by J Q Anderson
She slides onto his lap and I expect him to find an excuse to move her off, but he wraps his arms around her and pulls her into a kiss.
I’ll be damned.
We make plans to meet up top in an hour. Pete, Dillon and I leave first and Dani says she will go change, then she and Natalia will join us at Needles.
At the summit, the guys and I race each other through the fresh powder. My legs are burning and I welcome the distraction from whatever is going on in my chest.
When the girls meet up with us, Natalia’s eyes are blazing crystals. She kisses Pete and Dillon’s cheeks, then looks at me and smiles. I slide over to her as she clips her skis on, then lean down to kiss her.
“Morning,” I mutter. She smells amazing. I want to bail on the skiing and take her back to bed.
“Hi, Jake.” Those eyes lock into mine. Christ.
“Let’s have fun.” She lowers her goggles, then pushes off her poles and slides toward the guys and Dani who are waiting by the edge of a trail. She pauses beside them, then disappears downhill.
I clench my teeth and follow the group, who is taking turns to slice the mountain behind Natalia. And I know the next twenty four hours will be a fucking war. What I am not sure of, is if the war will be between Natalia and me, or the two sides of me who will not come to an agreement over what will happen next.
Chapter 21: Natalia:
By the time we call it a day is past four. My legs are practically shaking from the exertion of a long ski day. It feels good and it temporarily distracts my thoughts from constantly going back to Jake.
Jake who taught me how to swim.
Jake who saved me from dying in the snow.
Jake who is leaving tomorrow.
At the base of the mountain, Dani circles her arms around Dillon’s neck. I can’t wait to get her alone. I have never seen Dani this clingy with a guy. In her defense, Dillon looks equally whipped. Or maybe all American men are masters at making women believe they are interested. The jury’s still out on that one.
Jake props his skis on one shoulder and walks to where I am. I’m forcing my eyes to focus on anything but him because he looks like he just walked out of a catalog for ski apparel.
We’ve played a cat and mouse game all day, and I am mainly responsible for that. I just don’t know how to feign disinterest when all I want is for him to stay longer. I shake my head. Now I’m being ridiculous. Jake is not attached to anyone and I’d be a fool to think ‘I can change him.’ I want to slap myself and throw me under a cold shower.
He approaches and I can feel his eyes burning on me. I look up and our eyes lock. In the glow of the snow his eyes have that endless brandy hue that makes my brain forget its basic functions.
“Want to hang out later?” He smiles. “It’s our last night.”
Now I want to slap him, because I don’t need any reminders that this will be our last night together. Jesus, it would probably be a good idea for me to spend the night by myself, away from any sharp objects.
“Sure,” I murmur, because despite the violent thoughts I am a fool and I want every minute he can give me.
“Dani said there’s a party later in the village for somebody’s birthday? Do you think the guys and I can come?”
I nod.
“What’s the matter?” He frowns.
I don’t want you to go. “Nothing. I’m just spent.”
He envelopes me in his arms. His frame towers over me and I press my face against his Jacket. It’s cold. Like me. I bite hard to reign in the tears. My throat swells until it hurts.
“Maybe we can sneak out early and come back to my villa,” he whispers in my ear. “I want to spend time alone with you.” He pulls back and brushes my cheek with the back of his hand. It’s getting damn hard not to cry. Reaching up, I close my eyes and kiss him.
“That sounds great.”
Dani, Zack and I order drinks at the sports bar where Lane’s party takes place. It didn’t start until nine in the evening, and the day-staff from the resort trickles in as they finish their shifts. The party will go until sunrise and tomorrow everyone will walk around like zombies. It suits me just fine, because I already want to erase tomorrow.
Jake and his friends will be meeting us here at some point. For the moment, I enjoy time alone with my two friends. I spent the first ten minutes grilling Dani over Dillon. She has no defense. She is totally into him and that’s that. I have never seen Dani so ‘into’ someone. I shake my head and look at Zack. He’s been quiet and has a somber halo over his head. I kick him under the table to get his attention.
