Shepherd’s Warning
Lewis stays overnight in the flat, sharing my single bed, and I can’t take my eyes off him or stop listening for his breathing. I have to keep telling Frosty not to get on the bed because there isn’t room, but it is impossible to do successful signing in the dark.
‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper, gently pushing her down again.
I check the clock on my mobile. Is Lewis sleeping or slipping into a coma? I stroke his cheek, feeling the rough stubble against my skin. He stirs and mumbles something in his sleep. An hour later, I check on him again. When there’s no response, I switch on the bedside lamp and squeeze his hand. He opens his eyes.
‘Zara, what’s up?’
‘How many fingers can you see?’ I hold up two.
‘Um, four.’
‘Four?’ I can’t disguise the panic in my voice. ‘Are you sure?’
He smiles. ‘Only joking. Did you have to wake me up?’
‘Doctor’s orders.’
‘What’s the time?’
‘Three o’clock.’
He groans. ‘I won’t get back to sleep now.’
‘If I had my way, you’d stay awake for the whole twenty-four hours.’
‘It seems a bit pointless for both of us to have to suffer from sleep deprivation. Thank you. I’m sorry if I sound ungrateful.’ Lewis shifts onto his elbow, wincing as he raises his body. ‘I have a terrible headache.’
‘I’ll get you some more painkillers,’ I say, jumping up.
‘Please . . .’
I fetch paracetamol and water and stand over him like a nurse on the ward as he takes it, and then I curl up beside him with the duvet wrapped around us, when the shock of what happened the night before finally hits me. Poppy, running away across the gravel, the sound of brakes and the terrible thud in the darkness followed by my sister’s screams. I shudder at the memory.
I thought I’d lost you.’ I start to cry.
‘You softie. I have no intention of reaching my expiry date yet. There’s too much to experience, too much living to do yet – and preferably with you.’ He reaches over, turns out the light and holds me closer until I can feel his breath warm and damp against my hair.
‘I love you,’ I murmur, but I’m not sure he hears me because, in spite of his protestations that he won’t get back to sleep, within seconds of his head hitting the pillow, he’s snoring lightly. Frosty is on the end of the bed, lying across our feet, and I don’t have the heart to turf her off again.
The next morning, Lewis and I have breakfast together with the Sunday papers.
‘When we move in together, we’ll be able to do this every Sunday,’ he says, looking up from the sports pages.
‘I’d love to, but—’
‘I know. I can wait,’ Lewis cuts in.
‘Thank you.’
‘You’re worth waiting for,’ he says with a glint in his eye, and I picture us making a home together: me, Lewis and the dogs.
‘I didn’t know you liked football,’ I say, changing the subject.
‘I have an interest in it. I’m not fanatical, though.’
‘I’m taking Claire and Kevin to the airport this morning. I assume you’re coming with me?’
‘So you can keep an eye on me?’ he says with a small smile.
‘Well, yes. The twenty-four hours isn’t up yet. It’s the perfect excuse for us to spend a whole day together.’
‘Actually, I feel fine, and I’d really like to go back to the farm to check on the dogs and Poppy.’
‘We can do that on the way, if we leave in the next half an hour or so.’
‘I mean, I’d like to have a shower and . . . have a bit of space.’
‘I’m sorry. I’ve been suffocating you . . . ?’
‘It isn’t you, Zara. You’ve been amazing. I’m not sure I’m up to listening to Claire and her plans for the honeymoon just now.’
‘That’s okay, but you really should have someone with you,’ I try again.
‘I’ll be all right. I can knock on Emily’s door or phone you if I feel squiffy.’
‘You’ll ring me later?’
‘I promise, as long as you promise to stop nagging me.’ With a rueful smile, Lewis stands up and clears the table before we get ready to leave.
‘Where are you going?’ Gran says as I pick up my keys from the counter where I left them the night before.
‘I’m taking Lewis back to the farm so we can see Poppy, and then I promised Claire and Kevin I’d take them to the airport, remember? They stayed at the Barnscote for their first night as husband and wife.’
‘How romantic,’ Gran sighs. ‘I remember my first night as a married woman. We stayed at the King’s Head – when it was a pub, that is. We had stout for a nightcap and porridge for breakfast.’
