by J Q Anderson
“You are welcome.” I look into his eyes and want to tell him the words that want to burst out of me whenever we are like this.
I’m falling for you, Jake.
Jake pulls me into a kiss, distracting me. I give in, but Charlie’s words come back to me and I know that he’s right. After Marc and I broke up it was all an avalanche. I need to think of what I want. Maybe what I need is to be alone for a while and figure things out.
And as Jake kisses me, a new ticking sound pulses inside me.
***
Dani and Zack finally come to visit me. I am thrilled to see them. Dillon will come down from San Francisco for the weekend, too.
Chef Pierre gives me an extra day off when I tell him I have friends visiting from Buenos Aires. It is unusual, but he knows how hard I work and I promise to make it up the following week.
My internship ends in a month and so does my visa. If I am not offered a job at that time I will have to go back to Buenos Aires. This causes my anxiety level to fly off the charts. Sydney tells me to apply to all the restaurants in town as a backup and assures me I will find a job easily.
I am not so sure.
Dani and Zack are stretched out opposite to each other on the only couch in my living room while I make cocktails and tell them about having to find a job soon.
“You could marry Jake,” Dani says, yawning at the ceiling.
I drop the ice in the glasses and peak around the door.
“Dani. That’s illegal.”
“So? Lots of people do it.”
I laugh. “Can you imagine? Jake would have a stroke.”
“If after all this time he still can’t man-up he can fuck off, Nati,” Zack says from his end of the couch. Dani nods. She knows about Jake’s other job, but Zack doesn’t. If he did I know for a fact he’d find Jake and beat the shit out of him. Zack may not be six four, but he can win a fist fight against pretty much anyone. I have actually witnessed it a few times. He is absolutely fearless.
So what are you going to do?” Dani asks.
“Seriously guys, can you quit dumping on me? You just got here.”
Zack rubs his forehead. “I just don’t get why you insist on dating American guys. They all have fucked up morals, or commitment shit.”
I carry their drinks to them and Zack smiles. He loves it when the tables are turned and I make drinks for him.
“Dani, how are things with Dillon?”
She grins. “Amazing. I’m madly in love.” She laughs and Zack and I look at each other. “I know… I sound like one of those high school brats. But seriously. I never thought I’d fall this hard for a guy. He’s come to Buenos Aires twice since we left Aspen. I’m worried he’ll be broke soon.”
I sit on the floor with my back against the couch and my legs stretched in front of me. I take a sip of my mojito, wishing Jake was a little bit like Dillon.
“Let’s go out tonight,” Zack says.
I look up at him. Yeah. Let’s go out tonight.
Chapter 28: Jake
There’s a knock on the door as I get out of the shower. I throw on jeans and swing it open. Dillon grins as he looks me up and down.
“Man, I hope I interrupted something good.”
I roll my eyes. “Nice to see you, asshole.”
He drops his bag by the door and goes straight to the fridge to grab a beer, then tosses me one. He wasn’t supposed to show up till tomorrow, but he said he wanted to surprise Dani.
“So tell me about this girl. You’ve flown to Buenos Aires twice already. Is she the real thing?”
He takes a swig of his beer and sucks his lips in. “Yup. Think so”
I watch him while I drink mine. This whole thing with Dani is so out of character for Dillon. I’ve never seen him like this about a woman.
“You’re starting to freak me out, Dillon.” I laugh. “Are you going to marry her and shit?”
A corner of his mouth curves up. “Possibly. Who knows. I have a surprise for her tonight.”
My chest tightens and I take a long swig of beer. “Shit, man. Don’t tell me you’re proposing ‘cause I’ll have to beat some sense into you.”
Dillon laughs. “Nope. Not that. Not yet, at least.”
Immediate relief washes through me. I grill Dillon further, but whatever his surprise is, he’s tight lipped. I agree to come with him to Natalia’s where Dani is staying.
