I nodded my head, not even knowing if he noticed. I couldn’t open my eyes and see him so close to me. The pain of rehashing the awful event was making me dizzy again.
The loud taunting from the living room was feeding the atmosphere around me. The negativity was preventing me from standing up for myself. I was outnumbered, and belittled, lost in an environment set out to destroy me.
Seth grabbed me by the hair, pulling it back and forcing me to look at him. My lips trembled as I kept my gaze on him. I was petrified of this guy, and people were laughing at that. “Check this crazy bitch out.”
They were laughing more; laughing at me, making me want to close my eyes and never wake up. They were awful people, feeding off his essence while they cut me down and ripped me apart. Everything I ever thought I wanted was hidden behind a sick façade of evil people.
Then I heard his voice; my knight in shining armor. It got louder as he came into the room. Suddenly Seth’s hold was released. He backed away from me, holding his hands up when he saw the size of Ethan; though both muscular, years of working on a ranch had given Ethan more definition. It was very clear who’d win a fight.
“You have one second to get the fuck away from her before I kill you.”
Seth kept his hands up. “We were just talking, dude. You can have her all to yourself now. I’ve already had my fill.”
I heard the sound of the punch before looking in their direction. It was apparent who’d thrown the punch. While Seth covered his face with his hands, blood was pouring out between his fingers. Ethan reached his hand out, pulling me up and leading me out of the house. We didn’t take time to gather my things, and honestly I wasn’t worried about them. All I wanted to do was get as far away from those people as I possibly could.
I’d like to say that I calmed down once I was in the security of his vehicle, but it was impossible to settle myself. Too much had been said for me to sit back and relax. I was the laughing stock of everyone, and soon they’d probably share the video with fellow peers from school.
I felt Ethan’s hand lacing with mine. He squeezed, giving me a silent reminder that he was there with me. I refused to pull away, knowing for certain that he was the only real person in my life that I could turn to. I’d wanted to die back in that room until I heard his voice. In that moment of despair I knew he was there to save me.
“Thank you,” I managed to get out.
“Don’t you dare thank me. It’s takin’ everything in me not to go back there and kill every one of them.”
“They aren’t worth it.”
“Yeah, but they deserve worse. I heard what he said to you. Our call never disconnected. I heard that bastard tauntin’ you. If I could reach through that phone and choke him I would have.”
I wanted to smile. I needed to. It just wouldn’t happen. I’d been through too much, and though I’d tried to be strong, they’d broken through my temporary wall of solitude and gotten straight to what I had left. I was nothing, and the idea of being whole again was so far out of reach it was impossible to imagine.
“I wish he’d killed me in that house, Ethan. I don’t want to feel this anymore. Please make it stop. Make it go away.”
I don’t remember talking after that statement was made. The next thing I knew I was being carried inside and laid down on top of his bed. He didn’t bother removing anything but my shoes before covering me up. I didn’t let myself fall asleep until I felt him climbing on the mattress. When Ethan took my hand I knew I was safe. That’s when I finally let myself go.
When I woke up to the sound of a rooster I realized I was back at the ranch. My bedding, a black and white tree theme, let me know I was in my own room. A warm body was nestled next to me. His hair was shabby making me think it was Ethan's. I reached my hand over to touch him, and when I did I got the shock of my life. It wasn't Ethan in my bed, but Seth. I screamed and opened my eyes realizing I was in a dark room.
The figure beside me pulled me close and kissed my left temple. "You're havin' a nightmare, babe. Go back to sleep. No one can hurt you now. I promise," he said in a groggy voice. With my heart still feeling like it was beating out of my chest I lay there awake, in the pitch black room. Had it not been for Ethan's hold on me I may have gotten up to get a glass of water, but I knew feeling protected was more important than being a bit parched.
There was a time so recent that I would have loved being this close to him, knowing it always lead to intimacy. It pained me to imagine ever doing that again. The thought of sex made me queasy, and I didn't see it going away anytime soon. For the most part I needed exactly what Ethan was giving me. He was my hero; the one person that would ride through the gates of purgatory to save me. While wide awake, I replayed the events of the day in my head. It was revolting how my peers had believed a liar over me. Seth may have been popular, but he was a known cheater. For them to gang up against me was surprising, to say the least. My mind wandered, sending me to consider my options. With no one willing to collaborate my story, I was left to either go to extremes to save my dignity, or surrender to the fact that he was never going to be punished for what was done to me.
