I feel his weight on the bed and then a second later he’s spooned up behind me and maneuvers his arm under the covers and my shirt to cover my bare belly. My belly quivers at his touch because it’s so new and unexpected. I’m nervous and anxious but I can’t say I don’t like it. It’s a sweet touch and my mind is playing games with me.
“Relax,” he whispers in my ear. The warm breathe tingles the sensitive skin of my ear and causes more goose bumps to break out on my body.
I don’t say anything. I’m too afraid to. His hand starts wandering up my side and back down to massage my bare hip bone, underneath my panties. He repeats this for a minute or two with his face in my neck, because he continues to breathe on my neck and send shivers through my body from the warm breath. Despite my best efforts, I am getting turned on. I repeat a mantra in my mind, “Shadow, Shadow, Shadow, Shadow, SHADOW, SHADOW...” but it does little good. He tugs my shoulder so I fall on my back and he starts kissing my neck. I bite my lip and try to picture Shadow but that screws me up because my body really likes to think about Shadow while this is happening to me. Ultimately, Shadow is what I want. Maybe this isn’t the place to think about him.
“Man, I am so tired,” I yawn. I sound rude and selfish and stuck up and that’s usually the opposite of what I am so I hate myself a little for saying it. He probably hates me worse. I just need to stop this.
“I’m trying to wake you up, baby,” his deep, gravelly voice rumbles.
Yeah, I know. And he is doing an awesome job of that. After this I won’t be able to sleep for weeks.
I laugh for show trying to buy time. I can’t think of any excuses right now. Words won’t come to me.
He presses his tight, hard body up against mine and works his kisses until his mouth is on mine. His hand grabs the bottom of my shirt and starts pulling it up and I grab his hand and press it flat against me firmly, hinting to stop right there. He gives in to me and doesn’t push that anymore at the moment. We continue raping each other’s mouth and I run through excuses in my mind that all sound like a lie even to my own ears.
“You’re so soft,” he purrs. “And have I told you how beautiful you are, lately?”
“No,” I whisper.
“You’re all see, all I think about.”
“You’re sweet,” I say.
He straightens and tenses and I know it’s not what he wanted to hear. He wants me to feel the same for him, anyone would. But I’m trying to get a point across here so I can’t soften the blow.
“Look, I know that for some reason you aren’t there yet...” he says.
“I’m not where yet?”
“You’re not there...with me.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“I mean, you don’t feel the same way about me, that I feel about you,” he says. “And that’s okay, I guess. I mean I can wait for it. I can work for it. I can give you all of me and hope that it will be enough. But unless you tell me what’s in the way, what’s keeping you from giving me all you got, then It will never work...”
I sigh. “I...I don’t know.”
“Alright. Well I will be patient. I trust you, Alexia. I just want you to know that.”
He is killing me here. He is so amazing. So perfect. I would tell him all of this but then it would make him even more confused and I don’t want him thinking it’s anything he can change. My decision is made.
“I trust you too,” I whisper weakly.
He nods his head and stares at me a second, boldly.
“I know that you probably don’t want to go through with this...” he pauses uncomfortable and looks away for a second collecting his thoughts. “But we have to complete the bond tonight and consummate the marriage.”
I clear my throat to buy myself a minute. “Gabe, I know you’re a guy and guy’s have certain needs, that may be more uh, important than a girls desires or needs, and I’m sorry that you just happened to be with a girl that’s made you wait a long time because I wasn’t ready...”
“It’s not that,” he clips. “It would never be that. If you weren’t ready, in any world where we had our own decisions, I wouldn’t care. I could wait for you, Alexia. No matter how long it took, and if it was never then I’d know you didn’t want me, and I would let you go.” He sighs. “This is not what I want, Alexia. Not for you, not for me. I wish you would choose me, Alexia. I wish you would want to do this with me. I don’t want it to be something you have to do; it breaks my heart that...that you don’t want to. I feel like crap, and it’s going to be hard for me to go through with it knowing that you don’t want to. The whole time is going to make me feel like shit,” he shakes his head and closes his eyes.
