When Ethan got up and held out his hand I was a little confused. “We just got here.”
“I’m gettin’ a shower. Come with me.”
I gave him the stink eye. “No way. I’m not goin’ to divulge details, but I can’t get a shower with you. I refuse to be that girl.”
“Jesus, Chris, I ain’t askin’ you to put out. Share some water with me. Save the environment one gallon at a time. I’ve seen you naked, and you’ve seen what God graced me with. Stop bein’ a prude. You need my attention, and I need a shower.”
I slowly got up and followed him into the bathroom. Even though I knew we weren’t going to do anything, it was still hard for me to imagine that I’d be naked in front of two different men in a matter of only a few hours.
From the moment the water hit my body I felt a rush of relief. Ethan kept his distance shampooing his hair, while I stood there hoping the water would wash away all of the bad. With my eyes closed I got startled when two warm hands touched my shoulders. He pulled me close, running the bar of soap over my neck. Instead of letting him continue, I placed my head against his chest and started to bawl. “Don’t cry, Chris. You’re safe.”
“I’m ashamed of what I’ve done. It’s so easy for you to make friends. All I wanted was attention. I wanted to know what it felt liked to be wanted.”
He backed away and lifted my chin, forcing me to look up at him. “I tell you I want you all the time.”
“That’s not what I mean. You and I are… I don’t even know what you’d call it. This was different. He was interested, really interested in spendin’ time with me. I thought I had a chance. I believed that my life was goin’ to change. He’d introduce to me his friends, and I’d finally be able to walk across that damn campus with a smile on my face because I’d know people.”
“You didn’t? Please tell me you didn’t screw that douche for popularity?”
He knew me so well. I looked down feeling utterly disgusted in myself. “It doesn’t even matter.”
My chin was being lifted again, and I knew I had to look him in the eye and face the consequences. “Don’t you get it? Don’t you see how special you already are?”
I pulled out of his hold and leaned against the shower wall. My knees were too weak to stand up on my own. Admitting that I’d stooped to a whole new level in order to be accepted was harsh. “I didn’t just let him in my room and drop my panties, if that’s what you think.”
He leaned against the opposite side and crossed his arms. For a second I thought about how comfortable we were with each other, and how neither of us was staring at our obvious exposed body parts. “I’d hope not, since you made me wait for years to get some.”
“That’s different! Besides, I’d hardly call it years. After our first kiss it was pretty fast.” I snapped. “Don’t compare the two.”
“Why? Because if your time with me was more special you might as well start prayin’ for forgiveness for your lies.”
“It was,” I whispered as another bout of emotions washed over me. Ethan was giving me shit and I didn’t understand why. He’d slept with other girls, and been the one to make it clear we were only friends. “Why are you bein’ like this? You had a girl here tonight, but that’s okay?”
He let out an air-filled laugh. “Forget it, Christian.”
Hearing him say my whole name gave me butterflies. He never said that unless it was important. When Ethan began walking out of the shower I caught his arm. “Please don’t be mad at me. You’re all I have.”
His brows remained furrowed, and I could have sworn that he was hurt, even though I knew he’d tell me if he was. “I’ll sleep on the couch, you can have the bed.” It was the only words out of his mouth as he exited the bathroom, leaving me vulnerable and alone.
I’d often wondered what made women break in movies and sink down to the shower floor, but as my butt hit the cold tile I finally understood their pain. Even though I could say that Seth was handsome, interesting, and someone I’d totally date, I’d made a terrible mistake, not once but twice.
Ethan left me to suffer in my own pool of misery, not coming in to check on me like I expected him to. It was obvious he was angry at me for my choices, but couldn’t see how it was any different from how he made me feel when he was with one of his easy lays. I was just as human as him, and obviously nowhere near perfect. We all had skeletons in our closet, and if that was the only terrible mistake I made in my life it wasn’t that horrible anyway.
I took my time finishing up in the shower. Between my sobs and the fact that even my safe place wasn’t enough, I thought about going back to my house. Sure, there’d be questions and whispers behind my back, but it had to be better than looking in Ethan’s eyes and seeing nothing. It was another cold reminder of how much that love I had for him still existed, even though I promised it wouldn’t. The truth was that being best friends with him was one-sided. I longed for more, but knew it would never happen, so settling was the only answer, no matter how undignified it was to live with.
Chapter 10
Christian
His bed smelled of him, even though he wasn’t in it. I curled my body, hugging my knees while my sniffles finally settled. Ethan was just in the next room, albeit I didn’t dare seek him out. Whether he was pissed or just plain disappointed, I couldn’t face him. The best thing for me was punishing myself until regret was all that remained.
According to the blinking clock an hour had passed. The room was quieter than I remembered it ever being, making me feel alone. At least if I’d gone home I could hear the whispers. This was agonizing.
Out of nowhere I heard my phone vibrating. Since the room was so quiet I jumped up to get it before it annoyed Ethan. The number was Seth’s and my stomach dropped as I hit the ignore button and turned off the device. It wasn’t the phone calls that were going to drive me mad as much as seeing him in class. I couldn’t look him in the eye after what we’d done. I’d given him head in a movie theater for Christ sakes. If that wasn’t the lowest point in my life I don’t know what was.
