by T. Rudacille
***
Elijah knew about James and me. When two women were asked by Don to lead us to our rooms, I was not careful or quiet when I disclosed to them that James and I would be sharing. Elijah narrowed his eyes at me, and I shrugged.
“What do you want me to say?” I asked him softly.
“Can you come with me, please?” He grabbed my arm and pulled me away from our group before I had a chance to tell him that I could not.
“Are you serious right now?” He was clearly trying to keep a hold on his anger and disapproval, though I could not imagine why. I was more than capable of dealing with both.
“This does not have to turn into anything drawn out. Perhaps I was wrong in keeping mine and James’s relationship status a secret. I should have been open with you from the start. I do apologize.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“You just asked me if I was serious, and now you are asking…”
“Don’t even pull that right now!” He exploded suddenly and pointed at me in rage. “You and him? Brynna, are you out of your mind?!”
“No, Eli, I am not.” I replied calmly, “I am twenty-two years old and fully capable of deciding with whom I want to be involved in a relationship. I have decided on James.”
“He’s like…” Elijah threw his hands up as he tried to settle on exactly which exaggerated number he was going to use to define James's age. I stopped him before he could speak it.
“He is forty-five. I am not going to spend even a moment justifying our relationship to you. I certainly do not have to do that, therefore I will not. I don’t care whether you approve or disapprove. We have been together officially for several weeks, but I know that you had to have noticed how we were even before then. There was always an attraction.”
“I did notice it. I noticed that he was attracted to you, and it disgusted me. That’s why I called him on it the first night I met him.” He told me as he shook with fury. “He’s preying on you! You’re young enough to be his kid!”
“He has done nothing predatory throughout the entire duration of time that I have known him. He is a good man. He has one eye out for me constantly. He would do anything to make sure that I am safe.”
“Is that what this about? Feeling safe?” His tone softened only slightly.
“No. It is about the fact that when I look at James, I see a brave, humorous, painfully good-looking man who cares deeply about you, Violet, Penny, and me. That is why I am with him. Because I…” I stopped, knowing that admitting to Elijah the true level my feelings for James had reached would only make him angrier.
“I’m not going to approve of it, Brynna. I will never approve of it!”
“What, are you our father now?” My anger rose instantly at his assumption that I needed or even wanted his approval.
“No, I’m not. Thank God! But I am technically the man of the family now, and I don’t approve of him!”
“You had no problems with him only a moment ago.”
“That was before I found out that he dates girls half his age! That he preys on girls too stupid to realize they’re being played! What if I started dating someone who was half my age?! What if I started dating a twelve-year-old, Brynna?!”
“First of all, that is an utterly ridiculous comparison. What you suggested would violate several old-world laws. This is not a matter of James dating me while I am too young to fully grasp what we are doing. I am an adult, Elijah! Secondly, it is folly to accuse me of stupidity. I mean, really! It is utterly nonsensical to assume that I would ever be enchanted into foolishness by a man!”
“Yeah? It happens to the best, doesn’t it? Look at Mom! Look at Maura!”
“And now you have offended me further by comparing me to them!” I exclaimed furiously, and my eyes turned red at the mere suggestion that I, for better or worse, was similar to Maura or our mother. “They are certainly not the best of any breed, human or otherwise! What occurs between James and I has nothing to do with you!”
“You know, I get it now.” He was grinning with a sadistic rage I had never seen in him. He was going to say something cruel, something unforgivable. I braced for it.
“Go ahead. If you want to have that look on your face, then you say it, Elijah.” I challenged him in a dangerous whisper.
“This is all about Lucien, isn't it? And Dad.”
To what he was referring exactly escaped me somehow. Lucien's death and my relationship with James possessed no commonality to one another, I believed.
“You're with him to punish yourself for letting our brother die, right?”
My stomach turned over. I almost heaved forward as the assault of memories overtook my consciousness. My anger spiked as his words lashed their way through my stream of thoughts. How long had he floated in the water before I emerged from my stupor? Had he screamed my name? Had he called to me so desperately for help? Had he thought that I was purposely ignoring him so that he would die?
That particular thought was the one to send me reeling into a space of temporary insanity.
I ran my fingers through my hair and closed my eyes for just one second as I tried to control the high-speed train of my consciousness. I wanted to scream again and stomp my feet until that terrible question faded away. There was not even a tiny part of my brain that could bear it. I could not imagine, even for a moment, that he had thought I was allowing him to drown for some selfish reason...
My sweating palms slid off of the table in the hallway that I had tried to grasp in order to steady myself.
None of those obvious signs indicating that what he had already said was enough stopped Elijah from continuing.
“You’ve got your Daddy issues, and he’s old enough to be your daddy. Christ, Brynna, you’re such a cliché!”
“Shut up, Elijah…” I warned him, because my hands were beginning to shake, and my vocal chords were being strummed roughly by my desire to start screaming the most vile, hateful things I could possibly think.
“He probably tells you all the things you want to hear about how Lucien died. He's old, so he's desperate to keep you. He'll say anything. Any normal, young guy wouldn't be able to look at you knowing that you killed your own...”
I would not have stopped myself if I could have. I slapped him so hard across the face that he slammed into the wall and left a dent in the plaster. He ran through a list of expletives that were meant to make me sorry but failed. I glared at him, wanting to hit him again and again until every last bone in his body was broken. Even in my cruelest moments towards Maura, my mother, or even my father, I had never said anything so agonizingly cruel. How could my brother, my protector, say such terrible things? I couldn’t fathom it.
