by Tanya Holmes
“Xavier…”
“If he took me over, I could cease to exist. Is that what you prefer?”
God forbid. “Of course not!”
“Then you want me.” He lifted a brow. “Don’t you?”
My face flushed hot as a thousand different emotions rushed through my mind. I still hadn’t come to terms with any of this, and I was out of time.
He leaned closer. “Say it.”
I couldn’t. So I turned it around. “Are you denying you had issues with me even before I came to your room?”
“What does that have to do with this?”
“Everything,” I sputtered, “You made it seem like it was your duty or something. And before that, you were angry about me lying so—”
“I am—was… I mean—” He gave his eyes a dramatic roll. “Nope. Not falling for it. You’re deflecting again. To your point, yeah, I’m still pissed about how you got here, but that has nothing to do with now and you know it.” A muscle ticked along his jaw. “Why are you resisting this?”
I hedged. “It’s not that.”
“Then you do want me to touch you?”
“No—I mean….”
“What?”
I became fascinated with my lap.
“What?” he yelled.
My silence had him scowling and bulldozing his fingers through his hair. All the while his attention stayed on me, like I was an enigma until the confusion in his expression morphed to something frightening, something resembling understanding.
“Oh,” was all he said.
I didn’t like the sound of that. “‘Oh,’ what?”
His face was rife with pity. “You feel guilty.”
“That’s ridi—”
“For wanting this…wanting me.” My gaze fell beneath the weight of his truth. “Tell me I’m wrong.” He got on the bed to sit across from me. My silence seemed to fuel his determination. “Admit it.” I dropped my eyes, but he tugged my chin back up. “Now.”
There was no escaping his intense stare. It snatched the truth from my mouth. “Yes,” I said weakly. “Are you satisfied?”
Apparently not, because he sighed with what looked like a mixture of surprise, disgust, and bewilderment. “What’s really going on here? He told you it was okay.”
Yes, he did, but Braeden’s words rarely matched his true feelings. “He was lying.”
“What if he was?” The shocked look on my face didn’t deter him. “I think you actually believe you’re cheating. You do understand we’re two sides of the same person, right? Two sides of Ian.” My silence said it all. That left him temporarily stymied. “D. You’re torturing yourself for nothing. I’m telling you, Braeden gave us a green light.”
“How can you say that? He doesn’t approve of this. He’s merely tolerating the situation—at best. His jealousy was hard to miss when he got back from Ireland. You know he represses everything. So how am I supposed to believe him?”
He dismissed that with a flick of his hand. “Forget about him. What do you want?”
What I wanted frightened me. “I thought I understood this duality. The Freud analogy was good. So was the band and singer thing, but I’m just as confused as before.”
“That’s because you’re looking at it all wrong,” he said. “Stop thinking like a mortal. You feel loyalty to him—as one person—and that’s screwing everything else up. From now on, think in threes.”
I frowned. “What?”
“It’s me, Braeden, and Ian. You can’t have either of us without all of us.” He paused as if searching for the right words. “When a mortal falls for a Halved Yoreck—when it’s real love—she craves the complete package. It’s spiritual, you know? Something you can’t control.” He reached out and cupped my face. “So it’s okay to want us both, D. You can’t help it.”
I wanted to believe him, I really did, but I was human. Still mortal. My instincts, the way I was taught, this three in one thing went against all that.
“Braeden and I are different, but we’re also the same. I’m one half of Ian McBride, the Alpha half, the extrovert. I’m eighty percent of who you’ll see when you meet him. And Braeden’s eighty percent of who you won’t see because he operates behind the scenes. He’s what’ll keep Ian from going batshit. He’s our self-control. Our sanity. Our logic. Our restraint. But he’s also our wrath and when he’s angry, watch out. That’s when I get free rein. See how that works? He’s our wrath, but I deliver it because he…the restrainer, yields.”
