“And Professor Horowitz? We can’t keep him here. I’m pretty sure that would be considered kidnapping. We have one day to fix him or we have to return him as-is.”
“Don’t sweat it, Kelly. I’ll fix him and take him back. I’ll also try to get ahold of Marie Laveau and see if she’s ever come across the thing that attacked Barney.”
“Thanks, Ezzy. I’m exhausted, I have to be up early to call a cab to get to work tomorrow morning. It’s too bad we still don’t know who or what is behind the magic problem. Maybe Marie will have some new information.”
My gaze drifted to Gabe 2.0. It was incredible. He was an exact replica of my Gabe, right down to the perfect little details that made him so wonderful. He made me miss Gabe even more, so in a way I resented the clone’s presence. Yet I was conflicted by my attraction to him. Something in my head wanted to pretend it was him. I had to get out of the room. “Anyway, make yourselves at home, and go to bed whenever. Put the professor in the spare bedroom down here, and Gabe 2.0 can just sleep on the couch. Barney, you can take the bathtub and Ezzy, you can share my room. See you all sometime tomorrow.”
I crawled into bed, a bit relieved by the fact that Ezzy would be working on our most pressing issue, Professor Horowitz.
Chapter Eighteen
2.0 Tempting
Considering my weird assortment of houseguests, I didn’t know what I’d wake up to. Remarkably, the morning was uneventful. I took a cab to school, had a full day, and took a cab to pick up my car.
When I got home, things had changed.
Approaching the front door, I heard Ezzy’s voice. “Hold still!”
Someone screamed just as I opened the door. “What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Barney was using your Chihuahuas as sled dogs again and knocked over the figurine from the museum.”
“Did it break?”
“Worse. It fell in front of Professor Fuzzball, And guess what? He is scared to death of it. Here, watch this.” Ezzy, concealing the statue behind her back, quietly snuck up on the professor.
Without warning, she extended her arm and revealed the surprise. “Behold the awesome magic of Hecate!”
The old man shrieked, turned around and retreated down the hallway as fast as his shuffling little feet could carry him.
“See what I mean, Kelly? I’m not the only one who’s aware of its power.”
“I would’ve been scared too, by the way you stuck it in his face and yelled ‘behold, the awesome power of Hecate.’ Please try to take it easy on the old guy. He’s in a delicate mental state. By the way, have you tried to fix him?”
Barney hopped up onto the back of the couch. “It’s no use, Kelly. You witches need to get your powers back in working condition first. I say we drive to the hospital and just leave him by the doors. Someone will take care of him.”
“Barney! That’s cold blooded and inhumane!”
“Well, he is a talking frog, hence an amphibian, which by definition is coldblooded and inhuman,” Ezzy pointed out.
“Very funny. Still, we can’t just abandon him. We got him into this mess and now we’re responsible for him.”
“Hmm…” Ezzy’s blank stare told me she was deep in thought. “We got him into this mess. Or did we?” Turning the figurine in her hand, she said, “You’re right, he has to stay with us for a little while longer.”
“Good. I couldn’t live with the guilt of dumping him on the street. I guess the museum can miss him for a few more days.”
Barney hopped into Ezzy’s arms. “I put the afternoon tea on, Ezzy. Hey, tell Kelly what else happened today. About the telephone.”
“Oh yes, I nearly forgot. It was quite an experience. I’ve never so much as touched a telephone before. I found the technology to be quite archaic, compared to magic.”
“Okay, so… who called?”
“Your cousin, the one getting married this weekend. She actually thought I was you. Can you believe it? See what I mean about archaic technology? Anyway, one of her bridesmaids was arrested last night so she needs you to stand in for her. Of course, I happily accepted the offer on your behalf.”
“Ezzy! You know I was trying to find a way to get out of that wedding. Now there’s no way out. Maybe I’ll just have to make an excuse for Gabe so I don’t have to bring 2.0.”
“Uh, you may not be able to. Your grandmother told everyone you were bringing Gabe. Now Gabe has a job too, as an usher. Your cousin didn’t want him to feel left out.”
“No. An usher? This is not happening. Besides, how can I get a bridesmaid’s dress ready with four days’ notice?”
