There would be no protecting myself with you. I’d get hurt.
I STOPPED WRITING and re-read it. I stared out my window at the city skyline and watched the lights dance along the horizon. There was no reason to keep thinking about my kiss with Clark. No reason to continue fantasizing what couldn’t and shouldn’t happen between us. Not to mention Tina was waiting at the door for us, well, really for Clark. She had eyed me warily as if I were the enemy and then turned her sweet attention to Clark. I could tell he was nervous and felt terrible for me. I didn’t want his sympathy. What we shared, our kiss, was needed. It was almost as if he were replacing the pain my uncle caused with something sweet to take it away. Something I could hold on to so that eventually one day, some man out there would be so tender with me after what I’d been through.
I could tell he felt guilty, but I wasn’t sure if it was because he’d kissed another woman when Tina had been downstairs waiting for him or because it was with me. Whatever the reason, I tried not to let on that I was bothered or affected by it at all. I hoped that would give him some reprieve. It did. It wasn’t too long that he let Tina lead him into his bedroom for their one night to reunite.
And that left me sitting at my desk, writing to him—the guy who is having sex with his part-time girlfriend after I just told him one of the biggest secrets of my life.
It was one of those moments where a drink really would really taste delicious. Clark was holed up in his bedroom giving Tina what she wanted and here I sat depressed, wishing I were with him instead. The bar was right downstairs and would be easy to get to since my babysitter was preoccupied.
My heart pounded in anticipation as I stood up to leave. I reached for my doorknob when I heard my phone ringing with a text.
Vanessa: Matt just left town. Can you come over and watch a movie with me?
Choices. I wanted a drink right now so bad I could feel my tongue going numb. I stood there on the brink, debating. It would be just one and then I’d head over to Vanessa’s. Just one. But I knew that wasn’t what would happen. I looked at my doorframe and noticed the splintered wood. I closed my eyes and pictured how it got that way.
Tonight I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t go looking for a way to numb the pain. I left my purse and grabbed my keys from the bowl by the door to go across the hall and watch a movie with my best friend.
I SAT at our table listening to the banter between our little group. It filled me with a sense of belonging and love. And sitting next to Clark wasn’t too bad either. He kept his teasing comments and his hands to himself, well, for the most part. The occasional brush of his leg against mine gave me small shivers. Maybe I just needed the touch of a man. I haven’t had sex in so long.
It had been days since our rooftop kiss and since I made the right choice not to drink over a guy and chose instead to be with my best friend. It wound up being the best decision. We had a real heart to heart and I told her about my uncle too. Letting her in on my secret felt better than downing any bottle of whiskey.
I also told her I really screwed up at that bar and was almost raped by two guys. Lucky for me, there were many more women who came forward and both of the jerks plead guilty. Vanessa may have scolded me just a little on that one. Not to mention how lucky I was to have escaped that.
“So then the guy came in and was asking for a drink that would be some aphrodisiac for a girl. I told him if he figures that out to let me know and I’d sell them like dildos in Vegas,” Izzy told the table as she laughed and took a drink from her water glass.
“He was just trying to get in your pants, Iz,” Clark piped up, laughing.
Z looked over and nodded his head. He gestured with his beer bottle toward Clark as he agreed, “Exactly. That’s what I told her.”
Izzy rolled her eyes and laughed. “Yeah, well you always say that about any guy, so I no longer believe you when you say that.”
Matt and Vanessa came strolling in late as always. I watched her cheeks flush as Clark made his usual crude comment to them while they took their seats. “The least you guys could do is be less obvious about how much sex you have.”
Matt gave Clark a casual glare with that eyebrow thing he does. God, that man is so sexy. All of these guys are, actually, I realized as I looked around our table. Clark especially with his scruff, black-framed glasses and messed up hair. The nerdy thing he has going on is really hot. I sighed deeply, enjoying our little group and realized how lucky I was to have friends like them. And to still be alive.
