by T. Rudacille
Brynna
James had already been slapped once that day but he was clearly coming back for seconds. Though it had been Violet who had struck him, I was very close to doing the same despite my adversity to such dramatic consequences of feeling. There was never a need to physically harm someone when one could simply cut them down with words. But when he grabbed my wrist in a painful hold and spun me around to face him, I had to stop myself from striking the other side of his face with all of my newly discovered strength.
“What do you want?!”
“I want you to stop this.” He snapped at me, pointing one finger rather rudely close to my face. “You are driving them crazy. What did they do to you? What did they do that makes you think it’s okay to be so cruel to them?”
“Is this a lecture? Am I supposed to apologize? Are you living in that fantasy world where Brynna makes everything right by falling on her knees and begging for forgiveness?”
Believe it or not, that fantasy world’s population was booming.
“No, I live in the real world, where Brynna is going to go back and apologize. Then, Brynna is going to get her damn head on straight. Did you save them so that you would have punching bags? Is that what you need? Is that how you deal with your shit? By hurting other people?”
I giggled softly and pulled my arm from his grip.
“You are seriously attempting to lecture me on how to run my family. The last I checked, we had only just met. Therefore, you have no say in any of these things that you are protesting. It is none of your business. Consequently, you should stay out of it. Thank you so much.”
I went to keep walking (my course of action in every uncomfortable situation), but he grabbed both of my arms now, turned me around to face him, and pushed me up against the wall. Though he used very little force, I still viewed his abrupt manhandling of me as a violent assault and promptly kicked him hard in the shins.
“Thank your lucky stars I did not aim higher,” I breathed in his ear as he doubled over in pain, “Though honestly, if your conduct just now is compensation for an area of your physique that is physically lacking, which I suspect that it is, there is not much to aim for.”
I started to push my way out from in front of him, but he fought through the discomfort and held me against the wall even more firmly.
“What is it?” He asked me through clenched teeth, “What is wrong with you that you feel you need to act like this?”
“Let go of me!” I barked at him as I struggled to break out of his grasp.
“No. This is not going to keep happening. Up until this point, I have let you do what you want. But you are going to destroy them if you keep this up, and I know, in that disgusting, cold heart somewhere, you don’t want that. You wouldn’t have saved them just so you could destroy them.”
“This is none of your business, and if you don’t let go of me in ten seconds, I am going to start screaming that you are brutally attacking me. Do you really want people to think that this ship has its very own rapist?”
“God, you are infuriating!”
After shouting that in my face, though, he did let go of me.
“What is it that you want, Brynna? Why do you insist on acting like this? What are you so damn afraid of that you need to treat them like this? Cuz that’s what it is, right? Elijah has said so. You’ve said so. You’re afraid of something, but what is it? Oh, and please, let me know what I did to you that made you hate me so much, too. Is it that I got close to you?” He asked tauntingly, with his face close to mine again. I shook my head slightly in disgust and avoided his eyes. “Is it that while you were dying, I saw your vulnerable side? Is it because while we were in the hallway, you told me you needed me?”
“You shouldn’t even care. Every other male in this population of survivors would not care why I act the way I act. They wouldn’t even care if I acted that way towards them. You are a man, aren’t you? Act like one.”
I spat that at him with as much venom in my voice as I could muster. But he had debilitated me, even if only somewhat, by bringing up what had occurred between us. The revulsion I felt at being so vulnerable with somebody, especially a man, was crippling.
“I do care. I care because even though you make me want to rip my hair out, I care about you. How could I not, after what we went through together? And you can say now that you don’t feel the same way. You can say that you never did. But I know that’s a lie. I know it.”
“You’re wrong.”
I forced myself to laugh. I wanted to run. I wanted to escape that moment of awkward sharing. I couldn’t imagine where it was going to lead. I would never admit a thing to him now that I had slept. Through rest, my disgusting, cold heart, as he had called it, had ricocheted me painfully back to my disgusting, cold senses.
“I warned you to stay away from me. I just do not know why you are pushing your luck. Why don’t you just run? Really, it’s better for you. I will pretend that I care about you for a moment when I tell you that you need to stay as far away from me as you can. In reality, though, I am telling you that because you have begun to truly aggravate me, and I can no longer stand your presence.”