“What’s the matter? It’s a party.” Huh. He could be saying the exact same thing to me.
“Mariana broke up with me. Over the fucking phone.” His eyes are trained on his beer.
“What the fuck. Seriously? Why?” Dani and I look at each other. She shakes her head slightly to let me know this is news to her, too.
He shrugs. “She can’t handle the long distance, I guess.”
“Zack, you are going home in a month.” I frown.
“I underestimated the whole long distance thing,” he says, still looking at the beer as if it contains the dreams he just lost. “I thought we could do it.”
“Jesus, Zack.” I reach over the table for his hand and squeeze it. “You and I. We both did. But that doesn’t change that Marc and Mariana are a pair of assholes for letting us believe everything was alright. Marc and Mariana.” I smirk. “They even sound like a couple of fuckers.”
Zack chuckles. “Yeah. I guess she met someone else, too.”
I roll my eyes. “Shit. Of course.”
Zack finally looks up from his beer. His eyes are etched with hurt. He doesn’t deserve this. Fuckdammit. I stand up and take Zack's hand. “Come here.” He obeys and I pull him into a hug. At first his arms are limp, then they slowly circle around my back and hug me. I tighten mine and after a few seconds his grip is so tight I can barely breathe. I close my eyes and the tears spill down my cheeks. I am not sure if I am crying just for Zack, or for me as well.
He finally pulls away and I quickly wipe my cheeks. He rubs my head when he sees my eyes wet.
“Let’s get shit-faced.” He forces a grin and I nod. Dani locks eyes with Zack and she blows him a kiss as he sits down. He smiles.
Jake, Pete and Dillon are suddenly at the table. I didn’t hear them approach at all. When I look up at Jake he’s scowling. His eyes dart from Zack to mine. What’s his problem? Dillon pulls Dani into his arms and gives her a deep kiss. I feel a pang of jealousy. Dani doesn’t seem affected by the fact that Dillon is leaving tomorrow. I wish I could be as ‘in the moment’ as Dani.
The guys slide into the long booth. Before sitting down, Jake tugs on my hand and leans down to kiss me.
“Everything okay?” He whispers. His eyes Dart to Zack, who is talking to Pete.
“Yup.”
He nods and slides into the seat beside me.
We have a few beers and after a couple of hours it is hard to keep my eyes open. Dani and Dillon have already disappeared. Pete is engaged in a pool game with Zack, Derek and other guys from the resort. Jake and I are the only ones left at our table. Neither of us has said much tonight and I am invaded by a sense of dread.
“Do you mind if we leave?” I look up at Jake and he gives me a half-smile.
“Of course not. Let me just tell Pete.”
I watch him while he makes his way to where Pete is and they have a brief conversation. Pete pats his back and says something that makes Jake shake his head in annoyance. I want to know what Pete said.
Sneaking into my room is easy, since most of the day-staff is at the party and the night-shift is in the guest areas. As soon as I close the door behind us, Jake pulls me into his arms and kisses me hard. I close my eyes and try not to think that I won’t get to do this with him after tonight. I won’t be able to touch him. The thought burns as it whirls inside my head. I kiss him back hard, so hard he has to grip my shoulders and pu
ll me back so he can take a breath. Our eyes meet and it’s too late.
I’m already crying.
“Don’t,” he mutters. His eyes are etched in pain.
“Sorry.” My voice is raspy and thick with emotion.
He hugs me tight and we stay like that for a long time. Just holding each other. Then he takes my face in his hands and kisses me deeply. I tangle my fingers in his hair and do the same. Our tongues intertwine in a sensual dance. We undress each other. Slow at first, then with movements that become more and more desperate. We drop on the bed, our mouths saying all the things our words can’t.
Jake presses me down to the mattress, my body pinned under his weight, then thrusts inside me almost violently. I gasp, not from pain, but surprise. He fills me completely and it’s Heaven. He presses himself deeper, then pulls back, then does it again. His fingers brush the hair off my face. His eyes are blazing as they lock into mine.
