Black Tears

by Woods, Karen

  “No wonder we’ve never got any fucking money when you’re paying for sex. I hope they were worth it, because as from today, you’re on your fucking own and you can have as much scabby fanny as you want. You’re a dirty no good bastard.” Sue now continued to pack hers and Bethany’s clothes and John sat on the bed looking speechless.

  John ran over it in his mind and knew he couldn’t lie to her. In a way, he was glad his secret was out and now was the time to tell her exactly what he felt.

  “Sue, I’m so sorry. I never planned to hurt you, but it’s something I have always done since I was a young lad. It’s nothing you’ve done believe me.” Sue felt like someone had plunged a sword into her heart. In a way, she wished he’d denied it all and told her it was a pack of lies then perhaps she could have forgiven him. But he continued in telling her all the details and broke her heart further. Her head spun and she thought she was going to pass out as his words crucified her. John’s manner was surprisingly calm and he looked like he was glad to finally get it all off his chest.

  Sue continued to pack but the questions in her mind needed to be answered. She knew she couldn’t walk out on her marriage till she knew exactly what had happened and why he had done what he had done to her.

  “Was sex that bad with me that you had to go and pay for it?” She asked him and waited for a reply, but he seemed to be thinking about his answer and she knew she had lost him forever.

  “Sex wasn’t bad Sue. I just needed something more.” As he continued, she hurled their picture together from the side of the bed at his head.

  “You cheeky twat. How dare you say it wasn’t that fucking bad? It made you scream my name a few fucking times as I can recall. Well I hope you enjoy your little slappers because I’m out of here. I want the house and I want a fucking divorce, so start talking to your solicitor because I’m going to take you for every penny you’ve got, you wanker.” Sue finished packing her stuff and had to get out of the house as soon as possible. She seemed to be on auto-pilot and her heart was beating like a scared animal. John made no attempt to stop her as she left and her heart broke as she got into the car.

  The windows in the car were steamed up and she had to wait a few minutes until she could see out of them. As part of the window screen cleared she hoped she would see John coming towards her to beg for forgiveness but as she waited there was not a sign of him. The rain beat down on the car and the heavens opened. The black clouds in the sky seem to feel her misery as the downpour washed away her tears.

  Sue pulled out of the driveway and looked at her dreams disappearing. The house she loved so much now seemed like something she never wanted to see again. It held only bad memories for her and the sooner it was out of her life the better she thought as she hit the main road.

  As she drove towards the refuge, her eyes streamed. Looking in the mirror all she could see were black tears trickling down her face. The mascara she was wearing had virtually disappeared and now rested all round her eyes. The radio played and a song she’d once loved began to play. It was funny how it played at just the right time to fit her mood. The words of Whitney Houston’s, ‘Where Do Broken Hearts Go’ started to play and Sue couldn’t take it anymore, and turned the radio off and cried as she spoke to herself.

  “I’ll tell you where fucking broken hearts go Whitney. Right back to where they fucking started so many years ago. I’ve been such a nobhead. Don’t I ever fucking learn?” Sue finally reached the refuge and stayed in the car as she lit a cig. Everything seemed so unreal to her at the moment and she tried to take on board everything that had happened. She now started to blame herself and wondered if she was the one who’d driven him to pay for sex somewhere else. Could she have shown him more attention, she thought, and how long had it all been going on. She felt such a fool for not seeing what was right in front of her, and shook her head when she thought of all times when he’d come home late stinking of perfume.

  Once she had finished her cig, she entered the refuge through a side door that led to her office. She quickly sneaked into her office and tried to wipe her face to remove any signs that she had been crying. In the hallway she heard footsteps approaching and panicked not wanting to see anyone at the moment. Luck had it that it was only Misty at the door and she greeted her with a devastated face. Not wanting to be disturbed, Misty pulled a filing cabinet in front of the door and tried to comfort her. Sue sobbed and sobbed, and Misty couldn’t find one word that would ease her pain. Misty now wondered if she had made the right decision in telling her the devastating news and searched her heart to try and find the right answer.