Holding onto the anger while forcing away the hurt, I stormed away and opened the door to my room. There, I found the man who had caused the great conflict. Elijah followed after me, shouting still about my promiscuity and stupidity, though those are terms too nice to put in the place of what he actually said. He yelled about my ignorance and malicious self-interest that had resulted in our brother's death.
James was standing at the window, and he turned upon my entrance into the room.
He was outlined by the bright moon that had come up over the tree line. A shadow was cast over his face, eerily complimenting the anger I could see in his eyes. If his thoughts were any indication, and obviously they were, he had not heard the details of mine and Elijah’s fight. He knew that it involved him, but he had tuned out the arguing to give me privacy.
My eyes were ablaze with rage that I would not allow to dissolve into pain. I refused to cry, even in front of James. I would hold onto the anger because it was more honorable than admitting to being hurt. I needed something to distract me, some way to release the poisonously incensed energy coursing through my veins. My blood was on fire, burning through every part of my insides with no mercy. I would surely melt from the inside out.
When James looked into my eyes from across the room, he saw both the anger I
wore proudly on my sleeve and the hurt I was trying to suppress. He sensed my need to release both in a frenzied action. Animals can sense desire in other animals. It was no different for James and me; we were becoming more animalistic with each passing day.
“Come on, then.” He challenged me, and I attacked.
I ran forward, jumped into his arms, and wrapped my legs around him to hold on. We fell onto the mattress made of feathers, kissing frenetically, as though our very lives depended on that moment between us. James and I had been fighting the desire to sneak off into the woods to do exactly what we were doing in the present. Now, there was nothing to stop us, and fury to drive us forward.
Our hands were ripping at our clothes as the scorching anticipation reached its maximum level. I had never experienced such painful desire. There was but one cure for the hunger from which James and I were suffering. There was but one way to exorcise the fear, regret, and uncertainty that had been plaguing us since we had walked off the ship that very first day on Pangaea.
I did not gasp in shock or feel any fear at all that second time. I was safe there, encased in his strong, muscular arms. With the same rabid intensity of his kiss, James pulled my hips forward. My back arched as I grasped the soft animal fur beneath my body on the mattress. Because I knew that no one was near enough to hear, I moaned loudly as I reached up, wrapped my arms around him, and clawed his chiseled back.
I yelped in surprise when he pulled me to him, lifted me up off of the strange bed and pressed my back into the wall. Our profusely sweating bodies ground together, and he panted into my neck as he thrust harder and faster. There was nothing else in the world that mattered. There was only him and me. There was only that tortured longing between us that was being rectified in the most carnal way. There were no other feelings that mattered besides the feel of his tongue moving against mine and his full length filling me perfectly.
I broke free of his kiss so that I could bury my face in his neck.
Because I was vastly inexperienced with sex, I was unaware of what orgasms felt like when they were the result of sex with a man. The first time with James, I had been self-conscious, albeit very slightly, and extremely nervous, so I had not had one. But this time, as James thrust into me, I tightened my arms around him as I felt a quickly growing, warm heaviness building deep within me.
“James…” I gasped, “Oh, my God… James, I’m going to…”
I buried my face in his shoulder to try to stifle the volume of the moan that I could not suppress.
“Oh, my God… It’s… happening!”
Even in the “heat of the moment,” we’ll say, he still laughed.
“It’s okay. Just let it happen, baby.” He told me, and he kissed me quickly, “Are you okay? Do you want me to st…”
“No!” I exclaimed, before moaning out, “Oh my God, no…”
I thrust my hips forward and moaned even louder, and when it finally did happen, I tried but failed again to suppress the loud cry of absolute ecstasy. Every part of me felt warm and relaxed, even though my legs were shaking, and my arms were still locked around his neck. I was so drained by the intensity of what had just occurred between us that I couldn’t worry about how many others had heard, though I assumed it had to have been every resident living in the colossal house.
He held me as we both breathed heavily. Somehow, he managed to force his legs to walk back to the bed. I knew that after what we had just done, my legs simply would not cooperate with the command to walk. As a matter of fact, my brain might have forgotten what walking even was, however briefly.
James propped himself up on his elbow, only to become so entranced by me lying completely undressed before him that he had to lean in to kiss me from my neck, down my chest, and down my stomach. I felt that rush of warmth between my legs as his hands ran up my thighs slowly.
When his lips traveled back up to meet mine, I could not help but smile.
“Feeling better?” He asked me with a grin, “I know I am.”
“Yes, I was afraid your severe injuries would leave you feeling less than up for ‘we-are-safe-hooray’ sex.” I told him, deadpan.
“That’s what I thought this was. I’m glad we were on the same page, dear.” I was lying beneath him, looking up into his brown eyes that never failed to allure me. I giggled at his own deadpan response. He laughed softly, too, as he took my hand and pressed it to his lips.
“You were amazing.” He was completely serious now.
“So were you.”
“Yeah? I try.”
“You succeed.” I put on hand behind his head and raised my own, pulling him closer to me. His arm came around my back so I could rest my head against it as I kissed him. When we stopped, I could see in his alluring eyes that he was going to ask me what had been discussed between Elijah and me.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked, proving me right.
I shook my head.
“But I know that I should.”
“You should. We always knew he was going to disapprove. Let me guess; he said I was prowling on you, right?”
“How did you know?”
“That’s exactly what I would say if the situation were reversed.”
“Well, it is ridiculous! I am more than mature enough to handle a relationship with an old man such as yourself…” He chuckled at that, and I could not suppress my own smile after seeing him laugh. “It is ridiculous of him to assume otherwise. Not to mention, it is none of his business.”
