• A 32-year-old man was treated for a gunshot wound in his thigh in a Kentucky hospital. He had accidentally shot himself, he explained, while practicing his quick draw...with a snowman.
• Daniel Carson Lewis was charged with criminal mischief, driving while intoxicated, weapons misconduct, and assault after shooting a hole in the Alaskan Pipeline north of Fairbanks. Result: 280,000 gallons of crude oil were spilled over two acres of tundra before crews could stop the leak, the worst in about 20 years. Cleanup costs were estimated at $7 million. He did it, said his brother, “just to see if he could.” He faces up to 10 years in prison.
• Chaddrick Dickson, 25, was treated for wounds received while trying to get the gunpowder out of a .22-caliber bullet by holding it with pliers and smashing it on the floor. The bullet exploded, hitting him in the leg. Dickson needed the gunpowder, he said, to put in his dog’s food “to make him meaner.”
• To get the attention of officers in a passing police car after getting a flat tire, a man in Pretoria, South Africa, shot his gun at it. The officers didn’t help him with the flat, but they did charge him with attempted murder.
“We hang the petty thieves, but appoint the great ones to public office.” —Aesop
LOONEY LAWS
Believe it or not, these laws are real.
In Kentucky, it’s against the law to throw eggs at a public speaker.
In Shawnee, Oklahoma, it’s illegal for three or more dogs to “meet” on private property without the consent of the owner.
In Hartford, Connecticut, transporting a cadaver by taxi is punishable by a $5 fine.
In Michigan, it’s illegal for a woman to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission.
You can ride your bike on main streets in Forgan, Oklahoma, but it’s against the law to ride it backwards.
If you tie an elephant to a parking meter in Orlando, Florida, you have to feed the meter just as if the elephant were a car.
California law forbids sleeping in the kitchen...but allows cooking in the bedroom.
It’s a felony in Montana for a wife to open a telegram addressed to her husband. (It’s not a crime for the husband to open telegrams addressed to his wife.)
You can gargle in Louisiana if you want to, but it’s against the law to do it in public.
In Maryland it’s against the law for grandchildren to marry their grandparents.
It’s against the law to anchor your boat to the train tracks in Jefferson City, Missouri.
In Columbus, Montana, it’s a misdemeanor to pass the mayor on the street without tipping your hat.
It’s illegal to throw an onion in Princeton, Texas.
Kentucky law requires that every person in the state take a bath at least once a year.
It’s against the law to pawn your wooden leg in Delaware.
TASERS debilitate people by temporarily overriding their entire nervous system.
AMERICAN CANNIBAL
In 1977 U.S. Dept. of Agrigulture officials named a new dining hall after 19th-century pioneer Alferd G. Packer. The hall was renamed a few months later. Why? The officials discovered that Packer did more than just explore.
ADUBIOUS DISTINCTION
Alferd G. Packer holds a unique spot in American jurisprudence. He is the only U.S. citizen ever charged, tried, and convicted for the crime of murder and cannibalism.
Born in rural Colorado in 1847, Packer drifted into the Utah Territory, supporting himself as a small-time con artist, claiming to be an experienced “mountain man.” In the fall of 1873, he persuaded 20 greenhorns in Salt Lake City to grubstake an expedition to the headwaters of the Gunnison River in Colorado Territory. He swore that the stream was full of gold and promised to lead them to it if they would finance the operation.
GOLD FEVER
With Packer leading, they plunged into the San Juan Mountains and promptly got lost. The party was near starvation when they stumbled into the winter quarters of the friendly Ute tribe. The Indians nursed them back to health, but the leader, Chief Ouray, advised them to turn back. Winter snows had blocked all trails. Ten of the party listened and returned to Utah. The other 10, still believing Packer’s tales of gold-filled creeks, stayed with him.
Ouray gave them supplies and advised them to follow the river upstream for safety, but Packer ingored this counsel and plunged back into the mountains. The party split up again. Five turned back and made their way to the Los Pinos Indian Agency. Fired up with gold fever, the others continued on with their con man guide. Days later, exhausted, half frozen, and out of food, they found refuge in a deserted cabin. Most of them were now ready to give up and go back to Salt Lake City.
