by Hamel, B. B.
I hated myself for a while. I hated that I wished he were dead and I hated that I missed him so much, and I hated that I didn’t try to save him from whatever it was that took him away. I knew that was crazy and there was probably nothing I could have done, but I still tortured myself to no end about it.
Because it was Camden. He was a mess and he was angry at the world for failing to live up to his expectations, but he was beautiful and smart and funny, and he was gone.
Which was what made sitting in a car with him feel so strange. It was him, but it also wasn’t the same guy that left me. He was all that and so much more.
We drove in silence for most of the day. I was still so angry and confused that the idea of small talk almost physically repulsed me, and he didn’t seem like he was going to try to drum up conversation anytime soon. That was fine, but typical Camden.
“Where are we?” I asked a few hours into the trip.
He checked a sign. “Somewhere in North Dakota, I think.”
“You think?”
“I’m not exactly using a GPS.”
“You do know where we’re going, right?”
He grinned at me. “We’re going north to Juneau.”
“Yeah, but, I mean, the roads we’re taking.”
“I have a map.”
I gaped at him. “You seriously don’t know, do you?”
He laughed. “Relax. I have the route generally planned out. It’s more or less the same road until we hit Washington, anyway.”
I shook my head and looked away as the night wore on. We stopped and got cheap food at a little deli right off the highway, but he insisted on eating in the car. We kept moving, pushing the speed limit every once in a while but not driving recklessly.
We were, after all, driving across the country in a stolen vehicle. While it was true, that thought didn’t make me feel anything. Frankly, I was beginning to get used to accepting hard truths and moving on from them. Maybe I was getting harder and tougher, too.
By the time Camden signaled that we were stopping for the night, my bladder was full and my legs ached. I was shocked by how tired I could get sitting in a car for hours at a time with nothing to do but listen to crappy music on the radio, but it really took a lot out of me.
My back ached as Camden pulled into the parking lot of an old, beat-up motel. I got out and stretched, looking at its dismal façade.
“This is the worst one so far,” I said.
“Yeah. It’s pretty ratty.”
“Why don’t we find somewhere else?”
“Because it’s almost midnight and we’ve been driving for something like twelve hours.”
“Fair enough.”
“By the way,” he said, tossing me my bag, “we need to ditch this car and get another.”
“Why?”
“Been driving in it too long. Cops could be looking for it, or the cartel could be tracking it.”
“How would the cartel track it?”
“They have more resources than you’d think.”
Without another word he stalked off toward the front office and I followed in his wake. Another pronouncement from Lord Camden. I’d either fall in line or else. I wasn’t sure he really cared if I believed him or wanted to follow him so long as I did it anyway.
“Room for the night?” the clerk asked us as we walked in. He was young, maybe our age or younger, but pretty overweight. A small TV in the corner was playing anime.
“Just tonight,” Camden grunted.
“Got two rooms left.”
“We’ll take the cheaper.”
“Both cheap.”
Camden paid up front and got the key from the night clerk kid. He gave me a little nod as we went to leave but quickly looked back to the TV.
We walked toward the back of the building and up a flight of stairs, unlocking the door. Camden pushed it open, turned on the light, and started laughing.
I looked inside.
“Hell no,” I said.
“You want to go ask for another?”
I stormed out, back toward the office. The kid looked surprised to see me again, like he had forgotten we existed. Probably a good policy in a place like this.
“You guys have anything else?”
“Just the one other room.”
“We’ll take it.”
He shrugged. “You can if you want, but it’s exactly the same.”
I groaned. “Come on, seriously? Anything but that.”
He looked utterly bewildered and shrugged again. “I’m sorry. We’re all full up.”
I left the front office with a huff, not bothering to look back. I walked back up the stairs, stormed into the room, and sat down on the one single queen bed.
“You’re on the floor,” I said.
“Hold on now,” he called out from the bathroom. “Why are you making the decisions?”
“Because I’m the girl.”
He leaned up against the doorframe and grinned at me. I looked up and my mouth nearly dropped open. He was shirtless, and his muscles were perfectly defined in the fluorescent motel light. I could make out a few scars along his side and his chest, and my staring only made him smile bigger.
“I never said I was a gentleman.”
“I know you’re not.” I looked away from his shirtless torso, realizing I was starting to breathe a little heavily.
“Come on. It’s a big bed. I don’t bite.”
“I do.”
“I wouldn’t mind that.”
“No. You’re on the floor.”
“You sure? Gets pretty lonely on the road, you know.”
“Save it.”
“Sometimes it’s nice to have a warm body to cuddle up against.”
“Cuddle up against your own hand.”
He smirked and crossed his arms. I bit my lip and looked away as the image of his perfectly sculpted body pressed up against mine came to me completely unbidden. In that moment, I remembered all the times his mouth worked my soaking clit, all the times he made me come as if by magic.
But that was years ago. Well before he ruined our life. We were both very, very different people.
