by Claire Adams
Today’s the first day I’ve called in sick in my life.
It’s well into the afternoon, and I’m scared to leave my room. I can’t face Dane right now. Not after that.
There’s a problem, though.
I’ve had to pee for about the last hour, and I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to lie in here and avoid reality.
Usually, this is one of those times when I would give Mike a call and suckle from the teat of his folksy wisdom. Yeah, that’s what he insists on calling it when I go to him for advice.
I’d much rather just act like nothing ever happened in the first place.
Maybe that’s my in.
I get up and open the door.
Dane is in the kitchen, eating a sandwich, and I pretend that I don’t see him as I walk across the living room to the bathroom.
“Good morning,” he says, his mouth full and losing crumbs.
“Hey,” I answer, not looking over or slowing my pace.
A few minutes later, I’m on the inside of the locked bathroom, and I’m having that dilemma again. He acknowledged my presence, so he’s going to want to talk to me when I come out of here.
Maybe I can just stay in here.
I mean, there’s running water to drink—from the sink, mind you. I’m not an animal. Well, no more than anyone else.
If I’d remembered to grab my phone, I could order pizza and Chinese food and have them come up the fire escape and deliver my sustenance through the smallish bathroom window. Yeah, I’m sure they won’t go for it at first, but I’m an excellent tipper. A pizza box wouldn’t fit through the window, but I can always have the guy pass it through piece by piece.
I could make a bed out of towels and have Mike run any personal errands that may arise.
Sure, I’ll run out of money pretty fast as I won’t really be able to work, but maybe I can have Mike bring over a laptop and try my hand at stay-at-home customer service.
For a bed, I can simply lay down some towels, making sure to double a couple up for pillows, and with the towels that are left, I can cover myself. It actually doesn’t sound half bad.
My other option is going out there.
Out there where I’ve got at least five bosses, though I’ve only ever met four, who each make my life unbearable in their own special way.
Just outside this door, I’ve got a roommate that still bugs the hell out of me, who I pretty obviously came onto just before his mostly naked sex buddy popped her cooch out of his room in a pretty literal sense.
I’m in the bathroom for half an hour.
By now, as I haven’t had the shower running, I have yet another reason not to go out there. Now, not only am I the drunk chick who makes inappropriate advances on her womanizing roommate, but I can only imagine what he thinks I’m doing in here.
There’s a knock on the door about 10 minutes later.
“Hey, you all right in there?”
“Just taking a bath!” I call back.
I know that we don’t have a tub. We have a stand-up shower.
“Oh,” he says.
It’s an excruciating amount of time before he says anything else.
“Okay.”
Maybe if I don’t flush when I come out, he’ll know that I wasn’t in here doing unspeakable things. Of course, that’ll only work if he’s standing near the door when I do flush. Otherwise, he’s just going to assume that I did, and when the hell did I become so damn neurotic?
I flush the toilet.
I have no idea why I flush the toilet.
Is it better for your roommate to think that you just spent half an hour in the bathroom doing… that, or for him to walk in and find an unflushed toilet with pee in it?
Am I the only woman who thinks about these things?
Oh well, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter anymore, and all I can really do is take a breath and hope for the best.
When I come out of the bathroom, I don’t see Dane.
Maybe he’s in his room, maybe he left. Regardless, I think it’s pretty clear he was out of flush-hearing range.
I really need to get out more.
I’m almost back to my room when I hear him. I can hear his voice through his door.
At first, I start to think that his little biscuit is in there with him, but he’s responding to an inaudible second party.
I press my ear against the door the moment I hear my name.
“…kind of weird. I mean, last night, she was coming onto me and today, I don’t even know where to start.”
Great. This is just great.
“No, nothing happened. I mean, Wrigley came out of the room with her vag hanging out, but I really think she was going to kiss me.”
Wrigley is a stupid name for a person.
Of course, given the entrance, I’d probably think her name was stupid whatever it was.
No, Wrigley is a stupid name. Last name: that’s fine. First name: I mean, are you joking?
“Yeah, she was drunk. What does that have to do with anything?”
If I left the city today, I wonder if I could join up with the Amish. What’s the rule on that? Does anyone know?
“Yeah, whatever,” he says on the other side of the door. “I’ll see you in a few hours at l’Iris.”
I knew that’s the place he was talking about. He even pronounced it correctly.
I’m sure he’s going there to meet up with Wrigley.
Stupid, dumb-named, crevice-flaunting Wrigley.
Wait.
If he’s off the phone, what are the chances that he’s about to—
The door opens, and I almost fall into the room.
“Leila!” he says, jumping back. “What are you doing?”
“I’m sorry,” I say.
I’m stuttering. Why am I stuttering?
“I got a bit lightheaded on the way back to my room. I drank way too much last night.”
I’m trying to look casual as I lean against the doorjamb. I have a feeling that I’m not pulling it off.
“Yeah,” he says. “You were pretty out of it last night. Actually, I think maybe we should talk about that.”