  “What am I going to do now Misty? John was my life. I loved him so much, and look what he’s done to me. You know what Misty, I know it sounds pathetic but I could have put up with the odd belt here and there, but shagging tarts, it’s unforgivable.” The words she spoke hurt Misty so much. Why had she never told her that John had been hurting her? Was she not her friend anymore or was it that Misty was too mixed up in her own world that she didn’t see what was happening right in front of her own two eyes? Misty wanted to know the answer and looked Sue straight in the eyes as she spoke.

  “Why did you never tell me? You know I’m always here for you no matter what.” Sue hung her head in shame and bit her bottom lip.

  “I wanted to tell you Misty, but I always thought it wouldn’t happen again. Then, as time went on, I realised that I was back in a place where I’d been before. How could I tell you it was happening to me again? I felt so ashamed that I had become a victim yet again. I feel so stupid Misty.” Misty held her tight and told her that she would always help her no matter what. They had a friendship that went back a long way and friends never gave up on each other no matter which path their lives took them.

  Misty offered for Sue to move in with her, but Sue declined now and told her she would stay in the vacant room upstairs. She told her she had many things to sort out in her head and wanted to be alone for now. They hugged each other for what seemed hours and they must have smoked a carton of cigs between them. At the end of the conversation Sue smiled and told Misty that whatever happened, she would always be her friend. Their friendship was a strong one and they knew together they could tackle anything and anyone that ever come between them.

  The months passed and Sue did as she had promised. She divorced and the house was sold giving Sue enough money to rebuild her life. John never came to reclaim her, or even to declare his undying love for her and his visits with Bethany had been rare. Everyone who had seen him had said he he’d taken to the drink big time and as far as they were concerned he was still a regular visitor to the brothels.

  After a time Sue felt sorry for him, but she never darkened his doorway again. She had opened a new chapter in her life and John wasn’t in it. At the moment Sue wanted to concentrate on her daughter and rebuild her life. She bought a small terraced house and that’s where her new beginning started. Looking at her now, you could see she was a fighter and somehow you knew she would do well in life even without a man by her side.

  13

  Gordon stared at the calendar on his cell wall and couldn’t believe his jail sentence was nearly over. Life inside had been hard. The only bit of freedom he’d had was when he escaped during a court visit and that was only for a few days and that was so many years ago. The time he was doing now was for that escape and he regretting ever leaving the walls of Strangeways.

  He’d been moved eight months before from Strangeways to a jail in Blackpool, and the final months were taking their toll.

  Tigger had still been coming to see Gordon while he was in prison and the plan they had talked about so many times had started to take shape. Gordon missed Tigger so much since he had been released, and his new pad mate wasn’t a patch on him. Gordon had looked like he had aged twenty years and his face looked like he’d worried all his life. The lines on his forehead were so deep, it looked like someone had carved the lines in it. The weight had fallen off him once Tigger had left
and the screws joked saying it was because he was pining for Tigger so much.

  Francesca had been to visit a few times, but as the years passed, he was lucky to see her once every six months. Rico was so big now, and when he came on the last visit, it was hard for Gordon to bond with him. Rico was talking now and was at school full time. Gordon had missed so much of his life already and he knew it was going to be hard for them to bond once he was released.

  His love for Francesca had disappeared completely and he only sent her visiting orders because he had no one else to come and see him. On the visits with her, she was a stranger to him, and he’d noticed the changes in her behaviour towards him. Even kissing her had changed. He remembered that on one visit, he had leant towards her to kiss her, and she’d pulled her head away saying her breath stunk of garlic and she didn’t want to kiss him. At the time, he had been angry and wanted to punch her head in, but as the years passed, he just got used to it.