Xavier smiled. “But enough about him. We were talking about me. So. There’s a reason you feel what you do when we’re together. This is why you felt that tug whenever I was around. It’s why you’re drawn to me now. Your soul craves all of Ian. So try to think in three’s, okay?” When I nodded he brushed my bottom lip with his thumb and stared into my eyes. In his, I saw a vulnerability that wasn’t there before, an emotional need he couldn’t voice. “Do you trust me?”
I didn’t hesitate. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re crazy.”
“Fair point.”
“And…and…you’re an assassin and you’re insane…and you’ve got torture instruments, guns, sex toys, and at least two bunkers, one of them with a bed of nails—”
“Three bunkers. But that’s only ‘cause of the work I do. And yeah, I’m completely mental, and I kill people for a living. After doing it for over seven decades, I’m quite good at it. I make no apologies about that. It is what it is. As for the nail bed, I told you it’s fake. A gag gift from my ex Debbie…or maybe it was Sheila. Fuck if I can remember.” He shrugged. “Anyway, the bottom line is this. For the Seal to work, you have to trust me. You have to want me. You have to accept me. And it has to be real. If it’s not, it won’t take.”
Though it was a recitation of facts, I sensed something very personal lying hidden beneath it. He needed me to want him too.
A still small voice reminded me I’d once believed Braeden was a lost cause. That I’d thought he was a one-dimensional shell. But he proved me wrong. Maybe I was wrong about Xavier too. Braeden had hinted as much the day he returned from Ireland.
“My brother…he’s…he’s not wholly responsible for his… There are things about him…things you don’t know…that you need to understand…. There’s a reason he acts the way he does.”
And then again, the other day.
“You need to give Xavier a chance. I know you have your differences, but there’s a reason he’s the way he is….and…I have a lot…a lot to do with that.”
For this to work, I had to dig deeper into Xavier.
I had to unlock his secrets.
“Yesterday,” he continued, his voice resigned, “I fucked you in the Jacuzzi. But what we’re about to do won’t be fucking.” Another pause as he glanced off. “I mean it’s more than sex. It requires a level of intimacy I’m not sure you’re ready for—with me anyway.”
I studied him for a few moments. “This would be a lot easier if I knew what was in your heart. Oh, wait. That’s right. You don’t have one.”
Something in the room shifted, a vibe maybe. His vibe. Though faint, the anxiety was almost palpable. If I didn’t know better, I’d have sworn my gift was on the mend.
“So we’re back to this shit again.” His words came out tight. Defensive. “I don’t have a heart. Understand it. Accept it.”
I didn’t believe that for one second because his actions said otherwise. Now if I could just get him to admit it. “Would that be literally or figuratively?”
“Is there a muscle in my chest pumping blood? Yeah,” he said, “But I don’t feel things like other people do. I can’t. At least I won't until I’m Joined again.”
Oh, but he did have feelings like “other people,” feelings that could be hurt. Otherwise he wouldn’t have stormed in here complaining about the way I’d treated him. About being made to feel unwanted—less than. Those weren’t his exact words, but the sentiment was there. I suspe
cted the reasons for his denial ran much deeper than he was letting on.
The night of the early frost when I asked whether he had his heart broken, he’d denied having one then too. Yet he was frantic to save Braeden’s plants. Someone without a heart wouldn’t have given them a second thought.
Time to do some probing. “I’m assuming you had a heart before the split, correct?”
“Yeah.”
“So where is it?”
“I gave it to Braeden.”
“Why?”
“Next question.”
I tossed a hand. “Xavier—”
“Because I didn’t need it anymore!” He glared at me. “Next. Question.”
This was like a game of “Hot or Cold,” and I was definitely getting warmer. As I tried to find some hidden meaning in his words, a passage I’d read in The Scribe’s Oath popped into my mind.
And while each possessed a Man’s heart and frailty, one Half sometimes held the greater portion of both. This was often decided by the Alpha or more dominant of the two. Consequently, it was the Alpha who retained the power to give a small part or his entire portion of their humanity to Beta during division.