As much as I would have liked to be strong and face that I’d made the decisions that had led me down this path, I simply couldn’t shake the ill feeling they gave me. After climbing back into the bed I struggled with my emotions once more. Even though I attempted to hide my sniffles, it was obvious that if Ethan was awake he could hear me. Despite the fact that I was covered and completely warm, my body trembled. I hated my life. No matter how hard I tried I’d always be the woman that was awkward. My desperate attempt for recognition was a complete failure. I’d never be popular, or the woman that men lined up in front of for a chance to date. My aspirations of being someone else were fading away, leaving me lower than I’d ever been before. Even my own best friend hated being around me.
Knowing that I’d never be able to sleep, I climbed out of the comfortable bed and gathered my things. It was a long walk but I’d make it just fine. At this point it wouldn’t even be a loss if I didn’t. Sure, my parents would miss me, and Ethan would probably shed a tear, but he’d easily replace me. Hell, he probably only kept me around because he felt sorry for my struggles. It was embarrassing knowing that I’d poured my heart out to him and he hadn’t returned the feelings. I should have known back then that our friendship was doomed.
Ethan would wake up and wonder where I’d gone, so I chose to leave him a note.
I went home to sulk in my own misery. Sorry I bothered you with my problems and ruined your night. It’s obvious that I’ve somehow destroyed this friendship. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for falling for you and ruining everything we had. If I could take it back I would, because I couldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy. I won’t call you to save me anymore. I’ll figure it out on my own. I knew college would tear us apart. You’re too great to stick around with a nobody like me. Thanks for everything, but I can’t keep pretending I’m happy. It’s best if I focus on school and nothing else for a while.
Love- Chris
I’d
made it to the front door before stalling to catch my breath. My feelings for Ethan had suddenly overwhelmed me. My heart ached imagining him not being a part of my life. I knew he didn’t love me the way I loved him, but was I willing to sever everything because of that?
I had to.
I couldn’t keep doing all of this myself. My schoolwork would come first, and I’d stay focused on that until graduation. Once I was out of college I could start my life over somewhere else. Until then I was going to pretend that my heart was intact, and that I hadn’t just lost my very best friend.
Ethan
After all this time she still didn’t get it.
Christian Mitchell wasn’t just any girl.
She was THE girl.
I’d known it from the moment she walked into my life so many years ago. Her mouth full of braces, and a big red pimple at the tip of her nose was my first impression, but I’d seen beauty.
We were paired as chemistry partners. Her voice was like an angel, and those green eyes captivated my soul. I suppose I could have told her how I felt. I could have asked her out, knowing she felt the same way, but I knew better. This girl was too special to get lost in some adolescent romance. Statistics told me it wouldn’t last, and I knew I’d be the one to mess up.
There was only one way to keep her in my life forever; one way I knew I’d never lose her.
I think for a long time I assumed that she’d always stick with me until I got my shit together. In some perverted way I hoped she’d remain single so I didn’t have to watch her fall for someone else. I knew she loved me, it was never a big secret since we discussed pretty much everything. I just always selfishly thought she’d wait for me.
I may have screwed around, sleeping with chicks that were willing, but they’d never hold a candle to her. They’d never be able to fill the place that I knew would always be hers.
I’d called her the night before because I was tired of waiting. Thinking she was finally coming out of her shell to get to know her new roommates, I didn’t give her a hard time about it. I never could have imagined that she’d go out and be with another guy, especially Seth. I didn’t think she’d find him interesting, especially enough to allow him into her bed.
I joked it off as much as I could, while inside I felt like I was being stabbed by a thousand daggers. Saving her from the bad date gave me empowerment, but it was short-lived. I should have known from that first moment that something was different. If anyone could read her it was me. All of the signs were there. I should have known she’d fucked him. It was just too hard to accept.
This woman that I’d put on a pedestal had betrayed my heart and she didn’t even know it. I’m not going to lie when I say it took everything in me not to come clean. The damage was done though. She’d slept with another man, and although I had my own skeletons, I couldn’t look at her the same way anymore. My perfect girl had been tainted. How was I to look at her and not feel destroyed inside? How was I supposed to look myself in the mirror and know that I could have prevented this from happening?
While in the shower I tried to be understanding. The brutal truth was that I needed her to be close to me. In other words, I needed to reclaim her in some caveman kind of way. Christian wasn’t like the other girls I slept with. She’d been my first for a reason. She and I shared something that other people couldn’t understand. We’d always been outcasts in school because we were smart. It was a shame that our intelligence had been the reason for failed relationships with our peers. High school is a hard place for a nerd to fit in.
Once in college we’d set out with a common goal to reinvent ourselves. It had worked so far for me, but not so much for Christian. I can’t say I wasn’t happy about that. Secretly I wanted her to remain untouched. It’s the reason why I knew I wasn’t ready to commit to her. I couldn’t be selfish and keep her for myself. I had to let her live.