The exception was Alferd Packer. He was broke, and returning to Salt Lake City would cost him his grubstake. When the others fell asleep, Packer shot four of them in the head. The fifth woke and tried to defend himself, but Packer cracked his skull with the barrel of his rifle. Then, he robbed them....He also used them for food.
Three most common U.S. cop cars: Ford Crown Victoria, Chevy Impala, and Dodge Charger.
When his strength returned, he packed enough “human jerky” to get back to the Los Pinos Agency. Several miles from the agency, he emptied his pack to conceal his crime. He was welcomed by General Adams, commander of the agency, but shocked everyone by asking for whiskey instead of food. When he flashed a huge bankroll, they started asking questions.
WELL, YOU SEE, OFFICER...
Packer’s explanations were vague and contradictory. First, he claimed he was attacked by natives, then he claimed that some of his party had gone mad and attacked him. On April 4, 1874, two of Chief Ouray’s braves found the human remains Packer had discarded. General Adams locked him up and dispatched a lawman named Lauter to the cabin to investigate. But while Lauter was away, Packer managed to escape.
He made his way back to Utah and lived quietly for 10 years as “John Schwartze,” until a member of the original party recognized him. Packer was arrested on March 12, 1884 and returned to Lake City, Colorado, for trial.
Packer claimed innocence but as the evidence against him mounted, he finally confessed. Apparently, he reveled in the attention his trial gave him and even lectured on the merits of human flesh. The best “human jerky,” he said, was the meat on the chest ribs. The judge was not impressed.
“Alferd G. Packer, you no good sonofabitch, there wasn’t but seven Democrats in Hinsdale County, and you done et five of ’um,” he thundered. “You’re gonna hang by the neck until dead!”
SAVED BY A TECHNICALITY
His lawyer appealed the decision, citing a legal loophole. The crime was committed in 1873, in the territory of Colorado. The trial began in 1884, in the new state of Colorado. The state constitution, adopted in 1876, did not address such a heinous crime, so the charge was reduced to manslaughter and Packer was sentenced to 40 years in prison. He was a model prisoner and was paroled after 16 years. Freed in 1901, he found work as a wrangler on a ranch near Denver.
On April 21, 1907, Alferd G. Packer, horse wrangler and cannibal, died quietly in his sleep.
Murders claimed more American lives during the 20th century than wars did.
THE BLACK PANTIES
BANDIT STRIKES AGAIN
When it comes to disguises, crooks can be very creative. We once read about a guy who smeared his face with Vaseline before he robbed a bank, figuring the security cameras couldn’t photograph him through the hazy goop (they could; he was arrested). Yes, there are some odd and outlandish thieves out there. Like the ones dressed up...
...AS UTILITY WORKERS: In 2005 the Associated Press reported that in Baltimore a group of thieves disguised as city utility workers had stolen more than 120 street light poles. They said the thieves put up orange traffic cones around their “work area” while they dismantled and made away with the 30-foot-tall, 250-pound aluminum poles. (Why would anyone steal a light pole? Police theorize that they were stealing them to sell as scrap metal.)
...AS PRIESTS
: Police in Serbia said three men disguised as Orthodox Christian priests, complete with fake beards and ankle-length cossacks, entered a bank in Serbia, gave the traditional “Christ is born” greeting, then pulled shotguns out of their robes. Within minutes they had made off with more than $300,000.
...AS A CHIMPANZEE: A man walked into an EZ Mart in Garland, Texas, with a gun in his hand and a chimpanzee mask over his face. He fired one shot, took the money from the register, and fled. TV news programs in the area tried to help police by airing the surveillance video of the robbery, which clearly shows... a man in a chimpanzee mask robbing the store.