“Put a shirt on,” I mumbled, pulling up the covers and climbing into bed.
He laughed again and disappeared back into the bathroom and started to brush his teeth. I felt my cheeks get red and I decided to turn on the TV to try to distract myself from the thought of his body.
In the end, he made sure the door was locked, grabbed a blanket and a pillow off the bed, and slept on the floor. I tried not to dream about his lips, his mouth, his fingers along my spine making my back arch.
I woke up to the sound of the door closing.
It was early and light streamed in through the large windows. I grumbled as I sat up and looked around the half-lit room. For a second, I wasn’t sure where I was or what I was doing there, but quickly it all came crashing down on me.
Another day on the road. Another day stuck doing nothing in a car as I was torn away from my old life mile by mile.
“Rise and shine, princess.”
I looked over at the small table near the door and watched as Camden set up two coffee cups, two bagels, and some cream cheese spread.
“What’s that?”
“Breakfast.”
“Where’d you get it from?”
“Down the road.”
“What about the new car?”
He laughed. “You’re full of questions this morning.” He gestured at the food. “Coffee and bagels first. Come and get it.”
“Thanks,” I said. I climbed out of bed and walked over, sitting down at the table across from him. He took a large swallow of coffee and I sipped mine tentatively. It tasted amazing, bitter and strong and hot, and woke me up instantly.
“What’s the plan for today?” I asked him.
“Same thing we do every day. Try and take over the world.”
I stared at him for a second. “Was that a ‘Pinky and the Brain’ reference?”
“Sure was.”
“I’m the Brain.”
He laughed and took another sip of coffee. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
I nodded triumphantly and nibbled at my bagel. “Seriously, how long were you gone for?”
“Not long. I procured us a new car and everything, though.”
“Productive morning.”
“I figured I’d let you sleep.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem. You looked like such an angel sleeping soundly.”
“Creep. Don’t watch me sleep.”
“Hard not to when you’re snoring so loudly.”
I laughed. “I thought I was an angel.” I paused, frowning. “Do I really snore?”
“Like a lawn mower.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s fine. I actually don’t mind it. It’s too quiet out here.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I agree.”
“Mexico City was loud. Always stuff going on, always street vendors open. Some of the best damn food in the world is on the streets of Mexico.”
“Really? It doesn’t make you sick?”
“Not at all. I mean, at first a little bit, but it’s incredible.”
“What about the water?”
“You get used to that, too.”
“Must have been hard.”
“It was pretty hard. But everything is hard at first.”
I wasn’t sure why I was buying into his bullshit, but I suddenly felt bad for him. I couldn’t imagine being alone in a new city, let alone in a city where I didn’t speak the language. Clearly he adapted, but those first few weeks must have been hell.
“Why did you leave us, Camden?” I asked finally after some silence.
“I thought you were too pissed off to care.”
“I am, but since we’re talking you might as well tell me.”
“Got caught stealing cars, but I think you knew that already.”
“I figured. But why run away? Why not just do the time?”
He smiled to himself and took a bite of his bagel to cover it up.
“That’s pretty smart.”
“Thanks. So are you just afraid of jail or what?”
“No,” he said slowly, shaking his head. “But I am afraid of violent gangs.”
“Seems to be your thing.”
“Yeah, well. I’ve been unlucky like that, I guess.” He sighed. “Apparently, I stole cars from some local gang’s turf, and they wanted to kill me to prove how hard they were. I decided I’d rather live than die shanked in a jail cell.”
We lapsed into silence again and I sipped my coffee some more. I still was having trouble seeing Camden working with gangsters, especially the Camden I used to know. This new man, this dangerous man, he was something else. He was hardened by a life of crime.
“Why didn’t you just run from Mexico?” I asked. “Why join the cartels?”
“You don’t know what it was like down there,” he said softly.
I sighed, frustrated. I could tell he wasn’t lying to me, but the truth was just so unsatisfying. There had to be something else, something I didn’t know yet.
Or else maybe it really was that simple. Maybe Camden really did just get unlucky. He never meant to bring the Mexicans down on us. He was a victim, in some ways. He was also being chased by violent criminals, though he kept being so frustratingly vague about what actually happened.
But it was also his choice to steal cars and to run away to Mexico to begin with. He had a comfortable life in Hammond. He didn’t have to throw it all away for a thrill.
Conflicted, I finished off my coffee and went to brush my teeth. Being around him was one wave of emotion after another. One second I wanted to run my fingers down his perfect abs, and the next I wanted to punch him as hard as I could.
Once I was finished, I saw that Camden had already packed our things. Wordlessly, we headed out into the parking lot, got into our new car, and hit the road again.
Four hours later and I could barely take it anymore. I had spent the last few days in a car doing absolutely nothing but watching the miles pass by. There was so much to do and see, thousands of amazing things just passing us by, and yet we were too busy running from a drug cartel.
Still, we hadn’t even seen the Mexicans. I wasn’t entirely sure they were real, though the look on my dad’s face kept running through my mind.