“Well, he’s your brother, baby. He’s worried about you. He thinks that you’re allowing yourself to be blinded by love...” He trailed off but returned to the conversation quickly with his typical lighthearted sarcasm in tow, “Or like, or fondness, or whatever it is that we’re calling this these days.”
“Ha-ha, I know you are trying to jest about this in order to lighten the mood. I don’t care what Elijah thinks. I do not appreciate that he attributed our relationship to a trauma from my past. He had the nerve to suggest that I only find you tolerable simply because you lie and coddle me, and because I have ‘daddy issues.’”
“He said what?!
Oh, God or Gods…
“James…” I sat up slightly to put both hands on his face. “Honey, there is no use being angry about it. I am not even upset.”
He knew that I was lying, but he forced the newly born anger inside him to disperse quickly for my sake.
“I should kick his ass from here to next week.” James told me with a dark scowl.
“No!” I grasped his face even more firmly, “That will accomplish nothing, and despite my disbelief that he would say such a thing and despite my anger, he is still my brother.”
“You don’t deserve for people to treat you this way, Brynna.” James told me firmly, and his eyes rose to lock on mine again. “You do know that, don’t you?”
“Of course I do, James. That does not mean that I can stop them, though, now does it? He was angry. I know that now…” I stopped, not believing a word of what I was saying in regards to Elijah.
He sensed my lie and called me on it immediately.
“No, you don’t. You don’t have to defend my honor to him or anyone else. I don’t feel weird about us being together. I don’t feel any shame in telling people about it.”
“Neither do I!” I told him honestly, “I don’t know why people are getting all bent out of shape about it.”
“Because it’s something to talk about. In Elijah’s case, he thinks it’s right to object because by the old world standards, our relationship would be considered very weird. He also thinks that he’s protecting you from me. I'm sure that he really does believe that you're with me just so I'll coddle you, and because of your issues with your dad, as you said. But how he can blame you for what happened...” He stopped and clenched his jaw in anger. When he continued, his voice was quieter from his effort to suppress that fury.
“Several people blame me for that, James.”
“I don't
know how anyone can blame you for what happened to him after what happened to you!”
“Elijah and Violet know absolutely nothing of that, and I intend to keep it that way, James.”
“Why? So they can keep blaming you for something that never could have been your fault, even if that hadn't happened?”
“I will take their anger, resentment, and pain over their pity, James. You know that to be true. You know the full extent of what happened with my godfather?”
“I do. You told me.”
“I didn't tell you. You already knew.”
“Yes, but you've discussed it with me.”
“The reason why I discussed it with you is because I knew that you wouldn't pity me. I knew that if you and I were going to enter into a relationship that I needed to be honest with you. When I began to pull away, you deserved to know why. You needed to know that the reason why I am afraid of intimacy is because of him.”
He grasped my hand.
“I would never hurt you that way, Brynna. Not like he did. Whatever his name is…”
“Michael. His name was Michael. He was Maura’s husband. Because of that, and because he was my father’s best friend, we called him ‘Uncle Mike.’ He worked overseas for my father, and when he came home, he lavished all of us with gifts, me especially. At first, I was thrilled. What little girl does not want clothes from Paris, stuffed animals from Japan…” I trailed off, deciding against describing the worst part of it all.
James put one hand on my face. He kissed me tenderly.
“You don’t have to tell me anymore if you don’t want to. But I think this is good for you, sweetheart. Have you ever told anyone about it?”
“No. But everyone knew. There was a trial. It was a huge to-do, believe me. It was still getting press, even twelve years after it happened. The entire saga was used as a weapon against my mother. I might not have agreed with her politically, but suggesting that her absence in our home resulted in a disgusting pedophile being able to assault her daughter is an accusation that is untrue, at best. At worst, it is a completely disgraceful show of chauvinism, and you know how I just love that.” I rolled my eyes and scowled. “Plus, I did not appreciate being used as a weapon in the war of politics.”
“Who would appreciate that? But especially after something like that...” He shook his head, unsure of how to handle that particular topic. It was hard for people to imagine, I knew. Most people on Earth had been lucky in that they did not have to live from election to election as they grew up. They did not have to be slandered and used as a tool of manipulation in the great game of sympathy, anger, and fear, with the great victory of votes.
“Yes. It was quite unfortunate for everyone involved, not just me.”
“If there was a trial, then you must have told someone about it after it happened.”
“I told my mother, surprisingly enough. She confronted Michael. She was livid. She had me seen by a doctor who confirmed that what I had said occurred actually had. If you had seen me during that appointment, after what had happened to me...” I shook my head slightly as the screams and cries that had erupted from me that day echoed in perfect clarity through my mind.
“Your mom was there with you, though, wasn't she?”
“Yes. I will say that I am thankful for her presence in that case, at least. She managed to calm me down enough for them to gather whatever information it was that they needed to gather.”
“So, they were able to prove it, then?”
“I said that already, James Maxwell.” I scolded him only somewhat seriously.
“You did.” He realized, and his hands tightened around mine. “I'm sorry, baby.”
“It is alright. Michael lied his way out of it. I will not tell you how cruel he was to me after he found out that I had told.”
My voice was devoid of emotion as I retold the awful experience to him. It was the first time I had ever spoken outwardly about it with a third party. I could feel the heavy weight lifting from me as I spoke.
“What about Maura? What did she do?”
“She was always in the house when it happened. He started giving me a sedative to keep me quiet. Before I would succumb to the drug, though, I would scream for her. I would…” I stopped again, ashamed of what I was about to say.
“Go on. It’s okay.”
“I would beg her, James. I would plead with her to stop him. She would cry and cover her ears, screaming to me that she was so sorry.” I rolled my eyes and then paused for a long moment, trying to channel my anger. After looking away from him, I came back to my senses somewhat.
