She wondered if he would be the same way when he got back to Denver. She could help make him believe in himself, believe people could look at him without seeing his missing arm. She knew nothing about the hurts buried deep in his past, but she felt certain if he could just get past this fear of his arm, he could deal with whatever lay in his past.
As she allowed him to pull her a little closer, she vowed she would always be at his side if he would only let her.
When the curtain fell on the last ensemble number, Jeff escorted Violet back to the suite before the customers had a chance to become interested in who was occupying the Tabor box. The remains of supper had been cleared away, the table removed, the bath emptied. A pot of coffee sat on a table with two cups.
Violet became keenly aware she and Jeff were alone in the suite. She was also aware there was only one bedroom, one bed, and no place else in town for Jeff to sleep. He had said nothing, but something would have to be decided soon. He would probably postpone any decision until the people finished leaving the theater, at least until they cleared the landing outside the suite.
But then he would go. Or stay.
Violet suddenly realized she didn't know which she expected him to do, which she thought he would do, which she wanted him to do. She had to make up her mind in the next few minutes.
"Would you like a cup of coffee?" she asked.
"Yes."
She poured a cup and handed it to him. He liked it black.
"Did you like the show?" he asked.
He looked slightly ill-at-ease.
"It wasn't at all what I expected, but I found it amusing."
"Not what you find in Boston?"
"No. Not that I've been often. I never had the time."
The sound of footsteps became less frequent, the upraised voices on the boardwalk fewer. The moment of decision was approaching. She had to decide what she wanted Jeff to do.
No, she knew what she wanted him to do. She wanted him to stay with her. She wanted him to make love to her. She wanted him to know before she even began to listen to his offer of marriage that her love had nothing to do with his arm. She wanted him to believe he was more of a man to her than any man with two arms.
Having made her decision, Violet felt all the tension flow from her body. She put down her cup of coffee. "Do you have another room?"
"No."
"Where had you planned to stay?"
"There are lots of places a man can stay."
"Do you have one in mind?"
"Not yet, but--"
"I want you to stay with me."
Chapter Twenty-six
Jeff's hand paused with the cup halfway to his mouth. Slowly, he lowered it and set it back in its saucer. From the minute he decided he had to find Violet, from the time he decided to follow her to Leadville, he had known this moment would come. He had wanted it to come. He'd done everything he could to make sure it would come. Yet now it was here, he felt the familiar hesitation.
"I can stay in the hotel lobby. It's not necessary for me to stay here."
"I want you to stay."
Jeff glanced toward the bedroom.
"I'm not a girl anymore," Violet said. "I know what I'm asking. I also know there's only one bed. I want you to share it with me. I want you to make love to me. I want to make love to you."
This was it. He would find out once and for all if a woman could love him despite his arm. Violet had seen him without his shirt. She hadn't cringed like Julia Wilcox. She had cared for her brother. She was familiar with mangled bodies.
But Jeff didn't want her not to cringe merely because she knew what to expect. He wanted her to love him as if there was nothing wrong. He knew that was an unreasonable hope, but he wanted it anyway. Too many other problems had their roots in his empty sleeve. If he could only lay that one fear to rest, maybe he could deal with the others.
His father had called him a coward, had called him half a man. His arm made him feel like half a man. He couldn't forget the loss of the war, the loss of his home, because he felt like he'd lost himself, lost who he was.
Now he had a chance to rid himself of these demons, and he was scared. If he didn't get it right now, he doubted he would ever have the courage to try again. Looking for a wife in Virginia wasn't the answer. He didn't love, could never love, anybody but this Yankee woman. If she couldn't love him the way he needed to be loved, nothing else mattered.
"Are you sure?" he asked. "After tonight there'll be no going back."
"I hope not. I don't want you to worry ever again someone important to you cares more about your arm than about you. I want you to feel you have the right to be loved just like everybody else."
"Do you love me?"
"I have for a long time."
"Rose said you did."
"What else did Rose say?"
"She said I loved you."
"And do you?"
"Yes."
"Even though I'm a Yankee?"
Jeff had to smile. He wasn't the only one with doubts. He took Violet's cup and set in down. He exchanged his seat for a place next to her. He took her hand in his. "I think I love you more because you are a Yankee."
Violet closed her eyes and shook her head, like she wasn't sure she had heard him correctly. "You're going to have to explain that. I thought my being a Yankee was the problem."
"It was in the beginning. I was horrified I liked you. But I loved you so much I couldn't stop myself. Even confessing to my family wasn't so bad as losing you. Will you make me a promise?"
"What?"
"You'll marry me if I stay tonight."
"Only if you still feel the same way a week from now."
"Why a week?"
"Getting married is very different from falling in love. It's not always a good idea for one to follow the other. I want you to be sure I love you despite your arm. At the same time, I've got a problem with your arm, too. I don't want you to marry me because you think I'm the only woman who doesn't care about it. I want you to marry me because you can't stand the idea of not marrying to me, because you want me to have your children, because you want me by your side for the rest of your life.