Content. I felt content sitting here with this group, like it was a cozy blanket wrapped around me, keeping me safe, secure and loved. Not one of them had ever made me feel like an outsider. Although there had been times I didn’t feel worthy of their friendship. But that’s just a personal problem, not something they need to know or care about.
I felt Vanessa touch my thigh and I looked over to her. She gave me her warm smile and raised her brows. I nodded knowing she was asking if I was all right. I must have looked like I was in another world. I was.
“…And then he said he wants to change the doorframe to this Italian style. I told him that would create a whole different look to the house that he said he didn’t want to begin with.” Flynn was telling some story about a client he had. I watched Mel roll her eyes as she glanced at Izzy sitting next to her.
Tingles shot through me straight to my core as I felt Clark’s hand wrap around my thigh and squeeze. My heart also responded with rapid successions of thumps. At first, I thought it was normal “Clark” style wanting to cop a feel, but then his hand patted my thigh lightly and went back to grab his beer. He tipped it at me and mouthed, “Are you okay?” I nodded because I was okay. Better than okay, actually. God, the feeling he gave me was fantastic and I quickly inhaled to calm myself.
“Why do I feel like we’re misfits at this high-class restaurant? Who picked out tonight’s place to have a nice dinner?” Clark’s question irked everyone at the table immediately and for some reason, it made me chuckle. Maybe he enjoyed making sure everyone is always annoyed with him for some strange reason.
All eyes turned to Vanessa, her cheeks now fully reddened. “I just thought it would be nice if Izzy didn’t have to cook tonight. She’s always making such incredible meals that I thought we could do something for her in return.”
Matt wrapped his arms around her and kissed her cheek. “It was a great idea, Vanessa.” Everyone else chimed in to help Vanessa feel better about the choice of restaurants as our usual conversation continued.
After our appetizers had been served, I excused myself to the restroom. As I started walking back to our table, I glanced around the room and stopped dead in my tracks. My heart throbbed in pain and my mouth became as dry as the dessert. I felt like I couldn’t breath as I stared at the beautiful man, shocked that he was here in my city. What was Gregory doing up here? What was he doing with the gorgeous woman with beautiful long blonde hair? I didn’t recognize her at all from when we were together.
I felt all the air leave my lungs when I watched her hand lift to take a drink from her wine glass. The sparkle of an engagement ring that adorned her finger seemed to light up the whole room. Oh God. He’s engaged. The reasonable side of me attempted to justify that she was possibly just a friend who happened to be engaged. There had to be some explanation other than she was his new fiancée.
I couldn’t move. My feet were stuck as if they were cemented in place by some weird force. I watched while he leaned over and grabbed her hand, smiling at her. He was happy with her? Why? What did she have that I didn’t? Suddenly my feet began to move of their own accord, as if the cement were magically removed and guided me over to his table.
His clean-shaven face that I had once adored turned toward me. His expression fell immediately as he watched me approach the table. I stood there staring as his Adam’s apple bobbed quickly to swallow. He was nervous. Because of me.
My heart raced, unsure of what I was going to say to him. The last time I’
d seen him was one of the worst days of my life. A day when I’d felt like I’d been cast aside like a whore. The only words I had heard him speak since then were on the phone after when he told me never to call him again.
“Aubrey. What a surprise to see you.” It was odd to see him so visibly shaken. He had always seemed so in control. His eyes darted back and forth between his date and me.
“I…I live here, in this city. Who’s she?” I asked before thinking.
“I…well, this is Carissa,” he told me as his eyes flicked back to her and forced a smile. Carissa. Even her name was beautiful. I swallowed and tried to stop my mouth from saying anything else while he quickly introduced me to…Carissa. “Carissa, this is Aubrey, my friend from college. Remember I told you all about the stuff we used to get into?” I glanced over at her, her face lit up with recognition. He had told her about me? He hadn’t mentioned anything about her to me. Ever. How long had he known her?
Without thinking I reached out to her hand and touched her gorgeous ring. It was the same ring that had adorned my finger not too long ago when I was his fiancée. When I pretended to play his wife-to-be. When I enjoyed our little charade. I swallowed hard trying to force back the tears that threatened. I began feeling like I was about to lose it as I tried to reign in my breaths.