We knock on Natalia’s door at past nine, but the place is silent. I text her and she tells me they are at a bar downtown. Dillon and I finally make our way there. It is a bitch to find parking and I have to be up early to do inventory. I am glad he drove his rental, so I give him a key to my place and tell him I’ll probably leave the bar early.
We find the girls at a table with their other friend, Zack. He gives me a guarded look as I shake his hand. I don’t think he likes me. Dani jumps at the sight of Dillon. He scoops her in his arms and gives her a deep kiss in front of everyone. We all whistle at their explicit show.
I buy the next round of drinks and Natalia tells me she’s already on her third, but it’s okay because she doesn’t have to work tomorrow. She looks tipsy, but for the first time in a while she also seems relaxed.
We order food and keep the drinks coming. Dani is on Dillon’s lap and they have not spent a single moment apart. Poor asshole, he’s whipped. The waitress is clearing the food off our table when Dillon stands up. I’m thinking he’s heading to the bathroom, but he pulls on Dani’s hand and tugs her away toward a patio at the back of the restaurant. I follow them with my eyes and see Dillon wrapping her into his arms as he says something to her ear. Whatever he says to her makes her squeal out loud and she jumps back into his arms and kisses him. What the fuck. I hope he didn’t just propose. That would make me an even bigger asshole in front of Natalia. Nice, Jake. Always the selfish fuck, aren’t you.
They come back to the table and tell us they have an announcement. My palms are fucking sweating because this sounds a hell of a lot like a proposal. I want to punch Dillon for not giving me a heads up. But then he announces he will spend the next year in Argentina with Dani. He will look for a job and then they’ll see where things go from there. Dani can’t stop crying. You’d think she just won the lottery. Maybe Dillon is her lottery. Huh. My eyes lock with Dillon’s as he slides into the seat across from me. I shake my head and he smirks.
“Sorry. I needed to tell her first.”
I dismiss him with a nod. Dillon is fucking crazier than I thought. “Good luck, man,” I mutter. I turn to Natalia and she is looking at Dani with something like longing. Her eyes are wet and I can tell she’s trying not to cry. I hold her hand under the table.
“Want to dance?”
She doesn’t look at me, but nods and slides out of the booth. I wrap her in my arms and when I look down at her she quickly wipes her eyes. I feel like the biggest shit in the world because I know I am somehow responsible for those tears. I brush her hair to the side so I can kiss her neck. She melts, the way she always does when we are this close and I take a long breath of my favorite smell.
“Are you okay?” I whisper.
She nods, then closes her eyes and the tears spill again. I wipe them with my thumbs. “Please don’t. I hate to see you sad, Nati.” For some reason this makes her cry harder. She presses her face against my chest to hide her eyes and I tighten my arms around her.
“Do you want to go?” I ask her and she says yes.
I give her a few minutes to dry her eyes, then she says goodbye to Dani and gives a key to Zack in case she’s asleep when he comes back to her place.
In the car she’s quiet. I rake my brain for something to lift her mood, but come out empty. When we reach her apartment door I kiss her.
“Do you want me to stay?”
She looks at me for a long moment. “This doesn’t work for me anymore, Jake.”
A claw of panic grips my chest.
“What?”
“Our arrangement. I thought I could do t
his, but I can’t.” She turns to unlock the door.
“What are you saying?” My heart is kicking the shit out of my ribcage. I pull her into the apartment and turn on the lights, then pace around. The walls close in on me. Fuck. This can’t be happening. “Natalia. Everything was fine until tonight. What the hell happened?”
“I’m in love with you, Jake. I have been for a while, and I can’t hold all this in anymore. It’s killing me.”
I run both hands through my hair as the panic rises to my throat. This feels like a fucking nightmare, the moment I’ve been dreading since I decided to give this a shot.
“Natalia. What the fuck. We had an agreement.”
“Why?” she snaps. “What the hell happened to you that you’ve chosen to live your entire life without mustering a single feeling?”
“I’ve never lied to you. I told you from the start I don’t get involved in relationships that way. You knew this about me. You said you were okay with it.” Now it’s me who’s shouting. I have to close my hands into fists to stop the shaking. Her eyes narrow.