“Well then, we can just wait and do it when we’re ready...” I suggest.
“No,” he snaps in a low but firm voice. “No,” he whispers trying to make up for his previous tone of voice, probably noting my expression. “Alexia, they check us in the morning. We can’t get around this. They have been at this a long time; do you think someone hasn’t thought of pulling one over on them before?”
My face surely shows my confusion. “What?” I ask skeptically.
His expression turns heartfelt and compassionate and I like him even more. He has such a big heart. “In the morning, when they come to unlock our doors, they will have an expert physician, Alexia. The physician will check you, and make sure that you are no longer...that we...that I took you.”
I am stunned. I have nothing to say. This I did not know. Why did I not know this? Why did Shadow not know this? Does Kaia know this?
“I never knew that,” I whisper, shocked. “How do you know?”
He shrugs his big shoulders. “My father and the authorities have mentioned it a few times in front of me. Plus some of the physicians trained in my father’s house when I was growing up. I’ve known for a long time.”
I can’t do anything but stare into his eyes; mine probably as wide as saucers. My heart falls to me feet. Shadow is going to hate me. Can I even leave with him after this? Will the bond give away my thoughts and feelings, my plans or where I will be if I leave? Then there is the problem of not being able to ever be with anyone else once I’m bonded. This ends everything for me and Shadow.
“I’m sorry, Lexi,” Gabe whispers and touches his forehead to mine.
“Gabe, I love you,” I say. “You’re more than I could have ever asked for,” I say. “I just want you to know that, you’re an amazing boy and you have a really big heart.” Tears stream down my face and his expression is pained. He wipes my tears away with his thumbs and his fingers curl back on the sides of my head on each side. My tears seem to fall faster and faster and I can’t control myself.
“Baby,” he whispers, “I can’t keep up.”
I laugh through a sob.
“It’ll be over soon,” he coo’s. “I’ll make it good for you, I promise you.”
“I know you will,” I reply. And I know he will. But it will feel like betrayal the whole time. I already have a broken heart but until this is finished it’s going to fall into a thousand tiny pieces.
He kisses the trails the tears left and his hand finally tugs my shirt over my head. I’m trembling now and I can’t control my body anymore. At all. “Shhh,” he whispers.
I just nod. Wow. He could have someone so much better. Someone who deserves him, like Kaia. Someone willing to jump his bones.
“I don’t deserve you,” I say. “You don’t deserve me,” I add. “You deserve so much better.”
He works the button on my pants and pulls them down and we kick them towards the foot of the bed somewhere. He grabs my hand and kisses my fingers lightly, one by one, while with the other hand he removes his boxers. I have to go through with this now. If they come in the morning to unlock the doors and we aren’t bonded and I’m still a virgin then they will take me. I don’t want to be the Hell Horde’s next meal. I also don’t want to disappear and have no idea where I’m going. No one would ever see me again. My parent
s will never know.
Gabe puts my hand on his amazing pec muscle and removes my underwear. The steady thump of his heart distracts me from what he’s doing and reminds me of Shadow. Shadow’s heart was a drum staccato rhythm under my palm, erratic and strong and out of control. Gabe’s is strong and steady and I wonder if he’s anxious or excited or just numb. Maybe I don’t have the same effect on him that I have on Shadow. But a second later he puts my hand somewhere on him that makes me second guess that thought.
He is on top of me now and I gaze up into his eyes, still trembling. He leans down to kiss me and position himself. My heart hurts so bad it feels like it might explode.
“Okay?” he asks.
“I’m okay,” I lie and manage to choke out.
He kisses me hungrily.
“I love you, Alexia,” he says, right before he opens me to womanhood.
At that very second, Shadow fills my mind with a heartbroken and anguished expression yelling, “Noooo!”
