by Maggie Ryan
"You'd better start explaining and quick."
"He's vanilla, Troy. I give him credit. He didn't make fun of me. Hell, he even tried, but... damn, this is too weird to talk to my brother about."
Troy had been watching her carefully. He was a wise man. He thankfully put it together without her having to verbalize one of the more embarrassing events of her life. "He tried?"
"Twice. The first time wasn't a total disaster."
"That's good, isn't it?"
"The last night I was there was an epic failure on the scale of the Hindenburg... maybe the Titanic. I give him credit. He tried, but it just isn't going to work out, okay?"
"Did he tell you that? Have you talked to him?"
"Sure we talk. We text. Each day it's less and less. More strained. When I was there... before that last night... we talked so easily. Non-stop. Now, it's awkward. I know he’s just trying not to hurt my feelings."
"Maybe you should get on a plane and go back to talk it out with him."
"And then what? I'm positive he isn't going to move to Corbin's Bend so even if I would... compromise. Give up on having the kind of relationship I've always wanted, I'd still have to move to Chicago. I love it here. You and Hallie are my only family. This is where I belong and we both know it."
"I'm so sorry, Trace. What can I do?"
"Nothing. I just need to work through this. I only knew the guy for a week. I mean, surely I'll get over him soon. I just want to feel sorry for myself and bury myself in ice cream and romance novels this weekend. I'll be better by next week. I promise."
"It doesn't always work that way, Trace. Look at Hallie and me. I knew after barely meeting her that she was special. I've watched you as you talked about him. You really like this guy, don't you?"
"I do. That just isn't enough this time. We aren't you and Hallie. There isn't going to be a happily-ever-after."
"Well, shit."
"I'm gonna tell Hallie on you. You can't punish her for cussing if you're gonna keep doing it yourself. That's just not fair."
"Neither is what's happening to you, kiddo."
"Don't worry about me, Troy. Give me a weekend with Ben & Jerry and I'll be as good as new."
"You always did gorge yourself on ice cream when you were upset. Need me to run to the store for you?"
"Nope. I'm completely stocked up. Now head home and enjoy your weekend with your bride. I'll talk to you next week, okay?"
"I'll see you on Sunday. It's the 4th of July picnic, remember?"
Traci had completely forgotten about the big mid-summer blow out. She had no desire to go. "I'm gonna skip this year, Troy. You and Hallie have fun."
"I'll call you on Sunday and see if you've changed your mind. I'll leave now, but you have to promise me you'll call if you need to talk. Anytime. Day or night. Got it?"
"Got it. And, Troy... thanks."
Traci locked the door after her brother left and headed to the kitchen. The only thing that could distract her from raiding the freezer was the temptation to raid the wine rack. Four perfectly good bottles of wine awaited her. She picked up the first bottle and her heart lurched as she wondered what Sean might think of her grocery store wine specials.
At least I didn't buy the big 'ole box of wine by the gallon.
Traci opened the first bottle, not bothering to check its pedigree. She was only interested in one thing—getting plastered long enough to make her brain stop thinking of how much she missed Sean and his smiling grey eyes as he tickled her. She wanted to stop thinking about how she had foolishly allowed herself to wonder what it would be like with Sean and Ashley in her life.
She suspected she'd have to drink a lot to forget, but since she wasn't going to be out driving like she had the last time she over-indulged on her birthday, there was no harm done. She was alone. No one would even know.
"You need to cut out of here. Go pick up the phone and call her. Better yet, get your ass on a plane."
Sean hadn't been paying any attention. He glanced around the table where he'd just finished having dinner with several members of his leadership team. Where had everyone gone? Only the head of his security team remained.
"Where did everyone go?"
"They didn't want to disturb your meditation session. They said thanks for dinner and they'd see you next week."
Sean felt himself heating with embarrassment. It was bad enough that Ashley had been hounding him about zoning out. Now he'd made an ass of himself in front of his entire team. He should have canceled tonight.