Xavier being Alpha could retain or relinquish his heart. Apparently, he’d done the latter. The only question was why.
I would table this for now, but I had every intention of circling back to it very soon. “When you had the heart, were you able to love?”
He hesitated. Nodded.
“What was her name?”
“I didn’t say I loved anybody.”
“So you’re telling me you’ve never been in love?” I tilted my head. “I thought you said you don’t lie?”
Xavier’s brows bunched together. He seemed to weigh the consequences of even broaching the subject. His chest expanded then fell. “Hannah. Her name was Hannah.”
“Braeden’s Hannah was your Hannah?”
“She was our Hannah,” he said, “But yeah. Mainly mine.”
It didn’t look like he wanted to volunteer any additional information, so I’d have to pull the rest out of him. “What happened?”
He dragged in a slow breath, let it out. “She started asking questions.”
Yup. I’d have to yank it from him piecemeal. “What kind of questions?”
He shrugged a shoulder. “You know, like the stuff you asked whenever weird shit went down with Braeden. For her it began when the fracture got worse. I’d take over. Then Braeden would. Then we’d snap back to be Ian again. It scared her.”
“But she stayed.”
“Yeah.” He examined his hands. “Ian blamed our behavior on the war. The Nazis. The undercover work he was doing for the resistance. He said it was hard to remember who he was.”
“And she bought it?”
“For a little while,” he said, still studying his palm. “It was chaos. Everybody was losing it to a certain extent.”
“How serious was Ian about her?”
Several beats passed before he answered, and even then he did it begrudgingly. “I wanted to marry her, but Braeden didn’t feel the same way about her.”
“Why not?”
The ticking wall clock provided the only sound for almost half a minute. “It wasn’t true love,” he finally said.
“How did you know?”
Xavier seemed to struggle with his words. “Back when we were both still in here…” He pressed a palm to his chest. “…if either me or Braeden fell in love, we both did. It’s called ‘bleed through.’ But if it wasn’t true, it faded pretty quickly for one or both of us. That’s how it happened with Hannah. A week after Ian told her he loved her, Braeden was over it.”
“Over it how?”
“He just wasn’t into her anymore. It’s probably why he saw what I couldn’t.”
“And what was that?”
Xavier sighed. “She said she loved Ian, but Braeden didn’t believe her. He was convinced she would reject us once she knew the whole truth.”
“Was Hannah your only source of disagreement?”
“Nah. Everything was a battle. Braeden was obsessed with fighting Nazis. That’s all he cared about, so he tried to make it the only thing we cared about. He even picked up a few tips from the Nazi playbook. Fucking fascist is what he was. I couldn’t believe it. Here I am, the Alpha, and my Beta was doing a hostile takeover. The introvert didn’t like his position. Didn’t want to share the wheel. He wanted to drive the whole fucking car, forgetting I held the key—our heart—and with a heart, came power. He hated that. So he blocked my emotions with cold restraint. It was his way or the highway. And when I fought back, subduing him, it left us totally fractured. All three of us were trying to grab the reins. Through brute force. Trickery. We were ruthless.”
At that moment, something jumped out at me, and it was stark. Though it took some prodding to get Xavier to let me in, once he did, he was much more open to discussion than Braeden. I chalked this up to the introverted-extroverted thing.
“Xavier, if Ian can’t exist without the two of you, how could he do anything? You said you were fractured.”
“Because there was a large part in both Braeden and me—an Ian part—that was fighting just as hard to exist.”
“How?”
“Think of it like the north and south poles of a magnet. When we shared this body, it’s what kept drawing us together. And when that happened, Ian would take over.” Xavier paused in thought. “Joined Yorecks aren’t meant to be autonomous. We each have a role, a purpose, a place, but Braeden didn’t like his. He developed bigger aspirations. He refused to yield anymore. It’s what destroyed the unity, destroyed Ian.”
