Christ, he couldn’t be more proud. Or grateful she’d chosen him.
“Good evening,” she half-said, half-sang into the microphone. “I’m Autumn Reynolds and I’ll be making you feel better about giving up on your dreams tonight.”
There was a loud burst of laughter and Kevin muttered, “Here’s hoping,” and was promptly elbowed in the side by Elaine.
“So, you may have noticed I’m a woman, a female if you will,” Autumn said with faux seductiveness. She pulled up one side of her skirt and exposed her stocking suspender. There was more laughter and some catcalling. It sounded good-natured and as though it was coming from Owen, so Blake let it slide. He was still nervous but he was also exhilarated, feeding off the pure pleasure emanating from his girl.
“And you know what females have…?” She beckoned the audience closer, one hand playing the Casio keyboard, producing the bright show-tune melody of her first song. “Periods.”
The audience laughed and she gave them an arch smile. “I know, pretty crazy, hope I didn’t trigger anyone’s puberty with that sexy disclaimer, but I mention periods because I have a song about it. Want to hear?”
Blake’s greatest fear had been that some wise-ass guy would shout ‘no fuckin’ way,’ but the crowd cheered and clapped and if anyone heckled, you couldn’t hear a thing.
“You got it,” Autumn said with a wink and launched into ‘Fucking on my Period (don’t think about your dick bleeding to death).’
The crowd was soon in stitches and while Blake knew the alcohol and energy of the past performances had a hand in it, no one could deny the people in the theatre were enjoying themselves. He looked over at his friends. Elaine was watching Autumn, utterly transfixed and Kevin grinned at him. “She’s good. Congratulations.”
“Thanks,” Blake said, almost overwhelmed with gratitude that his friends were here, that he hadn’t been a pigheaded idiot all his life and let them both slip away. “I’m glad you’re—”
“Oh my God, will you assholes shut up?” Elaine hissed. “I’m only trying to hear Autumn perform over here.”
They shut up. Autumn’s first song ended and his girlfriend took a short bow.
“Thanks guys, I really appreciate it,” she said, taking a short sip from her water bottle. “So I have an ex-boyfriend. Who doesn’t, right? I’m looking at you, the Pope. Anyway, the thing about my ex-boyfriend is he’s a main character in a reality TV show called ‘The UnReal World.’ I am not making this up, he’s an actor and he’s a main character on a reality TV show. That should tell you everything you need to know about our former relationship.”
Everyone laughed.
“We were together for quite a while and he cheated on me a bunch, because again, reality TV star. The way I found out about it was kind of funny in a terrifyingly bad way because…”
Blake zoned out a little during Autumn’s Ian material and the subsequent song ‘Delete Your Nudes (You Silly Cunt).’ Not because it wasn’t funny, but because if he thought about Ian for too long, it made his fists ball up. The guy was long gone, living on the west coast, ‘acting’ in that moronic TV show, but Blake was never going to buy him a beer after what he did to Autumn. The crowd loved the song, and when Autumn was done they clapped loud enough to bring the roof down, louder and longer than he’d heard in the venue before.
“Thanks,” she said again and this time Blake was sure he could see the sheen of tears in her eyes. His chest contracted, bursting with pride.
“So my ex and I broke up,” Autumn said, swiping a finger under her eyelids. “On the way out I told him that what he didn’t know about vaginas could fill a million vaginas. That opened him up for some really great ‘well it wasn’t a million vaginas but it was quite a few’ gags. That’s the problem when two people who think they’re funny date, it’s like this never-ending fight over who has the best lines.”
She began playing a sombre tune, or as sombre as anything produced on a Casio keyboard could sound. “There is a real but misguided idea in bad relationships that if you could incinerate your partner with cutting logic, just give them a really sick burn, they’d see what a dick they are and accept you’re right in all things. Sadly, this is not even remotely true. Here’s a song about it.”