“I do not know why I am telling you this.”
“It doesn’t matter why. The point is that someone is hearing it.”
“I swore I would never speak of it again. I made my mother swear that we would pretend it never happened. She was apologetic for allowing Mike to convince her that I was just projecting his image onto the face of the true person who had done that to me. He also told her that I was a fanciful little girl who enjoyed making up dramatic stories like what I read in my books. His lies were outrageous, to say the least. I never would have believed them. I swore a lot of things to myself after that. I swore I would never allow a man near me again. I swore I would never be vulnerable like that again. What you and I are doing now goes against everything that I have ever believed.”
“And how do you feel about going against everything you’ve ever believed?”
I smiled slightly as I looked into his eyes again.
“Because it is you, I don’t mind. At least not anymore. If there is one thing I can say with absolute certainty and with no shame, it is that I trust you, James. You promised me a moment ago that you would never hurt me that way, and I believe you with no doubt in my mind. You do not have even a trace of that cruelty in your heart. I trust you.”
How he had managed to break through the defensive walls of everything I had ever sworn to myself, every protective measure that I had set into place, I will never fully understand. I give all the credit to fate; James and I were meant to be together for reasons that were unclear to us then.
“Good,” He kissed my hand, “I know that your trust is hard-earned. I appreciate that. I won’t ever make you sorry. I promise.”
I nodded.
“I have never told anybody this before. It is strange, to share it so openly. I do feel a great deal of shame, which is why what Elijah said was so incredibly hurtful. If I had feelings, they might have been hurt.”
“Oh, Lord…” James rolled his eyes, “That’s another Brynna-ism.”
I grinned.
“I can never outwardly admit being hurt. That’s why I never cry. It’s weakness. I don’t tolerate weakness in myself or in those that I helped raise. That’s why Violet gets the brunt of my insanity. You know, I look at Violet and Penny, and I cannot imagine turning them away if they came to me with that. If they told me that the worst had happened, I would believe them. I would not doubt for a second that they were being absolutely truthful. I would kill the man responsible as painfully as possible. I would feel no remorse for it. That is a horrible, immoral truth. It goes against everything we are taught when studying anything spiritual. But it is the only truth, James.”
“You don’t have to justify that to me. You don’t have to apologize for that. I understand because that’s how I feel about you. I’d kill anyone who threatened or hurt you. You don’t have to worry about being hurt like that again. It will never happen while I’m here. I know that you are more than capable of taking care of yourself. But I’ll always be right behind you, watching over you. I promised you that, didn’t I?”
I nodded, feeling tears well in my eyes. I reached up to swipe them away before they fell. We had covered a landmine-strewn emotional field together. I had discussed the horrid experience that defined my childhood with him when I had never been able to stomach the subject with anyone else. But I still would not cry in front of him. I would not cry in front of anyone. Quit
e simply, I would not cry at all, ever.
“Damn you, James Maxwell, you have made authentic tears come into my eyes.”
He smiled and kissed my hand again.
“But you don’t have to be upset about it because they didn’t fall, did they?”
“Nope. You will never see the day that happens. So don't hold your breath.”
“I won’t. I mean what I said, baby. You’re safe now. Your life comes before mine. I can’t…” He put both of his hands on my face, “I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know how my feelings for you grew this quickly. I’m not used to this. On Earth, I was in and out of different relationships from week to week. But you…” He tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear, “You’re different. It hasn’t been long since I’ve known you, but I think I felt this way from the very beginning, Brynna.”
I smiled, feeling more real tears in my eyes. He reached up and wiped them away.
“I feel quite the same way about you. And I know it was from the moment I met you. Well, after I realized that you were not trying to assault and kill me.”
“That took a while.” He told me, and we both laughed again. “I knew that you would warm up to me eventually.”
“I have more than warmed up to you. I feel great fondness for you.”
“Yeah, you’re not so bad yourself.”
“Oh, good.” I said with a smile.
“Do you want to go to sleep, or do you want to go look around?”
“I know that you want to look around so I will accompany you. But let’s make it quick.”
The house was very easy to become lost in, even with James’s above-average sense of direction. We found our way into the kitchen, where there was a group of people cleaning up. Apparently, they had just had dinner while we were still downstairs in the cells. The kind people there offered us some food that they were wrapping to put away in the basement. We declined, but I did ask for them to send a generous helping of everything upstairs to Penny, Violet, and Elijah. I even asked on behalf of the other three. They agreed, and we continued our exploration.
On the third floor where we had come from, there were enough rooms that few people had to share. Of course, the house's population included families that wanted to room together, so there was even extra space for anyone that came along looking for shelter.
“We made the right choice.” A man told us when we stopped to talk with him about his experience living there. “There are three meals a day, a roof over our heads, and we’re safe from the natives and the other people from the ship. What else can we ask for?”
Still, I was reluctant to believe that all was well. I was never going to let down my guard, no matter how comfortingly normal my surroundings were. The joyful, relieved testaments of the other residents were not enough to break my cautionary view of our current situation.
James agreed that we needed to keep an eye out for danger.
“I don’t trust anything that’s too good to be true.” He told me, “I think these people are afraid, and they’re willing to believe what they want to believe. It’s stupid to do that, as you well know.”
“Yes, I do.” I replied as I inhaled the smoke from the last cigarette in my pack. We were sitting on the back porch, staring out at the rain that had begun to fall. The smell was heavenly and should have convinced me that it was alright to believe that we were safe. But any sign from God or the Gods that everything was going to be okay was still met with distrust in me. I had three other people for whom I was responsible. I could not allow my desire to feel secure to override my cynicism.
