Black Tears

by Woods, Karen

3

  Francesca looked in the broken mirror one last time before she set off on her journey to Strangeways. She knew she had to leave a bit early because she didn’t have the bus fare in her tattered old purse to pay for the ride. The walk would only take her half an hour if she hurried, and it would do her good. She felt excited at telling Gordon she was carrying his child and couldn’t wait until he took her in his strong arms and told her how much he loved her. With this in mind, she set off. The walk wasn’t as bad as she thought, as the weather was quite pleasant. The sun still shone even though the winter months were approaching. Francesca set off down Rochdale Road and knew if she cut through the estate, it would shorten her journey. As she passed the Milan pub, she knew it was over half way there and picked up her speed. As she walked on, she could see the landmark Strangeways tower.

  A large red brick tower stood tall from all the other buildings in the area and it reminded her of a Disney film she had watched when she was a little girl where the prince had climbed the tower to rescue his distressed princess. If only she could have a life that was so simple, she thought as she carried on walking. All she wanted was to be loved and cared for and to be happy with the man of her dreams. Francesca knew in her heart she was a million miles away from the truth and doubted whether Gordon had ever really loved her, but she lived in hope, as he was all she had in life that meant something. She placed her hands into her long black leather coat and struggled to keep warm. She’d spent hours that morning trying to find the perfect outfit to go and visit Gordon and in the end she decided to wear her knee length black boots and a tartan coloured skirt. Her looks were now a shadow of her former glory - her hair that used to shine like the sun in the sky was like a lifeless ball of fluff and her skin was covered in more spots than a Dalmatian dog. Francesca had blamed it on her pregnancy but if she had been honest with herself, she had let herself go a long time ago. The cocaine she had been taking had gradually stopped when Gordon couldn’t provide it any longer and she struggled every day without the drug. She could barely afford money for food anymore, never mind the cocaine she loved so much. She had decided there and then that the child meant more to her than any drugs and promised she would never sniff again.

  As Francesca entered the prison, she looked round at all the other visitors. She could tell by their faces that life was hard for them too. She watched one woman in particular chase her small child round the visitor centre. He started to scream as she pulled him away from the glass sliding doors. You could see in her face she had wanted to slap the kid to make him behave but in front of all the visitors, she smiled and tried to remain calm as she tugged at his clothing. Francesca handed all Gordon’s things in that he had requested in his letter. This ranged from socks, trainers and even a new pair of slippers. His orders told her to make sure she brought everything, even though she did not have the money to buy them so she had to borrow money yet again to fulfil his wishes. The visitor centre consisted of around fifty tables and a small children’s corner with a few toys scattered about in it. The place itself looked quite clean and the sky blue walls helped to give off a fresh clean look.

  Francesca waited for about ten minutes and finally they shouted out the name for her visit. Quite a few other people were shouted at the same time and they all made their way to the main entrance of the prison. Once inside Francesca was shocked as she watched the process she had to go through to gain access inside the prison. First, they stamped your hand with some kind of invisible ink and she wondered what the fucking point was of it all. The next step was to walk through a security check and once you came through there, a female prison warden searched your body and clothing. She looked at Francesca and slid her hands all round her. She made her take the ponytail out of her hair to see if anything was concealed inside it. Once that was over, she had to wait until her bag had come through the other security check machine. It was all taking so long and she felt frustrated all she wanted was to see Gordon. Everybody felt the same about the checks and one woman even shouted out that they were not prisoners and didn’t need to be treated like this. The screw looked at her and slowly approached her.

  “Listen love, you’re all searched to protect yourself. You won’t believe what people try and smuggle in for prisoners, so relax and understand we’re only doing our job.” The woman made no reply and felt quite embarrassed as all eyes focused on her. As the screw left her side, she mumbled under her breath and you could tell she felt disgusted by the whole episode.

