by Alana Terry
She looked so cute with her hair all tangled and her T-shirt hanging lopsided on her shoulder like that. She gave a tiny chuckle and passed Emily to him. “I just meant I can’t figure out how to burp her. Can you try? You always seem to do it so much better than I do.”
CHAPTER 59
FOR AS LONG AS SHE lived, she would never stop crying.
Rivers of tears, endless streams flowing down her face.
Searing hot like lava. Burning her skin.
“It’s the right thing,” she whispered. “I know it is.”
Ricky leaned over and kissed her forehead. She hated to think about how sweaty and gross she was after the delivery. She hadn’t stepped foot out of this hospital in weeks. While she was stuck here on bedrest after her water broke six weeks too early, she’d sworn she’d be the happiest woman in the world when she finally got to step outside. Summer was over, and she’d missed all of it either working for her uncle or lying around here.
Thank God Ricky was here. She would have lost her mind completely if it weren’t for his daily visits. Sometimes he’d curl up with her, and they’d watch movies until midnight, and he’d still stop by on his lunch breaks no matter how busy things got at work.
Half a year ago, she thought that getting raped and then kicked out of her parents’ home was the worst kind of pain she’d ever have to live through. But she’d found at least some semblance of healing. Maybe it was how gently Ricky treated her. No matter how many times she started beating herself up for getting pregnant in the first place, he reminded her that it wasn’t her fault.
And every time she felt guilty for being pregnant out of wedlock, he reminded her that pregnancy itself was no sin, and that she’d actually made the bravest choice given her circumstances, enduring the pregnancy and four weeks of bedrest for the sake of her daughter.
A daughter that in just a few minutes she’d hand over to someone else.
It wasn’t that the Kims were bad people. Hannah and Simon were the godliest couple Jillian had ever met. Before moving to the States, they’d done mission work in Asia, top secret stuff that even now they couldn’t talk about without using code words like restricted access nations. He now pastored a Korean-speaking church in Massachusetts, and Jillian knew with complete certainty and conviction that they would give her daughter a beautiful, happy life.
The funny thing is the Kims acted as if Jillian was the one doing them the favor. They’d tried for years to get pregnant, but it turned out they both had health complications that made natural conception impossible. They loved little Emily just as much as Jillian did.
And they would be good to her.
And in just a few minutes, they were coming to take her away.
CHAPTER 60
RICKY CLUNG TO THE nurse’s call remote like a sailor would cling to the debris of a shipwreck.
Soon a nurse in Linus and Lucy scrubs bustled in. “Can I help you?” If she was surprised to see a grown man on the hospital bed with his girlfriend on his lap, sobbing into his shoulder, she was tactful enough not to show it.
He waited until she got a little closer so he didn’t have to shout across the room. “It’s been almost an hour,” he whispered. “Do you think there’s something wrong?”
The nurse looked at Jillian with a sympathetic expression. “This is totally normal. She’s been through more than you or I could ever imagine. The best thing you can do right now is be strong for her, let her know that it’s not always going to hurt so bad.”
Jillian’s whole body shuddered, and Ricky tightened his arms around her. The corner of the jewelry box had been digging into his skin for almost half an hour, but he didn’t want to adjust his weight or stick his hand down into his pocket. Not right now.
The nurse glanced at the clock. “We have chaplains here. Do you think she’d like to talk to somebody? Or maybe a social worker?”
He rubbed Jillian’s back. “Would you like that?”
She shook her head.
Wasn’t there anything he could do?
The nurse sighed, and this time her sympathy seemed directed toward him. “You’re doing a good job of comforting her.”
He guessed she meant well, but he knew she was lying. If he was doing a good job, his girlfriend wouldn’t have soaked through his flannel shirt with her tears.
“You just call me if you need a little break,” she told Ricky, “and I’ll be happy to sit with her a while.”
He glanced at the clock, wondering how long tears could flow like this before they ran completely dry.
Another shudder ran down Jillian’s spine. All he could do was hold her closer. Remind her he was still here.
He always would be.
CHAPTER 61
THE ADOPTION COUNSELORS had talked about empty arm syndrome, but for some reason Jillian hadn’t realized they were talking about an actual physical sensation.
Awake or asleep or in that torturous in-between state, she felt the heaviness of her empty arms.
Arms that just days earlier had held the most beautiful little girl she would ever see in her entire life.
Why had she picked an adoptive family who lived so far away?
The Kims were great. Hannah and Simon sent pictures every day, but how long would they keep that up? He’d go back to pastoring that church, she’d get wrapped up in her duties as a new mom, and they’d forget all about her.
Just like little Emily would.
Just like she already had.
The worst part for Jillian was knowing that she’d made the right choice. That if God were ever so cruel as to make her relive this same kind of torture and pain, she’d have to go through all that searing loss all over again.
How could anyone be expected to endure that kind of torment?
These were the kinds of questions she was dying to ask, but she couldn’t broach the subject with her mom, who hadn’t even come to meet Emily at the hospital.
Refused to look when Jillian offered to show her pictures.