"Up until how, everything in your life has been tied up with your arm. But loving me, marrying me, wanting to spend the rest of your life with me, has nothing to do with it. I want that out of the way, finished, forgotten before you ask me again."
Jeff didn't know what to say. He'd spent years wondering if any woman could forget his arm, and now Violet was saying she wouldn't marry him if he couldn't forget it. He didn't know if he could. After so many years, he felt like the person he had become was inextricably bound up with his arm. He'd kept the burden strapped to his back for so long he'd forgotten how it felt to be without.
But he felt excited by the possibility of freeing himself from the curse he'd nearly let destroy his life. He would try -- he had to try -- but he needed her help. He couldn't do it alone.
This was his one chance. He didn't mean to lose it.
But it wasn't just an opportunity to free himself from a demon that had blighted his life and riddled his hopes for nearly two decades. It was his chance to marry the woman he loved, the only woman he'd ever loved. He didn't have to decide which was more important. It was impossible to have one without the other.
"I'll ask you now, tomorrow, the next day, and every day after that until you say yes."
"Are you sure you can face the world, not to mention your family, after what you've said about Yankees?"
"Losing you would be much worse."
"You keep talking like this, and I might not make you wait a week."
"Come here," Jeff said.
Violet came.
Violet put her arms around him, and Jeff pulled her close. He marveled at how different it was from being with Louise. He could spend hours looking at Violet, never touching her, and not feel cheated. He had already spent a lot of time kissing her, and he didn't feel he had even begun to experience a tithe
of the pleasure he would find in her lips.
He liked the feel of her body as it leaned against his own, the feel of her arms around him. He'd never been close to anyone this way. He'd always kept his distance, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Now he wanted to be as close to her as possible. It was something he'd wanted for years, longer even than he'd wanted to get his arm back. There had been times when it seemed getting his arm back would have been easier.
Now that was all changed.
He missed his arm in a new way. It was awkward to have only one arm to hold Violet. Not that she wasn't already as close as physically possible. There was a kind of extra special joy in being able to hold someone you loved, to pull her so tightly against you you thought you'd crush her.
He'd seen his brothers do it. He'd sometimes wondered how Iris survived Monty's bear hugs. He would have to look for some other way to make their togetherness special. He'd had enough of being angry because he couldn't do things other people could. He didn't want to be jealous of anybody ever again. He had Violet. That was more than anybody body else had.
"Making love to a one-armed man isn't going to be easy," Jeff said to Violet. His gaze never wavered. "Most women expect the man to do everything. You're going to have to help."
Violet pulled his face down until she could kiss his lips. "I always understood it took two to make love."
* * * * *
Violet knew she was taking a gamble. She wasn't gambling that Jeff could love her. She felt certain he did. After everything he'd said about Yankees, he wouldn't have followed her if he didn't. She was gambling he could fall in love like any other man. She didn't mind his stump. She didn't even think about it most of the time. It was part of him, like his smile, his muscles.
But she was selfish enough not to want to marry his fears. She wanted him to get past them, more for Jeff than for herself. He would never be able to completely forget his arm. It would limit some things he did, slow others. At times he would need help. That she could accept, but she didn't know if Jeff could.
If he could, he would be a different person. He would be the man Essie adored, the one she knew all along was hidden inside.
Jeff's kisses scattered Violet's thoughts. She always did like kissing him. She wondered why she hadn't found as much pleasure with Nathan. He had been attractive, fervent, intent on making Violet his wife. His kisses didn't seem very different from Jeff's, but the effect on her wasn't even remotely the same.
Nathan's kisses left her unmoved. Jeff's kisses left her shaken and wanting more. Nathan's touch was friendly and comforting. Jeff's touch awaken desire in her. Nathan's lovemaking left her wondering when the magic was supposed to start. Jeff's literally transformed her.
She leaned her head to one side to allow him to nuzzle the side of her neck, to nibble her earlobe. Shivers raced up and down her spine when she felt his warm breath inside her ear. She'd never realized it could be so sensitive. She nearly melted when she felt his tongue trace the outer shell of her ear. She tightened her arms around him.
She knew Jeff was a big man, heavily muscled, but she never realized just how big, how well-muscled. Her arms couldn't reach around his chest. She could barely concentrate with him practicing his wizardry on her neck and ear, but she gradually became aware of her breasts becoming more and more sensitive where they pressed against the hardness of his chest.
Jeff didn't cease to make love to her, but one by one he pulled the pins out of her hair and dropped them on the floor. With each one, she felt more relaxed, more uninhibited, more aware of her own desire to explore Jeff's body. She unbuttoned his shirt and slipped her hand inside.
Touching his chest was like running her hands over soft steel. Beautifully sculpted and contoured steel. She had touched her father and brother many times without thinking. Now she felt so acutely aware she could have mapped each square inch she touched. Her roving fingers encountered his nipple. She felt his body tense. Tentatively her fingers explored its softness. She was amazed to feel it grow firm under her touch. She was equally astonished at the immediate and spectacular response in her own nipples.