In all of my attempts to do the right thing I’d somehow forgotten how precious our relationship was. I comforted myself with other women to prevent her from wanting me. I’d given her every reason to seek attention from another guy.
Being in the shower with her had been a mistake. I couldn’t look into those green eyes and picture them peering into another guy’s eyes the way they did mine. I couldn’t touch her skin and imagine that someone else had consumed every inch of it. I certainly couldn’t hold her hands any longer after wondering where they’d recently been.
This was a catastrophe. I needed to be alone; to dwell in the mess that I’d made of what could have been our future. Selfishly I knew I couldn’t tell her my feelings. She was too messed up over what she’d already done. Tangling more stress into the mix would be a dick move. Keeping her at a distance was all I could bring myself to do. I had to calm down before I was able to put on a brave face and pretend that she hadn’t just cut me into tiny pieces.
Hearing the door open and close let me know she’d left. More than anything I wanted to run after her. I needed her to know I’d never let her go. She had to know that every moment of every single day I was thinking about when we’d have a life together. My buried feelings had been forced free and now I struggled with the outcome. We still had two years of college; two years to make mistakes and find ourselves again. If she knew I returned her feelings she’d forget about what was important. I couldn’t let her lose focus. Somehow I had to get over this, and be the friend she needed, because losing her completely wasn’t an option either.
When I got up to retrieve my shoes I found the note. Her words caused me more confusion. Did she really think I wanted a life without her in it?
It made me angry, so much that I crumpled up the note and tossed it across the room. My next move was to call her and tell her off until she told me where she was so I could drag her ass back to my bed. Suddenly I didn’t care about Seth and what they’d done together. All I wanted was to remind her how important she was to my life.
The phone rang with no response. After a while it went straight to voicemail. I kept calling it, even when I’d gone out to look for her. I coasted every street from my place to hers with no sight of her anywhere. She obviously didn’t want to be found. It was the middle of the night. She’d be able to hear my car coming down the road and hide. I slammed my fist on the steering wheel out of frustration. By the time I’d reached her front door I didn’t care who was sleeping. I banged on it hard, waiting to be let in.
Becca answered in her pajamas. She was clearly not happy that I was standing on the porch. Instead of asking me what I wanted she simply opened the door and motioned for me to come inside. I burst through Christian’s bedroom door only to find the room vacant. After looking around for a piece of paper I noticed the used rubber in the trash can.
Sitting down was inevitable as another wave of jealousy hit me. Then I looked down noticing the messed up sheets and became enraged. I couldn’t take it. The image of that dude fucking her on the same bed that I sat on was like a kick in the balls. The reminder still so apparent, I reached down and began ripping the linens from the bed. Once I’d stripped everything off, I flipped the mattress completely over. I had to rid it of any reminder of Seth.
Since Christian obviously wasn’t home, I grabbed the sheets and blankets and left with them. After tossing everything in a local dumpster, I drove home still heated from everything that had transpired. With no sign of her back at my place I was left to sit awake all night, both annoyed and worried at the same time.
One way or another I’d have to get over my anger. I needed her more than she knew, and the fact that there was a chance that our friendship was over was making me sick. I wouldn’t stop until she knew the truth.
I couldn’t.
Chapter 11
Christian
I was a blubbering mess when I left Ethan’s house. My hair was still damp, making the shivering worse. When I heard his car coming my way I ducked behind a hedgerow to prevent being discovered. He couldn’t know how much he’d hurt me. Ethan had made it clear th
at our friendship couldn’t be anything more, and since I’d screwed up and slept with Seth, someone he clearly hated, I knew I’d damaged our already strained bond.
My phone rang until I shut it off, but not before seeing I had more messages from Seth. He was begging to explain everything to me, going on and on about how he and Mila were not together. To be honest it didn’t even matter to me. I couldn’t trust him, or his lunatic girlfriend. Drama wasn’t something I was used to, so it was important to stay out of it.
Once I’d shot him a quick text simply telling him to leave me alone, I continued walking back to my house. It was still dark out, even though I knew the early morning sunrise was only hours from showing its face. While the town slept, I was left to sob alone, without a single friend to call.
When I heard another car heading in my direction I ducked back behind a vehicle in case it was Ethan again. This time the driver didn’t keep going. They stopped and I heard the sound of the door shutting and footsteps heading in my direction. I peered around the car only to come face to face with Seth. The shock of him being the one person to find me made me uneasy. “What are you doin’ here?”
“I might ask you the same. What the hell are you doing out in the middle of the night? I thought you were with a friend.”
I shook my head. “I was. It’s a long story.” Frankly, I didn’t even want to explain it, especially with him.
“Come with me. I’ll take you home.” He held out his hand to motion for me to join him.
I wrapped my arms across my chest and stood still. “That’s not a good idea. I told you that we had nothin’ left to talk about.”
He seemed frustrated, gritting his teeth to hold back a boast of something he’d regret. “Look, just let me take you home. It’s dark, and who knows what could happen to someone who looks like you.”
I rolled my eyes and walked toward his car. “Sayin’ that won’t get you back in my pants.”
Christian Mitchell Page 7