“This is happening, I’m afraid. Someone will drop off the dress tomorrow. I’ve already talked to Gertie and she will be able to alter the dress on Friday. Randy will bring her and Brad along when he comes up. You have to admit, she has skills when it comes to a needle and thread.”
“Okay, new rule. No one answers the phone but me. Got it?”
“Got it. Now, how about that tea?” Ezzy asked as Barney carried in a tea service for three.
“I’ll take mine to go, thank you,” I answered, taking a cup.
I stripped down and walked into the bathroom, looking forward to a nice anxiety-relieving bath. There was Gabe 2.0, fresh out of the shower and naked as a jaybird, toweling himself off.
“Yikes!” I reversed course and sat on my bed, holding a sheet around me. “Gabe 2.0, why were you showering up here?”
“Mistress Esmeralda told me to shower up here,” he said, walking into the bedroom.
“Could you at least wrap a towel around your waist?” I asked, glancing sideways at his swaying equipment. “Damn, he is Gabe in every respect,” I mumbled. “Ugh! My life!” I sipped my tea, hoping it would help me relax. Esmeralda, the consummate caffeine connoisseur, always served excellent tea.
“Mistress Esmeralda infused me with the skills of an expert masseuse. I’m here to offer my services.”
It was a moment of weakness. A good massage sounded great, but I questioned my own motives when I agreed. “Just a massage. No hanky-panky—nothing sexy, understood?” I gulped down my tea, staring at him as he slowly closed the distance between us.
Gabe 2.0 took my hand and gently guided me to lie face down on the bed. I kept the bed sheet over me, while he dimmed the lights and lit some candles.
“Hey, Romeo. Just a massage, remember?” A relaxing fogginess filled my mind. You’d think by now I’d know better. When a witch brews tea, you can count on it having something extra. The calming effect was familiar enough. I realized I had just drunk Ezzy’s stress reliever brew.
“Yes, Madame Kelly.”
“Ezzy’s tea sure explains her wacky ideas. I’m feeling very fuzzy.” My words faded away as Gabe 2.0’s strong, warm hands swept away the sheet and kneaded my shoulders. It was like he knew where to massage just the right muscles on my back perfectly, just like Gabe. He swept my hair aside and worked his fingers up my neck and my scalp.
“Oh my God, that feels good, Gabe. I mean Gabe 2.0.”
It was like logic and my conscience had decided to hop on the next train out of town. They were at the station and ready to board. Other, less scrupulous voices in my head talked things over.
“Gabe 2.0 is Gabe after all. So it’s false to say we’re cheating on Gabe,” said Pleasure.
“Exactly. A clone is more like a living, breathing sex-toy replica of the real thing. It wouldn’t even count as sex, technically speaking. If we were to have sex, of course,” replied Lust.
I realized I’d been audibly moaning with every movement of Gabe 2.0’s hands. Maybe my new voices were right. Maybe Ezzy was right. I opened my eyes and was greeted by Gabe 2.0’s tight, bronzed lower abs. He was right next to the bed, and I was completely stoned.
Flutter kicking like a beached porpoise, I worked the sheet free from the rest of my body. Gabe 2.0 might have been born yesterday, but he was no dummy. His hands moved to my lower back, all the way to my thighs. Then his growing er
ection actually made his towel fall away. I couldn’t speak, but I’m pretty sure I made some primal groan of desire.
“Ree-oww!” Something black and furry leapt from under the bed. Screeching and hissing, it attacked Gabe 2.0’s engorged member like a mongoose on a cobra.
“Gemma?” I managed to utter.
Gabe 2.0 bolted out of the room, Gemma chasing after him. She returned to my bed, sitting upright and giving me a stern look.
“Thank you. Not that I’m ashamed or anything. I’m too buzzed for that. Trust me, I have a panel of experts debating the matter in my head and I was assured of my innocence.”
“Meow.”
“Meow to you, too,” I mumbled. After that I was sound asleep.
At some point deep in the night, I woke up screaming. Two cold feet had just landed on my bare legs. “Now I know what Gabe complains about. What did you do, soak your feet in ice water?”