“Well, you’re stuck with me!” He shouted furiously, “I don’t care whether you like it or not! I saved your life because I…”
“Why?” I demanded after pushing him away from me. “Why did you want to save my life? You had to, right? You knew that you had to. Isn’t that what you said?”
“No. Do you really want to know? I was just going to go see you in that bar so I could make my peace with leaving you behind. I had settled on it. I had let them convince me that you didn’t deserve to be saved, and the guilt I had over letting you die was killing me, Brynna. So, I forced myself to go see you in person. I was ready to leave, ready to forget you ever existed but…”
“But what?!” I screamed, needing an answer so desperately for reasons I did not fully understand. How dare he make me question his intentions? How dare he tell me that I, too, was going to be left behind? What had changed his mind? I needed to know.
“I saw you across that room, and I couldn’t imagine never seeing you again. You…”
He stopped, not wanting to say it, because I had already insulted his masculinity several times, and because he thought it was so “cheesy” and dramatic, but it was the truth; it was truly how he felt, and he had to tell me now, because he had started to say it…
“It had never happened to me ever in my life,” He said quietly, with his eyes fixed on mine. “But I saw you across that room, and you took my breath away. And I couldn’t stand to leave you.”
I looked at him now as my heart dropped from my chest into open space and my defenses crumbled away as though succumbing to a witch’s spell. We stared at each other, both silent.
In a blur of movement that sent my heart leaping back up and forward to bang hard against the wall of my chest, we were flying together and wrapping our arms around one another. Then, we were kissing with the same passion and intensity of actors in an old romantic film. I could almost hear the outburst of old-time music, and I could almost see us in black and white. It is so very sentimental and childish to say those things, but that first kiss truly was magical, I am not sorry to say.
His strong hands moved up my back and came to rest on my face. My hands came to grip the front of his jacket, both of them clutching tightly the hard, rough leather. He smelled of Earth, of days in summer before the rain comes, or days in winter just before the snow. He smelled of moments so far back in time, but close enough to touch it seemed, in memory.
He smelled of home.
I was not the most experienced kisser in the world, having never allowed any member of the opposite sex close enough to practice. There had been many who had attempted to get that close, only to be shut out immediately by my strong opposition to ever engaging in a romantic relationship. But with James, I found kissing him to be easy, almost effortless, like dancing in mid-air after gravity had been effectively erased. More th
an that, it was non-threatening. In fact, I knew in that moment that I was safe, knowing it more resolutely than I had ever known anything before. While I was there with him, with his firm body pressing me to the wall, no one and nothing could hurt me, I knew, not even the ever-present, unstoppable forces of the universe.
When he pulled away from me, I was besieged immediately by an almost unbearably harsh return of my senses. Our burdens, of knowing we were alive while most others had died so senselessly, so mercilessly, enshrouded us in a smothering, almost tangible fog. The full weight of our indiscretion, too, came to rest heavily on him, mostly, but on me, as well.
“Shit…” He whispered, running a hand over his head.
Now, he was no longer looking at me. His shame was obvious, and I was stunned by how quickly it had overtaken him. How his senses had immediately told him that his quick dalliance with me was wrong, unnatural… He was twice my age. He should have known better. He was a predator, preying on a young, damaged girl, whom he knew had severe trust issues with her father. Wasn’t that what had made me receptive to his sudden advance? “Daddy issues.” They were always blamed when a younger woman was romantically linked with an older man.
“Brynna, I’m so sorry…”
He cleared his throat nervously, panicking, it seemed, as he tried to decide whether to just apologize profusely or try to reason away why it had happened.
“I shouldn’t have let that happen. I…”
Before he could get out another word, his back was against the opposite wall, and my hands were on his face, and my lips were kissing his. For a moment, he was clearly stunned, and then his hands ran down to the small of my back and pushed gently so that I was pressed even more tightly against him, and his lips were moving against mine in that frenetic and passionate yet almost synchronized way. My heart was thumping wildly, and I feared only briefly that such erratic beats were dangerous; his protective embrace allowed for no fear.
The sound of some small device, more than likely made of plastic or metal, clanging on the floor, made both of us start. Our heads snapped simultaneously in the direction from which the noise had come, and simultaneously, I’m sure, our hearts plunged downwards in dread.
In the heat of the moment (and believe me, it was a firestorm), we had not notice Violet walking down the hallway with her headphones plugged into her ears. We only took notice of her presence when the sight of us shocked her so substantially that she dropped her iPod onto the floor.
