by Maggie Ryan
Curling her legs under her, she sat facing Jason on the couch. Reaching out, he took her hand in his, stroking it softly for a few moments. Resting her cheek on the cushion behind her, Melissa found herself relaxing into the easy silence between them. There seemed to be an unspoken agreement between them that it was okay to just breathe for a moment. Her body seemed to grasp the opportunity to exhale for the first time in days.
In the end, she was the first to break the silence. “So what’s this idea you have?” she asked, remaining relaxed in her position against the cushion.
Jason shifted forward so that he was facing her directly. “I’m pretty sure I know what you were trying to achieve tonight. I don’t necessarily agree with your methods, but I get it.” His face, while serious, was open. The flecks in his eyes changed from cobalt to a stormy blue gray. When he spoke again, his voice came out choked. “When I think of you under that whip, it kills me. I hate that you felt you had to go to a stranger to get what you thought you needed.” His Adam’s apple worked convulsively for several seconds. Melissa listened intently as Jason went on. “It concerns me that you mixed alcohol with a new bdsm experience. Even in the best circumstances both parties need to be sober before engaging in these types of activities.” Taking a deep breath, he let it out in a long exhale. “However, that, among other things is a topic for tomorrow. Right now, the only thing on my mind is how badly you’ve been suffering.”
Tears welled in her eyes blurring her vision. The feeling of being so fragile that the slightest thing might break her into a million pieces had plagued Melissa these last few days. If she merely breathed wrong, surely she would shatter. She sat in complete stillness waiting for what he would say next.
“First thing tomorrow we are going to call Dr. Yu. You can’t hide away from this thing expecting it to go away. The way things have been going, it’s going to be the death of you and you deserve so much more than that. You deserve to have people in your corner helping you through this.” She tilted her head in the briefest nod. “We can deal with and conquer everything that needs to be dealt with tomorrow. For tonight, I want to try to give you some relief. I want to give you a different kind of spanking, the kind that has the ability to break the bonds that chain you, at least for tonight. I know you think you need the harshest level of pain to get free of this, but I want to show you that it can be gained through different means. Are you willing to give it a try?”
The question was, really, what did she have to lose? Nothing. She felt like she had nothing left to lose. Lifting her head, she nodded. “I’m willing to give it a shot.”
Wrapping his arms around her, Melissa was enveloped in warm strength. “Okay, sweet girl, I want you to lay over my lap.”
“Here?” she asked.
“Yes, right here on the couch.” Jason guided Melissa to a standing position. Pulling two lexan paddles from beneath the couch, he slid to the middle. One paddle looked like a smooth plastic oval. The other was in more of a rectangular shape, with holes scattered throughout. Patting his leg, he said, “Lay across my lap so that your body is fully supported by the couch.” She took her position thinking how much more comfortable this was than draped across his knee when he had been sitting in a chair. It always felt like she was going to face plant into the floor in that position. “I want you to be as comfortable as possible, so that all you have to think about is the spanking itself,” he said as if he were reading her mind.
Adjusting herself until she was completely centered over his lap, Melissa tried to figure out how to position her arms. Finally, she curled her upper body around one of the pillows that lay above her head. The weight of one of his hands came to rest on her lower back, the other on her upper thigh.
“I mean this spanking to be therapeutic.” His voice came from above her in a rich velvet tone. “If at any time you feel panic coming on, or something is wrong in any way, I want you to tell me. Don’t hide it or try to keep it in. The most important thing is for you to feel safe. Do you understand?”
“Yes, I’ll tell you if I start feeling unsafe.”
“We’re going to start off slowly letting the spanking build as we go. It’s important for you to trust the process, okay?”
Nodding into the pillow, Melissa gripped it tighter under her chin and her body tensed in anticipation. The barest brush of the paddle came across her bottom. While the oval paddle was large enough to cover one full cheek with each stroke, he was telling the truth when he said he would start off light and slow. She felt her body start to relax as he kept that pace for several long minutes. The pace increased to a light sting as the paddle came steadily down, but it was nothing to squirm about. Drawing in a sharp breath, out of nowhere a fire lit in her bottom as each stroke came down harder now. Focusing on her breathing, the sting built higher and higher. Just when she thought she couldn’t take anymore, it stopped. A mix of relief and disappointment coursed through her.
She shouldn’t have worried though, because not two seconds later firm hands gripped the waistband of her pajamas pulling them down just below her bottom, her panties with them. Without warning, a loud pop rang out as the paddle connected with her bottom, this time the intensity was through the roof. The paddle popped against her other cheek as Jason laid it into her rapidly. A moment of quiet shock passed as the pain registered. Then, all at once, it was as if her arms and legs figured out how to move again. Her legs kicked as if on their own accord beating a steady beat on the cushion beneath and then the unfathomable happened. The paddle came down even harder on her exposed bottom. Pain like a thousand bee stings erupted on her skin. Panic set in, not the kind of panic that had consumed her lately, but the kind that said I need to get the heck out of here. If she could have laid there and took it, she would have, but fight or flight had set in. Twisting and kicking Melissa tried with every fiber to escape those bee stings.