“They’re going to believe every word out of that guy’s mouth. He holds a lot of power, and I don’t like it.” James told me darkly. I looked over at him to find that his brown eyes were illuminated by the touches of sunlight that were still able to break through the rain clouds. When I did not reply, he looked over at me.
“What? Why are you smiling?”
“No reason.” I said, but my smile grew, “You are a handsome devil.”
He chuckled softly and leaned over to kiss me.
“That was a random assertion, but I appreciate it very much. You're the female equivalent of that.”
“Oh, why thank you.” I grinned, but then returned to the topic at hand. “Anyway, he is so timid, and yet, I don't trust him. I don’t trust anyone who holds power over a whole group of people. I am surprised that so many people trust him after their experiences with my father.”
“Well, your father was a prime example of why it's unwise to trust those with too much power. He appointed himself our leader at the campsite, and I was not going to live under the thumb of Daniel Olivier. I preferred taking my chances out in the woods. I would take on one hundred natives single-handed before I lived under his rules.”
“Well, I don’t think that Don possesses the ability to enact the same cruel laws and regulations that my father put into place. He was starving people, did you know that? He wanted nature to take its course so that our population there would dwindle. That man we just spoke to was one of them. His daughter almost died. I could sense the fear of losing her still hanging about in his mind. It was fading away, but it was still present.”
“Your father is exactly the type of person that we don’t need here. He is the proverbial wolf amongst the proverbial flock of sheep.”
“It does not help that most of the sheep are so desperate for a strong leader that they will follow anyone. That is why we need to exercise caution while we are here. Don could turn into the same beast that my father has always been. It is too much power for one person.”
“I agree, baby. You know I agree with that.” He looked at me, wanting to ask a question that he knew I would be reluctant to answer.
“Go on, darling.” I rolled my eyes to the overcast sky above our heads.
“What happened to you after I left the campsite?”
I flicked the ember off of my cigarette and exhaled the last precious puff of smoke. I watched it billow away, wanting to do nothing more than dodge that particular conversation. I knew how angry it would make him. It still infuriated me enough to drive that killer instinct I was just beginning to discover. The relationship between my father and I had always been a violent one devoid of any semblance of love and respect. But I never could have guessed, even with infinite knowledge, that he would hand me over to Adam as a peace offering. He had suggested that Adam was entranced with me, which I knew was true. If my father was aware of that, then he knew that trading me to Adam would have resulted in the worst possible assault, one that I had already experienced. The most despicable aspect of it was that my father did not care what Adam did to me. He only wanted to guarantee his own safety.
“Hey…” James was saying gently. When I resurfaced, I found that his hands were on my face. I looked up at him, realizing that I had briefly left the common time-frame in order to dwell within the space of those nasty, heart-tugging thoughts.
I opened my mouth to ask how long it had been since I had submerged into silence, but before I could, James answered me, knowing that the question was coming because he knew me so well already.
“Only a few minutes.” He told me, and after a gentle kiss, he studied me closely to discern whether or not I was alright.
“I am sorry.” I told him dryly. I did not know what else to say.
“Don’t apologize. You never apologize for anything. Definitely don’t apologize for that, sweetheart.”
“What occurred between my father and me is not difficult for me to discuss. The topic we were speaking of earlier is much harder. I do not understand either event, though. I do not understand how a man can want to cause harm to his own child. Not just any harm, either, but the worst. He told me that Adam wanted me. In exchange, Adam was offering him safety. I would like to give my father the benefit of the doubt and say that he just wanted to protect those for whom he was responsible, meaning the whole campsite.”
“But that’s bullshit, and you know it!”
James hissed furiously. I could see him shaking in rage.
“Please don’t get angry. It is just not worth it, James.”
“You’re worth me getting angry over, Brynna! What else did he say?”
“There were many things that he said. He did not admit it out loud, but he is terrified by the idea of people evolving while he stays the same. He was going to round them all up and either banish them or kill them outright. It is truly disgusting, how horrible of a person he is. It is mind-boggling, to say the very least. The reason why he even took me away from the others is because he was afraid and repulsed by what I was turning into. When the natives attacked, I changed over so I could fight them off. I think the entire campsite saw. The other people were afraid, too.”
“How did you get away?”
“Elijah, Alice, and Quinn broke into the ship to get me. They are all changing over, as you very well know. They embrace what they are turning into the same way that you and I do. Through their strength and their ability to fight, they were able to get me out.”
James nodded before asking another uncomfortable question.
“Why did he hit you?”
That bitterness I had so long embraced in order to survive the depressing truth burgeoned inside of me sickeningly, like a rose turned black with rot; it forced a small smile of disgusted disbelief to appear on my face.
“I did exactly what you just witnessed. I went out of it. It reminded him of something that he will never forgive. He knew that I was in that exact state of mind while my brother was dying. I am aware that you know all about that, just like you know all about Michael, my mother, my siblings...”
For my sake, he lightened the mood with a joke.
“Yeah. That’s all public record, not that I was spying on you or anything. Not that I was looking you up, drooling over your picture, climbing up your broken fire-escape to gaze in at you longingly... Nothing like that. Of course not.”
As always, his dry sense of humor got the better of me. Despite all that we had just discussed, I laughed, almost hysterically. I embraced him, so appreciative of his easy maneuvering out of tight emotional spaces in which I was uncomfortable. He was beyond angry at my father for what he had done. I understood that our evolution sharpened our emotions, creating a storm of potency that was felt through every limb. Somehow, James was able to suppress his animal rage for me. After tightening my arms around him, I kissed his neck.