“Why?” I ask, having no recourse left but pure denial. “What happened? I don’t really remember anything after I got home.”
“You don’t?” he asks.
It’s a plausible story, Dane. Just go with it, ya bastard.
“No. Why? I didn’t try to drive, did I?”
There is a difference between playing stupid and being stupid. I’m not sure exactly which I’m doing right now, but I’m fairly sure it’s somewhere in between the two.
“You don’t have a car,” he says.
Oh, just let me off the hook, will you? I’ve done really well pretending like I don’t hear every tiny, disgusting noise coming out of your room. The least you can do is just let me act like I never came onto you.
He never mentioned any special skill in reading minds, but I’m hoping that the force with which I put those thoughts through my head is sufficient to communicate my meaning.
He laughs quietly.
“Got ya,” he says. “No, you didn’t do anything too far off the reservation. Although…”
Oh, just kill me.
“It’s kind of silly,” he says.
“What?” I ask.
We may as well get it over with.
Let the mocking begin.
“You were eating peanut butter out of the jar with your hands,” he laughs.
All right, I guess no one has to kill me. Call off the hit.
“Really?” I ask. I remember the incident, but only vaguely. Pretty much the clearest portion of the evening involved me trying to—oh my God. I dropped my pants and asked him if I have a big butt.
“Yeah,” he says. “I had a hell of a time cleaning it up this morning. Never mind trying to help you clean your hands. You weren’t very cooperative.”
I laugh. Ah, relief, sweet relief.
There’s no doubt
he remembers everything, but we’re not talking about it, and every synapse in my brain is focused on the concept that that’s good enough.
“Really?” I ask.
I know I’m just repeating myself, but I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what might make him bring up the impromptu mooning.
“Yeah,” he says. “It was like trying to herd cats into a bathtub.”
“That’s,” I snort. I’m pointing now. Why am I pointing? Crap, I still haven’t finished my sentence. “Hilarious,” I say. “That is hilarious: herding cats into a bathtub.”
I’m laughing way too loudly, and he’s just standing there looking at me. If I close my mouth, I don’t know what’s going to happen, so I just continue to make things awkward on my own terms.
“Yeah,” he says. “Well, I’ve got to go to work.”
“Oh, yeah,” I say. “Do you know when your last day is going to be?”
“I thought you didn’t remember anything from last night.”
I should have just kept laughing. “What do you mean?” I ask, dumbly. “You told me they were letting you go a while ago.”
Come on, Dane, let’s not make this worse than it already is. Just keep playing along. You know it’s the right thing to do.
“Oh,” he says mercifully, “I guess I forgot that I mentioned it. Actually,” he smiles, “I’ve been really nervous to talk to you about it. I think that’s why I let it slip last night while you were drunk.”
“Yeah,” I tell him, “you already told me. Good memory there, chief.”
Leila, don’t push it.
“Right back at ya,” he says.
The smiles slowly fade off both our faces and it’s a lot longer than it should be before I realize I’m still standing in his doorway, not saying anything.
“So, yeah,” he says. “I should probably get going. Boss doesn’t like it when I’m late.”
“All right,” I say. “Go get ‘em, sport.”
Oh, what the hell are you doing to me?
“Right,” he says.
Now he’s just standing there. I thought he said he was leaving.
“Leila?”
“Yeah?” I ask, popping my lips for some absolutely unknown reason.
“I work outside my room.”
“You’re kind of a weird guy,” I respond.
“Yeah,” he says. “You’re standing in my doorway.”
“Oh,” I say, and move with all the grace and majesty of a giraffe on a tilt-a-whirl.
To further embarrass myself, as I seem to be incapable of doing anything else in the world right now, I give him the “You may pass” gesture, or whatever it’s called, and he can’t possibly get out of the room quick enough.
“Yeah, well, you have a good night, Leila,” he says. “Maybe dial it back a little on the sauce.”
“You betcha!”
Who am I right now?
He doesn’t say anything else on his way out.
Maybe that should have been my strategy: silence.
The door to the apartment opens and closes, and I’m smacking my forehead with both palms. The action doesn’t last more than a couple of seconds, as my hangover rises from its grave to punch me right in the prefrontal cortex. So, now I’ve gone from smacking my forehead to cradling it.
“Are you okay?”
The sound that comes out of me is some kind of mix between a scream, a squeak, and a sneeze.
“I thought you were gone,” I say.
Good move. You’re really making it better now.
“I forgot my keys,” he says.
He’d opened the door, remembered to grab his keys, and closed it.
Great detective work, Leila. You’re an inspiration.
“Ah,” I say. “I do that all the time.”
“Really?” he asks. “I don’t think I’ve ever known you to forget your keys.”
“Will you just grab your keys and get the hell out of here?” I ask.
Shock adequately describes the look on his face.
“I mean, you’ve got to be running late,” I say.
“Right,” he says.