I didn’t think it was possible, but it makes me hate myself even more.
*~*~Chapter 20- Torn Apart*~*
A knock on the door wakes me up. There’s a leg tangled in between mine and a warm, male arm across my stomach. I am naked and my eye lashes are stuck together. Last night rushes back to me and I remember crying like a baby. It must be why my eye lashes are stuck together. I rub at my eyes and someone knocks again, probably Kaia or Wraith.
Gabe rustles behind me and mutters a lazy curse word as he throws the covers aside and scoots out of the bed. I look over my shoulder at him and giggle. He’s trying to step into some shorts but he can’t keep his balance and ends up hopping all over the place and getting his foot stuck and almost busting his ass. He gives me a mock glare and a smirk then rushes to the door.
“A good morning to you we hope,” someone in a white outfit tells us.
He nods, “Good morning.” His voice is still groggy and rough from sleep and it sounds pleasant.
“We are here to assess your wife and your bond.”
He gestures for them to enter the room and I sit up, hair a mess, making sure to bring the covers up to my neck with me.
“No need for modesty my dear, I’m going to get much more personal here in just a few minutes,” the physician states.
I glare at her. At least it’s a she.
She gives a pointed look to her partner and turns back to me. The other physician is a male and asks Gabe to leave with him so I can have my stupid exam in private. Not that it’s anything he has not seen now.
I am numb at this point. I don’t care about anything anymore, and I feel blessed relief at that. A broken heart is not an emotion I can handle.
“Lean back please,” she tells me as she pops on examination gloves. I lean back and stare out the sky light above me.
She spreads my legs and it’s all history from there.
“Good, and are you feeling alright? Any pain or discomfort?”
“No.”
She nods.
“Questions?” she asks.
“No.”
She seems to study me for a second and then she removes her gloves and grabs her belongings.
“You may get dressed. We will unlock the doors on our way out.”
I don’t say anything. I don’t care what they do now. Keep them locked for all it matters. I decide I will just lie here all day. I doubt Gabe will show this morning if he was in my mind last night.
Something occurs to me at that thought and I gasp. The physician turns back to look at me with a cocked eyebrow and I smile innocently. She exits the room and shuts the door.
Am I bonded to Gabe now? I don’t feel any different. I am not aware of any new connection or different feelings or emotions. And, not a shock we don’t share a mind link that I am aware of. I reach out to him just to make sure and I cast some thoughts to him. Nothing. Hmm. Did it not take? Has this ever happened before? Is this normal? I have so many questions that need answered!
Before I can process anything further my feet swing over the bed and run me to the closet. My body gets me dressed into a short white dress with a low neckline. Even I think it’s a little too tight when I look in the mirror but I don’t have time to change. Apparently I am still going to meet Shadow. My body has decided for me and my mind thinks it’s a great idea.
But my heart worries he won’t be there.
I remember something else my mother told me. She told me that when I finally fall in love with my mate, that it will be hard. It will be good, bad, ugly, beautiful, easy and hard. She said that love is harder to remove than hunger for bread. And I know I will never remove this love I have for Shadow, no matter what I do. It will only put distance between Gabe and I and my heart will continue to be unfaithful despite my body. I will only ever be able to give him half of me. And that, is not enough for him.
I crack the door open slowly and peek through it. No one it around as far as I can see. I slip through and leave it half-way open as I walk on down the hall, not wanting it to creak on its hinges if I opened it all the way or click when I close it. I sneak around corners and avoid voices by maneuvering through rooms ducking under walls until I make it to the front door.
*~*~*~*
I turn the corner and come to a fence. Dangit! There’s a fence right before I reach our rendezvous. I have horrible luck. Why didn’t he mention this? What am I supposed to do now? I check my surrounding to make sure no one sees me and I scan the fence to the top. Way tall, someone would definitely see my climbing over the top, not to mention the lasers at the top. I scan the bottom hoping for a hole, walking along it a few feet. Aha! Yes, some loose dirt under a spot and the fence seems to be flimsy and curved at the tips a little, giving away that someone has used it more than a few times to crawl under. I drop to my knees and scoop the dirt away as fast as I can, making a deep scoop, hopefully big enough to allow me under. I fall to my belly and shimmy under. Luckily no one is around to see me do this in such a short dress or they might get an eye full.