Was Jillian seriously supposed to wake up and go to work and pretend like she’d never delivered a child? Never held her own flesh and blood in her arms and then passed her on to someone else, someone she barely knew?
There was nothing more unnatural. Not in the entire universe. Mothers weren’t supposed to give up their children.
Ever.
Even her body was rebelling against her decision. She hadn’t thought to ask the doctor at her postpartum checkup how long this painful engorgement would last, but she was so sore and swollen she couldn’t even hold herself upright.
At first, she thought she’d go to work right away, but how could she? She couldn’t even make it from the couch to the kitchen for a drink of water without breaking down into tears.
She’d lost track of how many times she’d held that phone in her hand, wanting to call her mom, beg for the chance to come home even if only for a few days. But what good would that do?
Ricky was a saint, just like she’d come to expect of him, but he was gone all day. He’d call while he was on the road to check up on her, but whenever they talked, she felt so much pressure to convince him she was fine because she knew how much he worried about her.
At least today was Friday. Tomorrow, they’d drive out together to Orchard Grove for Grandma Lucy’s birthday party. She just hoped that maybe she’d get all her tears out on the trip there so she could be presentable for her relatives. Of course, by now the details were public knowledge in Orchard Grove. She’d been raped, miscarried a twin, carried the other to term, and given it up to some Korean-American couple living on the East Coast — the past nine months now neatly summarized in one short little blurb.
At least she’d be making the drive with Ricky and not her parents, who were too busy with church obligations to take the weekend off. After spending so much time together since he moved to Seattle, Ricky was the one person she felt completely comfortable with.
Like she could truly be herself.
Or
maybe a better version of herself.
Ricky made her want to improve. Made her want to try harder to be as thoughtful and compassionate as he was. She knew she had a long way to go, but as long as he was here to keep on setting such a good example, maybe — just maybe — she’d find a way to become the kind of Christian her grandmother prayed she’d be.
The kind of Christian who would make Grandma Lucy proud.
CHAPTER 62
RICKY HAD BEEN WATCHING Jillian for the past several minutes before he finally announced his presence. “Fun party, huh?”
She jumped and turned around. “Don’t sneak up on me like that.” The sun was low on the horizon, lighting up her face and hair as it streamed in through the barn window. She was absolutely irresistible.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” He walked up to her. A week and a half after the delivery, she still had a swollen belly she tried to hide under a loose flowery blouse, but he could feel it when he stood behind and wrapped his arms around her. “Your hair smells good.”
“That’s probably the goats you’re smelling,” she joked.
He kissed the top of her head. “I love you. I hope you know that.”
She looked up at him with a face that was perfectly trusting.
Perfectly kissable.
“I know. I love you too.”
Could she hear how hard his heart was thumping? Could she feel it pounding against her?
“So.” He cleared his throat. Glanced over to the corner where Peaches was nursing her baby, who’d probably doubled in size since the last time he’d been here. He shoved his hand into his pocket. “Are you having a good time?” He licked his lips. That wasn’t what he meant to say.
She nodded. “Yeah. It’s still hard.”
“It’ll probably be hard for a while.” Wow, that was real encouraging. Time to change the subject. “Grandma Lucy’s looking good.”
“Yeah, that walker doesn’t really slow her down at all, does it?” She pulled her eyes away from him and stared out the barn window. In the course of a second, she had moved a thousand miles away.
He’d seen that look more often than not since she came home from the hospital. “What is it?”
“I was just thinking of what Grandma Lucy said to me that night at the hospital. She said something about my baby being a blessing. I wish I could remember exactly what it was. But it was weird, because at that point we didn’t know about Emily. We just knew about the miscarriage. But Grandma seemed so certain ...”
“That’s Grandma Lucy for you.”
“I know, but at the time I thought she was senile or something. Like she’d forgotten the baby was dead. But maybe she knew all along. I don’t know. It sounds crazy.”
This was his opening. He had to take it.
Shuffling his weight, he took her hand in his. For a second, he worried that he’d gross her out with his sweaty palms, but he had a lot more serious faults than that, and if she couldn’t put up with them, she would have left by now.
“Speaking of Grandma Lucy,” he began, “she said something interesting after lunch.”
“Oh, yeah? I’ll believe just about anything. What was it?”
“She said that she hopes God lets her live until at least next spring, and I asked why, and she said she didn’t want to miss the wedding.”
Jillian’s eyes zoned in on his. “What wedding?”
“That’s what I asked her. But then your aunt came up and said that they were about to blow out the candles on her cake, and she never told me the rest.”
“Huh.” Jillian was still staring at him. Still holding his sweaty palm.
He shoved his free hand back into his pocket. “So, you know, speaking of things like weddings and stuff like that ...” He kept his eyes locked on hers, wanting to make sure he was doing this at the right time.
“Yeah?”
“And maybe now that I think about it I should have written this all down or something because you know how hard it is for me when I get nervous and have to say something important.”
Her eyes were soft, her expression patient. “You’re doing fine.”