“I didn’t follow you to that bar. It was strictly coincidence, you know.” He added, and I giggled again, shocked that he was able to bring forth such a girlish sound in me. I had never giggled a day in my life until I met him. In fact, I even hated the word ‘giggle.’
“No, you admitted that you were stalking me. You are a legitimate creeper.”
“Only for you, my love. My love, my love, my love…”
I laughed again, and then we were kissing fervently, completely unaware of the world around us.
“Sorry to interrupt…”
Don blasted Abba.
“Really?” I muttered irritably. I pulled away from James, whom I could see was equally aggravated by the interruption.
“I know it has only been a few hours, but how are you settling in?”
I looked at James, blinking in disbelief. What a trivial question so unworthy of our time. I had to remind myself that he was just being courteous.
“It is nice.” I answered vaguely.
“Just nice?”
“What do you want me to say?” I asked, “Are you expecting thanks? Did I thank you yet?”
“No. But I’m not after gratitude. It’s unimportant to me.”
“Well, it should be very important to you.” I told him, “We are incredibly thankful that you are allowing us to stay here. The house is amazing. What you are doing here is remarkable, really.”
“I try my best.” Don replied humbly, “I know that my interruption is not welcome. But besides inquiring how you two are adjusting thus far, I also wanted to offer you work.”
James and I both were well aware that work was certainly not being offered; it was being quietly demanded. I wondered briefly what the consequences would be if we declined. I was not so narcissistic as to believe that we should be excused from responsibilities. I was simply curious. I was still on my quest to discover the complete blueprint of Don Abba's emotional and intellectual flow. In short, I was attempting to peg his personality accurately in order to determine whether or not we had anything to fear from him.
Alright, that was not a short explanation...
“Do we have choices?” I asked Don.
“Of course.” He smiled and leaned against one of the porch’s posts, “Well, you do, Brynna. But James, you’ll like what I’m offering you. I know that this job is right up your alley.”
“How nice.” James replied irritably.
“Stop it.” I scolded him.
“You’re too intimidating to be put on yard work, or in the garden, or in the kitchen. You definitely belong with our security detail. Being a guard is perhaps the most important job here, given the circumstances. We’ve been doing the best we can with who we have, but you’re perfect for the job.”
“You really think so?” James asked emotionlessly.
I glared at James, prompting him to hold his hands up in surrender.
“I’m done.”
“Forgive him. He has forgotten his manners. He is also very grateful to be staying here. He has said so himself. Why he is not making his gratitude known is beyond me, but I intend to find out.”
“It’s alright. You all have had a rough time out there. I know. It took us two days to get here. We had to fight our way through natives and creatures, too. I know how hard it is. It changes a person, doesn’t it?”
I nodded. James glared at him.
“Now, don’t get me wrong, we have many men and women working in security who are very good at what they do. The men have evolved into exactly what you’re evolving into.”
“And what is that, Don?” James asked.
“I don’t know exactly what to call it. The term around here is ‘Strong-Arm.’ Adam says the official name for them is the Herculians. They were regular people, just like you were. Once they got here, they bulked up. They took hold of their animal nature proudly, just like you. You all have been gifted with unthinkable strength.”
James stared at him, so irritated by his presence that I had to bite my lip in order to suppress a laugh. His glare turned to me; he was even more aggravated by how amusing I found his bad attitude.
“Well, I’ll do the job because I know I don’t have a choice.” He ignored me as I buried my face in his neck so I could laugh quietly. He didn't shake me off, despite how angry he was; in fact, his arm tightened around my shoulders.
“Alright. Fantastic.” Don smiled genuinely again, “And you, Brynna,” I looked up at him, “I thought about putting you on the same job.”
“I would do I,t but I assume that one who works security has to spend a lot of time out of the house. Am I correct in that assumption?”
“Indeed.”
“Well, I have my sisters to look after. If it is possible, I would prefer something where I can be close to them. I do not assume that anyone will try to hurt them…”
“You don’t need to explain.” Don held up his hand in an attempt to pacify my belief that I was somehow offending him. “I understand completely.”
“Okay, then.” I frowned in uncertainty at his show of empathy. “I can do just about anything. So, you name it, I will do it,” I paused, realizing that I had given him far too much freedom to choose my occupation, “Just not bathrooms. I do not do bathrooms.”
Don laughed.
“How about helping out in the kitchen? Do you do that?”
I laughed, too, in utter relief.
“Sure. Why not? I am not the best cook in the world, but I will help out as best I can.”
“Great. How would your sisters like that job?”
“They would positively adore it, I am sure. They have always liked toiling about in the kitchen. They used to bake something every weekend together at my apartment. I am not saying that all of their attempts were successful…”
“That doesn’t matter. There will be plenty of help for all of you. I am just a firm believer in the fact that people need to work. If we are going to all live here together, everyone should be doing something to help out. What we grow in the garden or cook in the kitchen can certainly be kept individually, but some has to go to everyone. I need your honest opinion. Do you feel that I’m right in that?”
I was not going to lie, certainly not for his sake.
“Yes, I agree wholeheartedly.”
“Good. I know that you’re very bright. People who can think like you should definitely lend their opinion because it always seems to be useful.”
Oh, flattery. The man was trying to win my approval as though the entire existence of his little colony depended on it.
“What if I had said no?” I asked in a challenge that was perhaps unfair.
He was taken aback for a moment, but he quickly shrugged off my question with his soft, easy-going smile.
“Well, I would have had to rethink a few things.”
