“Well, at that point I was down to my last dime and ol’ Betsy.” Skunk motioned with his head towards the old truck with its front bumper against the stump. “I bet them boys from the oil rig fifty dollars against my truck. Luckily Pedro sells single cigarettes, so I used my dime for a cigarette. I’d told them boys I could light it, take three good puffs, and the cigarette wouldn’t be no shorter.” Skunk worked his eyebrows like two big brown caterpillars. “Won me fifty bucks!”
“Mhn mm?”
“I ain’t telling.”
“Mnh mm nmn mm!”
Mumbles jumped up and head-butted Skunk, then while the two cousins again rolled around in the yard punching and cussing, everyone else went back to drinking and enjoying the pleasant day. Smith borrowed Mumbles’ guitar and the ranchers lounged around the ranch-house porch singing possum-rancher songs while cheering on the two men wrestling in the dirt. At one point Jones came running through the front yard laughing his head off with Hop in hot pursuit. Taco Bob turned to Pete.
“Any idea what that’s about?”
“I reckon Hop caught him messing around in his greenhouse.”
Taco Bob shook his head. “Some folks just got to learn things the hard way, I reckon.”
“I reckon so.”
Before long they could hear blood-curdling screams coming from behind the house.
Taco Bob looked over at his ranch foreman again.
“Reckon I’ll go deal with it. You best stay here and keep an eye on those two.” He pointed towards the tiring cousins pounding on each other in the dust.
The scene Taco Bob found behind the house was about what he expected. A naked Jones was tied up and hanging from a tree by his ankles. He was screaming and crying while Hop stood close by concentrating on sharpening a large butcher knife. What Taco Bob hadn’t expected to see was a large metal drum covered in mud.
“Hop, where’d that old drum come from?”
“Find in glound when dig well.” The little man didn’t look up from his knife sharpening.
“What you planning on doing with it?”
“Fat man in town with sto’ say he buy. Take away when bling feed.”
“Oh, okay.”
Jones stopped screaming when he noticed his boss and switched to begging for his life. Taco Bob held up a hand for silence.
“Jones, you been in Hop’s greenhouse?”
“I was just going to play a joke! I didn’t mean no harm!”
Taco Bob looked over at his cook, who was now finished sharpening and had an insane look in his eyes. Jones started bawling again. Taco Bob walked over and carefully placed his hand on Hop’s shoulder.
“Hop, if you give the boy a break, I don’t think he’ll do it again. Will you Jones?”
“No, sir! Never! I promise!”
“See there, Hop? I think the man’s sorry.” Hop seemed determined to extract his pound of flesh. “Tell you what, since you got your knife nice and sharp, maybe later on you can skin Skunk.”
Hop scrunched his face up and held his nose as he headed for the kitchen door.
“Well, Jones, I reckon I better cut you down before he comes back.”
∨ Possum Surprise ∧
29
Hazel’s Doozy
About half the liquor from Skunk’s truck had been sipped, slashed, and sloshed back when Hazel suddenly stopped singing along with the others on the porch and staggered into the front yard. The two cousins were taking a break from fighting and sat sprawled on the ground sharing a pint. Hazel walked towards them, then his eyes went back in his head and he collapsed on the ground. No one paid him any mind. After a minute Hazel’s whole body started shaking so bad he’d kicked up his own little dust cloud.
Meanwhile, Jones had rejoined the group, as had Taco Bob. Hop brought out some French-fried chicken feet for snacks and tried a sip or two of liquor. Jones stayed close to his boss and never took his eyes off Hop except for a quick glance at Hazel flopping around on the ground.
“Bossman, is he having some kind of a fit? Or is it another idea?”
“Not sure, but if it’s an idea, it must be a doozy.”
Hazel sat up holding his head with both hands. His eyes were closed, but slowly opened. Everyone got quiet when the little man raised one hand.
“I got her! But it’s awful big, I don’t rightly know if I can get her all out.”