As Autumn sang ‘If You Loved Me You’d Admit What A Cock You Are,’ Blake checked his watch. She’d been given twenty minutes but she was edging toward fifteen already. What if they didn’t let her finish?
“Don’t worry about it,” Kevin whispered. “She’s killing, they’d be insane to take her off.”
“Shut. Up,” Elaine hissed.
Autumn finished the song with two and a half minutes to spare. She seemed blissfully aware of her dwindling slot, smiling out at the audience like it was the happiest day of her life.
“So I have a new guy,” she told the crowd.
There was a loud chorus of ‘oooh’s and ‘ahh’s’. Elaine nudged his side and Blake felt his face go hot. He’d known it was coming but it was still hard not to be self-conscious, especially with so many people he knew around him.
“He’s not really what I had in mind for the big love of my life,” Autumn said and began playing a light wandering melody Blake had never heard before. His brain froze. This wasn’t the end of her act. He’d never heard this before.
“My new man is big and hairy and a little mean,” Autumn said. “Not Zuckerberg mean, just kind of standoffish. He’s the Beast from Beauty and the Beast. But he never turns into the guy from Downton Abby, he just kind of stays hairy and grumpy. I like it.”
Elaine laughed loudly in his ear. “Glad someone does. This is quite a roast you’re getting, Blake. We thought you weren’t going to be mentioned.”
“This isn’t the end of her act,” Blake said numbly. “I…I don’t know what this is, she hasn’t rehearsed this in front of me.”
He stared up at her, wondering what the hell was going on.
“So some people think the beast Stockholmed Belle into loving him, I disagree and we can have a big fight about it after the show, but here’s the takeaway; I don’t think Belle fixes the beast. I think she brings out what was already inside him. I don’t think you can change people. I couldn’t change my ex-boyfriend into someone who is not an enormous dickheel, but when I met this guy, I understood that you don’t want to change the right person, you just want to be where they are.”
There was another loud ‘awww’ and Blake felt like his heart was moving out of his body, swelling too large to be contained by his chest.
“Autumn,” he whispered. And then her gaze found his and she smiled. “I wrote this song for him, it’s called ‘Beast I Never Knew I Needed.’ Would you like to hear it?”
“YES!” the crowd shouted as one.
“Yes,” Blake said just to her.
She smiled, because she’d been looking right at him, and then she said, “Alright then. Here we go!”
As it turned out, Blake couldn’t hear a lot of the lyrics. The sound wasn’t great in the theatre, especially when everyone was clapping and cheering, but that didn’t matter, he just watched Autumn’s face and drank in that she was singing about loving him. He also caught something to do with his massive cock and Kevin and Elaine cackled like a couple of old hens. He didn’t mind, though, he didn’t think he’d mind anything ever again.
She played her final notes with a flourish and curtsied, her expression a mixture of hope and worry. They both gave way to relief as applause exploded in the room. Whistles, cheers, cell phone snaps. The tenants of his building hooted and cat called, because, again, they were his crazy ass tenants. Even audience members Blake didn’t know leaned over toward one another and repeated one of Autumn’s jokes, laughing at it a second time.
He could no more stop himself from getting up and marching toward the stage than he could rearrange the seasons. As soon as he got close enough, Autumn turned and fell backward into his hold, cradling her Casio to her chest and laughing. Blake carried Autumn out of the
club to a sea of laughter and clapping, walking straight into forever.
The End
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Tessa Bailey
More than anyone, I would love to thank Eve Dangerfield for making this process so fun. I’ve never laughed harder reading anyone else’s books—and this time, I got to laugh at our very own slice of biblioheaven. I got to be a part of it and I’m so grateful. When I started authoring just over five years ago, I took risks in my writing without so much as a backward glance. And working with Eve put me back in that daring mindset, just like I knew it would. We wrote purely for our vaginas and hearts—and the vaginas and hearts of the readers. Fly peacock, fly!