Jeff deposited the last pin on the floor. He gently massaged the base of her neck, making it difficult for her to concentrate on her explorations. No man had seen her hair down since she was a child. No man had ever massaged the back of her neck and base of her skull until she felt nearly limp and yet tingly and excited all at the same time.
She liked his touch on her skin. His hands were soft but strong. She liked his kisses even more. His lips were warm and soft. The pressure was gentle, questing, as he tasted her mouth. She responded by taking his lip between her teeth until it drew a groan of pleasure from him.
Violet felt his hand slide down her back. He began to undo the buttons of her dress. She put her arms around his neck. For each button he undid, she placed a kiss on his neck, his ear, his mouth. Jeff splayed his fingers across the bare skin of her shoulders. Gently he pushed the dress off her shoulders and down her arms. His lips left trails of kisses across her ultrasensitive skin.
She loosened his tie and opened his shirt. She had dreamed of caressing his whole torso ever since that first morning she saw exercising. It was no longer enough to be able to touch him. She wanted to see, taste, smell, absorb him into her being until the lust that had plagued her body was finally appeased. She slipped his coat off and let it drop to the floor. Then she pushed his shirt over his shoulders.
Finally, at last, this glorious body, this magnificent chest was hers to touch and caress and fondle. In a feverish burst of activity, she covered his chest with kisses. Then feeling as though she had at last taken the edge off an old, aching longing, she slipped her arms around him and leaned her head against him.
He smelled of spices and mint. Her father and brother hadn't scented their bodies, but she liked it. She breathed deeply, enjoying the faint scent of the male animal that mingled with the cologne. With her ear pressed to his chest, she could hear his heart beat, feel the blood as it coursed through his veins. His muscles quivered and tensed under his skin.
She felt as though she held lightning in a bottle.
Violet could hardly believe she was holding Jeff Randolph. Naked to the waist. The object of her dreams was in her arms, hers to do with as she wished. And all she wanted to do was hold him, to glory in the possession of him.
Not that she could ever possess him. Even in a still moment such as this, there was an energy about him that defied possession by any mortal. Coiled, cocked, loaded, it needed only a spark to set it off. Violet wondered if Jeff would be the same if it exploded. She had already been changed.
"I want to see your face," Jeff said. He took her chin in his hand. He brushed the hair back from her face with his stump. "Have I told you you're beautiful?"
Violet shook her head.
"Bankers are supposed to be thorough, never overlooking the slightest detail."
"You can start making up for past oversights now." She smiled up at him. It had to be a foolish smile, the smile of a woman who had everything it took to make her happy and didn't care who knew it. "I think I can spare a few moments to listen. But you've got to hurry. There are other important things on the agenda."
"You are beautiful. I thought so from the first, but I wouldn't let myself admit it. I told myself your hair was too dark, your clothes too extravagant, your eyes too blue. I told myself anything except that I liked the way you looked and could have spent hours just watching you."
An involuntarily chuckle escaped Violet. "You make me sound like some sort of bird and you an ornithologist."
Jeff kissed her lightly on the lips. "You were the rarest of birds, a Yankee sparrow able to dissolve the layers of anger and hatred I'd covered myself with all these years."
"I'd rather be robin or a bluebird. At least make me a cardinal."
"Cardinals don't have lips I long to kiss."
"I should think it would be uncomfortable to kiss a beak, especially if it had a worm
in it."
Jeff grabbed her tighter and swung her over backwards. "Don't make fun of me, woman," he said in mock fury. "I will have my way with you."
"I was wondering when you would get around to that."
"Damn!" Jeff said as he held her suspended only a few feet above the floor. "I wish I still had two hands."
"What would you do?" Violet asked, completely unconcerned that she was suspended only a few inches from the floor. She knew Jeff was too strong to drop her.
"I'd open your chemise while I still had you helpless."
Violet pushed down the top of her gown and undid the laces of her chemise. "Like this?"
The laughter had gone out of Jeff eyes, replaced by something much warmer. "I'd open it so I could see your breasts."
Violet pulled the sides of her chemise as far back as she could. "Is this far enough?"
Jeff's answer was to lower his head until he could kiss the soft mounds of her breasts. Violet thought she would swoon. It was all she could do to slide her arms around Jeff's neck. She felt completely disoriented, out of control, at his mercy.
Jeff whispered softly in her ear. "I wish I could carry you to the bedroom, but I'm afraid you'll have to walk."
The blood came rushing to Violet's head when he set her up. It made her dizzy. Jeff pulled her to her feet. She leaned on him as they walked together to the bedroom.
There might be several things Jeff couldn't do, but taking Violet's dress off wasn't one of them. The chemise was just as easy.
"Now your stockings," Jeff whispered.
Violet peeled her stockings down her legs one at a time. All the while she kept her gaze on Jeff. She was proud of her legs. They were slim and well formed. She enjoyed the look of appreciation that appeared in Jeff's eyes. He reached out to remove her shift.
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