‘I think Claire and Kevin were planning champagne and a fry-up.’
‘Where are they going for the honeymoon?’
‘Las Vegas.’ I’m sure I’ve told her several times before. ‘Gran, much as I love our little chats, I have to go. I don’t want them missing their flight. I won’t be too long.’
‘You two have a lovely day,’ she says. ‘Goodbye.’ I notice how she doesn’t mention Lewis saving Poppy’s life the night before, a sign of a further change in her condition. I swallow hard, composing myself before I turn back to her to wish her a happy day too.
On the way through Talyton St George, I make a quick stop at the pharmacy – it isn’t open on a Sunday, but I called to ask a favour – before driving up to Greenwood Farm, where Lewis and I find Emily, Daisy and Poppy in the farmhouse kitchen. Daisy is in her high chair, almost asleep in a bowl of pureed carrot, as if she’s had one lullaby too many.
Murray joins us from upstairs, fastening the buttons on his check shirt.
‘I overslept,’ he says with a grimace. ‘My fault – I have a sore head. Probably not as painful as yours is, mate,’ he adds to Lewis. ‘You have quite a bruise.’
Lewis grimaces. ‘I’ve had worse.’
‘I’d really rather someone kept an eye on you today,’ I say, worrying that I’m sounding too clingy. ‘I know about these things.’
‘She’s right, Lewis,’ Emily says. ‘Trust me, I’m a nurse.’
‘I need to sleep. Zara kept waking me up to check I was still alive last night and I’m completely shattered. I promise you that if I feel sick or faint, I’ll come straight over and find you. How about that?’
It seems like a good compromise.
Emily offers us a second breakfast, which Lewis accepts before turning to Poppy.
‘How are you, Pops?’
‘I don’t know,’ she says, her hands on her hips.
I glance towards Emily. ‘She sounds just like Mum.’
‘Sometimes I think she spends too much time with her.’ Emily takes a plate of sausages from the range and puts it on the top before pouring four coffees and turning to her husband. ‘Murray, now would be a good time.’
‘Time for what?’ he says.
‘You know very well.’ She gives him a dig in the ribs.
‘Hey, don’t do that. I’m feeling delicate.’
‘You need to man up,’ she says, chuckling.
‘Emily and I have been talking about last night,’ Murray begins, ‘and as we’ve said, we can’t thank you enough, and we’ve been thinking what we could do in return.’
‘You don’t have to do anything,’ Lewis says.
‘We do.’ Emily sips at her coffee.
‘We’d like you to stay on at Greenwood Farm. You can live in the annexe rent-free for the foreseeable future. In return, you can help us out now and again, while being free to work elsewhere the rest of the time.’
‘Really? Do you mean it? That’s too much,’ Lewis says, frowning.
‘We can’t afford to keep you here working full-time for us. There isn’t the money, but you might as well use the annexe — it’ll only stay empty for months.’
‘Don’t you want to rent
it out?’ Lewis asks.
Emily shakes her head. ‘I’m not keen to have people we don’t know living here on the farm.’ She gives me a look and I know exactly what she means, that she has an ulterior motive for letting him stay. ‘What do you think?’
‘It’s a very kind offer,’ he says. ‘Are you sure?’
Murray thumps him on the back. ‘Of course we are. You’re more than welcome.’
‘I’ll say yes, then,’ he responds. ‘Oh, that’s great. I’m made up.’ He reaches his arm around my waist and I lean into him. ‘You’ve saved my life. I thought I was going to have to go back to live with my parents for a while. Thank you.’
Reluctantly, I check my watch. ‘I’d better go. I don’t want to be responsible for Claire missing her flight. I’ll see you later, Lewis. And I’m glad you’re all right, Poppy.’
Lewis kisses me briefly on the cheek and I head over to meet Claire and Kevin at the hotel; they’re packed and ready waiting in the snug alongside reception.
‘Hi.’ Claire yawns.
‘It was a good night, was it?’ I say.
‘She was asleep within five seconds of going to bed.’ Kevin smiles wryly.
‘That’s marriage for you,’ Elsa interjects from the desk. ‘You’ll have to get used to it.’
