by T. Rudacille
***
I was sitting on the other side of a two-way mirror. Apparently, mirror-craft is a universal occupation. I’m afraid that torturous interrogation techniques are also.
Another backhand across Maura’s face left her silent. She had been crying, begging to see Violet, who, as she claimed, would explain everything.
“You’re his wife! You can’t convince me that you don’t know anything, Maura!” Don bellowed at her. Even from outside, the volume of his voice rattled my eardrums. My hands were on my face, my fingers massaging the center of my forehead. I noted briefly that I was trembling.
“There’s nothing you could have done. If they exiled us, we would have nowhere to go. We tried to live on our own when we first got here. Every day, there was something else. We can’t do it, Brynn.” James tried to reassure me softly. In his voice, I heard no true dedication to the words he was speaking. His excuses did not register, even to him.
“I can’t sit by and allow this.” I told him. “There is never a reason for a man to raise his hand to a woman. I am sure I have told you my feelings on the matter many times.” I stood and turned away from the sight. “And right now, what they’re doing is just the tip of the iceberg. Who knows where it will end? Well, of course, I do. I do not see a course out of this where she lives, James.”
I hadn’t spoken the words out loud. I hadn’t told the grim truth to Elijah, whom I could hear shouting enraged promises of violence out in the hallway or Violet, who was sobbing openly. I hadn’t told Alice and Quinn, who were upstairs, trying to rally together a makeshift protest.
“She doesn’t deserve to die.” I told James.
In those terrible moments of the purest, most desperate terror and the most disgusting degradation all those years ago that Maura had allowed to happen by promoting her own interest over mine, I never thought that I would ever say later that she deserved her life. As I stood, watching her succumb to such heinous torment, I knew that I could not allow it to continue.
“I have to go to Adam. He can stop this. He pulls the strings, James.”
“No.” James told me firmly. “I don’t know what he wants exactly, but by the way he looks at you, it’s not in your best interest.”
“I don’t care! He’s helped me before without giving me a debt to pay.”
“You only think that he didn’t give you a debt to pay. What are you talking about? When did he help you? Was it when he blithely informed you that you needed that plant to save Quinn? Was it when he showed up on the mountain when you were freezing to death? He’ll call your debt any day now, Brynna. He is sick. He’s meticulous, too. He will play any angle he has to, as long as he gets what he wants from you. The more you ask of him, the higher the price.”
“James, I believe you are over-reaching just a tad.”
“I'm not!” James exclaimed before rubbing his eyes as he gathered his thoughts. “It's the way he looks at you, Brynna. I can't stand it. It makes me sick! Every time I see him look at you, my skin crawls.”
“Is that what this is about?” I pulled his hand away from his face gently. “James, I love you. You know that my feelings towards him border very closely on absolute loathing...”
“I don’t know what he wants from you, Brynna, but I know that you’re in his debt. He’s saved your life before. He saved you…” He trailed off, remembering the terrible instance involving the Peace Fruit.
“We cannot have this conversation now, James. Later, we can discuss it for hours, if you feel so inclined. Adam is the only person who can stop Don. I am going to make him do just that.”
“Then you’ll owe him again! Brynna, you cannot play games with him. We have seen what he can do. We know what he wants from all of us. You think he’ll cut you loose from your obligations to him just because you can talk quickly and negotiate well? He doesn’t negotiate! And you can’t outsmart him. Look at how long he’s been around.”
“What do you recommend, James? Short of killing Don, the only course of action that will result in a favorable outcome would be going to Adam for help. He saved Violet and asked for nothing in return. That was the most crucial instance of him helping me. Surely, that instance would designate the highest payment, given how deeply I care for her. If he were going to ask for his payment, I believe he would have done so by now.”
James sighed and put both hands on his face. After a long moment, he exclaimed in frustration.
“You’re smarter than this, Brynna!” He accused me furiously. “You know it’s only a matter of time. Are you afraid of what he might ask you for? Is that why you refuse to admit that you owe him?”
“What purpose does it serve to you or anyone else if I admit that I owe him something? This conversation is redundant and therefore pointless, so I am exiting it now.”
I strode away, but he caught up to me. He wrapped me in his arms and held me tightly against him. I frowned when I felt him kiss the back of my head. His sudden show of affection confused me. I could not understand the sudden change in his mood.
“What are you doing? Am I meant to succumb to your embrace and forget what I have resolved to do?” I asked condescendingly, though my hand did reach back over my shoulder to touch his face. “Is that your plan? Because I must tell you that that plan actually succeeding is less likely than hell becoming the new Aspen.”