The puzzle pieces were falling so fast it was hard to keep up. I had many more questions. I couldn’t even sort them all. However, one thing I knew for sure. Xavier was right. I had to think in threes. If our relationship was to have a chance, I needed to understand Xavier Frost as much, if not more than Braeden.
Fortunately, I had a good idea about where to go. All roads seemed to lead to Hannah. “So what happened to her? This girl you loved.”
A frown marred his brow. “Braeden. That’s what happened.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“No,” he said flatly. “I don’t.”
I faced him and sat Indian style. “I’m trying to understand the situation, Xavier. If I can do that, it’ll help me understand you. This is about trust, right? Or was that speech just some bullshit to get into my panties again?”
“You would think that.” A brief smile tipped the left side of his mouth. He jammed a pillow behind him and sat back. “Okay, fine. For starters, Braeden held off telling you because of Hannah. He didn’t want to make the same mistake twice.”
“What mistake?”
He closed his eyes. “Like I said, Braeden didn’t believe she loved Ian.”
“Are you saying Braeden doubted my feelings?”
“No, not that. He just wasn’t sure you could accept the truth. He based this off of some of the things you’d said to him over dinner one time. But he didn’t fault you. I mean, being Yoreck is a lot for a mortal to swallow.”
Considering how I freaked out in D.C., Braeden’s fears were well founded. “But you said the fracturing didn’t put Hannah off.”
“Yeah, it did. I just didn’t see it. Braeden did though.”
“What did he think of her?”
“That she was immature and shallow. He also thought she distracted Ian from our resistance work.” Lids still closed, he shrugged. “He pretty much wrote her off, saying if she knew the truth, she’d be out the door. I took issue with that, so he set out to prove me wrong.”
“How?”
Xavier opened his eyes and stared straight ahead. “By being a fucking dick.” His jaw worked. “He revealed himself and got her Protocoled.”
“What?”
“Oh, yeah. He scared her so much she became hysterical. Once we finally calmed her down, it was clear she wanted out. She called us an abomination.
”
“And that’s why they Protocoled her? For rejecting you?”
Xavier nodded. “It’s the chance we take when we reveal ourselves to mortals. It’s why we’re cautioned not to intermarry because any knowledge about us puts you—mortals—in danger. It’s why Braeden waited so long to tell you—because he loved you. He didn’t love Hannah. If he had, he would’ve been more cautious. With you pregnant, there was no way they could Protocol you.”
“That’s why he kept me in the dark? Because he was afraid they’d kill me?”
“If you’d betrayed us, they would’ve killed you without blinking. Sure, we could’ve tried to go on the run to save you, but Yoreck assassins are relentless. They would’ve found us eventually. They always do.” Xavier’s nod was matter-of-fact. “I know them. They’re like me. They never give up, which is why Braeden didn’t want a Hannah repeat.”
So this was the root of Braeden’s paranoia. “What happened after Hannah knew the truth?”
“We held her there for hours while I tried to talk her into marriage—which would’ve been like a supernatural muzzle had she taken the vows—but she wasn’t having it. So Braeden reported her. I objected, but he said no mortal was worth the risk to our people. It was the law. Because of the war, we were all hard-core. Braeden especially.” Xavier shrugged. “What a difference seven decades made. Now I’m a Yoreck assassin and he’s the bleeding heart. In the old days, he would’ve never tried to save that piece of shit Vogel.” He nodded. “Ironic, right? How we turned into each other.”
Ironic? No. More like tragic. “So what happened to Hannah?”
He stayed quiet for a long while. “The Elders had her mind wiped. Erased all her memories, but they also took her sanity. A bad wipe fries the brain. Some people go mad. Others get physical disabilities. Blindness. Retardation. Paralysis—a whole clusterfuck of issues. Just my luck Hannah’s Scrubber was inexperienced.”