“How can I be okay knowing every time you leave you fuck other women for money? What the hell does that say about me? I must be more screwed up than you. I’m sorry, Jake. I just can’t keep this going.”
“The women,” I mutter. “They’re over. I don’t do that anymore. I’m retired.”
She walks around me and searches my eyes. “What did you say?”
“I’m retired.” I look down at her and her eyes are etched in confusion.
“Since when?”
I close my eyes for a moment. I know exactly where this is going, but I have promised not to lie to her and I need to keep that promise.
“A few months ago.”
Her eyes lock on mine in an incredulous stare as her mouth falls open.
“A few months? Why didn’t you tell me, Jake?”
“I didn’t want you to think I was ready for something different between us.”
“Oh my God. Do you have any idea how fucked up that is?”
The tears filling her eyes spill as she blinks.
“I’m sorry, Natalia.”
“You are? Sorry? You selfish son of a bitch. What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know what it’s been like to wake up every morning knowing you may be fucking someone else later on?”
“Natalia—”
“It fucking killed me. Every. Fucking. Day. You are so incredibly selfish that you kept it from me because God forbid the great Jake Harper articulates a goddamn feeling for once.” Her fist is pounding on my chest, but I don’t defend myself. I let her run out of air. Then she lets her arms drop. She is sobbing so hard her whole body is shaking. I wrap my arms around her and hug her for a long time. She doesn’t hug me back, but she has no energy left to fight me. I slide us to the floor and pull her onto my lap, closing my arms around her. She doesn’t say anything. She just cries against my chest until her sobs are barely audible. I lean my cheek on her head and we stay like that for a long time. Then she pulls away and looks into my eyes.
“I want more, Jake.” Her eyes are pure, crystal green. Panic unfurls inside me.
“I can’t,” I mutter. “I’m sorry, Natalia. I can’t.”
Her palms press against my chest and she pushes me away.
“Then go.” Those blazing green eyes meet mine and narrow.
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do. I need you to go and let me live my own life. Do not come back, Jake. If you are half the man I thought you were you’ll respect my decision and stay away from me.”
“This is what you want?” My heart is banging in my chest. I know if I leave here tonight I won’t have another chance with her.
“Yes.” He expression is calm. She stands up and turns, then disappears into her bedroom. I expect her to slam the door, but she doesn’t. I stand up in automated motion and close the front door behind me.
And as I make my way to my car all hell breaks loose inside of me.
***
I drive around for hours, at a complete loss of what to do next. In my mind, parting ways with Natalia has always been a possibility. What I didn’t factor in was her breaking up with me. Of course, Jake. That would have meant your overinflated ego needed a checkup.
I pull over by the landing, now deserted. Clutching the steering wheel, I press my forehead to my hands as what feels a hell of a lot like a panic attack claws at my chest from the inside.
You’re an idiot, Jake. Yes. I am an idiot. And an egotistic fuck for thinking she would never leave me.
I walk to the shore and sit on the sand with my head in my hands. The furious roar of the ocean is deafening, and all at once the memories from my past flood my mind. I squeeze my eyes shut, but there is no stopping the tornado as it thrashes through my head. I fist my hair to stop the trembling in my hands. The darkness is unleashed and it is so loud inside my head my brain is pulsing. Two decades of unshed tears scald my eyes. I cry out loud as a tidal wave of sealed emotions scourges its way though me. I can’t hold back and break down in a convulsion of sobs.
And the day my mother left comes back like it was yesterday.
I am eight. Our life at the ranch in Santa Barbara is simple, but we are happy, my brother Jamie, Mom, Dad, and me. Jamie has just turned four and we had a party for him.
In the evening Mom comes to my room and sits down on my bed. I tell her I can’t wait to start swim camp the next day. She looks at me for a long time, then tells me she is leaving that night and won’t live with us anymore. She says she has to leave because the love she once felt for my dad is gone. I don’t understand. We are happy. I don’t want to be like those kids at school with just one parent. I start crying and beg her not to go. She caresses my hair and lets me cry. She says she will always love Jamie and me and that she is sorry she can’t be a better mother. She says I have to be strong for Jamie and for Dad. Jagged pain rakes my chest.