Feeling herself being shifted forward, Melissa clung to the pillow desperately as Jason’s leg locked down over hers like an iron bar. Struggling fruitlessly for a moment, she finally gave in to the futility of it. Left with no choice but to feel every stroke coming down, her world narrowed until the only thing in the world was that paddle and her butt. There was no car accident, no memories, no anxiety, no house, no Jason. It was just her and the pain. God, it felt good. She could feel all of her anxieties, all of the bad in her world, forming into a tight ball. With every pop of the paddle, that ball lifted further and further from her until it broke free with a little pop of its own, floating away from her before breaking into a million little fragments of light. Then she was soaring, flying high above her cares and worries, above anything that had tried to weigh her down. Endorphins rushed to claim her, setting her free at last. It was like she was floating on a fluffy cloud drifting gently back down to earth until she was finally in her body once again. This time there was only peace.
Chapter 11
Melissa’s foot tapped anxiously as she waited for Dr. Yu to arrive. Showing up fifteen minutes early was turning out to be a big mistake. He had been kind enough to come all the way to Corbin’s Bend on his day off, so it wasn’t a surprise that he hadn’t arrived yet. Jason had insisted that Melissa make the call first thing this morning before she lost her nerve. She had awakened to the luxuriating feel of still floating on the same cloud she had fallen asleep to. Like a dash of ice water to the face, the cold hard reality came cascading down on her as she remembered that today was the day she would be confronting the demons she had worked so hard to escape.
Jason’s presence next to her should have had a calming effect. At the moment, though, it was only making her more agitated. Knowing that before the day was through he was going to know everything, had her stomach in knots. How was he going to react to knowing the stark truth of the mess her life had become? Not able to take it anymore, Melissa bolted from her chair to pace briskly up and down the hallway.
Thankfully that’s when Dr. Yu appeared. He had a kind face, the type that made it easy to p
our your soul out to. “Melissa, I’m so glad you called,” he said, giving her hand a warm squeeze when he reached them. “You must be Jason,” he said, extending his right hand. “I’m Doctor Wade Yu.”
“It’s good to meet you, Dr. Yu,” Jason said, shaking the other man’s hand.
“Please, call me Wade,” he said, smiling warmly before turning to open the door to his office. Waving them both in, he flipped the switch to illuminate the serene space. Taking her usual seat in one of the comfortable armchairs, Jason sat in another just across a small side table.
Sitting across from them and leaning forward, Melissa’s therapist perched on the edge of his seat. “I hear you’re having a rough time.”
“You could say that.” She toyed with the hem of her shirt.
“I’m sure you know Jason called me the other day when you were having, by what he described, a major flashback. While he called asking for advice on ways he could help, and is here with us today, I want you to know that our sessions are still completely confidential. I’m happy to include Jason in your therapy, but only to the extent that you are comfortable.”
“Okay, I’m not sure what’s going to come up, but I do want Jason to be included in some ways. If he’s going to be in my life, I’m realizing that he’s going to have to be a part of my recovery and to do that he has to know what’s going on and how to help.”
Dr. Yu nodded. “We can play it by ear from session to session. Today, I’d like to meet with you privately. We can bring Jason in toward the end of the session if we have anything to discuss, for you as a couple, or as part of your treatment plan.”
Jason caught Melissa’s eye, giving her a reassuring smile. It made her realize that she was glad to have him here, no matter what level of involvement he had. “That sounds like a good plan,” she said.
“Jason, do you have anything you would like to share before Melissa and I talk privately?”
Templing his hands in front of him, Jason seemed to consider for a moment, choosing his words carefully. “I want to give Melissa a chance to talk with you first. That will give you both a chance to get a better idea what’s best for her right now.”
“That sounds great, Jason. You can wait right outside or meet back here in forty-five minutes if you’d like,” he said, glancing at the clock.
Jason headed out with a supportive squeeze to Melissa’s shoulder. Within a few minutes, she started wondering why she had been so afraid to begin her sessions again. Wade put her at ease immediately. She had forgotten how easy it was to open up to him. He had a calm presence that soothed and rallied her at once. After going over the events of the last couple of months, Wade gave her several new coping skills that she might use when she started to feel anxiety coming on. He explained that it was relatively normal for those who had experienced a traumatic event in their past to have that event resurface when leaving for college or making a big life change. It was even more understandable that the flashbacks had started with renewed vigor, due to it being so close to the date of her parents’ death, and the big trigger of the recent car accident. He explained that while it was a very minor accident, her body still had stored the memory of the accident that happened during her teen years and that having a similar circumstance had awakened her body’s original response.
“The thing I hate the most is how out of control I feel when it happens. Once it starts, there’s nothing I can do to make it stop no matter where I am or who I’m with,” she said, feeling desperate.