  Tigger was a top friend to have. Every time he’d come on a visit, he would bring some tart with him. The idea was that she would kiss him and pass the drugs to Gordon from her mouth. The girl who he’d brought on the last few visits had been quite sexy, and before long their kisses were getting more intense and Gordon was quite turned on by her. After he had seen this girl a few times she started writing to him and before long, they were planning a life together when he finally got out. He knew his life with Francesca would be short lived once he got out, but he was going to give it a go for Rico’s sake.

  On the final visit with Tigger they discussed a few things they had put in place. His mate had many friends and was well known around town. All it took from him was to call in a few favours from old friends and the connection with Dominic’s father was made. Dominic’s father loved a bit of the old knocked off stuff and bought it by the pallet loads. His latest buy had been a van full of snide Prada handbags. Tigger could see him rubbing his hands together as he thought of how much he would make on each bag. Tigger even roped him into a few hooky property deals and to tell you the truth he liked Ted as a person.

  Tigger had worked deals with Dominic’s dad for around a year and he trusted him a hundred percent. He had spoken of his son quite a few times and told Tigger if the right property ever came up, his son would bite his arm off for it. Tigger knew once he mentioned his son’s name that his job was nearly complete. All he needed now was for Gordon to be released from prison and the months of planning would finally be put into action. The prison visit between them was intense and you could see Gordon hung onto every word he said.

  Tigger had also been told to keep his eye on Francesca, as Gordon knew something had changed between them and he just couldn’t put his finger on what. He had asked him to call round to the flat now and then just to check things out and see if anything was going on. He had visited Francesca a few times at the flat and tried to suss out what Gordon was going on about. On one occasion he had gone round to give her some money from Gordon and felt like shagging her himself. From the moment he walked in to see her he was instantly attracted to her. He remembered sitting there while she brewed up for him and watching her arse as she passed him to go to the kitchen. On the day he’d gone to see her she was alone in the flat and she had kept him at the front door at first. Gordon had still been dealing drugs in the prison since Tigger had been released and the money he was earning was brought to Francesca every couple of weeks.

  Tigger remembered that when he asked her could he come in and have a brew with her she nearly died of embarrassment. However, in the end Francesca being Francesca thought a bit of harmless flirting never did anyone any harm and invited him in. Her life with Tom had sadly fizzled out and she found herself wanting some kind excitement in her life to stop feeling bored. She was still an attractive woman and the slut inside her was still alive and kicking. Tom had been on some training course for a new job he had just left, and she knew he wouldn’t be home for at least another couple of hours, so she decided to let Tigger in and strut her stuff.

  “Tea or coffee, Oh how many sugars,” she shouted from the kitchen.

  “Coffee please, I don’t have any sugar I’m sweet enough.” Francesca laughed as she stood in the kitchen. As she sat with him, she passed him his coffee and looked at his appearance. He had all the top clothes on and his trainers were the latest, most sought after brand. Tigger had quite a large gold chain hanging round his neck and a bracelet to match that swung from his wrist. Francesca inhaled as she sat near him and the smell from him was incredible. He smelt so alive and clean and she could have licked him from head to toe there and then. Conversation between them was easy, and he made her piss laughing as he told her a few stories about his life. His hazel eyes looked like big conkers and his dark hair looked so sexy the way he’d just messed it up with styling gel.

  Francesca looked at him and wondered what he would be like in bed. His tracksuit bottoms showed the outline of his penis and she couldn’t help but look at it, wondering how big it really was. Tigger stayed with Francesca a lot longer than he should have and he suggested they should go out for a drink sometime. Francesca hadn’t been out to the pub in years and she looked shocked at the thought of him asking her. Rico was still at school at this time and she knew she could keep Tigger there for at least another few hours before she would have to leave to collect her son. The old Francesca now started to reappear and it wasn’t long before she had him drooling over her, wanting more. Tigger liked her cheekiness and he knew he would shag her brains out given the chance. After all, Gordon no longer wanted her - he had said as much so many times before, so what was the harm of him having a bit of fun with her, he thought as he stood to leave.