Mumbles tossed Hazel a pint with one good drink left in it. The bottle was empty in a flash and Hazel raised his hand again.
“Okay. Here she comes. We’re wanting to do something nice for Doc cuz he’s always doing nice things for us an everybody in town, right?” Plenty of agreeing nods. “Well, instead of having the party out here, why don’t we have it where Doc ain’t got to go so far to his own party? And wouldn’t it be nice to have Doc’s party where we could get more party stuff real easy if she really gets going and we run outta stuff?” You could almost see light bulbs going up over several of the men’s heads. “So, what I’m thinking is: why don’t we have Doc’s party – at Doc’s place!” Everyone gave big grunts and nods of approval at this. “Wait, there’s more!” Hazel was sweating now. “Okay, the town’s annual blowout is coming up soon, but they ain’t gonna be no drinking cuz it’s at that farmer church, right? Well, Taco Bob is on the Possum Gras committee, maybe he can talk them others into having the Possum Gras at Doc’s place! We could combine the two and damn sure have the biggest Bull Moose Party this town has ever seen!”
The effort was too much for Hazel who fell back in the dust. The sense of awe surrounding the men was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Hop was the one who finally broke the silence.
“That damn good idea! You look like man could use some pie. Come.”
Hop gathered up the shaken but proudly smiling Hazel and lead him through the sounds of amazement coming from the other possum ranchers. Taco Bob hadn’t moved from his rocker.
“Well, I said it’d be a doozy, and damned if it ain’t. There any more of that liquor?” A full pint came through the air and Taco Bob snagged it with one hand. “Boys, I reckon we got some serious party planning to do.”
∨ Possum Surprise ∧
30
Dot
“Pretty lady, you want to buy genuine Indian blanket?”
The cab driver pulled out of Armadillo International Airport and held up a colorful piece of cloth for his fare to see. Dottie reached over the seat and inspected the little white ‘Made In China’ tag.
“No, thanks.”
“How about genuine voodoo doll?”
A naked Barbie with a nail in its head came up.
“I don’t think so.”
“Pistol?”
Looked like a Mac-10. Dottie had seen one for sale at Pedro’s.
“Not today.”
“Bud?”
A full gallon bag of marijuana came into view.
“No, thanks.”
The smarmy little cabbie stopped at a red light and turned to present an immoral wink.
“A man? I have cousin – ”
“No. No thanks.”
But that was exactly what Dottie wanted. She hadn’t been with a man since she left her husband, and her thoughts took a pleasant drift to Doc. But the cab driver wasn’t done.
“A woman? I have cousin – ”
“Not today.”
Dottie felt better than she had in years. During her flight from Houston she’d looked out the window at the clouds and thought about how she’d come to be in the best shape of her life. Oddly enough, it had started with the only good idea her worthless husband ever had.
Throughout the years of her nightmarish marriage she’d attempted to find some escape from the constant attacks on everything she did from her husband and his domineering mother. Food became her only friend and comfort.
She put on some weight, which her husband reminded her about constantly. Added to the list of things he told her she needed to do was join a gym, and she did finally, if for no
other reason than to get away from him and his mother for a few extra hours a week.
The gym was embarrassing. All those gym rats looking so toned and firm made her fell like a lump, so she went in the off hours when there weren’t many people.
An older woman named Sarah, who she soon realized was gay, befriended her. Dottie wasn’t interested, and thankfully the woman never made any moves on her. But she did help Dottie with her workouts and talked to her – talked a lot.
Sarah had traveled extensively, and shared her experiences while they worked out on the machines. Dottie learned about people and places outside her daily routine, which at the time consisted mainly of working in the office of a gas company, watching television, having lousy sex with her husband, and eating too much of the wrong things.