Jimmy continued on as if he hadn't noticed his boss's discomfort. "I thought you were supposed to be going up to Wisconsin with the in-laws this weekend. Don't you usually go up to their cabin for the 4th of July holiday?"
"I sent Ashley with them. Her classes are finally over for the next two months. It'll be good for her to spend time with them away from the city."
"Away from her moping father, you mean."
"I'm not moping."
"Right. That's why you barely joined in the table conversation tonight. You could have just canceled, you know."
"We won property of the quarter again. That called for a celebration."
"Next time just buy us all a gift card."
"Ungrateful bastard."
"I just call it like I see it. Everyone else is gone. Want to talk about it?"
"Talk about what?"
"Don't you mean who? Traci, of course."
"What's to talk about? She's a beautiful, amazing woman..."
"And..."
"And she lives in Colorado. I live in Illinois. She's young. I'm old."
"You're only eight years older than her, Sean. That's a pretty lame excuse."
"She'll want kids. I already have kids."
"You have one kid. You do know you can have more than one these days, right?"
"Smart ass. It's complicated."
"What isn't? My ex-wife is married to my cousin and lives one door away from my new girlfriend. I think I have you beat in the complicated category." Jimmy's broad smile reminded Sean why they were friends.
"I made an ass of myself during her last night here. For the first time since we'd met it was... awkward. She tried to laugh it off, but... I'm not the right guy for her."
Jimmy looked uncomfortable with the turn in the conversation. "Well hell. It can happen to the best of us. Just tell her you drank too much wine. Maybe you need to see your doctor. They have pills for that shit, or so I'm told."
It took Sean a few seconds to put together what the hell his friend was insinuating. He should have been pissed, but he chuckled instead. "Close, but no cigar. I hope to hold off on the little blue pill prescription for a few more years."
"So, what? She find out you have a women's panty fetish or some other embarrassing shit?"
"I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this conversation. Last time I told you the secret that Patty and Peter were dating, the news spread like wildfire around here. I'd rather not have my dirty laundry aired for the staff."
"I resent that. Patty and Peter were caught red handed making out behind the bar at the Christmas party. I had nothing to do with spreading that rumor." Jimmy's faced turned red at Sean's accusation.
"Fine. Let's just say I'm not sure I'm man enough for Traci." At seeing his friend's confusion, Sean closed the subject. "Thanks for trying to cheer me up, but I'm going to be fine. She was a great distraction for a while. She got me off my ass and dating again. I just don't think it's going to work out for us."
"Well that sucks. You seemed so happy when she was around."
"I was happy when she was around. Like I said. It's complicated."
Jimmy stood. "So you said. I'm gonna head out. I need to go pick up the kids at the ex's and head over to my aunt's house to help her move some furniture because her no-good son, my cousin, is too busy bonking my ex-wife to go help his own mother. That, my friend, is what I call complicated. You have it easy. You just need to get your ass on a plane to go sort things out in
Colorado."
Sean never answered. He didn't know what he'd say, anyway. Jimmy left Sean alone at the large table with his own thoughts. He allowed his memory to drift to the last night Traci had been in town.
Why hadn't he just left the whole spanking topic alone? They had so many other things to work through in their fragile new relationship. But no, he'd had to try to prove to her that he could be the HoH she was looking for by delivering a maintenance spanking. All he'd managed to prove was that he didn't have what it took. He'd tried to be erotic and sexy. Instead, he'd been awkward... clumsy. He'd tried to show her he could lead her and then he'd folded at her first yelp... unable to continue at the first sign of possibly hurting her. She'd said it didn't matter, but they hadn't had enough time the next day to talk about it before her flight. Each conversation since she'd returned home had gotten progressively shorter and more distant. They would not need to break up. If he waited long enough, they would just fizzle into oblivion.