“I lied to you, Brynna.”
His voice was quiet, but his tone was resolute. I prayed that I had not heard him correctly, but his tone cruelly assured me that I had. Dread seemed to take him as he prepared to say out loud whatever it was that he had kept from me. In his heart, I sensed the excruciating realization that in mere moments, I would no longer wish to be with him. I would be the one who walked away when I had so tormented myself over picturing that scenario reversed.
“Excuse me?”
“I’ve lied to you about something very serious. I should have told you from the moment I met you. When you asked me about it, I should have been honest. I just want to apologize for that now.”
“Well, I am certainly not going to accept your apology without knowing exactly what the nature of the lie is!” I shook my way out of his embrace, “You know that I do not tolerate liars, James! What have you not told me?”
“I had a wife.”
Somehow, that was disappointing. Just as I had geared my adrenal system into overdrive, preparing for his bombshell and the outburst of rage that would follow such a stunning betrayal of truth and honesty, he had revealed something that I could have easily guessed.
“Honey, that’s,” I shook my head as I tried to mentally gather how he could believe that such a revelation was angering. “I know that I asked whether you had been married before…”
“No, listen,” He grasped both of my hands and looked into my eyes. “I had a wife. She and I, given our careers, knew about Adam. We knew about his people. We had met him long before he ever came to camp that night. Brynna, he was on Earth.”
“For what?” I asked quickly. A grimace was working to emerge on my face as the slow bloom of that festering secret spread bitter, metallic ooze over my tongue and rendered me nearly unable to speak. Something earth-shattering was going to be revealed to me now by him. Violet’s secret…
“He was looking for people like us. He was looking for people who saw the end. He was looking for people who were starting to show signs of the evolution.”
“For what?” I asked again.
“I don’t like the way you’re saying that.” He told me softly as he ran his hand over his head. “It’s a little unnerving.”
“I could not care less about that. Continue talking now.”
“At first, he wanted to take us himself. He and his people wanted to study us, because they didn’t know how it was possible that we could have powers when some others here, meaning Tyre’s group, had lost theirs. Obviously, those of us who knew about this were completely against that. So, we found our own way.”
“What does your spouse have
to do with this?”
Now, my head was spinning. Now, I was beginning to feel the urge to run. I did not want to hear any more. I was pacing back and forth, running my fingers through my hair and struggling to breathe normally. Behind me, behind that thick wall with the two-way mirror implanted dead in the center, Maura screamed again and cried out for my father.
“I don’t know! I’m sorry!” She cried desperately. “Please, Don…”
“You had better arrive at the point right this second, James! What common link is there between your wife, your previous association with Adam, and my current predicament?”
“My wife and I were over for a long time before the event. We had an open marriage, to say the least. When I realized that the world was ending, and I saw your face in my dream, I knew that I had to go to you. I had to get you and your family onto the ship. My wife disagreed.”
“DON! STOP!” Maura pleaded through her loud, trembling sobs. My heart pumped blood rapidly into my ears; the liquid flooded my brain and blocked out James's face and his words only momentarily. I was running out of time. Maura's life was beginning to slip from the current stream of souls inhabiting Pangaea into an unknown realm that I would never know...
“We fought over it.” James was saying. “It wasn’t just that. There were so many other things we were screaming at each other about, I don’t even remember them all. Something came over me. You know what it is. You’ve experienced it, that killing instinct. And I… I…”
The end to his story was clear. His stammering avoidance of saying the words was proof enough that he had killed his wife. When I grasped his scratchy, stubble-covered cheek, his eyes darted all around to avoid mine. For only a shuddering minute in time, I saw his tears of regret.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered to him. I stood on my tiptoes so I could press my forehead to his. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“To me? How can you feel sorry for me? I killed her, Brynna. I deserve whatever bad happens to me from here on out. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve for you to look at me the way you’re looking at me right now. Don’t you see that?”
“I see very clearly. I see in your heart a guilt too painful to imagine. You might not have loved her anymore, but you loved her once. You were not aware that you possessed such strength. You could not have stopped yourself.”
“And if I push you the way I pushed her, and you fall like that…”
I shushed him gently and grasped both of his arms. I pulled them so they encased me. Then, I gently eased his head onto my shoulder, realizing that he was crying only when his few tears ran down my neck. He never made a sound.
“Goddamn it, I’m losing my man-card.” He told me sarcastically as he pulled away from me, swiping at his eyes.