“Let’s do something,” I said suddenly, not sure what I was doing.
“This not fun enough for you?”
“Believe it or not, but driving for hours on end every single day isn’t exactly the most exciting activity in the world.”
He grinned and shook his head. “Come on, just being near me should be exciting enough.”
“Camden, I’m serious. We need to stop and do something, just for a few minutes at least.”
“What do you want to do?”
I looked around and, as if by magic, a sign advertising something called Harpoon Gorge flashed by.
“Let’s stop there,” I said, pointing.
He glanced. “A gorge?”
“Yeah. It’ll be beautiful.”
“Since when are you the outdoorsy type?”
“Camden,” I said seriously. “Take me to that stupid gorge or I’ll scream.”
He laughed and then bit his lip, thinking. I felt a thrill run through my chest as I looked at his mouth, pursed in concentration.
“Okay, okay. Fine. We can stop for a few minutes,” he said finally.
“Great. Take me to the gorge.”
We drove for a few more minutes before exiting. The area was mostly scrub brush and large rocks, not quite a plain but not exactly mountainous, either. I’d never been in a place like it before as we drove farther, following signs. Ten minutes later, we saw a large banner advertising the gorge hung between two huge trees.
Camden drove up the bumpy gravel road. “Where the hell are we?” he muttered.
“Harpoon Gorge, duh!”
He laughed as we rounded a bend. The gorge appeared ahead of us, and it immediately took my breath away.
It was a canyon, not quite as big as the Grand Canyon, but still beautiful. The sides were sheer with plants and bushes clinging to the wall, somehow still able to grow despite gravity trying to pull them down.
We pulled over in a small parking lot. We were the only car around.
“Nobody here,” Camden commented.
“It’s beautiful,” I said.
He smiled and we climbed out. There was an observation deck overlooking the view, and it was absolutely amazing. The landscape spread out all around us, interrupted by the gorge itself. I leaned up against the rail and looked down at the bottom, at a small, slow-moving river winding away from us. Camden crossed his arms and took a deep breath.
“Not too bad,” he said.
“Better than the highway.”
“Yeah. I’ll give you that.”
After a second of silence, I looked up at him. He was staring out at the view with a strange look on his face.
“What are you thinking?” I asked.
“Nothing.”
“Come on. I promise not to yell at you for at least a few hours if you tell me.”
He smiled at me. “I was just thinking that I hope I can see something like this again soon.”
I bowed my head, biting my lip. “Tell me more about Mexico,” I said, changing the subject.
“What do you want to know?”
“Did you have any friends?”
“Mostly just Trip. The old man, that kid, and this stray dog.”
“You had a dog?”
He shook his head. “No. It was just a stray. I fed it sometimes, though. Seemed to like me.”
I smiled, imagining Camden feeding a dog. I moved closer to him, breathing in the crisp, clean air.
“I never took you for an animal person.”
“There’s lots you don’t know about me.”
“Oh really? I know you pr
etty well.”
“Maybe,” he said, nudging me. “I think I know you better, though.”
“Why’s that?”
“If I recall correctly, I got to know you pretty damn well.”
It took me a second to catch his tone. “Oh, this again?”
“I can’t help it. Looking at you brings back a lot of good memories.”
“Yeah,” I said, frowning at him, looking into his eyes. “It does, doesn’t it?”
“You’re absolutely fucking sexy, you know that?” he said, moving closer.
I took a deep breath, my heart hammering. “I’m sure you say that to all the señoritas.”
He smiled this smooth, cocky grin. “Only the ones that deserve it.”
“Why do you think I deserve it?”
“Because,” he said, inches away from me, “I know you, Lace. You’re good and strong and can hold a grudge like nobody else I know. You’re stubborn and sexy and smart.”
“Those are just words. What do they even mean?”
His face was so close to mine. I didn’t know what I was doing, but my mind was suddenly dizzy with him. Everything but the view and his body disappeared as his lips came closer. I wanted to put my hands on his chest and let his tongue touch my teeth, but I was frozen in place.
“I can show you what it means,” he said.
“Camden.”
His arms wrapped around me, pulling me tight against his body. I gasped as my heart did flips.
I wanted him. I always wanted him. I couldn’t get away from that fact no matter how hard I tried.
But he wasn’t telling me everything. And he had disappeared, tearing our family apart.
And he was my stepbrother.
“I can’t,” I said softly, turning my head and looking away.
“Are you sure?” he said, practically a whisper. I felt his warm breath against my face and breathed in his deep scent. Shivers ran down my spine.
“Not until you tell me what really happened down there.”
There was a moment where I thought he might. I saw something in his eyes, this strange yearning, or maybe a specific kind of desperation. Instead, he stiffened and moved away, and the moment passed between us.
“I told you,” he said, looking out over the gorge again. “I got lost. But I’m finding myself now.”
“Why do they want to kill you?”
“I betrayed them.”