‘How are Poppy and Lewis? I only found out this morning,’ Claire says.
‘They’re fine, thank goodness.’
‘I wonder how Ben is, too. He seemed pretty shocked.’
‘His car’s a write-off,’ Kevin says. ‘It hit the bank so hard it damaged the chassis beyond repair. It’s lucky no one was seriously hurt.’
‘It was an eventful day,’ I muse.
‘Lovely, though,’ Claire says. ‘It didn’t go to plan, but it couldn’t have gone any better – the rest of it, I mean, not the part with Poppy running out into the road.’
‘It’s a hard lesson for her, but I don’t think she’ll do it again.’
‘I should hope not.’ She pauses. ‘I thought Lewis might have come along with you this morning.’
‘I dropped him at the farm – his head hurts, but he’s okay.’
‘He is such a hero,’ Claire says.
‘My hero,’ I say, smiling. ‘I’m so lucky.’
‘I’m sure that one day you’ll walk up the aisle with him. I’m pretty sure that by the time we get back from our honeymoon, you’ll be engaged,’ Claire giggles.
‘Please don’t. We’ve been together for three months, that’s all. We’ve talked further about moving in together, making a commitment.’ I can feel the heat radiating from my cheeks. ‘You know how I feel about marriage.’
‘I do,’ Claire sighs. ‘It’s a shame you’re such a cynic, but I do understand.’
‘Are you all right?’ I ask her. ‘You’re looking a little pale.’
‘I hardly had any champagne yesterday. It’s weird. It’s like as soon as I stop, I get sick. I’m always unwell when I’m on holiday.’
‘Ah, darling, it’s the stress of planning the wedding, which was wonderful by the way,’ Kevin holds his arm around Claire’s waist.
‘It was a beautiful day.’ I think of Lewis laughing as I caught the bouquet. The flowers will be drying now, pressed between sheets of absorbent paper in preparation for being rearranged into a two-dimensional picture for posterity.
‘Is it time to go or do I have a minute or two for another coffee?’ Kevin says. ‘I think I need one.’
‘I reckon we should leave by ten, so you can have up to twenty minutes.’
‘Would you two like a drink?’ he goes on.
‘No, thank you, but before you go, I have something to give you – a belated wedding present.’ I take my most recent purchase from my bag and place it on the table.
‘What’s that?’ Claire picks it up, tears open the top and peers inside. She looks back at me, eyebrows raised in question. ‘Zara, it’s impossible.’
‘Are you sure about that?’
‘I can’t be.’
Claire shows Kevin the kit still inside the bag.
‘You’re pregnant?’ Kevin exclaims.
‘You know I can’t understand why you haven’t made chief detective by now,’ I tease. ‘Go and do the test please. I’m on tenterhooks.’
‘What, now?’
‘Yes, now!’
‘Will you come to the Ladies with me? Kev, I would ask you, but it looks a bit odd.’
‘I’ll wait here,’ he says, his face paler than ever. ‘I can’t face coffee now. How did this happen?’
‘We don’t know if it has yet,’ she smiles weakly.
‘Come on, hurry up.’ I link my arm through hers and drag her along the corridor to the toilets. I have to unwrap the kit for her and read her the instructions before I virtually push her into a cubicle. I wait outside, checking my hair in the mirror. I look like a complete wreck: no make-up, and bags like hold luggage beneath my eyes.
‘Oh-mi-god, oh-mi-god, oh-mi-god. There’s a line already.’ The cubicle door flies open. ‘I can’t look. Look at it for me, will you?’ Claire holds out the wand, turning her head away so she can’t see it.
‘It is as I thought. It’s positive.’ A mix of emotions swirls into my heart. How are you supposed to feel when your best friend falls pregnant without even trying? It is tough right now, but I know from experience that the pain will fade eventually, just as it did each time Emily told me she was expecting. ‘Congratulations.’ I give Claire a hug, but she appears frozen.
‘I’m sorry, this sounds awful, but I’m not sure I’m ready for this.’
‘You’re going to have to get used to it. Let’s go and give Kev the good news.’ I gaze at her. I thought she’d be excited, but she’s tearful. ‘You’ve always said you’d have a family.’