On the other side, I stand up and dust my knees and my whole front side off. My dress is no longer white but hey, who cares. With the Guard training arena in sight, I run to the back near the wall and stop to catch my breath. I scan everywhere, hoping to see him. I look to the wall, I look behind me, to the side, along the wall, and everywhere I can. My heart and my hope plummet. He’s not here. My lip wobbles and my face starts to cringe. I bite my lip hard and wince at the pain. I don’t know why I would expect him to show. It’s my fault he didn’t. I ruined it for him, for me, for us. I lied to him, I broke a promise, and I hurt him. Three pretty much unforgivable things. But man, I wish he knew why. I wish he knew that I had no choice. I didn’t choose Gabe! I didn’t enjoy it. My shoulder slump and I fall back against the wall and slide to the dirt. Staring at my feet out in front of me, I let the poison of un-feeling enter my heart again. And I wait until it numbs. For once, the tears don’t come.
A pair of black boots land in front of my feet from out of nowhere. My eyes jerk straight up to meet a pair of deep black ones.
Now the tears come.
He takes in my dress and an unpleasant expression crosses his face.
“Don’t ask,” I mumble.
He shakes his head. I think he’s mad. Or hurt. Either way, this only confirms that he knows what I did. And somehow “I’m sorry” just doesn’t seem sufficient.
“I had to,” I say instead.
He closes his eyes in pain and my heart throbs once, very painfully.
“I know,” he breathes.
I stand up to embrace him, to show him all my emotions.
I inhales a ragged breathe, his big shoulders jerking.
He smells so good. He’s like my drug.
“Half,” I say.
He leans back to look at me. “Half?”
“It’s all I would ever be able to give him.” I pause a second. “My body is only half of what I have to give someone. My heart is the other. He had my body but he w
ould never have my heart, Shadow. I’ve already given you that.”
He gives me this look, that’s so complex and full of a thousand different emotions, that I could never explain it in a few words. All I know is it means something to him. It means a lot, so much that I don’t think he knows how to process it, so he just freezes. One lone tear appears on his eyelid and runs down his cheek to his chin, where it free falls from there to wet the dirt somewhere near our feet.
“I can give you both,” I whisper. I lean up to kiss the wet trail on his cheek from the tear. “All of me.”
He frowns at me, “How? I was in your mind last night, I know you guys bonded.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know, Shadow. I don’t think it worked.”
The look in his eyes as his head jerks back to look at me, as if I can’t be serious, is filled with longing. He dares to hope, I can tell.
I smile.
His face absolutely lights up like nothing I have ever seen from this boy and it’s so beautiful it almost knocks me on my ass.
“You, you think, maybe?”
“Yeah,” I laugh, “I think maybe.”
He looks to the sky and smiles and laughs, like God answered his prayers. Then the next thing I know I’m backed into another wall and his lips are soft against mine. And this time when we kiss it’s magic.
*~*~*~*
Present Day
He breaks off the kiss and we’re both panting but with smiles on our faces. He tilts his head towards the wall, “Come on, let’s get out of here. I packed a few things we might need too. They’re over by the wall.”
“Okay!”
He grabs my hand and we jog towards the wall.
“What the...” a familiar voice trails off.
My heart rate really spikes now. Because now I am caught.
We both stop mid jog and turn towards Gabriel. I wiggle my hand out of Shadow’s but he makes that difficult.
“Alexia?” he asks, looking back and forth from me and Shadow. “I was looking for you. You weren’t in your room or anywhere in the condo after the exam...” he pauses, waiting to see if I have a reason.
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