  “Right sexy, I better be off. I’ve got things to do and places to go. Think about coming for that drink with me, ay.” Francesca wanted to shout there and then that she was ready now, but she played it cool. As Tigger stood at the front door Francesca stood behind him and as he turned, he pulled her towards him and kissed her cheek as he squeezed her arse. Francesca was shocked and tried to push him away in a fun kind of way and told him she was Gordon’s girlfriend and to leave her alone but he knew by her tone she was just joking. She wanted it as much as he did, and now she was just playing hard to get.

  “Right I’m definitely going now. I’m here for a good time not a long time, so be good and we will speak soon, ay?” Francesca smiled and told him she was fed up not hard up and maybe she would go out with him and maybe not. Tigger smiled, he loved her attitude. Her cockiness aroused him and he loved that she teased him. As he left, he squeezed his penis and knew before long she would be sat on it. It was only a matter of time he thought, as he left. It was obvious she loved the attention he was giving her and he knew he would be back again in the near future.

  *

  Gordon’s time in prison had been hard, and a few times, he thought he couldn’t do it anymore. Once Tigger had been released from prison he had been at an all time low and thought about ending his misery there and then, but somehow he had always talked himself out of it and tried to be strong.

  Once his new pad mate arrived, things got a bit better and his mood lifted slightly. His new pad mate looked like Big Daddy the wrestler. His head was bald and his eyes shone like someone had held a light behind them. When he had first walked into the cell, Gordon stood up and nodded to him as the screw introduced him.

  “This is your new pad mate Gordon. He’s come to keep you warm on these cold nights.” Gordon told the screw to fuck off and laughed at him as he tried to wind him up some more.

  “Ay, beggars can’t be choosers. Steve is much sort after as a pad mate, aren’t you?” Steve also told the screw to fuck off now as he dropped his belongings on to his bed. The screw didn’t stay much longer and as he left he tried one last time to break both their tempers.

  “You be good now, won’t you ladies.” Neither Gordon nor Steve responded to him and set about whatever they were doing. When the door shut, silence filled the room and it fel
t quite uncomfortable. Steve started to empty his big, transparent bag that contained his belongings on the bed and asked Gordon what drawers he could use to store his stuff.

  Gordon lay on his bed and told Steve he could have the two bottom drawers that the previous pad mate had used, and he watched him like a hawk as he pulled different objects from his bag. Steve had piles and piles of letters and they were all held together with elastic bands. He also pulled out lots of different objects made with matchsticks. Gordon looked amazed and asked could he see one in more detail.

  “They look good mate. Did you make them yourself?” Steve now sat on his bed and held each one up like a trophy.

  “Yep, I made them. They took me fucking ages to do and they’re my pride and joy.”

  As Gordon looked closer, one was a grand piano, and the lid opened on it and all red velvet was glued inside it. It was amazing, and Steve told him he had made this as a jewellery box for his daughter when he finally got out of prison. Among the matchstick models, there was an eagle and an aeroplane. He told Gordon he’d got the idea from reading a war magazine and used it like a stencil to get it as close as possible to the real thing. The next thing he pulled out of his bag was a load of photographs. Gordon had wanted to ask who they were, but thought it best to leave it until he knew him a bit better.

  Steve sat on his bed once he had finished unpacking and sighed.

  “Fucking hell. I’m getting sick to death of all this moving about to different jails. A fucking gypsy doesn’t move as much as me.” Gordon smiled and asked him where he had come from.

  “Oh, a jail in Scotland. Tell ya what mate this is like the fucking pleasure beach compared to it. When they told me I was coming to Kirkham I nearly come in my pants.” Kirkham was an open prison near Blackpool and prisoners came there to finish the last months of their sentences. The prison had been an old aeroplane storage site. The authorities had converted the hangar into wings for the prisoners and to look at it you would have thought that planes were still kept in there. An open prison meant more freedom for prisoners. They were allowed to walk through the grounds on their own and escape would be very easy. Gordon had got a job on the farm there and loved the time he spent out of his pad.