Ethan stirred and woke to find me staring at him. It would have been nice to conjure up a half-smile, though I found it impossible. "What are you doin' awake?"
"I can't sleep," I confessed.
He moved the hair away from my face. "Are you frightened?"
"Not when I'm with you." I didn't have to be embarrassed when it came to Ethan. I'd spent years opening up to him. Even in my current state I knew he wouldn't dare hurt me.
"That's a step in the right direction."
"All of my stuff is probably ruined. How am I goin' to explain that to my parents?"
"Say the house got robbed."
"Where am I supposed to live? It’s too far into the semester to apply for housing."
"You're stayin' here with me. It's small, but we'll make it work."
Chapter 19
Christian
Was he crazy? Did he really think I’d be able to stay with him when I knew it was because I had nowhere else to go except back to the ranch? Did I think that I’d be alright with him pitying me?
I wasn’t going to let him do that¸ no matter how desperate I was. “Ethan, as much as I appreciate the offer, I think it’s best if I make other arrangements. I can’t be a burden to you.”
He chuckled. “Seriously? You a burden? That’s not possible. Besides, I could use the company.”
I rolled my eyes. “You have plenty of company. I hear all about them.”
He cleared his throat and looked away. “Yeah, well that’s different. It’s just sex with them, Chris. We’re not even on a last name basis when they leave in the mornin’. Havin’ you around will be good for me.”
If he was trying to convince me to stay he was doing a horrible job at it. Reminding me of his lifestyle made me want to grab my purse and run out of there, before I’d have to tolerate any more pain.
“It’s not goin’ to happen. You’ll end up blamin’ me for your failing sex life. The next thing you know we’ll be partin’ ways as friends, and if you haven’t noticed I don’t have many other people linin’ up to hang out with me.”
“We’ve been friends for a long time. Do you honestly think I’d let some chick come between us?”
I shrugged. “I have no idea what goes through your head in a single day.”
“I’m tellin’ you right now, I want you to stick around.” I got this weird vibe like he was getting agitated with me. Since I knew how much he liked having late night visitors it made no sense.
Secretly I felt like me staying with him could help with my jealousy issues; if no woman could come around to steal him away from me then I’d have nothin’ to worry about.
Then I came to the realization that it was going to be a long time before I could trust even my best friend in a sexual way. Every time I imagined being touched it felt like tiny pins were being jabbed into my skin. Closing my eyes
only made it worse, because I envisioned my attack repeatedly. “I’m hungry.” I changed the subject, feeling like our conversation was getting us nowhere, and requiring me to use too much of my energy, when I knew I needed to conserve it.
“Do you want to go out?”
I nodded. “No.” I didn’t want to go out in public, because I knew that if I ran into anyone I’d have to rehash the events again. I couldn’t face them, not now, and probably not ever.
“Chris, you know you’re goin’ to have to talk to someone about this. It’s obvious that you’re scared, and I’m not goin’ to push, but it’s crucial to seek professional help. You’re not the only woman that this has happened to. I’ve been readin’ up on this, and there are support groups in the area we could go to.”
“Stop it!” He said he wasn’t pushing, but that’s exactly what was happening. “You want me to go out in public and tell my story to a bunch of strangers? Are you out of your mind?” I could feel my body shaking as I spoke, reminding me how upset the mere mention of it made me.
“I never said that. You don’t have to share your story. A lot of people go there to listen. Maybe it would help to hear other people that have gone through similar circumstances.”
I got up and walked out of the room, refusing to hear him out. He didn’t understand that I needed to bury it. I wasn’t like those other women. Talking about it made everything come back full-force. I couldn’t continue to dwell on what Seth did to me, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to broadcast it to a room full of strangers.