“Stop it.” I grasped his hands.
“I’m surprised you’re not breaking this off right now, given how much you hate emotions.”
“I couldn’t break this off just because you shed a few tears. Now, if you start sobbing loudly and screaming for help at the heavens, I might consider it.” We both chuckled softly. “Now, tell me how Adam fits into all of this.”
His eyes did not darken. His face did not contort into an expression of desire to suppress the secret. Everything simply went blank. I realized then that the worst of his story had not yet been told. Now, I would learn the true details that would shatter what we had built. Now, I would know what it was that he had kept from me.
“Adam showed up. He must have just known what I had done. I was going to call the police and turn myself in. But he stopped me. He talked me down, told me that it was the evolution. Then, he got rid of her body. By then, I thought that maybe he was alright. Maybe I had judged him wrong. He had helped me without asking me for anything in return.”
“But I suspect that he did ask for something in return.”
“Yeah, he did. Brynna, he…” James grasped both of my hands again.
“What? Say it, James.” I broke my hands out of his grip and raised his head so he was looking at me again.
“He wanted you.”
By now you know that Adam wanted me. My father had kindly pointed that out. Adam's behavior betrayed his great interest in me. I knew that somehow, his intentions were not completely malevolent. However, being desired for any reason by a man as old, powerful, and bloodthirsty as he was certainly provoked great fear inside of me. I am not ashamed to admit that, even now.
“Why?” I closed my eyes as I attempted to stop the suddenly quickened pace with which Pangaea spun on its axis.
“I didn't know then. I knew about the Shadows, but I didn't know about the Reapers. When Adam sent them with me, they were supposed to be making sure that I held up my end of the deal. When I didn't...”
“You went to the bar that night knowing that you were supposed to turn me over to him?!” I exclaimed as I whipped around to face him. “At that point, you were still planning on giving me to him?!”
“I was, but only until I saw you, Brynna! After that, I knew that I couldn't do it. I saw you, and everything changed. Everything, Brynna.”
“I heard that same thought in your head weeks ago, and I naively believed that it was some sweet sentiment regarding your love for me changing your life. God or Gods, that was so stupid on my end! I almost deserve this for being so blinded by my love for you!”
“You don't deserve this, Brynna. I am so sorry, and…”
“So why didn't Adam kill you after you failed to come through on your obligation to him?”
“He said that I got you to the planet, and that was enough for him at that moment. But he said that eventually...”
“Stop pausing and just tell me what you need to tell me, James!” I shouted in fury.
“Eventually, I was going to have to give you up to him.”
“And what did you say?! Please tell me that you said you wouldn't! Please tell me that you told him we were together, and he could go to hell! Even if you referred to me in possessive terms, meaning that you said I was yours, just tell me that you told him he couldn't have me, James!”
His silence was resounding. The answer to such a terrible question had never been more painfully clear. I staggered back a step, my hand coming up to cover my mouth and my eyes widening as I turned away. I did not doubt that he was being completely honest. Only the truth could be so vile. My arms wrapped around my middle and my hands squeezed two fistfuls of my sweatshirt in their grip tightly. The precious Pangaean air could not find an open passage into my body; my head spun, and I was forced to reach out and grab a hold of the wall to steady myself.
Vertigo is rendered inert by touching a firm, unmoving object, I reminded myself. But that old trick was proved to be false. My legs collapsed from underneath me and only James's arms could right the frantic movement of my brain tossing about from side to side in my head.
“Don't touch me...” I whispered fiercely, struggling to break his grip on me.
“I'm sorry, Brynna. I'm so sorry.”
“Don't touch me!” My voice rose to a forceful scream. “Just tell me what it is that he's going to give you in return for me! Just tell me so that I can, at the very least, know exactly how valuable the reward is for my life!”
“He said he'd let me keep my immortal life.”
I found myself laughing, covering my mouth as though he had just delivered some sarcastic response to one of my quips.
“So, a reward of no value at all. That's discouraging...” I turned away from him, cringing at his attempts to touch me.
“Just let me tell you everything. Brynna, I'll explain everything, I promise. And then you can yell and scream and hit me, if it will make it right. Whatever you need me to do to put it right, I’ll do it.”
From the third step leading to the floor above us, I looked back at him, shaking my head.
“I have heard all that I wish to hear, James. There are no hidden motives behind what you did. To put it quite simply, you were too much of a coward to do what
you were told. You couldn't turn me over to Adam because you knew that your guilt would end your life.”
