made me wonder about Paul’s motives for keeping in touch – I thought he was trying to support me and make sure I was all right, but I can’t help thinking now if he’s deliberately setting out to unsettle Lewis and wreck our relationship.
Back at home after work, I munch my way through a bag of pick-and-mix, and suffer the pain and pleasure of eating a whole packet of flying saucers that are sweet and sharp at the same time. I don’t want to see Paul again. It should have been me pregnant with his baby, not this woman he’s been with for all of five minutes. Even worse, this proof of his virility has shown that our failure to conceive really was all my fault. I haven’t even got the comfort of not being certain to cling on to any more. I know I can get through this, but the feelings of inadequacy and loss remain like the bitter sherbet tang in my mouth.
In fact, it’s as if Lewis knows how I’m feeling, because at six he rolls up at the shop. I hear his voice as I’m putting Frosty on the lead and slipping into my sexy (I’m joking) trainers, ready to go out for a walk after work.
‘Hi, Rosemary, how are you?’
‘Yoo-hoo. Your young man is here for you,’ calls Gran.
‘I’ll be with you in a sec.’ I stuff a few treats into my pocket and walk along the corridor with Frosty. She squeals with delight. In fact, I’m not sure which of us is most pleased to see him. ‘I wasn’t expecting you,’ I go on, moving in to touch my lips to his.
‘I thought I’d see if you wanted to go out tonight,’ he says, kissing me before turning his attention to Frosty.
‘Hey, sometimes I think you’d prefer me if I had furry ears and a waggly tail.’ I give him a playful nudge. ‘I was just about to walk the dog.’
‘I’ll come with you.’ He nudges me back. ‘We could stop at the pub for something to eat.’
‘How lovely,’ Gran sighs. ‘Zara could do with cheering up. She’s been like a bear with a sore head since she came home.’
‘Have I really? I’m sorry.’ I pause. ‘Gran, you don’t mind?’
‘If you go out? Of course I don’t. You don’t have to ask my permission.’
‘I’ll see you later then.’ I grab a bag and we are on our way with Frosty. Lewis takes my hand and swings my arm as we stride along through town.
‘Hello,’ calls Mrs Dyer, who’s walking towards us on the other side of the road with her hand on Nero’s collar. I tighten my grip on Frosty’s lead and hurry along.
‘What are you doing, the one hundred metres or something?’ Lewis chuckles.
‘I really don’t want to have to stop and talk right now.’
‘Oh dear, you did have a bad day then.’
‘It wasn’t the best. How about you?’
‘It was interesting,’ he says, growing serious as we reach the Dog and Duck at the bottom of town where we cross the road. ‘Murray and I dug out the ground for the new barn – he’s hoping it’ll be big enough to take one of the tractors and some of the winter hay and straw so there’s more room for lambing the ewes in the spring, but I think he’s being optimistic. Oh, and we went to look at a ram. Murray isn’t sure, but he thinks it would be worth sourcing rams from different bloodlines this year to see if it prevents the problems we had lambing some of the ewes. He’s trying to cut down on the rate of Caesareans.’
‘I suppose it reflects badly on the shepherd if it’s too high.’
‘Luckily, Murray knows it isn’t me. He couldn’t deliver some of them either.’
We walk across the Green, and reach the stile and kissing gate into the field that runs alongside the river. Usually, I clamber over the stile and let Frosty jump it, but Lewis opens the gate and goes through, stopping to close it behind him.
‘You have to pay me with a kiss before I’ll let’ you through,’ He tips his head to one side, like a dog trying to look appealing. We kiss and he pulls away slightly. ‘The price has gone up since you’ve been standing there,’ he teases. ‘It’s three kisses now.’
‘Lewis,’ I say, laughing as I catch sight of Aurora walking her dog towards us, ‘we’ll cause a traffic jam.’
He lets me through the gate and we start out along the path beside the river.
‘It’s a shame you couldn’t bring Mick and Miley with you. They’ll be fed up, won’t they, missing out on a walk?’
‘They’re all right. They’ve been running around on the farm and playing with Poppy all day. I left them crashed out in their beds.’
‘Ah, sweet,’ I say, as we walk on hand in hand along the path beside the river.
‘So, tell me about your bad day. Did you catch any babies?’
‘Not today. No,’ I hesitate, a little apprehensive about opening up old wounds, and Lewis’s insecurities and jealousies, by mentioning Paul, but I remember how I promised to be open with him. No more secrets, no more lies, apart from a little economy with the truth over Gran because I don’t want him to feel constrained to avoid the subject, or let it slip when he’s chatting with Murray and Emily. I really don’t want to worry my sister with it.
‘I saw Paul – at the surgery,’ I hasten to add.
Immediately, I sense the tension in Lewis’s fingers.
‘It was work. His new girlfriend is pregnant.’ I bite my lip.
‘And?’ he says. ‘Something’s upset you. What is it?’
‘Oh, Lewis, it made me feel so sad,’ I go on, recalling the way Paul held his arm protectively around Katie’s waist, and stifling an instantaneous sob of distress.
Lewis swears. ‘I knew it.’ He drops my hand and turns to face me. ‘I knew you were still in love with him.’
‘I’m not,’ I say, tears streaming down my face.
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