by Barbara Goss
When they sat for meals, they sat with their groups, so she was mainly with the females, but almost every time she looked up she saw Miles’ eyes on her. She knew it was probably more a protective thing than a romantic thing, which was all she deserved after breaking off with him the way she did. And all because she was attracted to a man who she’d thought reminded her of her father. Their being separated for months at a time was a problem, too. If she’d only measured the importance of having someone as special as Miles to a teaching job in a strange city, she might not have broken off with him.
The school council talked about tightening the requirements for teachers, and if that happened, she’d probably lose the job anyway. They planned to hire teachers qualified with a college degree. Up until now, having graduated and passed a test was enough. That plan would take some time to put into action, but she’d already decided she preferred to stay in Abilene with her friends and family, anyway.
Violet had to also admit that she missed Miles. Just seeing him everyday, but not being with him, hurt deep inside her chest. She missed their dinners at Pete’s, she missed their rides to the park and the river, she missed being kissed and held—if he would just look her way now and then and smile, it would lift her spirits. She missed his smiles the most, and every time she looked at him, her eyes went to his lips. He was such a great kisser. Yet, while Miles looked at her constantly, he never smiled.
She missed everything she’d given up to teach. Ivy had been right: you sometimes don’t appreciate what you have until it’s gone. And she feared Miles was now lost to her—she could tell by the looks Peggy gave him that she had feelings for him, too. Now, she feared it would become a family squabble if she and Peggy had a falling out. Peggy hadn’t been friendly with her at all during the camp.
Peggy felt angry. All Miles did was watch Violet. She also noticed there was no friendly interaction between Violet and Gavin. What had happened there? She noticed Gavin giving Violet looks that could only be described as angry.
When all of the children went to their tents and settled in for the night, some of the adults drifted back to the campfire each night. Gavin was always there, but Miles never went, and neither did Violet or Betty. That evening it was just Gavin and Carl. She hadn’t gone before, but since this was the last night of the camp, she decided to go. She sat down beside Gavin.
Gavin and Carl were engrossed in a Biblical discussion when she arrived, so she just sat there and poked at the fire. Gavin and Carl turned, and both men greeted her. Carl excused himself, leaving her alone with Gavin.
“Gavin, what happened with you and Violet? I thought you two were a couple now. Yet—”
“It’s personal,” Gavin snapped.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Peggy said. “It’s just that I have an interest in this, too.”
“You? How is that?” Gavin answered, seemingly annoyed.
“You see, I think I may be in love with Miles, but all week his eyes have been on Violet, which makes me angry. I thought Miles was free, now that you were courting Violet, so naturally, I wondered—”
“I plan to marry Violet. Miles is just a friend, I assure you,” Gavin said. “We had a minor disagreement is all. Things will be patched up, don’t worry.”
“Well, if you need any help getting back with Violet, just ask. I tend to come up with some pretty neat ideas,” she said.
“Ideas?” he asked. “Like what?”
“Well, it’s a very romantic night, and I could tell Violet that Miles wanted to see her in the shelter, but of course, it would be you,” she said. touching his arm.
Gavin drew his arm back quickly, and stared at her.
“What’s wrong, Gavin? I only touched your arm.”
“I’m not used to casual touching, is all.”
Peggy laughed, leaned over, and kissed him on the cheek. “That’s for good luck.” She got up and said. “Hurry, and get to the shelter.”
Violet always had a hard time sleeping in strange places, but the ground seemed to get harder each night. She twisted and turned in an effort to find a good position. She was listening to the evening summer sounds of the crickets, katydids, and an occasional owl, when Peggy stuck her head in the tent.
“Violet? Are you awake?” she whispered.
“Yes, why?”
“Miles wants to see you in the shelter.”
“Miles? What does he want?”
“I wish I knew.” Peggy sighed. “But he said it was important.”