Compassion folded across his face. “I know it’s hard to deal with, Melissa. I do have a few suggestions that may help bring you back to your surroundings when a flashback occurs.” He got up and went to a cabinet on the other side of the room. Pulling a few small items out, he brought them back over to her. Sitting in the chair nearest to her, he went over what each item’s purpose was. Showing her a baggie with a cotton ball inside, he explained that of the five senses the sense of smell was the most powerful. “The cotton ball has been dipped in lavender oil. It can really be any scent that is soothing to you. I chose lavender for its calming properties.” He removed the cotton ball from the bag, inhaled deeply, and then offered for her to do the same. She was surprised that the scent did indeed, instantly calm her. “If you start to experience a flashback, you want to try to bring yourself back to the present by focusing on something from the here and now. If you pull this out and inhale the scent, it is a physical reminder that you are safe and not trapped in that car anymore.”
The other items he handed to her were a stress ball, a rubber band, and a list of ways she could bring herself back without any props. The last thing he pulled out from behind the chair was a large teddy bear. “This may not help during a flashback, but I hope it can give you a way to soothe yourself when the anxiety builds up. This bear represents unconditional love, a safe space, and complete acceptance. Anytime you aren’t feeling sure of yourself, just curl up with him and let him take your fears.”
Taking the soft bear, Melissa squeezed him in her arms surprised that this small gesture meant so much to her. “Thank you.” She felt steadier than she had since this all began.
“I’m glad,” he said, patting her arm. “Now I need to talk to you about something you might not want to talk about.” She felt the fingers of anxiety curling around her again, but this time it was more like flutters than anything else. “I think you need to tell Jason about the fake ID.” The flutters then turned to a thousand butterflies taking flight. “I’m not going to force the issue, but I feel it’s important for a couple of reasons.” Biting her lip, she waited to hear what he had to say. She knew in her heart she needed to tell him. Guilt was eating her alive, but what if he didn’t want to see her anymore after he found out? She didn’t think she could bear that. Dr. Yu continued, “The most important reason I can think of, is that he is acting as your main support right now. Alcohol use is what we call a negative coping mechanism. It’s not helping, and it will only make things worse in the long run. Pair that with the fact that you are underage, and we have an even bigger issue.” The look he gave her was measured.
When she just sat there and didn’t respond, he went on. “Melissa, you’ve been in therapy with me for a long time now. During that time you’ve expressed to me countless times that what you want most is a steady domestic discipline relationship with someone who truly cares about you. Is that something you want with Jason?”
That got her attention. “I want that more than anything, besides getting well,” she said.
“That’s what I thought. From what I’ve observed, you could have everything you’ve been looking for in Jason. He cares deeply for you. He’s been there for you in times of deep need, and puts your needs ahead of his own. The qualities are there for a successful DD relationship, but only if you let it happen.”
She pulled the teddy bear against her chest taking a deep breath. “I understand.”
“Good,” he replied. “If that is what you want, then you have to be honest with him despite what consequences that will bring. I believe he has your best interests at heart.”
“So do I.” She groaned, knowing that when she did this, that things would definitely be shifting in another direction, but she had to admit, as scary as that was, it was what she wanted whole heartedly.
“If you’re okay with it, I would like to bring him in now to talk about both the therapeutic spankings you mentioned and ways he can help you when things get rough for you. Is that okay with you?”
“I think that’s a good idea.” She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “We aren’t going to talk to him about the ID now are we?”
“I’ll let you do that privately, but I encourage you to do that as soon as possible,” he said, leveling her with a serious look. “He can’t support you if he doesn’t know, and if you wait, it will only fester.”
“Fine.” She breathed out reluctantly. “Really, I’ll talk to him tonight.” She chirped when he quirked his eyebrow at her previous tone. Dr. Yu
might be solely her therapist now, but it wasn’t long ago that he acted as her disciplinarian as well. Some habits die hard.
“Good then, I’ll bring Jason in now.”
The two men re-entered the room. After everyone took their seats, they laid out a plan for the how’s and why’s of the particular type of spanking she had received last night. They also worked out the best ways for Jason to know she needed one. They agreed that when things got to that point, that it was best to leave anything that needed to be talked out or dealt with to the next day when Melissa was feeling steadier. She felt better understanding the parameters of the plan. She just hoped it would work out the way they all expected.
Chapter 12
Melissa and Jason had grabbed a sandwich on their way home and now sat facing each other on the couch in Melissa’s living room. She was still nervous but felt much steadier than she had earlier in the day. There was a light at the end of the tunnel which was enough for her to feel like she could breathe again. She hoped the feeling lasted.
“How are you feeling?” he asked, giving her a half smile. His eyes gave away the depth of his concern. Having known Jason these last six months, taught Melissa that his eyes changed with the way he was feeling. When he was in a light and happy mood, his eyes were a clear cobalt blue, the prettiest color she had ever seen. The times he was concerned, anxious, angry, or worried they turned dark like a storm. They were in full storm mode at the moment, which wasn’t surprising, considering the ups and downs of the last week.
“I’m feeling pretty solid actually,” she said, surprised when she realized it was true.
“I have some important things to talk to you about that could have a lasting impact on our relationship. Are you up for that?”