“Tell me something, “ he says. His voice is hoarse with need. “What will you do tomorrow? Will you think of me?” He thrusts deeper and I gasp.
“Tell me,” he whispers.
I blink at him. It is hard to focus on anything, but the amazing feeling of him inside me. I want to close my eyes and let go. But his eyes are so intense it’s impossible to look away.
“Tomorrow… doesn’t matter, Jake. You’ll be gone.”
He thrusts into me again and I close my eyes, but he holds my chin with his hand.
“Will you be with him?”
I frown. “What? Who?” I’m breathless. He possesses all of me and I want to surrender.
“Your friend. I saw you in his arms, tonight.”
What? WTF? The inebriating lust from a second ago recedes like a whip. Pressing my hands against his chest, I push him off me. I wince when he pulls out of me and sits back. My whole body tenses in protest. Jake frowns and watches me as I slide against the headboard.
“What the hell, Jake?” I mutter. “What gives you the right to ask me that? Even if you saw what you think you saw?”
He closes his eyes as if he’s reigning in his temper.
“Nothing. I have no right. I just… Dammit, Natalia. I can’t let go of you.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know,” he snaps. “I’ve been trying to figure out the same thing since I first met you. Fuck. We’ve been through this. I don’t get involved with women this way.”
His words cut through me and the reminder of the way in which he does get involved with women seeps into me like poison.
“Why is that, Jake?”
“Natalia.” He lets out a deep sigh. “Let’s not do this now.”
I ignore the bewitching sound of my name as it travels through me. “I want to know, Jake.”
“Don’t.” He frowns.
I frown back and neither of us says anything more. Our eyes are locked in a stupid stare-off. He’s sitting at the foot of the bed and I’m pressed against the headboard. The air between us is electric.
The seconds pass, melting away the little time we have left together. My heart constricts. I don’t want to argue. I want to be pressed against him, so tight that there is no space at all between our bodies.
Jake closes his eyes and hangs his head in resignation and for a second I think he’s about to get up and leave. Panic flashes through me and I launch myself to him, wrapping my legs and arms around his body like a vine.
“Let’s go back to before this conversation started.” I say against his mouth. “Let’s not talk anymore tonight, Jake.” I crush my mouth against his and after a second his arms are around me and he’s lowering me back onto the bed. I’m immediately aroused and he groans when his hand moves between my legs and his fingers slide in and out of me.
“Fuck,” he whispers and then he’s inside me. It’s desperate, guttural and driven by need. I match his every move because in this moment we are both feeling the same. He slams into me and I am lost, drunk with images of Jake as the rest of the world fades.
That night I don’t move to Dani’s bed. I stay in Jake’s arms, letting his scent intoxicate me. It’s permanently imprinted in my memory. Maybe if I breathe it for a whole night it will last me after he’s gone.
Chapter 22: Jake
I unlock my apartment and drop my bags by the door. The last few hours disappear in a blur. When I woke up this morning a sense of absolute peace filled me. I breathed it in and out. Natalia lay asleep in my arms, her warmth and mine blended into one. Then consciousness drifted in and the rusted darkness within me rose to the surface, erasing the last of the peace. My heart fist punched my chest. I was sure she would wake from the pounding.
I detangled myself from her body, careful not to wake her, and picked up my clothes in haste, driven by the desperation that possessed me. Gripping the doorknob I paused one last time to take one last look. She was beautiful, a mystical siren lost in her dreams. Her hair cascaded down her back in unruly sable strands that brushed the sheet tangled at her waist. I knew I was being a coward by running away like that. She would miss me when she woke. But the war that exploded inside me could not be put into words. What have you started? I thought. And I needed to strip those feelings off like a bandage if I wanted to keep the darkness locked.
There was no other way.
I sink into the couch watching the marine layer fog the floor to ceiling windows of my apartment. This used to be my haven, my safe place. No women here.
No past.
Just me.