With that, I just give up and turn toward my own door. I open it and close it with myself on the other side, imagining a utopian scenario when I’d just done that after spending a much more reasonable amount of time in the bathroom, not bothering to say a word or even look at him once.
Ah, the joy of fantasy.
* * *
Call it masochism, call it stupidity, call it an insatiable craving for confit de canard, but I’ve been at this table in l’Iris for over an hour, and I think Mike is starting to tire of just sitting here.
“Okay, what’s going on?”
“What?” I ask.
“You’ve hardly talked to me at all,” Mike says. “You just keep looking around the restaurant. Are we on a stakeout or something?”
His expression turns serious.
“Are you a spy?”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Are you a cop? If you’re a cop, you have to tell me. It’s the law.”
“I’m not a cop and that’s not a law anywhere. Do you have any idea how many morons have walked right into a sting because they thought cops weren’t allowed to lie? How do you think they get confessions?”
“So,” he says, “if cops can lie about being cops, then you’re saying you actually are a cop.”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake…”
He smiles.
“Why are we really here?”
“I told you about the confit de canard. It was delicious wasn’t it?”
“Leila, I swear to God, you’ve got to stop calling it that,” he says. “Just call it candied duck. You’re not French.”
“Whatever,” I tell him, dismissively waving my hand.
“See?” he says incredulously.
“What?” I ask, sipping my virgin tequila sunrise. Without the tequila, do I just call it a sunrise?
“Why are we really here? It’s not for the duck.”
“Canard,” I say, not deigning to dignify him any more by actually looking at him while I’m talking.
“Leila.”
“Fine,” I tell him. “I heard Dane on the phone making a date to come to this restaurant.”
“So what?”
“I just want to know if he’s two-timing what’s-her-name.”
“Wrigley,” Mike says. “Why do you care?”
“Mike,” I start.
I don’t know where to go from there.
“Yes?”
“How are things at work?”
“Skillful,” he says. “Things at work are fine. Why are we spying on your roommate?”
“I just want to know,” I tell him. “Isn’t that enough? I’ve lived with the guy for over a month, and I really don’t know anything about him other than the fact that he’s not really a musician.”
“How do you know that?”
“Have you ever met a musician who doesn’t subject you to their dreadful caterwauling on a daily basis?”
“Come to think of it,” he says, smiling, “I don’t think I have.”
“I’ve never heard him play or sing. I want to know what’s going on. He told me last night that he’s losing his job, whatever that actually is—besides, if he was making $120,000 a year as a musician, wouldn’t I have heard of him?”
“I don’t think you’re the musical aesthete you think you are,” Mike says.
“Whatever. Just help me keep an eye out.”
With the wicked smile that climbs up Mike’s face, I know I’ve made a mistake asking the favor.
“Don’t embarrass me,” I tell him.
“From the sound of it, you don’t really need my help in that area.”
“What are you doing?” I ask him.
What he’s doing is holding up his spoon and using it as a crude mirror to look over his shoulder at the people behind him.
“I’m helping you spy on your boyfriend.”
/> “He’s not my boyfriend,” I snap.
Mike just smiles that adolescent smile of his, and I’m starting to regret inviting him along.
Our waiter, a man with very little patience and a thick English accent, approaches.
“Will you be requiring anything else this evening?” he asks.
“I have a question,” Mike says, alternating eyes as he continues to pretend like he’s doing something useful with the spoon in his hand.
The waiter lets out a sigh. This isn’t Mike’s first question of the evening.
“Yes?” the waiter asks.
“Why a French restaurant?” Mike asks.
“What do you mean, sir?”
“Mike, leave the man alone,” I say, trying to get my oldest and dearest friend to stop being a jackass.
“Well,” Mike starts, “you have quite the British accent.”
“Yes, sir,” the waiter answers.
“So, why work in a French restaurant? Aren’t there any good English restaurants in the city?”
“Will you be requiring anything else this evening, madam?” the waiter asks, doing his best to ignore Mike’s idiocy.
“No, I think that will be all,” I tell him. “I do apologize for my companion. He doesn’t get out much in proper society.”
“I will have you know,” Mike butts in, “that I have personally attended many a silent auction where I have placed bids alongside many of New York’s cultural elite.”
I’m starting to wonder if our food came to the table clean.
“Yes,” the waiter says, “well. If there’s nothing else.”
I take one more look around.
The waiter’s going to kick us out if we don’t leave soon, and Dane is nowhere to be found.
“Actually,” I start, “if you don’t mind, I’d like to compliment the chef. I’ve only had confit de canard like that once before in my life.”
“Very good, madam,” the waiter says. “Perhaps your friend can fetch your coats while I take you back.”
He glares at Mike, and I’m having a little trouble keeping a straight face. I get up from the table and lead the waiter away before someone throws a punch.
When we get to the kitchen, the waiter asks me to wait outside. He’s not in there for five seconds before I can hear the chef yelling at him.
The waiter comes out, saying, “The chef will see you now, but I’d make it quick.”