“That’s sweet of you to say, but I know I’m not.” He ran his hands through his hair and licked his lips. When had they gotten so dry?
From the corner, Peaches let out a low moan and stamped her hoof as if she were as impatient with him as he was with himself.
“So, I’ve got something for you, and it’s here in my pocket ...” He tried to pry the box free, but it flew out of his hands and landed on a pile of hay beside him. He dropped to his knees and then realized he should have been in this position all along.
“Oh, no!”
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“I lost it.”
“The box? No, it’s right there in your hand.”
“Not the box.” Still on the ground, Ricky held it open. “See, it’s empty.”
Just then, the barn door swung open, Connie glanced in with a little, “Oh,” then hurried to shut the door again, calling out, “Don’t mind me. I didn’t see anything,” while she sealed them back in.
Ricky was on all fours now, digging through the dirty hay. “I can’t find it anywhere.”
Jillian knelt beside him. “Let me help.”
“But you don’t know what we’re looking for.”
She smiled and kissed his cheek. “Maybe I’ll recognize it when I see it.”
This couldn’t be happening. Of all the times for him to be so clumsy ...
Maybe it was a sign. It was too soon after the delivery. Jillian had already gone through so much.
Then again, wasn’t it time for her to find a little happiness? At least he hoped he could make her happy. What if she hated it? What if she said no? What if she ran out of here fuming mad and never spoke to him again?
“Found it.”
“You did?” He snatched it out of her hand.
“Hey,” she argued, “I was looking at that.”
“No,” he replied. “No, you weren’t. Now.” He wiped the ring off with the corner of his flannel shirt. “You stand up right here. And I’m going to do it right this time.”
He propped up one knee. Any fancy words he wanted to say about how happy he’d been since he met her, how impressed he was with how strong she’d been after everything she’d gone through, any speech he thought he had half-formed in his brain vanished.
But maybe that was okay. They’d gotten to know each other so well, maybe he didn’t need a whole lot of words.
He held up the ring, which glinted in the sunlight. “Will you?”
She smiled and nodded down at him. “Yeah.” She held out her hand expectantly.
He hesitated.
“It’s beautiful,” she said, her hand still extended.
“Thanks.”
He stared at the ground.
“Is something wrong?” she finally asked.
He lowered his voice even though Peaches and her baby were the only other living creatures in the barn.
“I don’t know what finger to put it on,” he confessed.
She slipped the ring on with a laugh, and before he could say anything else, she was in the hay pile beside him, sharing one of what he hoped would be many, many sweet kisses.
The barn door swung open. “Don’t mean to rush you,” Connie called in, “but did she say yes?”
Peaches bleated, and her baby made a dash for the door.
“Catch him,” Connie yelled. “We don’t want him loose with that big cake out.”
Ricky reached out to grab the goat’s leg, but he was too slow.
The next thing he heard were screams from the guests outside.
“Get that goat!” Connie was yelling as she hurried toward the lawn.
“Should we head out and see if we can help?” He smiled down at his fiancée, then helped her to her feet.
“Don’t let him near the cake!” Connie shouted.
Ricky was partly out the door when he rea
lized Jillian wasn’t with him. “What’s wrong?” he asked. “We’ve got a goat to catch.”
She stepped toward him and crooned into his ear, “One more kiss first.”
Ricky was happy to obey.
SO GLAD YOU JOINED me for another Sweet Dreams Christian romance! I don’t know about you, but I find Ricky to be quite endearing! His kindness and compassion (as well as his commitment to the Lord) remind me a lot of the qualities that made me fall in love with my own husband.
If you haven’t heard the full story yet, our romance is the basis for What Dreams May Come, book 1 in the Sweet Dreams series. Unlike Scott and Susannah, however, our relationship wasn’t nearly torn apart because of a family tragedy or medical complications.
But we did break up for four months when family members expressed concern over our long-distance courtship. Four months doesn’t sound like that long on paper, but it certainly felt like it at the time, especially since I was convinced God told me we were going to be married.
I don’t want to fill up this space with tons of details, but you can read the story of how God spoke to me about our future in the note at the end of What Dreams May Die.
Enjoy another inspiring story in the Sweet Dreams Christian romance series. This one’s about two missionaries who find love in one of the most unexpected places. Download your copy of What Dreams May Die today, then be sure to check out the note at the end of that novel if you’re curious to learn how God told me who my spouse would be.
Download What Dreams May Die today.
CHAPTER 1
MEGAN REACHED UP TO hug her brother. “It’s great to see you. I’m still so sorry I missed your wedding.”
“You can stop apologizing.” Scott plucked her suitcase out of her hand and tossed it into the backseat of his car. “How was your flight? Everything go okay?”
She nodded and tried to hide her yawn. “Everything was fine. But I’m ready to hide away from the Costa Rican heat for a while.”
“Well, don’t get your hopes up. Orchard Grove’s been in the nineties every day for the past week.” Scott gave her one more hug. “I’m so glad to see you. The last time we were together you were still crying over that jerk who ...”
