She grimaced and tried to pull away, but he held firmly to her hands. “I’m not saying it to hurt you, but to help you understand where I am right now. I didn’t like the way it made me feel. Shit, I was probably the only man on earth who didn’t want to have sex with his wife. It wasn’t because I didn’t love you, but because I did. I wasn’t connecting with you because you were so focused on your charts and the end goal of getting pregnant instead of just being present, in the moment, with me. But tonight, you were with me. And we connected in a way that we haven’t in a long time.”
Her heart was racing so fast she thought it would beat right out of her chest. Her palms grew sweaty and she couldn’t stop her hands from shaking. She wasn’t sure she could bear to hear anything else he had to say.
“I understand that your mind went to the charts when we were done, because wanting a baby is something that you feel deep inside you. I get that. I understand why that was your first thought. But the fact that you were here, with me, while we were making love, was a huge step. And I’ll take it. Don’t beat yourself up because of what you thought afterward. This was major progress—for you, for me, and for our relationship.”
She only hoped he meant that. But what if, after he returned to his bed in his mother’s guest house, he had second thoughts? What if he decided she wasn’t worth the hassle? “I’m sorry, Justin.”
“Stop apologizing to me for your feelings. If you wish you didn’t feel that way, then that’s okay, and something you can work on, but for now, you have nothing to apologize to me for.”
She stared at him. How had she gotten so lucky to have this man love her? If he still did, that was, after everything she had done to sabotage their relationship.
Justin scooched down on the bed and patted his chest. She relaxed and felt his arms come around her. This was something else she missed—snuggling with Justin. Being with him, close to him. The physical and emotional distance in their marriage recently had gutted her even while she couldn’t stop herself from shoving him away. But he hadn’t yelled at her, hadn’t pulled away when she’d admitted how she felt after making love, and that was also a step in the right direction.
* * *
Justin listened while Maddie’s breathing deepened and felt her muscles relax as she finally fell asleep. But there was no chance he would do the same. The thoughts racing through his mind had his head spinning.
He had meant every word he said to Maddie about making love. The intimacy between them that had been missing for so long had roared back with a vengeance. His sole focus had been on Maddie, meeting her needs, and coming together as a couple. And while they were making love, he could tell she was with him. In the moment. Giving herself to him as much as he was giving himself to her.
And logically, her thinking about whether or not she could get pregnant made sense to him. For his part, he hadn’t even considered whether he should use a condom. They hadn’t used protection in so long that he could hardly remember. When it wasn’t time for her to get pregnant, they just didn’t have sex.
So she could have gotten pregnant tonight.
His heart leapt. Could it be that simple—focusing on making love without worrying about charts and graphs? He couldn’t afford to think that way. When they had first started trying to have another child, he got his hopes up only to have them dashed every month. And on top of his own disappointments, there was Maddie. His heart broke each time she took another pregnancy test and the result was negative. He wanted this baby for her, and for himself. After a while, he shut himself off from the hope.
It hurt too much.
And now that they had made love, would Maddie go back to the way she was, obsessing about timing and charting? She’d come so far in the time they’d been apart. He didn’t know if it was the counselor that she was seeing or that his Maddie was coming back.
When they first met, she didn’t let anything get in the way of what she wanted. A second pregnancy might have been the first thing in her life she couldn’t achieve with hard work and sheer determination. Making love without talking about using protection—or not—might have been a big mistake. It could give her hope she wasn’t prepared to handle right now. He couldn’t bear it if he shoved her back into the dark place she’d been when he moved out, wanting a baby so badly that she was unable to focus on anything else.
And did he really want her to be pregnant right now? His plan to repair their marriage was working. They were talking more than they had in years. And they had reconnected as a couple without focusing on the future or babies or anything but each other and their family. Bringing a baby into this before they fixed their relationship risked his long-term goals.
But what kind of man, what kind of husband, would wish for his wife not to be pregnant? Not wish, exactly. If she were pregnant, he would be over the moon and would work harder than ever to repair their marriage. But he was afraid. Afraid that a baby would be a quick fix. He didn’t want quick. He wanted forever.
Maddie murmured in her sleep and snuggled in deeper onto his chest. There was nothing he wanted more than to spend the night with his wife, to wake up beside her in the morning and make love to her when the sun was brightening the sky. But they had Aiden to consider. Justin wasn’t ready for his son to find him here and draw the wrong conclusions.
He grabbed his cell off the nightstand, setting an alarm for well before Aiden woke up. He could spend a few hours with Maddie in his arms and then sneak out before Aiden spotted him. It wasn’t ideal but he’d take it.
Chapter Twenty
Maddie wrapped her fingers around her coffee mug, staring out the back door, watching the sun rise over the trees behind their house. She cherished this time when the house was quiet before Aiden got up. Even more so since Justin had moved out. As much as she enjoyed her peaceful mornings, she was missing him with an ache in her heart that just wouldn’t go away.
