“You need to keep, like, brightening his life, Autumn,” Ross urged. “Not only because he doesn’t scare kids anymore but because we all know he’s a cool guy and he was like, drowning in loneliness before you showed up. It’s sad, man.”
Another murmur of agreement.
Autumn rubbed her face. “Okay, um, thanks guys. Maybe. But the problem is Blake and I are over.”
“How?” Mrs. Fuller demanded. “Why?”
“He, uh, signed me up for a comedy night without me knowing and when I got mad at him, he tried to be all like, ‘seize the day Autumn, my shitty surprise is totally helpful!’ and then he punched my ex in the face—”
“Ian?” Mrs. Zhu asked. “I thought he was an asshole?”
“He is, but, you know, violence is never the answer. And more importantly…” She swallowed hard. “Blake doesn’t actually like me, you guys, I think I was just some weird project for him. Some way to make up for his past.”
It hurt, saying it out loud, but that was the thought that had terrified her most since leaving Essence. Hell, since Blake had shown an interest in her in the first place. She’d benefitted so much from his particular brand of tough love, but she’d never wanted to be his mission, she wanted to be his—
“That’s not true,” said the sharp blond. “We’ve seen you two together. He’s a new man.”
“That doesn’t mean anything.”
“Well then what about this?” Ross knelt before her, holding up a book as though he were a squire offering a knight a sword.
Autumn stared at him. “Umm…”
“What the fuck are you doing, Ross?” Mrs. Fuller grabbed the book and handed it to Autumn. “We found this outside. We think it’s for you.”
Autumn turned it over and all the air rushed out of her lungs. “This is…how did you…?”
“We think he repaired it for you,” Mrs. Fuller said. “Does it have any kind of significance?”
“It’s a first edition,” Autie breathed. “It’s my old…it’s my favorite…”
The entire group beamed at her. Clearly thrilled. Autumn traced a hand over the book’s cover. How had he known? And when he’d known, how had he found this? She knew he had money and connections but this would have required so much work.
“Open it,” Ross said. “There’s something written on the inside cover.”
With her heart in her mouth, Autumn did just that and when she read that one word, tears filled her eyes. It was a simple message, befitting an uncomplicated man, but it also said everything.
Stay, he’d written.
Just, Stay.
“Oh, Blake,” she whispered. “Love didn’t exactly run right for us, did it?”
“So like, do you love it?” Ross enquired. “Do you want to like, be his twin flame now?”
Autumn wiped her eyes. “Yes. I don’t know, that sounds kind of fucking silly, but I do have to go and see him.”
The group shifted uncomfortably in front of her, all of them avoiding her eyes.
“What?”
Ross gave a mournful sigh. “Blake’s not here. I saw him come back tonight. I was the one who got the book out of the trash—”
“It was in the bin?” Autumn looked down at the book in horror. “This is so fuckin’ valuable. Tell me he didn’t throw it in the fuckin’ bin?”
“He did,” Ross said earnestly. “I saw him and I got it out. Then I rolled him a joint—thought it might help, you know—and then I gave it to him and tried to talk about you and he was all ‘does everyone in the building know about me and Autumn?’ and I was like ‘yes’ and then he was like ‘I hate all of you, you’re all evicted, this is the worst night of my life, Autumn’s going back to Australia, blah, blah, blah’, then he threw the joint at me and left.”
“Like I told you he would,” Mrs. Fuller said huffily. “Who knows where he is now, probably drinking himself into oblivion somewhere. Very unsafe. He’s a sensitive man and he’s gone through a lot. You really shouldn’t have tried to discuss Autumn with him, Ross.”
“I know,” the stoner said, looking chagrined. “I’m sorry.”
“So, how do we find him?” Autumn said, feeling desperate. “Does anyone know where he hangs out when he’s not at home? Has anyone called him?”
“He’s not answering,” Mrs. Zhu said, offering Autumn some green apple candy, which she took and crammed into her mouth. “Thanks.”