‘Yes, but not so soon.’
‘At least you’ll be married,’ I say lightly.
‘I suppose so.’
‘Shall we go?’
‘Give me a minute.’ Claire leans over the sink and splashes her face with water. ‘I look terrible.’ She grabs a paper towel and dries herself. ‘You’re the midwife. Why aren’t I glowing?’
‘Because it’s early days. Give it another month or so and you’ll be looking and feeling great.’
‘Thank you, Zara. For everything.’
‘I haven’t done anything,’ I say bashfully.
‘You’ve been amazing. You supported me through the last year, helping me through when I was going to give up. Most people would have left me to it. You didn’t. And I must have been so boring, going on and on about invites and favours and seating plans, and forcing you to go to fat club.’
‘You didn’t force me. I needed to do something about my weight.’
‘Frosty did more for that than I did. You’re a fantastic bridesmaid and the best “best friend” anyone could have.’ Claire wipes her eyes and swears. ‘Why am I crying? I’m going on honeymoon with my lovely husband and I’m having a baby.’
‘So you’re okay?’ I ask.
‘I’m fine,’ she sniffs. ‘I’ve never felt better.’ But as soon as she announces her happy state of mind, she dashes off into the cubicle to throw up. I follow her, touching her shoulder as she leans over the bowl.
‘You poor thing.’ I hand her a tissue. ‘Have you had breakfast?’
‘I couldn’t face it. It was the smell of the coffee.’
‘You need to eat something. When you feel better, go back to Kev while I ask Elsa for some hot water and lemon, and a biscuit.’
‘It can only be a few weeks – I put the tiredness down to stress and planning the wedding and losing weight.’ She touches her stomach, gazing down in disbelief as we sit in the snug sharing a plate of ginger biscuits. ‘I can’t believe there’s a baby in there. OMG, you know what this means? I’m going to have to start planning the nursery.’
‘Please, can we enjoy the honeymoon first?’ Kevin says, but I can tell he’s over the moon too. He turns to me. ‘It is all right t
o fly and everything?’
‘Yes, of course it is. You just need to make sure your wife has plenty of rest and a healthy diet. I have to remind her of that because she’s a nurse and, from my experience, nurses are the worst people in the world, apart from doctors, for looking after themselves.
‘Book an appointment with me or Kelly when you get back,’ I continue, addressing Claire. ‘I won’t tell anyone. I’ll let you do that.’
‘You can tell Lewis, but perhaps not your gran,’ Claire says. ‘She’s no good at keeping secrets.’
‘I don’t think she’d be able to remember for long enough to spread the gossip, even if I did tell her.’
‘I’m sorry. Remember, if there’s anything I can do to help, you know where I am.’
‘Yes, in Vegas, hopefully,’ I say, changing the subject.
‘Can you do me a favour while I’m away – only I’ve tried to get hold of Tessa and Jack to find out why they didn’t make it to the wedding? I wondered if they were okay.’
‘I’ll see if I can catch up with them,’ I say. ‘Let’s go or you’ll miss that plane.’
I call Tessa the next day to ask her how she is. ‘I haven’t heard from you for a while and you didn’t come to the wedding. Someone said you were ill,’ I say tentatively.
‘I’m all right,’ she says, sounding anything but. ‘I’ve been seeing my consultant.’
‘I know, but I thought it would be good to catch up.’ I pause. ‘Can I drop by some time? I’ve got a bunch of old newspapers if they’re of any use to you.’
‘We can always find a home for them. How’s Frosty?’
‘She’s good, thanks. Did you know she had a fight with one of Lewis’s collies and came off worse?’
‘I did hear via Jack and the vets. He’s always popping in there with something. Come over at lunchtime if you’re free.’
I meet Tessa at the Sanctuary where she’s mucking out this time.
‘Where’s the horse?’ I say, looking into the empty stable.
‘He’s been rehomed.’ Tessa forks dirty straw into a wheelbarrow. ‘He was with us a week, a young carthorse called Teddy.’ She stops to rub at her back.
‘Are you sure you should be doing that?’ I ask her. ‘You don’t look terribly comfortable.’
‘I have to keep busy. It stops me driving myself mad.’
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