by J. Bengtsson
Oh, crap. Not this again… and certainly not at this very moment. “I’m pissing, Quinn.”
“Sorry. Please continue.”
Now that he’d graduated high school and was no longer under the iron rule of our mother, Quinn was focused solely on his music career and rallying for a spot as an opening band for the opening band on my next tour. We weren’t exactly seeing eye-to-eye on the issue. By using good old-fashioned nepotism, he and his band wanted to sidestep the process of actually earning a spot on a successful tour. There was something to be said for hard work, though, and if Quinn’s only route to fame was by piggybacking off mine, he wouldn’t have a lasting career.
I hadn’t even finished buttoning up my jeans before he was back on the same line of questioning.
“So?”
A heavy sigh was my only reply.
“Come on, Jake. Just give me thirty minutes of your time. That’s all I’m asking.”
No. He was asking for a lot more than that. “I’m getting married in a couple of hours. Can we postpone your future for another day?”
“You’ve been postponing for as long as I’ve been asking,” my brother said, kicking around a paper towel on the floor with the toe of his shoe. “Pretty soon you’ll run out of excuses. I mean, it’s a yes or no question. How hard can it be?”
“In that case, no.”
My brother’s eyes narrowed into angry slits. “You’re such an asshole sometimes, Jake. You act so high and mighty, but you’re not all that.”
I didn’t like the accusation in his words. For the first time, I realized there was more to his resentful attitude than just being a surly teen. “What’s up with you?”
“You want to know what’s up? I’m tired of you treating me like I don’t matter. Anytime I bring up music, you brush me off like I’m some kid with delusional dreams. Well, I’ve got news for you, dickhead, I’m going to be a musician whether you like it or not.”
“Be my guest. It’s not like I’m trying to stand in your way.”
“It’s not? Because from where I’m standing, it sure looks that way. All I’m asking for is a little of your time, and that’s too much for you to spare.”
“You don’t want time, Quinn. You want a handout. There’s a difference. I did it on my own. Why can’t you?”
“Because I’m not you, Jake! I don’t have a built-in tragedy to impress the judges.” Immediately Quinn’s face creased as he winced at his own words. “That… I didn’t mean that.”
But his piercing words had already hit their mark, and through bared teeth, I snarled back at my brother. “Fuck you! I know what you meant.”
“That’s not… I didn’t.”
“Save it, Quinn. Find yourself another sugar daddy. I quit!”
“You can’t quit something you never were.” Quinn pushed off the basin and brushed past me on his way to the door; then stopped abruptly and walked back. “No. You know what? I’m tired of you acting like you’re the only one who suffered. Did you forget that I grew up in the eye of your fucking hurricane?”
“Oh, well, shit, Quinn, I’m sorry if my suffering offended you. I should have been more sensitive to your delicate needs.”
Looking about ready to explode, my little brother stood there clamping his hands into fists. I waited for his screaming reply, but somehow he held onto his temper. In an even tone of voice, he said, “Actually, I changed my mind. I don’t need or want your help anymore. I’m done begging for your time.”
A sudden draw of air turned our attention toward the door just as Finn, my sister’s fiancé, strode in. Upon eyeing the two of us in our impromptu pissing match, Finn didn’t skip a beat. “Hey, guys. I hear this is where all the dicks hang out.”
His comment was unexpected enough to draw a snort of laughter from me. I glanced at Quinn in hopes the joke had evoked a comparable reaction and our argument would be over, but there was no levity in his terse stance. In fact, my sudden amusement set him in motion. Quinn headed for the exit, kicking the garbage can into the wall on his way to the door.
“That’s just the attitude I want on my tour,” I said to his exiting back, succeeding in doing nothing more than pouring fuel on the fire.
He spun around, his jaw tense and twitching, and I waited for a volley of grenades to be lobbied in my direction; but again, Quinn refrained from comment, choosing only to flip me off as he disappeared from view.
“Whoa,” Finn said, his eyes twice their normal size. “What’s gotten into him?”
“Apparently, I’m not making him famous fast enough.”
“Ah, like you did for me?”
“Right.”
After introducing Finn to my agent, his career as an actor had taken off, and he’d just wrapped up a supporting role in a major studio movie. But the difference between him and my baby brother was that Finn had put in the work. He’d struggled for years and paid his dues and now, finally, things were happening for him. There was no better way to appreciate success than to fight for it.