“Isn’t it a gorgeous ring?” Carissa smiled up at me as my thumb ran over the smooth top of the emerald cut.
“It’s lovely. Very beautiful,” I choked out.
“Aubrey, are you here with friends?” Gregory asked with a lilt to his voice, hopeful that I was going to leave soon. Had he told her he was going to marry me? Had he told her this was my ring? Only a stupid man would do that, I realized as Carissa withdrew her hand from mine.
I smiled to Carissa before returning my gaze to Gregory. I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep my stupid tears at bay. I swallowed hard before answering, “Yes, I’m here. Here with friends.” I felt someone behind me at that moment.
“Gregs! Great to see you again, man!” Clark made sure his voice was loud, boisterous and filled with fake enthusiasm. Then he reached out and slapped Gregory on his back in the same manner. Gregory’s distaste for him was obvious as he placed a forced smile on his face. He was putting on a show in front of his lovely fiancée.
She doesn’t know about me, I realized as I continued to glance back and forth. Everyone’s eyes were doing the same bouncing between the others as silence surrounded our little world.
I felt Clark’s arm swing over my shoulder as he squeezed me tightly to him. For some reason, the relief of having him with me at this moment was both odd and extremely comforting.
“Clark,” Gregory acknowledged him with a tight voice. “I see you’re still following her around.” He tried to make a small joke, which I knew would not go over very well with Clark.
“And I see the black eye I gave you has healed up nicely. Too bad your fat lip is still the same. Oh wait, that’s just how fucked up your mouth is,” Clark crudely spat back. Gregory started to stand up, but Carissa turned to Clark.
“I’m sorry, we haven’t met. I’m Carissa. Gregory’s fiancée.”
“Fiancée, huh?” Clark reached over to take her hand, running his thumb over her ring. “Wow. Congratulations. Boy, you sure move quick, Gregs,” Clark spat out with a smugness to his voice that couldn’t be missed.
“Move quick?” Carissa asked as her eyes darted from Gregory’s to mine and then to Clark’s again. Gregory quickly stood as he touched Clark’s arm lightly, obviously trying not to cause a scene.
“I’m sure you two need to get back to your table.” His glare pinned to my eyes as he directed me. “Aubrey, I’m sure that you want to get back to your friends.” He had a small tight smile and tilted his head toward the opposite direction of the restaurant. I swallowed feeling the anxious pressure from his glare. That gaze used to turn me into a puddle, right now it felt as if it were crushing my insides. The disappointment was overwhelming and I felt my bottom lip start to tremble.
Married. He’s getting married.
And not to me.
Clark’s arm graced my shoulders again as he turned me to walk back to our table. “Come on, Aub. I’m sure Gregs wants to talk to Carissa about how great it is to be married. I’m sure getting engaged the second time won’t be as great as the first.” He pushed me to move my feet, walking us back to our table as I overheard in the distance Carissa asking what Clark was talking about. My stomach rolled just thinking how I no longer held my title as his fiancée.
“You feeling all right? You look kind of pale,” Clark whispered to me right before we sat back down.
I felt it too. I felt like any life I had left was draining from my body. My mouth became more dry as I felt bile starting to rise. I tried to nonchalantly pick up my water glass, but it caught on my plate and some of the water spilled onto it. Vanessa’s head whipped toward mine.
“Are you all right?” She asked as she grabbed her napkin and began to dab at the water on my empty butter plate. I was just thankful that my food hadn’t arrived yet. I debated how to answer Vanessa. She had no idea what had just happened. Clark did though, which made me a little nervous he would say something if I left.
My eyes caught his and reassured me. I swallowed and turned back to Vanessa, noticing that everyone around the table was now staring at me, waiting for what I would say next.
I couldn’t stop shaking and I felt like the tears were about to spill over. “I…I actually am feeling a bit sick. I think I’m going to head home, if you don’t mind.” I turned toward Izzy. “I’m so very sorry, Izzy. I’ll make it up to you,” I apologized and began to stand, barely meeting her eyes.