I don’t go to swim camp. Every day Jamie and I wait on the front steps of our house. Jamie keeps saying mom will come back for us and although I know she isn’t, I can’t squash the little hope he has left. One day it is really cold when we go out. We sit for a long time. Jamie is shaking hard and I tell him we should go in. He won’t listen so I grab his face and yell that mom is a selfish person and she isn’t coming back. Jamie cries himself to sleep for I don’t know how many nights. Until one day he wakes up and the light in his eyes is gone. He stops smiling.
As the memories invade me, so does the hatred. I have hated that woman every day since the day she left. I hated her for me and for Jamie and for Dad. Dad never lost hope. He forgave her, and so did Jamie.
Not me.
It took so long for the pain to ease.
Maybe it never did.
I have never openly talked about this to anyone. Not even Pete. But I need Natalia to know the truth. I need her to know that I would love her if I could.
I drive back to her apartment. The lights are off, but I can’t leave until I do what I came here to do.
I knock on the door and within minutes it swings open. Her eyes are swollen and red rimmed. Her lip trembles and she shakes her head.
“Jake…”
Before she has time to say anything I let the words out in a torrent. I don’t even come in. I stand at her threshold afraid that if I take one step in I won’t be able to go through with this. I grip the door frame to stop the shaking. My breaths are coming out in broken gasps as I fight for control.
I tell her everything about that day. About my mother leaving, about Jamie and Dad. About the misery she left us in. I don’t stop until she knows everything I’ve been storing about my past.
“I saw how my father’s life faded away every single day. I can still see the look in his eyes. The heartbreak. He always told me he never regretted loving her. He said some people are broken and can’t cope with the pain. He said my mother loved us, but she was ill and not equipped to be a mother. I hated her. Every day. I prom
ised myself I would never let a woman do that to me.”
Natalia watches me with wide eyes and leans on the door, winded. Tears stream down her cheeks. She’s trying to stifle her sobs, but her body is shaking.
“I love you, Jake. I am not her.”
The words cut through me.
No.
I turn around and take the stairs two at a time.
Chapter 29: Natalia
I fall face down on my bed. Part of me knew this day was coming. That part has been preparing, storing up numbness for precisely this moment. The rest of me is raw with shear pain. It’s like I’m being burned alive. The day that plastic chick opened Marc’s door was only a shred of what I feel right now. A full room of words wouldn’t be enough to describe it.
So I don’t even try.
I cry most of the night until I finally have no tears left. In the morning, I step around Zack who is sound asleep on the living room couch. I am glad he is here. It will help me be strong if Jake decides to come back to persuade me, the way he always does. Although this time I know there’s no coming back for me.
When Zack wakes up we go out for breakfast. He knows something is up because I have not taken my sunglasses off even though the sun hasn’t yet made an appearance.
“Shitty night?” he says, taking a bite of his waffles.
“More like shitty six months.”
“That bad, huh? You and Aquaman having problems?”
I ignore his joke and push my food around with my fork. “We broke up.”
“Fucker. Seriously? I knew that guy couldn’t be trusted. He better not show his face at your place. What’ he do?”
“Nothing. That’s just it. No future.”
“Shit. Well, better now than later then, Nati.”
“I need to get a grip, Zack.” I mutter. “First Marc, then Jake. I can’t let guys drive my life. I need to be the one at the wheel.”
We finish our breakfast and I feel like going back to bed, but I don’t want to ruin Zack’s short visit. Dani spent the night with Dillon. She comes by in the morning when she finds out what happened. She hugs me while I have a crying fit after I find one of Jake’s T-shirts in my laundry basket. She says Jake has been out of the apartment last night and when he showed up in the morning he looked like shit. The fact that Jake is miserable too should comfort me, but it doesn’t.