Thank you to Eagle at Aquila Editing for reading the first version of Captivated and giving us your fabulous take. As always, your input was incredible.
Thank you to my Bailey’s Babes, who’ve come on this Eve Dangerfield fangirl ride with me and are so damn excited for this book!
Thank you to author Skye Warren for pointing out Eve’s shout-out to me in Open Hearts, which subsequently became one of my favorite books ever and inspired us to form our unholy union.
And as always, thank you to my family for being my biggest supporters and loves of my life.
Eve Dangerfield
Thanks have to go first and foremost to Tessa Bailey. When she said she wanted to write a book with me I almost chucked, I was so excited. Six-plus months and nine hundred zillion words later and we have a book! I still can’t fucking believe it! Captivated will always be my proof that life, while often a bitch, can be truly wonderful too. Writing with Tessa was almost suspicious in its easiness and I rate it among the best writing experiences of my career (can I say career? Fuck it; career.) Seriously, I can’t tell you how amazing it’s been. I’m so glad we made it happen. Happy birthday to the ground, TB <3
Additional thanks go to Kole, who did an exceptional job of proofing, as always. Girl, your eagle eyes are so, so appreciated. Sorry about all the non-commas, but I stay being me
Also, massive thanks to Letitia from RBA designs whose incredible design graces our fabulous cover. I fucking adore your work.
As always big love goes to my nearest and dearest who make me laugh and think and give me hugs and head-rubs and point out when I’m being an anus and wholeheartedly accept my apologies; all the essential human things. How lovely it is to be yours.
ABOUT TESSA BAILEY
Tessa Bailey is originally from Carlsbad, California. The day after high school graduation, she packed her yearbook, ripped jeans and laptop, driving cross-country to New York City in under four days. Her most valuable life experiences were learned thereafter while waitressing at K-Dees, a Manhattan pub owned by her uncle. Inside those four walls, she met her husband, best friend and discovered the magic of classic rock, managing to put herself through Kingsborough Community College and the English program at Pace University at the same time. Several stunted attempts to enter the work force as a journalist followed, but romance writing continued to demand her attention. She now lives in Long Island, New York with her husband of eleven years and six-year-old daughter. Although she is severely sleep-deprived, she is incredibly happy to be living her dream of writing about people falling in love.
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Other Books by Tessa Bailey
Standalones
Getaway Girl
Follow
Baiting the Maid of Honor
Unfixable
Off Base
Line of Duty Series
Protecting What’s His
Protecting What’s Theirs
His Risk to Take
Officer Off Limits
Asking For Trouble
Staking His Claim
Riskier Business
Serve Series
Owned by Fate
Exposed by Fate
Driven by Fate
Broke & Beautiful Series
Chase Me
Need Me
Make Me
Crossing the Line Series
Risking It All
Up in Smoke
Boiling Point
Raw Redemption
Made in Jersey Series
Crashed Out
Rough Rhythm
Thrown Down
Worked Up
Wound Tight
Romancing the Clarksons Series
Too Hot to Handle
Too Wild to Tame
Too Hard to Forget
Too Close to Call
Too Beautiful to Break
Academy Series
Disorderly Conduct
Indecent Exposure
Disturbing His Peace
ABOUT EVE DANGERFIELD
Eve Dangerfield has loved romance novels since she first started swiping her grandmother’s paperbacks. Now she writes her own tales about complex women and gorgeous-but-slightly-tortured men. Eve currently lives in Melbourne with the boy, a bunch of semi-dead plants and a rabbit named Billy. When she’s not writing she can usually be found juggling a beer, her phone and a lipstick. Not literally, she’s really bad at juggling. You can find details about this and more relevant things at www.evedangerfield.com.
She hath various social media accounts
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She hath written other books
Something Borrowed
Something Else
Taunt
Open Hearts
Act Your Age
Locked Box
Degrees of Control
Captivated Page 31