...AS SUPERHEROES: A group of young “activists” in Hamburg, Germany, showed up at a high-priced food store in April 2006. They were dressed as comic book superheroes, and they made off with several cartloads of expensive food. Police said similar robberies had taken place at other high-end supermarkets over the years, and believed they were intended as protests against inequitable income distribution. Police also reported that the superhero robbers gave the cashier a bouquet of flowers and posed for a photograph before fleeing. Although 14 police cars and a helicopter were involved in the search, the bandits got away.
Originally, the Italian word mafioso had no criminal ties. It simply meant “suspicious of authority.”
...AS COPS: At 1:30 a.m. on the night of March 18, 1990, two men disguised as cops knocked on the door of the prestigious Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston. The security guards on duty let them in and were immediately overpowered by the thieves. The not-cops made off with several paintings—a Vermeer, a Manet, and three Rembrandts, among other masterpieces—worth about $300 million. It still ranks as the largest art theft in U.S. history and has never been solved.
...AS A PAIR OF UNDERWEAR: Police in Calgary, Alberta, announced in June 2004 that they had finally caught the “Black Panties Bandit,” who had robbed at least five convenience stores while wearing a black pair of women’s underwear over his face as a disguise.
MORE MASKED ADVENTURERS
• In February 2006, a man in a tiger suit climbed to the top of the St. Augustine Lighthouse in Florida. Frank Feldmann, 35, an author of children’s books, was protesting against child pornography on the Internet. But police couldn’t understand him—the tiger suit muffled his voice. He eventually came down and was arrested.
• In December 2004, Lionel Arias, 47, of San Jose, Costa Rica, was “playing a practical joke” by wearing an Osama bin Laden mask, carrying a pellet rifle in his hand, and jumping out and scaring drivers on a narrow street near his home. He was shot twice in the stomach by a startled taxi driver. Arias recovered from his wounds; the taxi driver was not charged.
* * *
MYTH-CONCEPTION
Myth: If you think someone is an undercover cop, ask them. If they are, they have to tell you.
Truth: It’s a common scene in movies: The criminal asks a suspicious character if he’s a cop and avoids entrapment. No such law exists. Undercover cops are allowed to lie to protect themselves.
English lesson: In the United States, it’s “burglarize.” In the U.K., it’s “burgle.”
FILM NOIR
Here’s our tribute to some classic (and
not so classic) Hollywood movies.
Burt Lancaster: “Why did you bolt your cabin door last night?”
Eva Bartok: “If you knew it was bolted, you must have tried it. If you tried it, you know why it was bolted.”
—The Crimson Pirate (1952)
“My first wife was the second cook at a third-rate joint on Fourth Street.”
—Eddie Marr,
The Glass Key (1942)
“When I have nothing to do at night and can’t think, I always iron my money.”
—Robert Mitchum,
His Kind of Woman (1951)
Guy Pearce: “All I ever wanted was to measure up to my father.”
Russell Crowe: “Now’s your chance. He died in the line of duty, didn’t he?”
—L.A. Confidential (1997)
“I used to live in a sewer. Now I live in a swamp. I’ve come up in the world.”
—Linda Darnell,
No Way Out (1950)
“He was so crooked he could eat soup with a corkscrew.”
—Annette Bening,
The Grifters (1990)
“It looks like I’ll spend the rest of my life dead.”
—Humphrey Bogart,
The Petrified Forest (1936)
Rhonda Fleming: “You drinkin’ that stuff so early?”
Bill Conrad: “Listen, doll girl, when you drink as much as I do, you gotta start early.”
—Cry Danger (1951)
“You’re like a leaf that the wind blows from one gutter to another.”
—Robert Mitchum,
Out of the Past (1947)
“I’ve got an honest man’s conscience...in a murderer’s body.”
—DeForest Kelley,
Fear in the Night (1947)
“I’d hate to take a bite out of you. You’re a cookie full of arsenic.”
—Burt Lancaster,
Sweet Smell of Success (1957)
Fewer than 10% of criminals commit about 67% of all crimes.
TWO-TIMING
We recently read a newspaper story about an identical twin who switched places with his brother so that the brother could escape from prison. That got us wondering—how often does this happen? Answer: More often than you might think.