“Of course, Aubrey. I hope you feel better. Do you want me to walk you back?” I quickly shook my head.
“No…”
“I’ll walk her back, guys. No need to worry,” Clark interrupted me, surprising all of us at the table. I met his eyes and he shrugged quickly.
“You don’t need to walk me back, Clark. You can stay and enjoy dinner.”
“Yeah, I wasn’t too hungry, actually.” I met Vanessa’s gaze, laden with worry and mixed with slight shock at Clark. She touched my hand and I gave her a meek smile.
“I’ll be all right. I just need some air.” She nodded knowing I didn’t like to be babied. Clark leaving with me was annoying enough. I didn’t want any other sympathy. I quickly grabbed my purse and stood to leave.
Vanessa stood up too as Clark reassured her he would take care of me. Everyone was so concerned, which only added a layer of guilt to what I was feeling. I could barely look up at her and started to panic when I realized that she might see Gre...
“Oh my God!” She whipped her head and looked back at me. I froze as she leaned forward and whispered excitedly, “Gregory DuBois is here! We haven’t seen him since college.” Her smile was broad and her eyes were thrilled to see our old friend from college. My ex-fiancé. I felt sick as I felt my pulse race with panic.
Matt turned around to follow her gaze. “Old boyfriend of yours?” She smirked back at him.
“No. He was actually like our third wheel sometimes, right Aubrey?” She didn’t bother waiting for an answer for me because she was so excited. “Remember how we both used to have a huge crush on him? Well, mine was probably bigger,” she laughed when she said that. “Want to walk over with me to go say hi?” She didn’t bother waiting for my answer as she continued talking. “Look at the woman sitting with him. Wow. She’s quite beautiful. I wonder if he’s married now.” She looked back again. “Aubrey, let’s go say hi.”
“I can’t. I’m really not feeling well.” Especially now. She pouted her lips and gave me a sad expression. She hugged me tight as I swallowed hard, not wanting to know if Gregory tells her or not.
“I hope you feel better.” I nodded into her shoulder and turned to leave before she could see the expression on my face.
My stomach churned with a mixture of the sadness and pani
c that Vanessa will find out that I was engaged to Gregory. I waved slightly as I made a mad dash to leave. I felt Clark right on my heel and as I approached the door, rushing ahead to swing it open for me.
“What was that back there?”
I sniffled and swallowed hard to get the lump in my throat to go down. “What was what?” I asked as I kept walking, stuffing my arms into my trench coat. Clark grabbed the other side of my coat to help me as I squirmed my arm into the sleeve. I shrugged my coat over my shoulders and pulled the collar closer, as if that would conceal what I was feeling. I always seem to feel so naked around Clark. I’m sure he’d prefer that actually.
“Seeing your fiancé back there.”
“He’s not my fiancé anymore,” I snapped.
“That doesn’t answer why you reacted that way back there.”
As glad as I was that Clark was accompanying me home, I was completely annoyed with his questions. I was too overwhelmed from seeing Gregory—the man I’d thought would be my husband. Was I was bothered by the idea of wanting to be married or the idea of being married to Gregory that I had wanted so badly?
“Knock it off, okay? Just stop trying to figure everything out. It is what it is with him. I screwed up and now it’s over.” My voice cracked at the end. I continued to try to walk, but Clark grabbed my arm and spun me to face him.
“It’s not okay, Aub. It’s not that simple so quit trying to make it like that.” The feel of his fingers under my chin warmed me as he tilted my head so he could look me in the eye. Even though his voice was soft, I could still hear every word over the noises coming from the traffic nearby. “Were you in love with him?” The intensity in his brown eyes softened. “Are you still?”
I swallowed and tried to keep the tears from coming as I shook a stray hair from my eyes. “No, he’s a good friend and I’m thrilled for him, okay?”
Alluring Promises Box Set (Books 1-3) Page 111