At camp the adults slept in light clothing instead of nightclothes, in case they had to deal with a problem with a child at night, or walk them to the outhouse. So Violet just slid into her shoes and went out into the night. She was wearing a summery, shear, white short-sleeved dress. She approached the shelter, but didn’t see Miles.
“Miles?” she whispered.
“Here,” a voice said softly.
She walked over to the darkest corner of the shelter and she was shocked to see Gavin sitting on a table.
“You!” Violet turned to walk away, but he pulled her arm and brought her back to him.
“Violet, please marry me,” he pleaded, as he held her arm.
“Please don’t attack me, because I’ll scream so loud they’ll hear me in Abilene and Salina,” Violet said.
“You’re so beautiful,” he reached out and ran his fingers through her hair, which was loose, and fell almost to her waist. “Marry, me—now I’m begging. I do want to touch you and make love to you. I want to so badly, and I’m praying for control, here. See? I can control myself. I need you, Violet.” His tense voice scared Violet.
“Gavin,” she said, “I can’t forget the attack, I’m sorry.”
A mild oath escaped his lips.
“Gavin!” He was always the most disciplined, Christian man, and Violet was shocked to hear him curse.
Gavin grabbed her by the waist and drew her to him. He still sat on the table, but he pulled her between his legs, and held her loosely. “See, I have control,” Violet. “Can I help it if you drive me to do things I shouldn’t?”
“I’ll scream,” she warned.
Gavin slid down from the bench and in one fast movement he covered her mouth with one hand, and pushed her to the ground with the other. Before he managed to cover her mouth she was able to get out a half scream, but she doubted it would be enough to arouse anyone who was asleep.
Gavin groped her, and she trembled in fright because her fighting was not enough to stop him. She was terrified. This time she’d not be rescued and she’d be ruined. What she’d been saving for Miles would be gone. She made as much noise as she could with her mouth covered, and she kicked with all her might. Her foot connected with a bench and knocked it over.
The thought of what could happen next made her fight even harder… but Gavin’s progress stopped.
“I’ll stop right now if you agree to marry me, Violet. I don’t really want it this way, but if it’s the only way to get you to agree, then this is what I have to do. One way or another, I will have you. Either tonight or after we’re married, the decision is yours.”
She continued to struggle, so he continued fondling her bosom and pressing himself against her, the feel of his readiness created a rage within her… she scratched at his face, she kicked, and then she managed to open her mouth enough to bite his hand.
“You—” he cursed.
She was poised to scream, when, once again, Gavin flew from her, and was thrown against the wall, and Miles punched him in the mouth. “I warned you, McKenzie, now I have no choice but to turn you in. You shouldn’t even be around children, you’re an animal!” Miles spat.
Peggy stood behind Miles with her hand covering her mouth. She reached out and helped Violet to stand.
Violet was crying and trembling. Miles let Gavin go with a final shove that sent him fleeing the shelter and running out into the night.
Miles held out his arms to Violet and she flew into them. “Don’t let me go, Miles, Please.”
“I don’t intend to,” he whispered, squeezing her tighter. They stood there swaying in each other’s arms and didn’t even notice that Peggy had left.
It felt so good to hold Violet in his arms again. He felt his eyes tearing with the thrill of it, but he knew it was just because she was scared. She wasn’t there to stay. She could never be there to stay again. He’d hold her as long as she’d let him, but he’d never let her hurt him again. He couldn’t handle a second rejection from her, so he’d have to keep his distance. Once bitten, twice shy.
Finally, Violet slowly pulled away. She saw a napkin on the table and used it to wipe her eyes and nose. “I’m sorry you had to rescue me again, Miles.”
“It’s okay. I’m going to have to report him this time, Violet. He shouldn’t be around children.”
Violet nodded, still wiping her eyes. “He covered my mouth when I tried to scream. How did you know to come?”
“Peggy came and got me. “
“Sit down,” he said.
Violet sat on the bench, and Miles sat beside her; he kept his arm around her.