  Once everyone was searched, they were led to glass double doors. Once inside, the doors closed, and the other side slowly opened leading to a large set of stairs. Everyone walked the stairs and the sound of a dog barking could be heard, but it wasn’t until they reached the top of the stairs they could see why the dog was present.

  The guard walked slowly past them and explained what was about to happen. He told them not to stroke the dog or even look at it. They had to remain still while it walked between them. The Springer spaniel circled the people and wagged its tail furiously as it mingled between the visitors. Luckily, everybody was fine and nobody was found to have drugs. The last step was to place their hand under some ultra violet light and the stamp they had had done previously showed up underneath it. Apparently, it stopped inmates escaping, but Francesca couldn’t see all the need for so much security and thought the prison was taking things too far.

  As she walked near the visiting room, she could see all the inmates sitting down. The room had hundreds of tables in it. The inmates wore red bibs over their clothing and she could tell they were all anxiously waiting for the visits to begin. The screw now walked up to the main door and told the visitors the rules before they entered. He told them they could buy inmates drinks and sandwiches from the canteen and other luxuries. He also told them that they weren’t permitted to go and sit at other tables once they had sat down or even sit on the same side of the table as the person they were visiting. Everybody was pissed off at the whole experience and felt relieved once the main doors opened and they could join their loved ones.

  Francesca’s eyes searched for Gordon and it took a while before she actually saw him. He looked thinner than before, but apart from that, he was still the man she loved with all her heart. She eagerly walked to where he sat and leaned toward him to kiss him. Gordon immediately pulled away from her and told her to go and get him some food from the canteen. She felt neglected but followed his orders to keep the peace. As he watched her take her place in the queue his eyes wandered to where Tigger was sat with his visitors. He knew today was the day Tigger had planned to get his drop of drugs and he secretly watched his every move. Tigger had been worried when he heard the dog was on duty, but apparently, his mate had some kind of special spray that you put on your clothing to deter the dog from detecting the drugs.

  Gordon winked at Tigger and they both knew the first part of the plan had run smoothly. Francesca returned from the canteen and deposited the goods on the table in front of Gordon. He looked at the sandwich she’d returned with and pulled his face asking, since when did he like fucking egg mayonnaise butties. She took a deep breath and tried to calm him down and felt slightly annoyed at his attitude.

  “Fucking hell, that’s all there was, so stop fucking moaning. I’ve just queued up for five minutes so be grateful for once in your life.” Gordon slowly peeled back the plastic from the sandwich and took a small bite as she watched him, eager to break her news. Gordon seemed so distant from her and she could tell he didn’t really want her there but she put it down to the shock of his new life in prison. She looked at the other visitors. She watched how the inmates cherished the people who had come to see them. A couple on the next table were kissing passionately and she felt so jealous of the affection she was being denied. Gordon sipped his brew and Francesca thought it was the right time to tell him her news. Her secret had been bubbling inside her all day and she couldn’t hold it in any longer. Slowly, she reached across the table, took hold of his hand, and strok
ed it slowly.

  “Gordon, I’ve got good news to tell you and hopefully it will bring a smile to that miserable face of yours.” He looked at her and tried to figure out what secret she had to tell him, but his mind was filled with watching Tigger and his visitors and he couldn’t concentrate on anything else. After a few minutes, he urged her to reveal her news and she could tell he was getting frustrated and angry at the wait. Taking a deep breath, she started to speak in a low voice.

  “You’re going to be a daddy. I did a pregnancy test last month and it was positive. I’m so happy and we can be a family now can’t we?” Gordon’s face went white and all his facial expressions froze. She could tell he wasn’t very happy just by looking at him. He grabbed her arm and pulled her closer to him looking directly into her eyes. His voice was shaky but she knew he was serious as his words broke her heart into a million pieces.

  “You fucking idiot. How the fuck, are you going to look after a baby. None of us has a pot to piss in. I’m in prison for fuck’s sake. How do you expect me to be a dad? Take your head from up your arse and think about this properly will ya?” Francesca’s eyes filled with tears and a lump filled her throat, stopping her from screaming at the pain she felt.