Sean relocated to his apartment after signing the check. It was quiet with Ashley gone. Why hadn’t he invited Traci to come back for the weekend? It was too late. She was supposed to be his rebound girl, anyway. Everyone knew you shouldn't get serious about the first person you date after a marriage ends. He hadn't been prepared to have such strong feelings for a woman he'd only just met. He didn't understand why he thought of her fifty times a day, or remembered the spark in her beautiful brown eyes as she talked about something she was passionate about. The sound of her giggles as he'd tickled her, or the look on her face when she had orgasmed with him buried deep inside her would pop into his memory all day.
I hate feeling like a love-sick teenager, unable to control my emotions.
He grabbed his laptop, hoping to distract himself by surfing for meaningless entertainment online. That didn't last long, since within minutes he'd pulled up a site dedicated to all things domestic discipline. He'd already poured over the blog posts and testimonials, trying to better understand what Traci was looking for in a relationship. The more he'd learned, the more he realized how badly he'd messed up their last night together. He had reread her research paper several times, highlighting key passages he wished he had the balls to call her and ask her about.
It was past midnight when Sean's cell phone rang. He quickly reached for it, worried something might be wrong with Ashley. He was surprised to see Traci's picture displayed on his screen. They had texted earlier that afternoon and he hadn't expected to hear from her again tonight. He almost let it roll to voicemail, not wanting to hear the same sadness in her voice he knew damn well he projected back at her.
He took a deep breath and pressed accept. "Hi there. It's getting late. I didn't think we were going to talk tonight."
"Sorry to disappoint you. It's only me."
"Are you kidding me? I was just sitting here thinking about you. I'm glad you called."
"Liar. I'm probly int'rupting a hot date. You can snap yur fingers and have a different woman in yur bed ev'ry night of the week."
"Traci Jackson. Are you drunk?"
Silence. "Traci? Answer me, sweetheart."
"I'm not yur sweetheart. I'm nobody's sweetheart." Sean heard the gut-wrenching sob at the end of her slurred response and his heart contracted as he recognized her pain.
"Ah, Tracy, baby. Why are you doing this to yourself? You should have called me hours ago and we could have talked."
"There's nothing to talk 'bout. Figures I'd fall for a guy who lives a gazillion miles away, and anyway, we both know we're doomed. I can't believe I hurt worse after this conference than last year's. I didn't think that was possible. I'm never going to another conference as long as I live."
"Now you're just being ridiculous. You were the hit of the week. Your presentation was awesome and well received. People were still talking about it days later."
"More like snickering about it days later."
"All right. What the hell has gotten into you? Where is this self-doubt coming from?"
"It's not self-doubt. It's fact. I'm as alone now as I was before I went to the conference, only now it's worse. I saw a glimpse of what I'm missing."
Guilt washed over Sean as he understood exactly where her head was. He knew he was responsible for ruining her hopes of a future with him by messing up so bad during their last night together. "Traci, honey, you're an amazing woman. You deserve the very best man to love you and take care of you." Sean let his regret of not being that man for her seep into his tone.
Her reply was a sobbing whoosh. "I don't want the very best man. I want you!" Her dam had broken as he listened to her sobbing. Sean would have given anything to be there to comfort her, yet as she continued on with her heartbroken rant, he found his anger rising that she was once again putting herself down. "I don't blame you, Sean. You live in the city and have hundreds of women available to you. I bet they are all strong, independent women who don't need an HoH. I don't blame you for not wanting to have to take care of me. I see that now. That's what I left out of my research. How much work it is to be in a DD relationship."
"Traci, I want to have this conversation with you, I really do, but not like this. You're slurring your words. You aren't even going to remember what we are saying tonight."
"The hell I won't. I remember everything you've ever said to me."
"Oh really? Do you remember me telling you how I wouldn't put up with you putting yourself down ever again? How if we were in a DD relationship, that would be my first rule. Do you remember that?"
Silence greeted him before her quiet reply. "I guess it's a good thing we aren't in a DD relationship then, isn't it?"