It had killed her when he’d snuck out of her bedroom at four a.m. the other morning. She understood that they didn’t want to confuse Aiden, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. She’d felt him climb out of the bed and had pretended to be asleep, not ready for a conversation he probably didn’t want to have anyway. She’d barely been able to maintain the pretense when he leaned over and brushed the lightest of kisses across her lips. And then when he whispered I love you, it had been all she could do to keep from throwing her arms around him and begging him to stay.
He needed to come back on his own terms. He’d moved out without consulting her, and while she agreed now that this was the best thing for their marriage, his decision had hit her out of left field. Out of left field. She chuckled. She’d been married to him long enough that even his baseball vernacular had rubbed off on her.
But that had been three days ago… and he hadn’t called since. Hadn’t stopped by. Had only texted some brief, inconsequential messages, mostly about Aiden. Was he regretting what happened? Sure, he’d said all the right things that night, even when she’d admitted that she’d thought about her fertility calendar. But now that he’d had time to think about it, perhaps he was having second thoughts. Maybe he decided that she wasn’t worth fighting for. That their marriage wasn’t worth fighting for.
They’d been good recently… until they’d had sex.
Did this mean that there wasn’t a chance for them? That they couldn’t have a marriage without screwing things up?
She turned from the window at the sound of little footsteps as Aiden slid into the kitchen. “Hey, Mommy.”
“Hey, honey.” She crossed the room and swept her son into a hug, burying her face in his hair.
“You’re squeezing too hard.”
“Sorry.” She was letting her emotions get the best of her again. That had to stop. She refused to allow her self-doubts to turn her back into the person she had been before Justin moved out.
She fed Aiden and shuffled him off to school and then she was alone… again. Alone with a swirl of feelings she couldn’t control. Befo
re she could let them pull her down, she snatched up her phone and pressed a few buttons.
“Hey, Maddie.” The sound of Jen’s voice always perked her up. “What’s up?”
“I wanted to know if you could meet for coffee?” She tried to sound like nothing was wrong but knew she wasn’t fooling her friend.
“What’s going on?”
She sucked in a deep breath, willing back the tears that she’d been fighting all morning. “I, um…”
“I’ll meet you at Java in fifteen minutes.” Jen clicked off before Maddie could respond. That was just like her, and the reason Maddie called her friend. Jen wouldn’t let Maddie wallow, or indulge in the self-doubts that threatened to take over. She had fought hard to dig herself out of her depression—she didn’t want to fall back into that trap again.
A few minutes later, Maddie pulled her car up to the curb in front of Java. The coffee shop was just around the corner from Justin’s store. Was he there now? Probably. There was a lot left to finalize for Sports Day. She should be working on her lengthy to-do list herself. Instead, she was wallowing.
Enough of that.
As soon as she stepped through the door of Java, she was assaulted by the deep, rich scent of coffee in a variety of flavors. She hadn’t been here in a long time. She had sworn off caffeine when she was trying to get pregnant. Fat lot of good that did.
The coffee shop was decorated with dark wood. The shelves that lined one wall boasted mugs and travel cups in various sizes, many declaring some hilarious sayings. The dark walnut floors still looked as new as they had the day the shop opened three years earlier. There were only a couple of tables occupied at this time of the morning. But she didn’t see Jen.
Maddie stepped up to the counter. A young girl who couldn’t be more than eighteen beamed at her. “What can I get you?”
“A large vanilla latte, please. For Maddie.”
Jen hurried through the door just as the barista called Maddie’s name. She grabbed her cup, chuckled at the misspelling of her name, and waved at Jen.
Maddie slid into a chair at a nearby table and drew in a deep whiff of the rich, vanilla scent of her drink. The swirl of flavors calmed her nerves. Maybe it was just that she was allowing herself time to relax
Jen practically skipped to the table with a drink of her own and perched on the seat across from Maddie. “So, what’s going on?”
Maddie sipped her coffee, steeling herself for this conversation.
“Oh, man. This must be big.”
She drew in a deep breath. Best to pull this off like a Band-Aid. “I slept with him,” she said on a huff.
“Who?”
“The UPS guy. Justin, of course.”
Jen’s mouth dropped open. “What happened?”
“It was… I don’t know what to say.”
Jen held her palm up and turned away. “Wait a minute, I don’t want to know the details.”
“Trust me, I’m not sharing the specifics with you, except to say that it was better than it has been in a long time.”
“So, what’s the problem?”
What wasn’t the problem? Hopefully Jen could help her sort out the jumble of thoughts in her head. “Me. I’m the problem. Being with Justin was great. After all the teasing and kissing over the past few weeks, it was explosive. But then…”
“What, did he come too soon? Not take care of you? What?”
Maddie laughed. Leave it to Jen to jump to the wrong conclusions. Justin had never had a problem in the bedroom. “No, that part was good… and he definitely took care of business. More than once.” Maddie felt the heat climb her cheeks. “But then afterwards, I ruined it.”
Maddie expected her friend to prod, but instead, silence grew between them.
“My first thought was whether or not it was a good time to get pregnant. It was all I could do to not yank open the drawer and check the calendar.”
Jen reached across the table and covered Maddie’s hand. “I’m so sorry, Maddie. I’m sure that was hard for you. What did Justin say?”