After a few weeks Dottie did lose some weight – and gained some strength. She became more self-assured in spite of the constant reminders from her mother-in-law that she was fat and worthless. She found solace in deviousness – she plotted and planned. She snuck over to the library during her lunch breaks and surfed the Worldwide Web, hid money from her husband, and faked a sprained back. She told her husband she had to do special exercises for her back at the gym and spend time in the whirlpool – but what she really did was take real estate classes.
Her friendship with the woman at the gym became strained. Sarah’s unspoken sexual desire created an almost unbearable tension. When Dottie finished the classes she told Sarah her plans. There were a lot of tears, but Dottie’s resolve held. Two days later the newly-licensed realtor filed divorce papers and bought a bus ticket for Possum Row.
♦
“That’s it, on the left.”
“Sandals? Incense? Time-share condo?”
“No, thanks.”
Dottie paid the cabbie and went inside, glad to be home. She took a shower, then spent an hour getting ready before making the call. Her new black skirt with the lavender top fit perfectly. She left the top three buttons on the blouse undone. Then the fourth.
“Doc? It’s me, Dottie. If you’re going to be home I could stop by so we could go over that offer on your place…Fine, see you in a few minutes.”
Dottie took her time checking herself out in the mirror and putting a drop or two of her most expensive perfume in the right places. She didn’t want to get to Doc’s before he had a chance to tidy up – didn’t want him to rush around and wear himself out. If things went as she planned, the man would need all his strength before the night was over.
∨ Possum Surprise ∧
31
Doc
Doc had to take a short break from housecleaning to catch his breath. He’d calculated how long it would take Dottie to get to his house from her place and decided he had plenty of time. Then realized she might have been at her office just down the street when she called – or even in her car, almost there.
So, he set another personal world record for whirlwind house cleaning and then collapsed on a couch, panting. Either Dottie was going to have to give him more notice in the future, or he’d have to make a serious lifestyle change and start picking up after himself. Maybe if one of his screenplays got made into a movie he could get a maid service to celebrate. No – not if, but when! But before Doc could once again stomp down that particular oft-traveled road, the doorbell rang.
Doc took a quick glance around the big room, kicked a dirty pair of underwear under a bookshelf, and reached for the door. That’s when it hit him – he’d cleaned the house, but not himself. A quick look in the peephole and Doc sprang like a deer for the bathroom.
“Just a minute!”
Doc tore his clothes off and jumped into the shower before the water had a chance to warm up. He panicked when he couldn’t find a washcloth but luckily found a stiff brush and a container of soap behind the toilet, which he used to furiously scrub his body, hair, and teeth. He ran the hair dryer on scorch, pulled on clean clothes, and combed his hair while running for the door.
“Coming!”
Doc ripped the door open.
“Dottie! What a pleasant surprise!”
The vision of womanhood standing in the doorway gave him an odd look.
“Doc, I called, remember?”
“Of course! Just a little joke! Come in! Have a seat. Can I get you something to drink?”
“Not right now.” Dottie set a folder of papers on the low table in front of the couch as she sat down. “Doc, why do you have your pants on backwards?”
“New jeans. Supposed to break in faster this way.”
“Oh. Well, you might want to zip up in that case, or put on some underwear. I mean, before you go out in public.”
“Right.” Doc headed for the kitchen without turning his back to his guest. “What did you say you wanted to drink?”
“Doc?”
“Yes?”
“I don’t want anything to drink, but I would like for you to take a minute to fix your clothes and then come sit down here and relax.”
A few minutes later an embarrassed Doc sat next to a smiling Dottie where she was patting the couch cushion.
“Better?”
“Yes. Sorry about that. I get a little crazy sometimes when I’ve been working a lot.”
Dottie gave Doc’s hand an understanding pat. Doc felt a lot of the tension subside.
“Doc, what’s that smell? Are you wearing cologne?”
“No, I just took a shower, probably the soap.”
“It’s an unusual scent, yet somehow familiar. What kind of soap?”
“I think it was SnoBol.”
Dottie opened the folder and set papers on the low table.