Sean didn't get a chance to respond before she dropped her phone. In the background he heard her throwing up. Her over-indulgence of alcohol had caught up with her. Sean's emotions were all over the place as he listened to her broken hearted sobs interspersed with her gagging dry heaves as she had nothing left to throw up. He wanted to comfort her and tell her how special she was, yet as the minutes dragged on, it became clearer to Sean just how much alcohol she had to have consumed to find herself in this condition. Fear invaded next. He hadn't asked her where she was. What if she planned on driving like this?
When the sound at the other end of the phone finally quieted, he waited for Traci to return to the call. After several minutes, he suspected she'd passed out and got his confirmation when he made out the sounds of Traci snoring in the distance.
Sean disconnected the call and sat in silence with his thoughts. It only took a short minute before he sprang into action. He grabbed his leather duffle bag from the closet and threw enough clothes and supplies into it to be away for a few days. The next three days were a long holiday weekend. The safe thing would be to head up to Wisconsin to spend it with his daughter, but he was tired of playing it safe. At the last minute, he grabbed Traci's research paper that had his highlights and questions, deciding it was time he got some answers.
Sean jumped in a cab and booked his flight to Denver from his smartphone on the way to the airport. After his airline ticket was booked, Sean resumed trying to call Traci. The unanswered calls did nothing to calm his nerves.
I'm on my way, Trace. I'm just not sure you're going to be happy to see me when I get there.
Chapter 7
Traci's head felt like it had been smashed with a sledgehammer. She made the mistake of trying to open her eyes, but when faced with the bright summer sun that filtered through the living room windows, she snapped them closed with a groan.
It took a few minutes of disorientation to piece together the disaster of the night before. As if she needed proof, she cracked her lids open enough to see the two empty wine bottles on the nearby coffee table. The stench of the contents of the trashcan – clearly not far enough away – was a too-real reminder of her stupidity the night before. As bad as she felt physically, she had a very bad feeling she'd called Sean and made a fool of herself, which brought on a wave of regret.
She lay face down on the
couch with her left arm dragging on the floor below. As she rolled to her back, she realized her left arm and hand had fallen asleep. Pins and needles pricked her entire left side, shooting well-deserved pain through her body. The shift in position brought a new wave of nausea.
I am an appallingly bad drinker.
The loud pounding on her front door made her head throb as if it were hit with a hammer. The several rounds of the doorbell ringing followed and added to her discomfort. She had no idea what time it was, but she knew she didn't have patients scheduled until after the holiday weekend. That meant it had to be her brother. Considering how he'd reacted the last time she got this drunk, there was no way she planned on opening the door. He had a key now so he could let himself in if he was really determined.
Traci was just about to doze off again when the pounding resumed. The urgency of the knocking forced her to an upright position. As much as she would hate having Troy see her like this, she needed to do whatever it took to make the noise stop. It was killing her head.
Once on her feet, she shuffled to the front door, not even taking the time to check who was on the other side of the wood panel before flinging it wide. Nothing could have prepared her for the sight that greeted her.
"Sean?"
"I'm happy you're sober enough to recognize me. I've been knocking for over fifteen minutes. I could see you passed out on the couch from the window. Now you come and open the door without even checking to see who it was? What if I was a robber or a rapist?"
"We're in Corbin's Bend. Nothing exciting ever happens in Corbin's Bend." The surprise of seeing Sean at her doorstep had nervous laughter accompanying her defensive response.
"This isn't a joke, Traci. And since when does having a robber or rapist at your door constitute excitement?"
Traci's reactions were sluggish, but she could feel the anger rolling off Sean as he stood on her front porch. She'd dreamed of this very scene since coming home from Chicago, although not once in her dreams were his grey eyes filled with anger. Her dream also hadn't pictured herself a disheveled mess like she was today. She shuffled her feet self-consciously as Sean examined every inch of her appearance before meeting her eyes again. There was only a brief second's warning of his intentions before he lunged across her threshold and grasped her upper arms in a firm grip, pulling her body tight against his chest.