“Anytime. But we have no idea where he goes. Until he started dating you, none of us ever saw him leave the building.”
Autie winced. As much as she wanted to launch a city-wide search for Blake, she knew she was going to be no help. She barely knew the streets and she had work tomorrow. Owen had already requested a day off to spend his anniversary with Ryan. If she skipped her shift, Happy Paws would fall into utter chaos and she could be fired. Once, that might have struck her as a good thing, a way to get out of making a decision about her future, but now…
She looked down at the book, at the word, Stay. The man who had given her this cared for her more than anyone ever had or he wouldn’t have done it. She had to trust the word he’d written, she had to stay and believe that he would return. And if he returned, it would be good to be gainfully employed. The job market in New York was fucking crazy.
“Thank you, guys,” she told the not-quite-strangers at her door. “Thank you so much.”
“You won’t leave?” Mrs. Fuller pressed. “You won’t go running away once our backs are turned?”
Autumn smiled. “No. I promise I’ll stay.”
CHAPTER 17
Blake stepped off the A train into the pitch black of Rockaway Beach. The only other soul on the subway platform was the weary conductor who’d ambled off, presumably to take a leak or get something to eat before turning the train back around toward Manhattan. The fact that he’d just gotten off on the dead last stop was symbolic as a son of a bitch, but he was in no mood to appreciate irony.
What the hell was he doing here? He hadn’t been back to his old neighborhood since collecting his things from the apartment he’d shared with his fiancée. But he’d been poised to go stark raving mad waiting for Autumn to return to the building. It was either search her out and make a fool of himself—again—or get the hell out and collect his fucking head.
So he’d ended up here, the only other place besides Gramercy he’d ever called home; the northernmost tip of Queens. Stepping out of the station, he saw how much had changed since his early twenties. Commercial franchises had made their way into little spots, in between the Korean market, Rogoff toy store and the Tobacconist. Ciro’s pizza shop still stood at the end of the block, toward the beach of 116th Street. Same awning, if he wasn’t mistaken, but it was right next to a brand new Wendy’s. All the same places he’d frequented in his youth with pops of modernisms to prop them up.
Listening to the Atlantic break in the distance, Blake walked up the silent street, not really sure where he was headed. He only knew Autumn had accused him of using her to get over his own past. It wasn’t true. Hell, he was sick in love with the girl and frankly, there was a significant part of him that was annoyed she hadn’t picked up on it, ridiculous as that sounded. When they’d started seeing each other, he’d been a certified hermit that could barely string two sentences together, though. Now he was a man who attended fucking variety shows and spooned in public places and ordered silly drinks from bars just to see her smile. There wasn’t a soul on earth he would do those things for besides Autumn.
Where had he gone wrong? Because he most definitely had screwed the pooch—and not just in registering her to perform stand-up in front of a crowd.
Blake thought back to the other times he’d failed to see one hill of the landscape when it came to women; when his mother wanted to open a spa with her friends and when his fiancée cheated. He didn’t want to relate either of those situations to Autumn, though, because this heartbreak was so much more severe. So he trudged up to the deserted boardwalk and kept wa
lking, hoping the answer would come to him while he stared out over the breaking whitecaps of the ocean.
Yeah. His past might have played a part in wanting to help Autumn recover from her break up. He’d watched this glorious little ball of sunshine bounce up and down the hallway for months and couldn’t stand that glow dimming down for even a second. Not that Blake had ever glowed in any sense of the word, but he was the product of a dimming down, to be sure. The same thing happening to Autumn had been unacceptable. He’d pushed so hard, though. Had he thrown himself so completely into her recovery, he’d failed to see his own was needed?
Blake pushed off the metal rail and started walking again. He passed some kids sharing a joint on the bench, waving a hand to let them know he couldn’t give less of a shit. They reminded him of his friends. How they would sneak up to the boardwalk to do all manner of nefarious activities while their parents slept. The couples made out on the sand, while everyone pretended not to look. Beers inside paper bags were passed around. Initials were scrawled on the surface of the closest lifeguard tower.