Ezzy removed her ice-block feet from my skin. “It’s not my fault your floors are so cold. And why would you want to keep all your extra heat to yourself?”
“It’s just not a pleasant way to wake up. Scoot closer, but don’t freeze me.”
Ezzy, moving closer, surprised me with a rare apology. “Kelly, I’m so… I’m sor… I regret cloning Gabe. And I regret trying to get 2.0 to bone you. I didn’t realize how much the real Gabe means to you. Maybe because I’m not familiar with such an emotional bond. Remember the things we used to do? Remember Luke? I figured you were the same as me when it comes to relationships.”
“But that was different. That was something totally different. It was… playing around. I’m in love with Gabe and it’s not the same. But I accept your so-sor-regret,” I replied with a laugh. “But if you ever, and I mean ever, even so much as hint to Gabe about the crazy stuff we did in the past, I’ll sic my cat on you. Not that I regret anything, I just don’t want to start an issue. Men can be funny like that. But if by some strange, bizarre turn of events, Gabe and I decide on a change of pace, you’re at the top of the list.”
“No problem. My lips are sealed. Besides, I saw what your cat did to Gabe 2.0’s tally-whacker this evening. The poor thing looked like it went skinny dipping with piranhas.” Ezzy scooted closer. “Now give me some heat, damn it.”
“I just want my Gabe back,” I said, nearly asleep. Wet, sloppy snoring sounds filled the room. “Ezzy? Wake up!” I didn’t know it was possible for anyone to snore like that.
“I am awake. It’s Barney,” she replied, moving around in the dark.
“Barney?” I yelled. “You brought a frog to bed? What the hell?”
The snoring stopped as quickly as it started. “He only does that if he sleeps on his back.”
“Oh, of course.” I was in the upset smart-ass mode. “Every frog I’ve shared my bed with is the same way.” I think I actually growled.
“He’s not in your bed. He hates to be alone at night, so I put him in a tub of water next to the bed.”
“Congrats, Ezzy. You’re finally falling in love… with a goddamn frog.” The funny thing was that Ezzy never offered a smart-ass comeback, no bitter sarcasm, no venomous ridicule, nothing. Her silence said more than any soul-baring confession. “What’s the matter Ezzy? Frog got your tongue?”
“Just thinking. You know, I just don’t get you young witches. You, Leigh, Gertie—you’re all getting hung up on some happily-ever-after romance with the one man you think is the man of your dreams. There is one key thing about being a witch you haven’t realized yet.”
“I’m sure you’ll be happy to tell me.”
“Okay. Take Gabe for example. Why do you think he is unusually attracted to you?”
“Hey now, I didn’t throw a love potion on him, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
“Not exactly, but men like him are attracted to you because of your magic. When I say ‘men like him’ I don’t just mean shifters or other magical beings, although they are. I also mean men who are filled with passion and adventure. Perhaps they are magical in their own way. In any case, when they come across a witch, they can sense that something is very special. There’s a mysterious allure to us. It’s an aura they are drawn to. Personally, I find it very powerful. It’s like being a magnet, drawing in the hottest of men—or women.”
“Damn. And all along I thought it was this sweet booty of mine,” I said, patting my butt with a laugh.
“All I’m trying to say is, by settling with one man you are missing out on so many passionate partners. For me, I like to think of romance as if I have a free pass through the world’s greatest wine cellars. I can sample as many of the most expensive champagnes as I want, or drink down entire bottles of the most exquisite vintage wines.”
“Hmm. Champagne makes me dizzy and I really don’t like wine.” A realization popped into my head. “It seems to me that maybe you like your lovers to be distant unfamiliar visitors. You said they find you mysterious. Have you ever thought that maybe you’ve simply been guarding your heart? You prefer they don’t know too much about you and you move on as soon as you’ve satisfied the urge du jour. Please don’t take it the wrong way. I’m not judging you. But now I see how you and Barney are together. You’ve formed this friendship with him, a platonic friendship that’s allowed you to drop your guard and unveil your heart. There’s just one problem: I can tell that your fondness for each other has eclipsed the platonic stage. Is that why you haven’t given Barney the human body you promised? Because as long as you don’t consummate this long-running affair you think you won’t get hurt? Well, let me tell you something. Eventually Barney’s unrequited love for you will be too much. He’ll leave again. Then your heart will be truly and utterly broken.”