“That's not true, baby.” He was standing at the bottom of the stairs now, imploring me to see his side of the story. Stubbornly, I refused to be swayed by his pleading eyes or his words that sought but failed to explain.
“I love you, Brynna.” He told me uselessly.
“You don't. Forgive my childish sentiments regarding love, but from what I have read, the state of being generally denotes a willingness to die for the one whom your affections are directed. Clearly, that is not reality. I don't know how long it was going to be before he came to kill you, but I know that you would have given me to him then. Am I correct in that assumption? Don't answer that!” I changed my mind quickly and squeezed my eyes shut to block out his handsome face. “I am resolved now not to care. Whatever you and I had is over, James.”
“Brynna, I should have told you all of this before now...”
“I now understand my inability to understand all of those books I read in which love was the key arc of the story.” I replied, more to myself than to him. “I was simply too intelligent to believe such things exist. For a while, with you, I did believe in that. Now, I understand again that such beliefs are downright ridiculous. How very interesting, when life comes full circle...”
“Stop. You're doing that to avoid feeling this. Just let me explain it to you, Brynna. If you wanted to walk away, you would have done it by now. You love me. You know I love you so much, baby. I will tell you everything you want to know, I promise.”
“I know everything already, James. In fact, I think I know it more than you do. I know that you would have traded my life for yours with great hesitation. I know that in time after that, you would have reasoned away your guilt. I would have been nothing but a distant memory to you, some uncomfortable presence in your mind that brought about a dull ache in your heart...”
“That's what I thought would happen, but that's not...”
“Your lies baffle you, James. You are blinding yourself to them.”
I was offering dull, lifeless retorts to every point he presented to me. If I felt the pain of his betrayal there, even for the quickest of milliseconds, I would crumple to the ground, screaming, sobbing, and pleading with him to tell me that he was lying, that it was all just a cruel joke. I am sure that this goes without saying by now, but I would not beg him or anyone else for anything.
“Brynna, you know... you know I love you. Somewhere, you know that. Stay with me, baby. I'll tell you everything. Just don't end this. I can explain this to you...”
Maura's shriek of pain raised the hair on the back of my neck. I squeezed my eyes shut and broke free from his grasp, fighting the tremor of fright that passed through me at the thought of her time running out.
“I understand this far better than you do.” I told James in hurried anger. “Do not condescend me by implying that I need an explanation from you. Goodbye, James.”
His arms locked around my middle, and he held me to him.
“It's over, so let go of me. There is nothing you can say.” I told him firmly, “God or Gods, I cannot process this. I cannot understand it.” I told him firmly as my throat tightened under the threat of tears. “I love you so much that this baffles me, James! It strangles every ability I have to understand! God or Gods, what have you just done to me? What have you done to me?”
Never have words from my lips betrayed such great sadness. Or fear. Or regret. Never have words from my lips been more resolute. More final. More strangely cold and paradoxically unfeeling…
Even after I was alone in the hallway above where we had stood, I did not cry. My heart wrenched painfully downwards, though, pulling me forward so I had to steady myself once again. I moaned softly as my fingernails clawed into my chest. I was struggling to remain on my feet, whimpering softly but shedding not a single tear.
I did not want James's explanation because his lies would torment me into madness. Maybe, after I had slipped away into a world populated only by insane, smothering delusions, I would accept those lies and excuses to be factual representations of a fabled truth. I knew, deep down in my soul where those dark, unwelcome feelings lurked, that if I allowed him to speak, he would convince me. My love for him would flare up in an effervescent display of sparks that were fueled by that warmth that erupted inside of me every time I looked at him and my own stupid, pathetically idealistic, disgustingly sentimental youth. His spell consumed me, wrapping me tightly in a snug blanket and keeping me safe from the world and myself, too. If I listened to his voice for even a moment, I would only be hypnotized once again.
There was but one person with whom I needed an audience, and I sensed his presence growing nearer and nearer to me. In a hurried movement, I ran up the hallway, searching for the grand puppeteer himself. In a quick moment of Seeing, I could hear his thoughts.
He was searching for me, as well. He sensed my pain, my weakness. The hunter's disciple had failed to secure the prey. Now, he was closing in for the kill himself while the wounded creature hobbled away desperately. Only I was not going to run. Nothing was going to stop me from procuring the answers I was so wildly pursuing.
If I would not accept the truth from James, I would be forced to accept whatever story Adam told me. With that in mind, I ran in the direction of his blurry thoughts.
