Four

by Tia Fielding

  Table of Contents

  Blurb

  Dedication

  Acknowledgments

  Author’s Note

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  More from Tia Fielding

  Readers love Ten by Tia Fielding

  About the Author

  By Tia Fielding

  Visit Dreamspinner Press

  Copyright

  Four

  By Tia Fielding

  A Love by Numbers Story

  When unlikely attraction blossoms between a twentysomething genderqueer tattoo artist and an older, small-town veterinarian, both are forced to face their pasts for a chance at a loving future.

  Four years ago Padraig Donovan lost his husband, the only man he’d ever been with. Now his life consists of the work he loves, a big empty house, and the possibility of a lonely future.

  Kaos’s experiments with makeup landed him in the hospital at the hands of his disapproving ex. With nowhere else to turn, he flees to Acker, Wisconsin… and runs into a sexy widower and the kindest man he’s ever met.

  Padraig and Kaos know there’s something worth exploring between them, and as they raise a puppy and deal with the ups and downs of their respective jobs, they fit into each other’s lives in ways they never expected. Being with Kaos—who is so different than the guys he’s always been attracted to—opens up an exciting new world for Padraig. But can he convince Kaos to trust another man with his body… let alone his heart?

  For all my fellow nonbinary beings out there.

  You are loved.

  Acknowledgments

  I DON’T often do one of these, but here we go.

  Love by Numbers is something that came to me in the form of Makai and Emil’s story, Ten.

  Then the side characters started to pop up, and I hope that by the time you get to read Four, I’ve written book number three which I started to write today (early January 2019.)

  This series has been a labor of love for sure, and I’ve had so much help with it.

  Miya, you’ve been my Wisconsin expert, my beta, and my cheerleader for a long time. You love these characters as much as I do. Thank you for that.

  My fandom friends, I love you all. Especially you, Mads, who jumped in to help when I needed to have another pair of eyes on Four.

  Lori, you have been amazing with borrowing your brain when I’ve needed another author’s POV.

  Sue, thank you for your friendship, and your editor’s POV to my random questions and thoughts.

  All my cheerleaders, all the people who have given opinions on things and stuff while I’ve been writing this, I thank you.

  Last but not least, everyone at Dreamspinner. It’s been a while now—almost eight years. Thank you for believing in me.

  And Tricia, my Senior Editor. What would I ever do without you? Thank you.

  Author’s Note

  THIS BOOK is a love story between a gay man and a nonbinary person.

  Kaos likes the label genderqueer, which to him encapsulates all the aspects of how he chooses to express his gender identity. He doesn’t really put into concrete words or even thoughts what his sexuality is. It doesn’t matter to him as much. He just likes certain people, and in this story, he happens to like Padraig. A lot.

  There is no one way to be anything, and there’s certainly not a wrong or a right way. I, the author of this novel, also identify as genderqueer, but my gender expression is very different from Kaos’s.

  Some people don’t like labels, and neither do I, unless it’s a label I’ve chosen for myself.

  Please respect other people’s labels, even when you don’t understand them.

  Chapter One

  KAOS PLACED the last cardboard box in the back of his beat-up Toyota and closed the hatch. When he turned back, Lake stood by the door to the studio, looking torn as hell.

  “I don’t want you to go,” she said quietly when he got to her and stepped inside her bubble. Only from that distance could he see her lip wobble. She was tough as nails and had been his rock, but she had two runners in a race that could only end with a guillotine at the finish line.

  “I know, baby, I do.” Kaos wrapped his arms around her and let her weep against his shoulder. He sighed and relaxed into the hug, taking comfort where he could get it.

  He glanced to the side, at the studio window he’d painted a year ago. He’d miss the fucking octopus and most of his regular clients and even the staff there. Everyone except one of the owners, Lake’s big brother and Kaos’s ex, Trev.