TWINS: Bernic Lee and Breon Alston-Currie, 19, of Durham, North Carolina
BACKGROUND: In May 2002, both brothers were being held at the Durham County jail. Bernic Lee was awaiting trial for murder, and Breon was being held on an unrelated robbery charge.
TWO-TIMING: On the day that Breon was scheduled for release, the jail’s computer crashed. The guards, working from a handwritten list of inmates to be released, went to Bernic Lee’s cell and asked him if he was Breon. Bernic Lee said yes. His face matched the photo on the release form (they’re twins, remember) and he gave the right home address, but he didn’t know Breon’s Social Security number. No problem. It’s not uncommon for inmates to not know their own Social Security numbers, so the jailers released him anyway.
OUTCOME: Bernic Lee spent about seven hours on the outside, then turned himself back in. He later pled guilty to second-degree murder and was sentenced to 9 to 12 years in prison. County officials never figured out whether Breon played any part in the snafu. “I have no information to believe that,” says the jail’s director, Lt. Col. George Naylor. “I have no information not to believe it, either.”
TWINS: Carey and David Moore, 27
BACKGROUND: Both brothers were serving time in the Nebraska State Penitentiary in October 1984.
OUTCOME: One afternoon they met up in a conference room in the prison and switched clothes when nobody was looking. Afterward Carey, posing as David, was released into the prison yard. David, posing as Carey, was escorted back to Carey’s cell. The ruse was exposed when Carey reported for David’s kitchen duty. The kitchen supervisor realized that “David” wasn’t really David and reported the incident to the guards.
Gaston Glock, who invented the Glock 17 handgun in 1982, wasn’t a gun expert—he was an expert in synthetic polymers.
WHAT HAPPENED: When confronted, the twins admitted the switch. It’s doubtful that it was anything more than a prank, though, and even less likely that the brothers would have kept it up much longer—David was serving 4 to 6 years for burglary; Carey was awaiting execution on death row.
TWINS: Two 18-year-old twins living in Sweden in December 2004 (Their names were not released to the public.)
BACKGROUND: One of the brothers was serving a 10-month sentence in the Kronoberg jail for assault and robbery. Then one day the other brother came to visit. The two were indistinguishable, except for a birthmark on the incarcerated twin’s body.
TWO-TIMING: The brothers were allowed a 45-minute, unsupervised visit. Guess what happene
d! They switched clothes and the one without a birthmark used an ink pen to make a fake one. When the visit ended, the brother who was serving time walked out of the jail and disappeared.
OUTCOME: For all we know, the innocent twin might have served the entire 10-month sentence for his brother, were it not for one thing: that night, he panicked at the thought of having to spend a night in jail, called for a guard, and confessed the deception. As of late December, the guilty brother was still loose, and the “innocent” one, temporarily out on bail, was facing the prospect of doing some time of his own. “He thinks he’s going to walk,” Warden Lars Aake Pettersson told reporters. “But that’s probably not going to happen.”
TWINS: Tony and Terry Litton, 19, of Cardiff, Wales
BACKGROUND: Tony was about a year into a two-year sentence for burglary when Terry came to visit him at the Cardiff prison in March 1990.
TWO-TIMING: Somehow, the brothers managed to strip down to their underwear and switch clothes in the middle of a bustling visitors room without attracting the notice of the guards. When the visit was up, Terry went back to Tony’s cell and Tony walked out of the prison with the rest of the visitors.
A word of advice to identical twins: if you and your sibling plan to trade places, don’t have your names tattooed to the backs of your necks. Tony and Terry did; when an inmate noticed that Tony’s now read “Terry,” he alerted a guard. The twins’ dad, Ken Litton, couldn’t figure out why they pulled the stunt, especially since Tony was about to come up for parole anyway. “This time they’ve gone too far,” he told reporters. “The police won’t see the funny side of it.”
OUTCOME: Tony was caught three days later and returned to jail to serve out his full sentence (no parole this time), plus extra time for the escape. Terry served some time of his own for helping him. (No word on whether they were allowed to visit each other in prison.)
Uncle John’s True Crime Page 2