“Peggy claims she loves me, but the feeling isn’t mutual. She noticed me keeping my eye on you, and not knowing the whole story, she thought I was watching you because I was still in love with you. So she thought that if she could get you and Gavin back together, she’d have me all to herself. Silly girl. Anyway, she peeked in to make sure you two were making up, and she saw him attacking you. Mischievous as Peggy is, this wasn’t what she’d planned. She got scared, and ran to get me.”
“I’m not sure if I should scold Peggy or thank her,” Violet said.
“Listen, Violet,” he said, seriously, “we have to see the children off tomorrow after breakfast. You have to hold together at least until then. Can you do that?” Miles smoothed her hair as he spoke.
Violet nodded.
“I’ll walk you to your tent. We’ll talk more after the children leave tomorrow,” he said guiding her back with his hand on her back.
“What about Gavin?” she asked.
“I’ll take care of him right now,” he said. “Don’t worry.”
After the last child had been picked up, the men from the various churches arrived to take the tents down. Violet stood in the shelter, wondering where Gavin and Miles could be. Neither had showed up that morning, and Carl had to manage all three of the boys groups.
Peggy approached Violet, “I’m sorry, Violet. I never thought—”
Violet smiled. “I understand why you did what you did, and if it weren’t for you, I’d hate to think what I’d be going through this morning.” She shivered.
“I’m also the one who talked Miles into being seen with me. I’ve liked him for a while, and when I heard you two had split, I thought, why not? I know he wouldn’t have given me the time of day, but when I saw him moping at the park, I got the idea to suggest we pretend to be a couple to make you jealous. Not only didn’t it work, but I ended up really falling for him.” Peggy sat down on the bench near Violet.
“I think you still care for him, and I’ve decided to step out of the picture. It’s easy—I never even got a kiss from him. He just isn’t interested in anyone else. Maybe that’s why I wanted him, because I knew, deep down that it would be a challenge, but my competitive nature made me try.” She shrugged. “I still have Henry.”
“Henry?” Violet asked.
“Henry Bannister. He courted me for a while but he’s away at college.”
“I wish you luck with Henry,” Violet said. “Will he be away long?”
Peggy nodded. “I like him a lot, but it’s hard to deal with a long distance romance.”
“How well I know that,” Violet said.
“You should know one thing though. Miles suffered horribly when you broke off with him. I never saw a person grieve so, and I felt so sorry for him. I think he’s finally starting to get over you, but he swore to me that he’d never let it happen again, so if you still have feelings for him, you have your work cut out for you,” Peggy said. “Well, I hope there are no hard feelings, I’m truly sorry, Violet.”
“We’re good, Peggy. No hard feelings.”
“I came to camp with Miles. Would it be okay if I drove your wagon home? I’ll leave it at the church and you can pick it up later,” Peggy said. “That way, you can ride home with Miles. You probably have a lot to talk about.”
“Thank you, Peggy—for everything.”
Violet was still sitting in the shelter after the men took the tents down, and prepared the camp for next year by covering the fire pit, cleaning out the outhouses, and locking them. Soon, even they had gone, and she regretted not riding home with Peggy because she’d just noticed that Miles’s buggy wasn’t even there.
Suddenly a shiver ran through her body. What if Gavin was still around, and here she was, alone with no one to hear her scream? She became frightened by her own thoughts, and started to pace back and forth. She wrung her hands. How would she get home? Could she walk the five and a half miles? She thought that, however far it was, it was safer than waiting around here, in case Gavin showed up.
Just as she started the trek home, Miles barreled toward her in his buggy. He reined in, and jumped down.
“Sorry. I didn’t realize I was supposed to drive you home until I ran into Peggy at the church,” he said. “I’ll help you up.”
He put his hands on her waist, like he always did when he helped her into the buggy.
“You were back home?” she asked.