  “You call me, okay?” Her voice was small and fragile—everything she wasn’t. She was an Amazon, a few inches taller than his five ten, and like her brother, packed with muscle that required very little maintenance to stick.

  “Of course, baby. I’m sorry I gotta go,” Kaos whispered into her neck.

  “Yeah.” She took a deep breath and steeled herself, then let go of him. “Maybe I’ll come visit you one day.”

  “Once I know where I settle, I’ll send you an address, girl. I promise.” He gave her one more squeeze, for both of their sakes, then stepped back.

  They heard the familiar rumble of Trev’s souped-up SUV approaching from the side street, and Kaos suppressed a shiver. He gave Lake one more smile, then tried to walk to his car calmly. He wasn’t afraid. He wasn’t fucking afraid. Not anymore.

  For Trev’s benefit, Kaos had to admit that he was the one there late. Trev was on time. Kaos was supposed to be gone already. If he sped out of the parking spot a bit too fast, he decided it was because of the restraining order he had against Trev. Kaos didn’t want to call the order into question by something he did, for Lake’s sake. In any case, Kaos was leaving. Trev could keep his shop and his sister and their fucking neighborhood. It wasn’t fair that Kaos had taken the order and was the one having to leave. But he’d never fuck up other people’s jobs, and the guys at the studio needed Trev to be there. And Kaos, well… he could deal. Somehow.

  HE WAS driving along I-55 when his cell rang in its holder on the dash, muting his driving playlist automatically. He grinned when Makai’s name flashed on the screen. Kaos couldn’t wait for the chance to get a photo on his phone to go with the name, just like he had for all his friends. He reached to swipe to answer the call and made sure the phone was on speaker.

  “Hey, bro. How’s it going?” Kaos smiled. The thought of going toward the man who had been like a big brother to him those last two years in prison made everything inside him warm and happy.

  “Hey, Kaos. Thought I’d check up on you.” Makai’s tone held the affection that seemed to be innate to him. “What’s the ETA?”

  “Well, I’m gonna take a pit stop in Madison, get a cheap motel room somewhere and something to eat. Sleep for as much as I can, then drive to you guys tomorrow.”

  “That’s how many hours…?”

  “Five today, five tomorrow. If the Toyota can take it, so can I.”

  “Okay, let us know when you get into town so we can go and have a bite to eat at the diner. Emil’s been craving a blueberry shake like nobody’s business.” The fondness in Makai’s words was so obvious, it made Kaos smile. He was so fucking happy for his friend that he couldn’t begin to describe it.

  “Yeah, I’ll do that. Talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Drive safely, K.”

 
Kaos waited for Makai to end the call to see if his music would continue playing after. When it did, he smiled and reached for his Coke in the cup holder. He took a sip and cradled the can to his chest with one hand while steering with the other.

  Head-bopping to some nineties tunes and old family favorites, he continued his way toward Madison. He had googled some motels and planned to pick the closest one after he got in a few more hours of driving. He was getting hungry, so maybe he’d stop in a town on the way to get some fast food, even though he didn’t generally indulge in junk like that.

  The song changed, and the randomizer gave him one of his grandma’s favorite songs, Pat Benatar’s “Heartbreaker.” Smiling sadly and feeling the squeeze in his chest, he hummed along. He might’ve been more of a “Love Is a Battlefield” kind of guy, but he could appreciate this one too.

  KAOS ENDED up eating all the snacks Lake had bought him for the drive and still felt ravenous by the time he made it to Madison. Once he got a room at a motel, he showered and changed, then gave his makeup kit a longing look when he spotted it in his duffel. Sadly, it wasn’t the time or the place for that. He needed to be safe first.

  He explored the area a little and drove around until he found a pizza place, where he gorged himself on veggie pizza and breadsticks because he could. At least he hadn’t had fries and shit earlier. Not-so-pleasantly full, he drove back to the motel and fell asleep at around nine in the evening.