Ethan found me a couple minutes later. He was eating a small bag of chips and offered me one. “I know you’re pissed, and you think you know what’s best for you, but you’re wrong. Let’s go to one meetin’. We can sit in the back and listen to one story. If you want to leave after that I won’t fight you. We’ve got to do somethin’, Chris. If you’re not willin’ to call the damn police at least come to a meetin’ with me, because I can’t sit here and watch my friend witherin’ away. Don’t you get it? This isn’t just hurtin’ you. It’s tearin’ me apart to see you this way. It kills me to see you wantin’ to give up. That asshole did somethin’ horrible to you, and it can’t be forgiven, but you can learn to move forward despite what’s happened. It ain’t goin’ to occur overnight, and I’m certainly not expectin’ a miracle, but dammit you’ve got to keep going. You’ve got to want to overcome this. Please, if not for me then do it for yourself.”
I stood there completely dumbfounded, staring into his lost eyes. I’d been too annoyed to hear that he too was suffering. “You’re right.”
He stepped forward and grasped my hands, keeping his gaze on me. “I just want you to be happy again. We’ll figure it out. I promise you we will.”
When he let go of my hands I wrapped mine around his back, burying my head against his chest. “I’m afraid.”
Feeling him kissing me on the top of my head was always his trademark, except for this time. I knew it was assurance that he was going to see this through, no matter what he had to do to make it happen. “Don’t be.”
An hour later we were walking out to his vehicle to head to the closest meeting. I got about four feet from his car door before noticing something was written all over his passenger side window.
The words LIAR and WHORE were capitalized in what looked like white paint. I froze in place, watching as Ethan circled around the car. “What the fuck?”
This was all my fault, but yet he marched over, took my hand and got me inside before even admitting that he’d have to clean it all off in order to drive anywhere.
After locking the doors and running back in the house he came out with cleaner and some rags. I started to climb out to help him, but he suggested I stay locked inside to keep warm. I was pretty sure he was more concerned about where the vandals were, and if they’d been waiting to verbally attack me again. Either way, I felt safer being locked inside.
We’d gotten lucky by coming outside when we had, because the paint was still wet, and came off with little effort on Ethan’s part. After tossing all of the rags, he finally got inside the car and put his head on the steering wheel while beginning to speak. “If I find out who did this shit I’m goin’ to hurt someone.”
I turned away to hide the new tears falling down my cheeks. They weren’t for me this time, but for my friend, who was now right in the middle of my battle.
The meeting was to be held at a local church. Once we’d pulled in the parking lot Ethan turned off the ignition and looked over at me. “How are we doin’?”
“You probably shouldn’t ask me that right now. Better yet, maybe we should head back to your place and forget about this.”
“We’re goin’ inside. I’m not goin’ to let those assholes come between you and recovery. Fuck them all.”
I faked a smile, wanting so much to be as hopeful as he was. “Yeah, fuck em’.”
We both let out a laugh before I watched him getting out of the vehicle. My stomach turned as he sauntered over to my side, opening the door for me. “See, I can be a gentleman.”
He offered his arm for me to hold as we walked, but I leaned my head on his shoulder instead. “You were a gentleman at prom. You bought me flowers, and opened the door for me.”
“Then I took you to a hotel and had my wa-. Oh shit, Chris. I didn’t mean…”
“It’s okay. I’d never compare the two.” The truth was that I couldn’t do that if I wanted. My prom night was amazing, all because of the man standing beside me. We’d spent the night in each other’s arms, after he’d satiated my every desire. It didn’t hurt that I was infatuated with him. That night I could have sworn that we were both in the same place as far as feelings. Everything was in sync, and he’d made me feel like the only female on the planet.
“Still, I need to be careful what I say around you.”
“I’m not a sheet of glass, Ethan. You don’t have to walk on eggshells to be around me. If you start actin’ weird I might have to punch you.”
He laughed. “I wouldn’t want that. You might damage my sexy face.”
“I’d aim for that first,” I teased.
“No doubt.”
It was nice to be able to joke just before opening the doors to enter the meeting. I was so nervous that I’d become sick to my stomach. As the bile rose to my throat Ethan led us inside. Sitting in a circle was a group of men and women. I wanted nothing more than to turn around and run, but Ethan took my hand and squeezed it, reminding me that no matter what, I wasn’t going at this by myself. He was going to protect me, and if I couldn’t handle it, he’d get me out of there as fast as he could.