I could practically hear crickets. Five minutes silently ticked by before Ezzy responded. “Damn you. You’re just too smart. Do you realize how many more years of wine tasting you’ve ruined for me? How did you know all that?”
I blew her a kiss. “You’re welcome. Must be that magical, mysterious aura and all. Seriously though, someday you need to tell me how your heart was broken. It must have been bad to have lasted this long, but you need to throw that baggage out, Ezzy. Good night.”
Chapter Nineteen
Land of the Lost
The next few days went by quietly. I was too busy with my students to worry about the wedding. To get through the week without having a stroke, I seized on a philosophy often used by the hopelessly condemned and by kindergarteners, the good, old reliable ignis fatuus of make-believe. I simply refused to even believe the wedding was going to happen, much less that I’d be introducing an unpredictable clone of my boyfriend to my entire, giant, nosy family.
Like a wrecking ball, reality eventually rips through the most carefully constructed walls of denial. In my case, the wrecking ball was about to come crashing in, and it was named Randy.
Arriving home from work Thursday afternoon, I was greeted by a champagne-colored dress tossed at me. “It was delivered today. I don’t know why anyone would want such a horrid color. Might as well be a paper grocery bag,” Ezzy deadpanned.
“If Gertie can’t make the alterations in time, it doesn’t matter. Besides, I’m thinking of telling everyone I’m sick… with the plague. By the way, what’s the status on our other problems?”
“I asked Marie for her opinion of Barney’s mysterious attacker. We agree, it must have been a protective spirit guarding the king’s statue. Nothing to worry about now. Barney’s been getting Gabe 2.0 up to date on his social skills by exposing him to nonstop television. Oh, and all magic will be going on total lockdown soon unless things get straightened out.”
“Great,” I growled. “What about the professor?”
Ezzy dismissed my concern with a wave of her hand. “All fixed. We called a taxi and sent him back to the college this morning.”
“You what?”
“Sent him home, of course. Wasn’t that the plan?”
“Yeah, but… was he okay? And did you ask him about
the evil spirit, or Barney, or the money?”
“Nah.” Ezzy dismissed my worries again.
Barney hopped into the room. “Ezzy, baby, you promised,” he said, tossing a bottle of lotion in her direction.
“His skin does get very dry. It’s very uncomfortable, I’m sure,” she huffed, dropping eye contact. She sat down on the floor, allowing Barney to lay face down on her lap.
“Ah, that’s the spot,” Barney moaned while Ezzy rubbed the lotion into his slick green back. “You keep stroking me for another two minutes, baby, and I’ll want a cigarette.”
“Eww, freaks,” I complained. The ringing of my cell phone prevented a further sarcastic exchange with the perverted imp.
It was Randy, in distress. “Kelly! I need you to come get me—us.”
“Us? Who’s us? And where are you?”
“Gertie, Brad, and me. It’s complicated, but we’re stranded down in West Garfield Park. Gertie and I both tried our brooms, but they quit working after we crashed here.”
“Because you’re not supposed to be using them at all. Didn’t you know?”
“Yeah, but… anyway. Come get us. And please hurry.” Randy ended the call.
“Damn. I have to pick up Randy and his cohorts.”
“Let me guess, they tried to defy the no-fly order? They’re lucky they’re still on the same planet.”
“Almost as bad. They’re in a dangerous neighborhood,” I mumbled, heading for the door.
“Smerdy, smerdy! Smerdy smer!” Professor Horowitz rushed out of the kitchen, juggling a hot baked potato.
“Professor? I thought you sent him home, Ezzy.”
“Well… technically speaking, yes. I cloned him. His replica is back at the museum. So, in a way he is home. And here. Still.”
Barney sat up. “Yeah, you didn’t think we’d just send him back? We’re going to hypnotize him and get all his secrets. As soon as we learn how to do it. Meanwhile, he’s helping Gabe 2.0 make dinner.”
Shame of Clones: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy (Karma Inc. Files Book 3) Page 10