“Here’s the paperwork on that offer for you to look over. I could have faxed it, but – ”
“I wanted to see you, too.” Doc stiffened slightly as this slipped out. “I mean, you’re a special person, and I’d really like to get to know you better.”
Dottie looked into Doc’s brown eyes, which seemed bigger than usual, probably because he was as surprised as she at overcoming his shyness for once. Dottie turned towards Doc, giving him both barrels with her upper body. Their eyes locked, but she could see the slightest twitch as he fought to keep his eyes off her chest. She leaned in closer and put her right hand on his.
Doc put his other hand on hers, effectively making a Dottie-hand sandwich. Her heart was racing, she’d been waiting for this moment for weeks. The last thing she wanted now was an interruption; so, as they stared into each other’s eyes, she reached her free hand for the cell phone on her belt, just as it rang. She clicked it off anyway. Doc blinked and his hand came off hers.
“Are you going to get that?”
“No.” Dottie un-holstered the phone and flipped it over her shoulder without taking her eyes off Doc. She gently placed Doc’s hand back on hers and leaned in close. She put her hand behind Doc’s head, and was about to gently pull him closer for a kiss when the fax machine across the room beeped loudly and started to whirl. They both looked.
“It’s just the fax, probably nothing.” Doc seemed distracted though, then Dottie’s phone laying on the floor rang again. The moment was broken.
“Dottie, let me turn that damn fax off.” Doc went for the machine and Dottie grabbed her phone. Doc took a quick look as he reached for the ‘off’ button.
“Damn!”
“What is it?”
“Oh, nothing. Just those lemmings in Hollywood again. It can wait.”
“Is it something important?”
“I’m sure they think it is.”
Doc sat back on the couch next to Dottie who was again turning off her phone.
“Must have come back on when it hit the floor.”
“Anything important?”
“Just Kracker.” Dottie knew she shouldn’t have said it as soon as it came out.
“Kracker? I thought you and him – ”
“Doc, the man’s an asshat, but he is a client. Sometimes you have – ”
“So, you’re
not seeing him?”
“Doc,” Dottie was losing patience. “Look – ” Then it was Doc’s phone ringing. Dottie puffed her checks and let out a slow breath. “You going to get that?”
Doc jumped up and ran to the phone.
“Hello? Yes…Yes, I got the fax…Really?…Okay…Yes, I’ll call you tomorrow…Goodbye.” Doc looked at Dottie, who was checking her phone messages. “Looks like another trip to Hollywood.”
“So soon?”
Doc slumped onto the couch and rubbed both hands over his face. He didn’t look happy. Dottie reached over and held his hand.
“Doc, you’re working too hard. Everyone in Possum Row says so.”
Doc looked up.
“They do? What are they saying about me?”
“Nothing, Doc. It’s just that you’re putting too much into trying to get one of your screenplays made into a movie. It isn’t healthy.”
Doc stood, his face flushed.
“Isn’t healthy? Is that what they’re saying? They’ve got a lot of nerve! This is the only town I’ve ever heard of that considers a slovenly lifestyle and substance abuse to be virtues!”
Dottie stood with her hands on her hips.
“Look, Doc. Everyone in this town loves you, but they’re worried about you. All you do is work.”
“Me? How many hours a day do you work? Ten? Twelve? I bet it’s been months since you’ve gone more than an hour without making a phone call!”
Dottie’s phone picked that moment to start ringing again. She rolled her eyes and grabbed the phone.
“Fuck!”
The phone went flying and smashed against the front door. Dottie marched over and picked up the pieces, opened the door, and threw them as hard as she could. She turned towards Doc with her hands clenched and murder in her eyes.
“Happy now?” Dottie turned to storm off.
“Do you want to go with me to the Star Trek museum in Armadillo tomorrow night?”
“Yes!”
Dottie slammed the door behind her so hard one of the windows cracked.
“Damn, but I like a woman with spirit!” Doc did a little happy dance. “I’ve got a date!”
Possum Surprise Page 10