Since I was desperate, it was important to try. I couldn’t go to the police, and I sure as hell couldn’t call my parents. They were dealing with my sister’s problems. They didn’t need mine to boot. I’d handle this, because I was out of options.
Chapter 20
Christian
“Good evening. I’m Eve. Come on in and have a seat.”
My lips felt dry, and I swore that I’d just eaten a cup of sand, because my mouth refused to open to address the woman.
Ethan reached out his hand. “I’m E-.”
“No names, except for mine,” she interrupted. “These meetings are confidential. What we say here stays here.”
In that instant my uptight body relaxed.
We pulled up two chairs, watching as people made room for us to scoot in. I avoided making eye contact with everyone, in fear that they would all want to know my story. Thankfully, Eve settled my mind.
“Who would like to share tonight?”
A young blonde raised her hand and waited for Eve to acknowledge her. She folded her hands together, but constantly kept moving her fingers around. She peered down at the floor in the center of the circle, instantly reminding me how I would be if I had to share my story in front of all these people.
“I, um, I came here tonight because my doctor thinks it’s a good idea. Since the attack I’ve become ag
oraphobic. I dropped out of school six months ago, and pushed all of my friends away. It’s taken me a long time to realize that none of this was my fault.”
I stared down at my own hands, praying that she wasn’t going to go into detail. Unfortunately, it didn’t go the way I wanted it to.
“It was a Friday night on campus, and I looked forward to a big bonfire that was takin’ place. I lived in the dorms, and felt like I was pretty popular with everyone on my floor. Most of us partied together on the weekends, and we became this huge click. It was nice to always have someone to buddy around with, especially after dark.” She fidgeted more with her hands. “Anyway, we got all dolled up and headed out to party and meet guys. I wasn’t exactly what you’d call promiscuous, but I wasn’t a virgin either. A bunch of us started doin’ keg stands and actin’ silly to get attention. We were dancin’ around, grindin’ all over one another. My best friend, Nikki and I started actin’ like we were together. A couple times we even kissed to get the crowd to react.” She started to sniffle. I refused to look her way. “We were just havin’ fun. We were out for the night not really wantin’ to hook up with anyone. In our eyes we thought it was the best way to keep the creeps from hittin’ on us.”
She had to pause again, this time because she’d gotten choked up. Eve chimed in that very moment. “Take a few breaths before continuing. Remember that you’re in a safe place. If you need to stop it’s okay.”
“No. I can do this. I’ve practiced it for a couple days. I can’t hold it in any longer, because it’s tearin’ me apart.”
“That’s good. Stay positive,” Eve suggested.
“I’m not really sure how long we were there that night. After all the alcohol we’d consumed neither one of us was in any condition to process something as silly as time.” She wiped her nose with a tissue that Eve offered her. “Things started to get fuzzy, and all of a sudden Nikki was gone. I didn’t panic, figurin’ she’d probably had to pee or somethin’. There was this guy there. He pulled me off to the side and whispered in my ear that he knew where my friend had gone. He told me she wanted me to join her. It was stupid. I shouldn’t have believed him, but I did. He led me down this long path in the woods, and when we got far enough away that we couldn’t hear the music he pressed me up against a tree and started kissing me. I brought my knee up high enough to make contact with his junk. The moment he sunk down in pain I darted in the direction we’d come from.” This time she began to sob. “I thought we were alone. I never saw the other guys there until they’d surrounded me. I could smell the dirt before they shoved me down onto it. As much as I tried to fight them, I knew I was no match for the group of them. I kept telling myself that I’d live if I didn’t fight. I closed my eyes and tried to leave my body in my mind. I prayed to God to help me, but they just kept raping me, over and over, all of them. Each one of them took turns over and over, filling me with their vile releases. They violated every orifice, while telling me how much they knew I wanted it.” She cried into her tissue, so much that I thought she was done with her story. “When I thought that it was finally over, when my fragile body was left on the cold hard ground, it started to rain. As the drops hit my face I opened my eyes to see all of them standing over me. They drug me through the thickets in the woods, naked and exposed. Even though I knew I was bruised and bleeding I’d stopped feeling the pain. I begged them to kill me; to end my life so I didn’t have to remember.”
Christian Mitchell Page 12