Now, I was not foolish enough to believe that if I had disagreed with him, he would have changed his entire operation based on my opinion. When he said he would have had “to rethink a few things”, he meant only that he would be shortening the duration of our stay in his home. Don believed that from his response, I would be tickled that he valued my opinion but instead, I saw only the clear message he was trying to convey: He was in control.
Because of his smile and his stature, one would not have been able to decipher that aggressive meaning behind his humdrum words easily, if one even could at all. But his ruse was not fooling James and me in the slightest.
“James, a group is heading out for the campsite tomorrow. Would you like to accompany them?”
There was another question to which there was one set answer.
“What are they after?”
“Just as much as they can carry from the underbelly of the ship. As many supplies as possible. We try to go every couple of days.”
“It takes two days to get there, you said?” I asked, and my eyes widened slightly. I did not want him to go if he would be gone for so long. I was far too used to his constant presence. We did not spend every waking moment latched together, but I was comforted by knowing that he was near at all times. I could not imagine adjusting to our first days in Don’s camp without him.
“No, that was just with stopping to rest, rerouting, you know. If he leaves by sunup, he’ll be back by sundown.”
“Oh.” I sat back again and pulled James’s arm onto my shoulder where it had been before I had moved.
“That’s fine with me.” James told Don.
“Great. Adam has provided us with some knives and spears to use. However,” Don leaned forward conspiratorially, “I will tell you that I am after the guns that were brought.”
“My father’s guards have the guns. If he has joined with the Bachums, who knows where they are?” I informed him dismally.
“The Bachums and their people are in the north. We don’t know exactly where. But if any of those guns were left behind, especially since your father’s guards have a few of them, we need to have the rest. Do you know what I’m saying?”
“That certainly wasn’t hard to understand, so yes.” James replied sourly.
I rolled my eyes and swore to myself that I would beat him later for being so incredibly rude.
“You shouldn’t run into any trouble since they’re so far north. But if you do…”
“I can handle it. I’m sure your other security dogs can, too.”
“I have full faith in you. Anyway, we don’t have any rules around here, so wander about for as long as you want.”
“Well, I am so glad to hear that I don’t have a curfew, Don. Thanks.”
I scowled back at him almost evilly.
“Generally, I am the one accused of possessing a snarky streak, but my lovely boyfriend seems to be trying to give me a run for my money. You have my apologies for that.”
“It’s quite alright. Like I said, we spent two days out there. I can’t imagine spending a week. Have a good evening, you two.”
He was gone as quickly as he had come.
“Well, you seem to really like him.” James's irritation was evident when he stood up and started to pace. “Were you just agreeing with me earlier to agree with me when you said you didn’t trust him?”
“I don’t trust him, James. But that does not mean I am going to be openly hostile towards him when he has kindly let us into this home…”
“Everyone needs to work…” James muttered, “Like we really have a choice!”
“We do not have a choice, not if we want to stay here. It is not unfair of him to ask for everyone to contribute. I will give him that.”
“You’ll give him a lot of credit when he doesn’t deserve it. You’re falling for that little act of his. You are just like the other people here! You’re so desperate to believe that we’re safe…”
“Do not even accuse me of pulling the wool over my eyes! I am constantly on the alert for anything even remotely shady, be it here, or in the woods, or…”
“You were the one who said there was no reason for them to kick my ass like they did.”
“Is that what this is about?” I asked him incredulously, “James, I told you that in a fair fight, you would have killed them. Nobody sees you as being any less for what happened…”
“I am well aware that I would have killed them in a fair fight. I certainly don’t need your reassurance on that.”
“Then I will stop reassuring you! It is all very simple, James; if we want to stay here, we need to tow the line, listen to what he says, within reason…”
“See, that!” He snapped and pointed his finger at me, “‘Within reason.' That is where the problem is going to come in. We don’t know exactly what is 'within reason' for him. I know that there is more to him than that little charade that he puts on! What was the purpose of drugging us?!”
“I suppose he needed to know where our allegiance was, or…”
“No! It was a power-play, Brynna! Goddamn it, you are not stupid! Stop acting like you are! You need to see all of this for what it is! He was showing us exactly how much control he has over the situation. He was showing us that he’s willing to resort to assaulting people in order to find out what he wants to know!”
“He is not even that smart!” I snapped at him. Every last one of those notions presented in his tirade were completely hyperbolic, to say the least. I almost laughed at how ludicrous they were.
“Goddamn it, don't even grin like that, like I'm being an idiot and you're up on a cloud of knowledge looking down on me!”
“Relatively good simile, if I may...”
He punched one of the smaller pillars on the porch, sending pieces of wood and tiny projectiles of white paint flying. I frowned; we had been conscious in Don's house for less than three hours and already, we had dented a wall (when I had slapped Elijah) and broken a part of his lovely, picturesque porch.
“Do not start that right now.” James growled furiously, “Do not underestimate this situation and try to distract me from telling you exactly how deep in shit we are!”
“Oh, God or Gods, you are so dramatic!” I exclaimed as I covered my face in irritation. “This is not a matter of me ignoring the level of danger. This is a matter of you and me disagreeing on how high that level is.”
“He’s aligned with Adam, so it's pretty fucking high, Brynna!”
Once again, I was scowling. Oh, I how I loathed profanity...
“You and I both know that Adam would like to see all of us dead! He doesn't just want the Bachums gone! He wants all of us gone!”
“Well, he'll never get all of us gone.” I mimicked him, which only
added to his fury. “James, I don’t find his alliance with Adam to be admirable or even wise. I certainly don’t trust Adam, but…”
“There is something very bad brewing here, Brynna.”