But the unease gripping my chest won’t give. Natalia filtered in through the old scars of my heart. Scars that have been there since I was eight years old.
An image of Natalia crying last night flashes in my mind and the fist in my chest rattles. You fucking prick. You are hollow, Jake. You pathetic fuck. I roam around the room like a caged animal, then turn the stereo up loud. The Foo Fighters momentarily drown the silence that used to comfort me, but they fail to drown the noise in my head.
I pour myself a scotch and down it. Another. Then another. By the fourth one the hold in my chest is replaced by numbness. My phone rings persistently. It’s the fourth time since I’ve landed, but I don’t bother. I know it’s Tamara, or one of the others. The others that pay the bills, asshole. I don’t even check my messages. I pour myself another drink and welcome the numbness.
Bleaching morning light echoes against the stark white walls of my apartment. I use to like the simplicity of it. Nothing to disturb the perfect environment I exist in. Now it seems surgical. Calculated and cold. Wasn’t that the point? To not feel? I close my eyes and memories from Natalia bleed into my mind in Scorsese-red. I force myself up and slip into shorts and running shoes, then bolt into a run along the beach. The marine layer is thick, moisture beading my face and bare torso as I push my muscles into exertion. My head is still foggy from the alcohol and lack of food. I pass the Santa Monica Pier, then Muscle Beach. It’s all bleak at this early hour, the skeleton of a pulsing body that will later come to life. Now it is only me and the piercing chant of the seagulls as they hover around leftovers and rotting seaweed.
By the time I get back home I can’t think. I simply exist. That’s what I love about physical exercise. At some point exertion takes over the brain.
I shower and quickly scan through my messages as I wait for my coffee to brew. Two from Tamara and two more from clients I booked for later this month. They want to confirm trips, parties and all the events that normally fill my life. Now having to follow through with the plans I made seems like a sentence. I don’t really need the money anymore. I have saved enough. Then why do you do it, Jake? Natalia’s voice torments me. Everyone deserves to be loved.
I open my laptop and dive into the list I made for the surf shop. I have vendors to visit this month. I am momentarily distracted by the ideas I have for the design and a flicker of excitement snaps somewhere inside my ribcage. For the next two hours I get lost in the tasks that I need to accomplish to make this dream happen.
The week comes and goes. I purposely fill every hour so I can keep a good grip on my mind. Natalia still manages to trespass my thoughts. Alcohol is a good antidote, and it makes the idea of the upcoming trips and time with my clients more bearable.
Dillon calls me to tell me he’s going back to Aspen to see Dani. He wants me to go with him, but I tell him I can’t.
I know that when Natalia sees Dillon show up alone it will hurt her. I curse myself for hurting her even when I am not there to do it in person. Fuck my obsession to prove myself wrong. That’s what started all this. She wasn’t like the others. I know that now. Natalia isn’t like anyone.
Thursday I fly to New York to meet Tamara. She’s booked me for a quick trip until Sunday for some events she needs to attend. She is now talking to some big wig from the Museum of Modern Art. We are at a party in his penthouse overlooking Park Avenue. I tune out of the conversation and sip my scotch. Tamara is a Pro. She laughs at all the right moments. It’s all staged. Thousands of dollars have been spent at this charity event to persuade these people to in turn donate their money for a good cause. It’s all a circus where the animals scratch each other’s back at the right angles.
Tamara turns to me and smiles. We are alone and she snakes her arm around my waist. I don’t feel anything, as usual. But smile back at her. She has paid for it.
“You look stunning in a tux, Jake. Do you want to go? I think I want to have you all for myself now.”
I give her a brief nod, fighting the sudden urge to rip this monkey suit off me and run to the airport.
Later that night I watch Manhattan from Tamara’s penthouse on the Upper West Side while she sleeps. Tamara likes expensive things. Only the best. She can afford it as the marketing head of a pharmaceutical company. In Tamara’s life, every minute is gold. That’s why her only relationship is one she pays for. No time for complications or tangled emotions. Everything is more simple in black and white.