  The thing about Kaos’s sleeping habit was that he either slept a lot or not much at all. He could run on four hours a night for a week. Other times, he could easily sleep for thirteen hours straight if nobody woke him or he didn’t have to be at work. Prison had been annoying for him. Either he’d been impatient for the morning to come, or he’d felt like a zombie on the days where he needed more sleep than the strict schedule allowed.

  After the drive, he knew he’d have a long rest ahead of him just because traveling always exhausted him. When he finally woke up around ten in the morning, he wasn’t even a bit surprised.

  There was a text from Lake wishing him a good and safe rest of the journey, and the same from Makai. It felt good to have family waiting for him, even as he left behind the old one. Both had been chosen, not blood, since his grandma passed while he was in prison five years ago.

  It didn’t matter now, really. He needed to move on, and Grandma had always taught him to do whatever he needed to survive. This was him surviving. Staying in Missouri was a death sentence for him, because sometimes old habits were hard to break, even when that habit was a person, not a substance. The toxicity didn’t matter—a habit was a habit.

  He didn’t want to think about Trev, and while he washed up and skipped shaving, he looked at his skin in the mirror. The last thought he shed to his ex was the gratefulness for being away from him. In this world, his new life, eye shadow one day didn’t mean bruises the next. In this life he could do whatever he pleased without fear.

  With that in mind, he got dressed in a long black skirt, lamenting the lack of tights and heels. His black Chucks would have to do. Because it looked sunny out, he added a black tank top after deciding he could be weird as he wanted to. He brushed his blond hair back and skipped product, then took five more minutes and expertly put on some black nail polish, just to feel more right in his skin. He pulled on his favorite Army jacket, because it was November and in five hours he’d be somewhere much cooler.

  It wasn’t until he looked at himself in the mirror just before leaving the motel room that he realized he was having a feminine day. Those didn’t come without additional risks, but then again, if he didn’t stop anywhere too redneck, he would probably be safe. From what Makai had told him, the town of Acker accepted weirdos, mostly.

  He just needed to get there and it would be fine, right?

  IT WAS just past four when he finally pulled up in front of a two-story building with a large sign declaring it Tripod, the diner-slash-few-other-businesses he was looking for.

  Suddenly feeling oddly nervous, Kaos ran his fingers through his hair and looked at himself in the rearview mirror. It was just Makai, his brother from another mother. Sure, they hadn’t seen each other in a few years, but what did that matter?

  Kaos got out of the car and looked around while pulling on his jacket, grinning. It was exactly as Makai had described to him on the phone. There were a few businesses on each side of the two-lane road, and that was it. He could see the grocery store across the street, with the post office attached and what must’ve been the vet clinic next to it.

  There was a garage at the very end of the collective long parking lot on Tripod’s side of the street, and a couple of other businesses that somehow seemed to be flourishing for such a small town.

  A beat-up truck turned into the lot and parked right next to Kaos’s Toyota. The young man in the passenger’s seat had curly hair, big blue eyes, and a grin on his face. He didn’t open the door, just remained inside. And then a huge guy smiling from ear to ear rounded the car, and Kaos was swept into a hug.

  “There you are!” Makai rumbled into his ear, and Kaos melted against him. He couldn’t help it, as the old feeling of being totally safe swept over him, causing him to cry immediately. “Hey, it’s okay, Kaos, I promise. You’re fine now. Whatever happened, you’re okay now. We got you, okay?” Makai held him close and murmured into his hair for what felt like minutes.

  Kaos collected himself and took in a steadying breath before pulling away from Makai. “Hi, big brother,” he said, and grinned a bit wetly.

  “Hey, kiddo,” Makai answered, smiling at him, and Kaos could see the tears in Makai’s eyes trying to spill over. Makai reached back then, and the man who could only be Emil poked his head around him. “This is the love of my life, Emil Newman. Emil, this is Kaos, my brother.”