  Gordon shook his head and tried to calm things down because he knew before she left, he had to make her see sense and get rid of the seed he had planted. He was one hundred percent sure he never wanted any children with Francesca. He was just using her as a pit stop until he got out of jail and thought she was nothing but a dirty slag, but he knew he had to be nice to persuade her to get rid of the baby.

  “Francesca I do love ya, but the timing’s all wrong. Think about it. We have all the time in the world to have kids. When I’m released, we can have a baby and look after it together. You know it makes sense don’t ya?” Francesca held herself and sobbed as he spoke. This was meant to be a happy time but now her world and everything she’d dreamt about was slowly being broken in two and she felt like she was about to collapse. The screw walked pass them and Gordon pulled her to him hoping to calm her down because it was obvious she was upset. He held her across the table and gentle kissed her forehead as tears streamed down her face.

  “I’ll tell ya now Francesca. I don’t want this child and if ya don’t get rid of it, we are definitely over. Are you listening to me or what?” She remained silent, nodding her head like a small child in agreement. There were few words spoken after this and the visit ended. The screw shouted for all the visitors to start to say their goodbyes and Francesca stood to make her way to the exit. Before the final call, Gordon whispered into her ear to get rid of the baby, otherwise not to bother coming to see him ever again. His words felt like knives being plunged into her heart and she wanted to scream at the top of her voice. She nodded her head and slowly walked away feeling like her world was about to end. Francesca had to make the biggest decision of her life now between keeping Gordon and keeping the child growing inside her. Her head felt heavy as she waited to leave.

  The visitors made their way to the exit and waved at their loved ones. Francesca turned and looked for the last time at Gordon’s face and slowly headed down the staircase towards the exit. She was sweating and felt she needed to be sick. She needed fresh air as quickly as possible and couldn’t wait until the cold afternoon air hit her face.

  Everybody’s mood was low as they left the prison. It was so hard for all the visitors to leave the people they loved behind. Francesca walked into the open air and held herself against a small wall situated at the side entrance. One of the other visitors asked if she was all right but she told her she was fine. The concerned visitor remained with her for a few moments, but once Francesca told her that leaving her boyfriend behind had taken it out of her, she left her alone. The woman smiled as she told her it would all get better in time and it was something she would get used to. She spoke to her about her own life and told her of all the prisons she had visited while being married to a criminal. The woman had bleached blonde hair and her figure was round and flabby. She looked as rough as a bear’s arse and the tattoos on her arm made her look like a big butch lesbian. Francesca thanked her for her concern and watched as she left with the other visitors.

  Francesca started her walk back home after a few minutes and it felt like she wasn’t getting anywhere. Nothing seemed real around her and everything seemed to be in slow motion. The visit left her feeling exhausted, and she couldn’t wait to get home. Her home now was living with her auntie but she knew that once the news of her pregnancy reached her aunt she would be definitely kicked out onto the street. Her auntie was quite a strict woman and wouldn’t want anything to do with her if she had been that daft enough to let herself get pregnant.

  The weather changed and rain started to fall. All the mascara she had taken hours putting on that morning poured down her face as the raindrops hit her. Francesca felt like calling into a nearby pub to drown her sorrows but she didn’t have a penny left in her pocket. Things in her life needed to be sorted out quickly and she knew the decisions that lay ahead where going to be hard, she just hoped she made the right choices.

  Her legs ached as she reached home. She found some writing paper and began to write to Gordon hoping she could convince him to change his mind. The letter was five pages long by the time she had finished it, she’d put her heart and soul into every line. She told him all the benefits of having a child and how good he would be as a father. She ended the letter by writing ‘Gordon I love you more than life itself, and it would break my heart to lose you, just think of all the things we have been through together. I hope you change your mind and make me the happiest woman alive. Please try to be as happy as I am about our child’.