“He was great about it, saying all the right things, but I could tell he was tense.”
“At least you talked about it. That’s more than you two would have done six months ago.”
Maddie fiddled with her coffee cup and then took a sip. The heated liquid warmed her insides. Between that and Jen’s support, she started to relax. “Yeah, there is that. But I don’t know how to turn it off.”
“Did you bring this up with the counselor?”
“I did. She talked about being easier on myself, but you know it’s hard.”
“I sure do. You’re tougher on yourself than anyone else would ever be.”
She couldn’t argue with Jen about that. “She also wanted me to think about how I would feel, what I would do, if I never got pregnant.” Maddie’s hands shook and she clenched them together. She couldn’t imagine not having another child in her life. Someone else for her and Justin to love. Someone to grow up with Aiden.
“She’s probably right. Not that I think you won’t get pregnant, because none of us know that.”
Leave it to Jen to be blunt. Then again, Maddie needed a dose of reality to set her straight. She didn’t need someone to pacify her with what she wanted to hear.
“Have you thought about other options?”
“What do you mean, other options? We’ve been doing fertility treatments for a while now. What else is there?”
Jen pursed her lips. Even though she was trying to soften the blow, Maddie braced herself. “You told me about the little girl you met at the Foster to Foster event. Have you considered reaching out to the group home? Maybe spending more time with her or another foster child?”
Maddie’s heart raced. She had loved reading with Sofia. But Maddie also remembered how she’d run from the building, unable to bear the heartbreaking stories of their childhoods. Could she handle spending time with Sofia again? What if she grew close to Sofia and then she was sent to a foster home or adopted by someone else? Could Maddie open her heart up to someone else? She had a feeling of loss every month when she got her period. Her hopes were dashed over and over. She wasn’t sure she could bear that with Sofia.
“I see I’ve given you something to think about.”
Maddie smiled at her friend. “That’s why I called you. I knew you’d give it to me straight.”
“So what do you think you’re gonna do?”
“I don’t have a clue.” Wasn’t that the truth? Her entire life was up in the air right now and she couldn’t make heads or tails of where to go next. “I hadn’t even considered anything other than getting pregnant. But I know that I can’t keep going on this way, setting myself up for disappointment every month. There have to be other options. I’d love to spend time with Sofia, but I’m scared. Either way, you’ve given me something to think about.” Maddie’s phone vibrated. “Oh, that’s my alarm. I have to meet Justin at the store to go over some of the plans for Sports Day.”
Jen waggled her eyebrows. “Yeah, sure. And then he’s going to show you his baseball cards.”
Maddie chuckled and hugged her friend. “Thanks again.”
“Anytime.”
* * *
Justin pulled out his phone and checked the time. Five minutes until Maddie showed up for their meeting. They probably could have taken care of today’s tasks in email, but where was the fun in that? This way he got to spend a few minutes with her.
He pulled out the plans for the event. He couldn’t believe it was only ten days away. There was a lot to do before then, but Maddie had lined up help and he’d even gotten his team to spend some of their required volunteer hours at the event. And the reception from the other local businesses had been overwhelming. This might be exactly what the store needed to get back on track.
But he had a different issue to deal with before Maddie arrived. He opened his messaging app and started a group text with his sisters. I heard from Rachel. She said she could come any night ne
xt week. When can you meet?
His finger hovered over the send key. Did he really want to add this into his life right now? With his marriage on the path to reconciliation and a boatload of tasks to complete for Sports Day, his life was complicated enough. The early publicity for the event had resulted in increased traffic in the store already, but he really needed it to go well. It would be better for him if he put Rachel off a few weeks.
But that wasn’t fair to his sisters. Any of them, Rachel included. So he held his breath and pressed the arrow to send his message.
Serena replied before he even had a chance to put his phone down. Any day. I’m ready. I’ll make the time.
Her response was sprinkled with smiley faces. Typical Serena. He wished he could go through life always finding the best of any situation, like his sister.
Izzy piped in. I can rearrange classes on Tuesday or Wednesday.
He stared at his phone a minute longer. Alexis hadn’t answered. It could be that she was somewhere that she couldn’t check her phone, but more than likely, she was intentionally not responding. She may not like the fact they were meeting Rachel, but in the end, she would be there whenever he scheduled it.
As for him, the sooner he got this over with, the better.
He pulled up the text from Rachel he’d received last night. He typed out the response that she had been waiting for. Tuesday evening at 7? He then proceeded to give her the address of the guest house. He had a better chance of getting Alexis to the cottage than anywhere else.
Rachel responded almost immediately. I can’t wait. See you then.
He updated the family group text and then shoved his phone into his pocket. As soon as they got this meeting over with, he could focus on his own life.
Speaking of which… Maddie’s car pulled up to the curb. He forced himself to shove any lingering doubts from the other night aside and focus on the fact that he was spending time with her. He gathered his papers, expecting her to stride into the store. But she didn’t.
After another minute with no appearance, he grew concerned. He snatched up his phone, headed to the front of the store where he could see her car, and dashed off a text. “Everything okay?”
Chasing Hope Page 15