  Kaos wasn’t sure what he’d expected, but it wasn’t the shy little grin as Emil burrowed against Makai’s side.

  “Hi, Emil. Nice to meet you.”

  “You too. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Emil mostly avoided Kaos’s gaze and didn’t extend a hand to shake, but Makai had told Kaos that would most likely be the case. He hadn’t said why. Apparently it was Emil’s story to tell to the exact degree that he was happy to share it, and Kaos could respect that.

  The sky had turned gray when he’d been about twenty miles from town, and now it started to rain lightly.

  “Okay, let’s take this reunion inside, shall we?” Makai said, and steered them into the building.

  It looked like any diner Kaos had ever been in, and something about the familiarity made him at ease, even with the few people sitting at the booths and tables giving him curious glances. He probably looked weird to them, with his long skirt and Army green jacket that clashed with it hideously, but he couldn’t bring himself to care when Makai grinned at him over his shoulder.

  They went to a booth Emil seemed to have picked by the windows. As soon as they sat down, a friendly-looking woman with Leah on her name tag stopped by the table.

  “Hi, guys. This your friend?” She beamed at them all and extended a hand to Kaos. “Hi, I’m Leah. I own this place with my husband, Stuart. Welcome to town.”

  “I’m Kaos, and thanks.” He smiled back as he shook her hand. She seemed genuinely friendly and nice.

  “So, what can I get you gents?” She took a pad and a pen out of her apron and looked at them expectantly.

  Makai and Emil had their orders lined up. If Kaos was honest, he was a bit surprised they didn’t just say they wanted the regular—they seemed that comfortable here.

  “I’ll have the blueberry shake, a latte, and the mac and cheese sounds good. Side salad too,” Kaos said after looking at the blackboard listing that week’s special.

  “Coming right up!” She bustled away, and Kaos blinked after her.

  “She’s efficient,” Makai said, smiling at him.

  “So it would seem,” Kaos agreed.

  “I like your skirt,” Emil said suddenly in a quiet,
almost tentative way.

  Kaos turned his gaze on him, and Emil blushed lightly. Shy—Emil was definitely shy as hell. “Thanks. I like that you have nail polish on too. Makes me feel less like a weirdo.” Kaos nodded at Emil’s hands, which sported some teal polish.

  “Hey, nobody here is a weirdo,” Makai said firmly but in a kind voice.

  “I had a polish party with Joie yesterday when they came over,” Emil explained. “I don’t do mine that often these days—playing the guitar is hell on the polish—so I basically gave the kid most of mine and kept a few bottles.”

  It was the most Emil had spoken so far, and Kaos felt like he might open up pretty soon as long as the topic was something important to him.

  “Joie is the kid living across the lake from you guys?” Kaos asked, digging in his memory.

  “Yeah, they and their mom, Lotte, live there. We watch Joie for her if she’s working and her boyfriend can’t watch them. After all, we’re mostly at home,” Makai added.

  “They’re nonbinary?” Kaos wanted to make sure.

  “Yeah, that’s why I knew how to react to them the first day I came to town, because I knew you from before,” Makai said brightly, then ducked his head and looked sheepish. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to out you.”

  “Hey, I’m here in a skirt,” Kaos said quickly. He looked at Emil, who seemed like he was having an epiphany.

  “Wait! You’re the cellmate Makai said was genderqueer, right?” He seemed ever so happy about figuring that out.

  “You didn’t tell him? Why the fuck not?” Kaos asked Makai.

  “It’s not my story to tell.”

  “You say that a lot, but some stuff we need to know,” Kaos reprimanded him. Then he looked at Emil again. “Yeah, that would be me. It fluctuates, how I feel. I’m happy with he and him pronouns-wise, but I don’t mind she and her on the more girly days. It’s not a big deal. Sometimes I go femme for days at a time. Sometimes I do this”—he gestured at his current clothing that was somewhere in between—“and mostly I’m in guy clothes.”