We pulled ourselves apart, our bodies begging to continue, but our minds knowing that we had some new, very uncomfortable explaining to do. For the sake of appearances, I did not even let him grasp my hand. I could not afford for Violet to see me in such a vulnerable state after years of teaching her that the exact behavior I was exhibiting with James was unacceptable. I had encouraged her to one day find love, of course. All little girls needed to believe in the existence of true love. But I had warned her to be cautious. Always remain one step ahead. Never allow complete weakness to overtake you whilst you are with them. They would use every weakness you deigned to show them against you.
Maura had taught me the very same.
Violet’s eyes and mouth were widened to their farthest reaches. It would have been a hilarious sight if James and I had not just been caught doing exactly what we had sworn we were not. We had promised Maura and Elijah both that there was nothing between us, and yet there we were, kissing in the hallway, knowing that there was only one place that such affection was going to lead.
“I’m telling Maura. And Elijah!” Violet spat at us after rising from her stunned stupor. She turned to walk away, but I hurried after her and grabbed her arm.
“We are not afraid of either of them.” I informed her curtly. “But what good will that do? What will telling them about him and I accomplish?”
“What good did telling me about that woman’s husband dying do? What good did telling me about Mom and Dad do? Oh, right... Nothing!”
“So, this is an act of revenge...” I laughed half-hysterically, “Alright. If you feel the need for it, who am I to stop you? Despite what some would have us believe, vengeance is a very honorable and exciting path. Please, tell Maura and Elijah, especially if it will make you feel like you have won something over me. But know this: There is nothing they can do to stop me.”
“Why are you even doing this?” Violet screamed at me in loud, unabashed fury. Her temper had really gotten worse since boarding the ship. Perhaps it was a side effect of intergalactic travel. I would have to ask around for more information, to see if there were any other cases of ridiculously out-of-proportion outbursts since the take-off.
“Doing what, might I ask?” I replied.
“Are you with him?”
“Ask yourself if that is truly any of your business.”
“It is my business! You’re my sister! I don’t think you should be in a relationship with a fifty year old guy! It’s just…” She threw her hands up in a gesture that brought images of Maura to my mind. How very similar they were...
“Stop stammering and gesticulating in frustration. Say what you need to say.”
“It’s wrong, Brynna! Why would you want to be with a fifty-year-old guy?! I mean, come on! You're not ugly! And God freaking knows you’re not stupid! You don’t need money! You can get a guy your own age!”
“I’m not fifty.” James called to her over his shoulder from across the room.
“First of all, there is no relationship to speak of, so calm yourself. Secondly, I am well aware that my physical attractiveness is on par with most other women.”
“Way above par.” James called to us nonchalantly.
I had to suppress a chuckle and a gleam of pride.
“Third, I have no interest in boys who are of my physical age. I do not find them attractive externally or internally. In regards to all of the aforementioned points, you will be pleased to learn, also, that for once, I do not know something in certainty. I do not know what he and I are.”
I could sense that my gentleness, though it was minute, was surprising her. I was far more civil than I had been in days.
“But he has been good to us. He saved my life. As a result, I was able to save yours. You know that I do not trust many people, but I trust him.”
“Do you love him?” She asked in a voice saturated with condescending sarcasm. “Never mind! You don’t love anybody!”
“Don’t be silly. I feel strong affection for people. But with him, it is too early to tell. I must stress again that I do not know what we are. Tomorrow, I will probably be shunning him again. For right now, though, I need you to keep quiet about this.”
“Why should I? What have you done for me?”
I stared at her, crossed my arms, raised my eyebrow, and pursed my lips. I watched her expression dissolve, and she nodded, realizing that a better question to ask was what hadn’t I done for her?
“I don’t approve of it, and neither will they.” Violet informed me, and I heard a resolution in her voice that gave me little room to doubt that she was serious.
“Luckily for us, we do not care what you think.” I smiled at her and walked back to James.
“Well, is it over again?” He asked me. I shook my head and grasped his arm. “Not until tomorrow, right?”
I looked up at him and rested my chin on his shoulder now.
“Do not start being callous.” I stood on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “You have to be patient with me. Okay?”
He sighed heavily and raised his eyes to meet mine. Then he leaned forward to kiss me again quickly.
“I know. And I will be.”