  She read the letter for the last time and finally sealed it knowing he would receive it within the next couple of days. Her next step was to tell her aunt the news of her pregnancy she prayed she would take the news better than Gordon had.

  Francesca’s aunt sat watching Coronation Street as she entered the front room. She was a glamorous woman and looked after herself every day. Her hair and make-up was never out of place. You could see she was enjoying the programme as she sat up in her seat. Her aunt loved the single life. Men were in and out of her life constantly and that’s how she liked it - no commitments. The house where they lived was like a show home and the cream carpet was her pride and joy. She loved the cleanliness of it all and hated any marks being on it. All the furniture was polished daily and not a speck of dust could be found anywhere in the house.

  Francesca eventually sat facing her auntie waiting for the right moment to tell her. Sylvia knew she had been to see Gordon and asked how it went. She made it no secret that she hated him with a passion and hoped Francesca would get rid of him now he was in prison. She secretly blamed Gordon for the downfall of her niece and knew he was bad news from the moment she set eyes upon him. Francesca fidgeted as she began to tell her about the visit but kept her pregnancy a secret. She told her all the security checks she’d gone through and how big the prison was. Her aunt now searched for her cigs and told her now he was in prison she should try to sort herself out and get a job. She continued talking in a high-pitched voice telling her that Gordon was nothing but a thug and the sooner she got rid of him the better. Francesca’s emotions now burst and she couldn’t hold her secret in any longer.

  “Well I know I’ve been a dickhead with him, but it’s too late now I’m pregnant, and guess what? He doesn’t want the baby or me so you’re right. He’s a no good bastard.” Her aunt watched as Francesca stood to leave the room and quickly jumped up behind her.

  “Well don’t think you’re staying here with a baby. Gordon is right for once, fancy thinking you can look after a baby. You can’t even look after yourself.” Francesca screamed as she ran up the stairs trying to get out of the way of her, but as she turned, she could see her following. Francesca threw herself onto the bed as her aunt flung open the bedroom door behind her.

  “Well lady, you better
find yourself somewhere to live, because you won’t be staying here. How many times have I warned you about using protection? You just think you know it all, don’t you? Well look at the mess you’re in now missus know it all. You silly little bitch! You have until the end of the week to find yourself somewhere else to live because after that you are on the streets. I’ve wiped my hands of you and want nothing more to do with you.” Francesca didn’t reply because she knew she wouldn’t think twice about hitting her. She remained silent and hid her head under her pillow until her aunt left the room. The bedroom door slammed and Francesca could hear her still shouting as she went downstairs and that’s when she realised how much of a strain her life would be in the days that lay ahead.

  Francesca waited eagerly for the reply from Gordon and when she finally saw the white envelope addressed to her on the floor, her heart missed a beat. It had been nearly a week since she wrote to him and she thought he wasn’t going to reply. Slowly she picked up the letter and ran upstairs to read it. Francesca didn’t open it straight away, she knew whatever was written in the letter would change her life forever. She hoped he’d say how sorry he was for the things he’d said and how much he loved her. Somehow, that would be far from the truth - her days with a roof over her head were numbered and that weekend she would be homeless.

  Slowly she peeled the letter open and began to read it. At the top of the page it stated his prison number and the address. His handwriting stared at her and she held her breath as she began to read.

  ‘Francesca,

  I still stand by everything I’ve said to you. Get rid of the baby and everything will be fine between us. The decision is yours, but either way I’ll never be a father to this baby, and I’ll never call it my child.’

  Francesca cried as she read on, she knew there would be no point in trying to change his mind, because Gordon was a very stubborn person and once his mind was made up he wouldn’t change it for love nor money. She ripped his letter into tiny pieces and threw it on the floor. His words were harsh and not once had he said that he loved her. This was a time in her life when she felt so alone and didn’t have anyone to turn too. Dark days lay ahead and she hoped she’d survive.