His voice was lower and more civil. If he could not convince me with his brash fury, then he would try to beseech my understanding with calmness. But I could see that he was still livid at my “naivety.” His body was shaking, sending sprays of blood from his busted knuckles flying wildly. His brown eyes were still swirled with flecks of red. Seeing the physical evidence of his out-of-proportion and horribly misguided anger only irritated me.
“I know you feel it as well as I do.” He continued, “It’s not only here in this house, it’s the whole damn planet. We fell right into the middle of a war between the city-people and the cave-people. Now, Adam is using us as pawns in the game. You’re going to have to forgive me for not wanting to fight a war that I care nothing about! Earlier, you said that you hated being a pawn in the political game. This is just like that.”
“James...” I said in a furious whisper, “Do not take what I said earlier and use it to your advantage. Do not try to use something that I confided in you as manipulation.”
“If that's what it will take to make you see this, then I will use it, Brynna!”
“Then you run the risk of infuriating me. If you want to take that risk, then go ahead!” I stopped, took a deep breath and tried to regain some of my composure. “James, I know that these are not the most desirable circumstances…”
“Yeah, no shit, baby...”
“Will you stop interrupting me for half a second so I can say what I want to say?!” I snapped at him. Now my irritation had made the high jump back to anger.
“Fine, go on. I'm sure this will be riveting.”
“Oh my God, just shut up!” I exclaimed, but after a deep breath, I resumed talking at a mild volume. “Adam has said that it will be either Don’s group or the Bachums’ group that will be able to live here free of any threat. We have no choice but to fight if we want to live here. It does not matter if we believe in what he believes. We need to live here safely, do you understand?”
“Of course I understand! This just isn’t the way to go about it! I really thought you were smarter than this, Brynna.”
I stood up, completely livid now.
“Do not suggest for even a moment that your intelligence rises above or is even on par with mine! I can feel things before they happen! I can read into people’s hearts and minds! Not to mention, on Earth, I probably could have dismantled an atomic bomb while playing a game of chess, and…”
“You are so arrogant! It drives me insane, Brynna!”
“Really? Well, you are ungrateful and proud!”
“As if you’re not proud! I don’t know why I’m taking any lectures from you about being polite, the way you tear your own sister and brother down all the time!”
“That is none of your business! And just for the record, I do that…”
“To feel superior, because you’re arrogant! It’s easier for you to be a bitch to them than to actually be their sister. And just so you know, let me clarify this for you: Refusing to feel anything is more of a sign of weakness than feeling whatever it is that you feel. Not to mention that while you’re projecting all of your anger onto them, you’re destroying them! You have a complex and half, I’m telling you!”
“Oh, thank you, Dr. Maxwell!” I exclaimed as I clapped my hands, “I do not know what would have happened to me if I had not received your astute psychological analysis! Please, say whatever you need to say! Say what you are feeling because I will not! All of this is in response to Don and Adam?!”
“It’s in response to you walking around like you know everything, and then you going and exhibiting such astounding stupidity! That’s what this is about, Brynna! I want you to get your head on straight!”
“No, you want me to acknowledge some vast character flaws you feel I possess.” I was not yelling anymore. I could see our fight for what it really was, and the reality made me rather sad. “You want to knock me down a few pegs, as they say.”
“I want you to see things for what they are.” He reiterated firmly. “But I also want you to see just how ridiculous you calling me out for being rude is. Yes, I want you to realize that being a cold, hypocritical bitch is going to destroy those girls the same way your mother and Maura being cold, hypocritical bitches destroyed you.”
“Wow, apparently it is the day for the men in my life to hurl overly personal insults at me. I am going to bed so that hopefully tomorrow, it will be the day when those men either apologize or fall off of a cliff!”
“Yes, because that was so mature, Brynna.”
“Perhaps it was not, but I will not be debating that with you. Please, for your own sake, find somewhere else to sleep tonight.”
I turned away, stung by all that had been shouted or venomously spat. What Elijah had said earlier received a new breath of life in my mind; it bounced back to the forefront to intermingle gladly with James’s cruel words. I was amazed that our fight had descended into such hostility. I understood that he was angry with me for not seeing things his way. I understood that he was frustrated because in his opinion, I was allowing myself to embrace naivety in place of a true grasp on the dangerous situation in which we had fallen when we had come seeking Don’s help.
After returning to our bedroom and closing the door, I laid down on the bed. It was more like a gigantic pillow than a mattress, I decided. Thousands of feathers filled the two pieces of fabric that had been sewn together all around the ends. Under my head were regular pillows, fashioned the same way. The animal fur blanket was soft on both sides, keeping me warm despite the chill in my heart.
Maura was in my mind, shaking her head at me. I warned you, she seemed to be saying. You allowed yourself to fall victim to his charms.
She was right, but I still snapped at her to go away using disgusting obscenities that I had never uttered, even mentally.
The door opened and closed quietly about an hour later. I heard his footsteps approach the bed. I had my eyes closed and was pretending to be asleep, but I listened as he unlaced his shoes and let them fall with a hard thud to the floor. As I wondered if he was going to attempt to wake me in order to apologize, he shed his shirt and pants and crawled into bed beside me. I waited, feeling his eyes on me. I did not know if I would accept his apology even if he offered one. We had been fighting and cruel things were always said in the heat of a fight. They were things that were not meant. They were simply intended to weaken the defenses of the other person, for reasons that neither party truly understood. We only hurt the ones we love, after all. That expression is an apt way to determine the causality of fights between people, but it certainly does not determine a sure reason why we feel the need to tear down the ones for whom we care.
I felt a fresh surge of anger roar to life in his heart as he turned away from me.
I fell asleep.