Maybe it was the reminiscing that brought Blake to Kevin Donahue’s house. At least, Blake assumed the two-family, red brick house with union stickers in the ground floor window still belonged to Kevin. It was entirely possible he’d moved now that he was raising four daughters. When Kevin visited him in the city all those weeks ago, though, he’d told him the block party would be here, the same place it always was.
“What are you doing?” Blake muttered, turning back in the direction of the boardwalk. Would it just be the icing on this shit cake of a day to get arrested for loitering outside of a house where four underage girls resided? Seriously, what was he doing in Rockaway in the early morning hours before the block party? Was he actually planning on showing his face?
It wouldn’t fix what he’d broken with Autumn, it wouldn’t bring her back to him or stop her from going back to Australia. For all he knew, she’d decided to give her relationship with Ian another try.
Misery lanced his chest as his strides ate up the sidewalk. He flexed his bruised knuckles thinking of how satisfying it had been to deck the little asshole, but how the satisfaction had faded so fast. Too fast, until all that remained was the loss of her. Fuck, his skull hurt thinking about it. Just hours ago, he’d been the man who had the privilege of escorting her places, tucking her into his arms at night, kissing her, reading her comedy notebook. Now he was left with nothing but questions. If he had a chance in hell of winning her back, where did he even begin sorting through his past to find the source of what had caused him to drive her away?
“Hey.” A screen door slapped behind him. “I’m calling the cops.”
At the sound of Elaine O’Leary—now Donahue’s—voice, Blake turned and found Kevin’s wife under the harsh glow of the porch light, elbow propped on hip, cigarette in a limp right hand. Same pose she’d stood in since they were kids. Same stoop, too. They’d probably only changed the light bulb twice since the last time he’d seen her there. Not so much time after all. A warm skitter of nostalgia went through him. “Elaine.”
She went still, then jerked into motion, stubbing her smoke out on the brick wall. “Don’t even fucking play with me right now. Blake Munroe?” Her steps were quick, yet hesitant down the steps. “If that’s you, I’m going to kick your ass.”
Blake sighed before stepping into the glare of the streetlight. “It’s me.”
Elaine ran back up the steps and smacked the wooden edge of the screen door. “Kevin!” She jerked a thumb over her shoulder as she descended the steps a second time. “He’s inside watching American Pickers. Get over here and give me a hug, you big asshole. I haven’t seen you in ten years.”
On the rare occasions he’d actually allowed himself to envision a reunion between himself and the people he’d grown up with, there had been awkwardness, stiff greetings and maybe an accusation or two. Apparently he’d been wrong to make those assumptions, because Elaine Donahue launched herself into his arms and rubbed his back in circles…and against all odds, Blake was comforted.
He’d come here to be comforted.
Unbelievable. His intention might have been to heal Autumn, but she’d been the one to heal him. An awful scab with layers of Band-Aids had lived inside him for a long time, but her spirit and optimism had made this hug possible—made it possible for him to accept and need it. If only he’d known while it was happening.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” Elaine whispered, stepping back. “What took you so long?”
The answer was Autumn, but Blake didn’t know how to say that out loud without wanting to die, so he swallowed.
“You’re a little early for the block party,” Kevin called from the stoop. “You’re lucky we’ve already got the beer on ice.”
“Come on in and we’ll crack one open.” Elaine slung her arm through the crook of his elbow, pulling him forward. “There’s shit that needs to be said, but we don’t have to say none of it tonight, if you don’t want to.”
Kevin greeted him at the door with a slap on the back. “B-Money.”
Obviously still recovering from the surprise of seeing him there, Kevin stepped back, gesturing awkwardly to the cluttered hallway, which was lined with dozens of mounted jackets. “You always knew how to catch everyone off guard.”
“I didn’t know I was coming,” Blake said, his voice like rusted metal. “I’m not even sure why I’m here.”