“I was at the church,” Miles said. “I took Gavin to Martin’s house early this morning—got Martin out of bed. He told me to meet him at the church, so we waited for him there. Once Martin got there, I left McKenzie with him. If Martin thinks he can work with him and help him, fine, otherwise he’ll report his problem to the school council. So, as I was walking from the church, Peggy was just getting out of your buggy. She told me she’d switched so I could drive you home.” He jumped up into the driver’s seat. “So now you’re up on what’s been going on.”
“I was scared, Miles,” she said with a shiver. “I was left all alone here, and wasn’t sure if Gavin might still be lurking around somewhere.”
“I’m truly sorry. I remembered that you’d driven here yourself, so I figured I’d come back for Peggy. I didn’t realize you’d be left here alone.” He reached over and patted her hand. “I’ll have you home safely in no time.”
“Peggy also apologized for everything,” Miles said. “I forgave her, of course. After all, she did save you in the long run, and I think she’s learned a lesson.”
Violet simply smiled. She wondered where all of this left her and Miles. He didn’t seem interested in her, except to feel badly for her experience. Had he truly gotten over her, or was he protecting himself against future hurt from her, like Peggy had hinted? It would be hard for him, she imagined, to ever trust her again with his heart. How foolish she’d been.
“What will you do if he’s still teaching in the fall?” Miles asked.
“I’m resigning,” she said.
“Oh, really? What will you do, then?”
“I’m going to run Rose’s business for her.”
“Excellent idea,” he said. He took his eyes off the road for a second and gave her a smile. “It will be nice to see you around town again.”
Something Miles said last night kept bothering her. He’d said, "Peggy thought I was watching you because I was still in love with you." Did that mean he wasn’t in love with her anymore?
She didn’t deserve him anyway.
Chapter 11
Reverend Martin leaned back in his chair and studied the man before him. He was maybe thirty or close to it, good looking, but his eyes—his eyes told John Martin he was a troubled man. The bruises on his face made the reverend curious about his difficulty.
“Welcome, Gavin. Miles Croft has hope that I can help you with a problem. Could you tell me about it?”
“Miles is exaggerating. I…I
…,” Gavin shook his head and then sat with his head in his hands. “If you’re to help me, I guess I have to be honest. It goes no further than this room, right?”
“Nothing goes beyond these walls, Gavin. People come here and tell me all sorts of things. This is the right place to do that. The Bible does tell us to confess our sins. James 5: 16 says, ‘Confess your sins to one another that you may be healed.’ Now, this is important: it doesn’t say confess to be forgiven, it says to be healed, which is a big difference. I, as a minister of God, cannot forgive your sins, only God can. Confessing to me will not cause your sins to be forgiven, but it will be the first step in your healing.” John Martin smiled. “It’s my job to help heal, and another reason that I studied psychology—to better help and heal those who confess their sins to me.
“God knew, in his infinite wisdom, that being forgiven doesn’t always heal, people still suffer with their guilt and shame. It’s my job to help heal, my friend.” John Martin smiled warmly at Gavin in an attempt to give him confidence and trust.
Gavin nodded. “I grew up in an orphanage because my parents had more children than money. I was number nineteen and was sent to a Catholic orphanage as a month old infant. They treated me well enough—gave me food, clothing, Bible studies, but—no love, no physical affection. This caused me to grow up sensitive to anyone touching me… well not everyone, mostly attractive women, because it’s a physical reaction that I get.
“I married Sophie, the first girl I ever courted. Lucky for me, she was not virtuous, so we had relations before marriage, even though I knew it was wrong. All she had to do is was touch me and I was…crazy. Luckily, she enjoyed that part of our marriage, so there were no problems. After she’d had our son, she became ill. For months afterward she was ill, and we had no intimacy. It wasn’t too much of a problem, because I was busy teaching, and caring for her.
“Knowing my weakness, I was successful at staying away from any physical contact with women. I taught school, I went to a Protestant church and gave my life to Christ one night in church, and thought that it would solve my problem. And for a time, it did—until I met Violet.