“You fucking missed us, that’s why.” Elaine took his jacket and hung it beside a collection of matching pink raincoats. “Come in. Sit. Sit. Tell us what’s new. Kevin said you have a girlfriend.”
Kevin hissed at his wife, slashing a hand across his neck. “You don’t bring those things up until after the first beer.”
“Don’t tell me how to talk,” she breezed, guiding Blake into the living room and pushing him down into a brown, leather recliner. The living room was different than when Kevin’s parents owned the house. The wallpaper had been stripped, replaced with sheetrock and painted a tasteful blue. Family photos adorned the walls in white frames. Shoes. There were shoes everywhere, all clearly belonging to girls. The television flickered in the dark room, lighting up the room and darkening it at will. Two cats peeked out at him from beneath the staircase, making him think of Autumn’s animal patients and twisting the knife in his ribs.
“Blake.” Elaine sat down across from him on the L-shaped couch, leaning forward and clasping both hands between her knees. “I just found you outside our house at midnight. Not that I’m not freaking over the moon to see you, but you gotta give me something.” She flicked a look at Kevin, who was in the process of handing each of them an opened bottle of Bud Light. “I’m afraid to apologize. I’m afraid to say anything in case you leave again.”
“I think I’m the one who should apologize,” Blake said and miracle of miracles, a joint seemed to loosen inside him. He’d spent all this time angry, thinking he was owed an apology and when it came down to it, he didn’t even want one. Maybe he’d spent a decade getting angrier and angrier at himself for not being able to cope with his own mistakes. Staying away from his friends so long had definitely been wrong. He could feel it as he sat across from them. If Blake was being honest, his missteps had been obvious when Kevin showed up at the building weeks ago. Autumn was the reason he could acknowledge that now and not throw the world into a tailspin. Losing her was the only thing that could do that. “Yes, I’m…sorry. Staying away this long was selfish of me. It turns out I’m a selfish man.”
Both Elaine and Kevin drained half of their beers, avoiding his eyes.
“I want things done on my own timeline,” Blake continued. “And I don’t stop to consider that I could be wrong. I don’t talk…” Thinking of Autumn’s face when they called her name onto the stage, prickly energy rippled at his skin. “I don’t talk or ask questions. I just do. Just make decisions without a conversation.”
“Like cutting us off and disappearing without letting us
explain our side?” Elaine reached out and squeezed his knee. “You were in the right, Blake. You should have been mad at us. We weren’t good friends. We should have told you what Jodie was doing.”
“I think we were hoping it was a phase.” Kevin shrugged. “That she would snap out of it before any damage was done. And we could just keep things the way they were. The prospect of change was too scary.”
“Nothing stays the same, though, does it? No matter how hard you try.” Elaine leaned back against the couch cushions. “Most of the group are still living in the same place, but we barely have time to wave at each other in Stop & Shop. When we get together, it’s a rush to fill each other in and details slip away. That old feeling slips away, no matter how hard you try to cling to it. But once in a while there are moments. Someone says an old joke or calls you by a nickname and you remember why you make an effort to stay in touch. We’re all made of memories, but we can’t remember them all on our own.”
Kevin laid a hand on Elaine’s thigh in absent gesture. “She turns into a philosopher after one drink, this one.” Elaine punched him in the shoulder, but he only gave a fleeting smile. “You, uh…you’re part of our memories, man. Your parents’ old house is down the block. It’s impossible not to think of you every time I drive past it.”
“Me too. Makes me think of how one hard phone call could have made you stay. And that much Catholic guilt isn’t healthy.” Elaine’s laughter was hesitant. “Jodie’s going to be at the block party tomorrow. She’s my friend, Blake. She’s all of our friends. What she did was wrong, but we still love her like we love you.”
“I’m glad,” Blake said and meant it. “I’m glad you all still have each other. I hope she’s happy, too.” He paused, letting the past merge with the present. “Maybe if I hadn’t been injured, I would have been able to get past the lying, but I was low, already. Knowing I’d been walking around blind made it so much worse. That’s on me, though.”
Captivated Page 27