Quinn didn’t get that. He saw my early success and pointed to it as reason enough for him to get moving. But my experiences as a young musician had scarred me, and I didn’t want that for him. My brother needed more than just talent and looks to make it in the business… he needed grit, and from what I could see of his coddled existence, he had none.
I settled my attention back on Finn, who was appropriately dressed in a Spiderman costume, seeing as he was the human version of that specific hero. A former stuntman who specialized in jumps and wall-climbing, he could scale any surface with ease. Although after the arrival of his four-month-old daughter, he’d been spending a lot more time with his feet planted firmly on the ground.
Finn was a hands-on dad and had taken to fatherhood with ease. He adored his little girl like nothing I’d ever seen. His devotion as a father was one of the things that scared me about taking the next step with Casey. As soon as we were married, she’d want to start a family, and as much as I wanted that myself, I was genuinely concerned over the type of father I’d be. Most men went through life without ever knowing what they were made of. I, unfortunately, couldn’t say the same.
Shaking off the uncomfortable thoughts, I asked Finn, “Where’s your sidekick?”
For the past hour he’d been on daddy duty with a picture-perfect Gerber baby strapped to his chest. I suppose if you had to wear an infant around, my niece Indiana wasn’t a bad one to put on. In fact, I’d argue she was the cutest baby ever to rock a superhero bachelor party. Clad in a Supergirl onesie, with a head full of wispy, light brown curls, Indy was as cherubic a little champion as they came.
“Your dad’s got her. He knew I was about to bring Indiana back to Emma, so he talked me into taking a piss just so he could delay her departure time a few more minutes.”
“Sounds about right. He’s actually scaring me with all that impromptu singing he’s been doing. I mean the minute she’s in his arms, it’s like he turns into Barney the Dinosaur.”
“Finally! Thank you. I’ve been trying to figure out who he reminds me of.” Finn laughed. “Anyway, I’ve got to wrap things up because Emma’s expecting the baby back, and if I don’t deliver the goods, it’s on my head.”
“You too?”
“Huh?”
“Nothing, it just seems everyone I know is totally whipped by their woman. I expected more from you.”
“Really? Have you met your sister?”
“That’s true. Lucky for me, I picked a less complicated girl than you.”
Finn scoffed at that. “Every girl is complicated, some are just more skilled at hiding it than others. False advertising, if you ask me… like those damn erectile dysfunction commercials.”
Oh god, I felt a honeybee story coming on.
“They give men a false hope of what a long-term relationship looks like. You know how they go – the pretty, smiling trophy wife doting on her man while serving up hors d’oeuvres and rubbing his back… all while he watches the big
game on TV. And she’s happy to do it. I mean, perfection, right? WRONG. That shit’s not real. What human male has ever lived that fantasy? Not one… ever in the existence of human males. We’re talking not even cavemen, okay?”
“Well, cavemen didn’t have televisions… or, you know, hors d’oeuvres.”
“Focus, man!”
As he said that, Finn started stripping at the urinal. His costume was essentially an adult-sized onesie, and required a partial undress just to empty his bladder. We were friends, but not that good of ones. I turned away.
“You see,” Finn continued the discussion as he peed, “the commercials aren’t going to show real life scenarios. Where are the tampon wrappers in the trash? Or the home-cooked meal she makes that’s so nasty you wouldn’t even feed it to the neighbor’s dog, who barks all night while the baby’s sleeping?”
“I feel like you’re talking about yourself now.”
“I’m talking about all of us, Jake. We need to drop these lofty expectations of marriage. Sometimes she’s going to be a bitch and sometimes you’re going to be an ass, and all of the time the neighbor’s dog will bark, but you make it work because you love each other and she’s the only woman you want.”
Finn shook it off and redressed. “My point is, if she makes you happy, who cares if you’re whipped?”
“You’re missing my point, man. I’m not whipped, nor will I ever be.”
“Oh, okay,” Finn said, eyebrows arched high in amusement. “I thought I saw the movie La La Land on your phone the other day. Maybe I was wrong.”
“That,” I mumbled, looking away in shame, “wasn’t mine.”
“Right. Of course. And the ruffled, powder blue comforter with all those flowery pillows on your bed was your idea, then?”
“I…”
“Uh-huh. And the potpourri in the bathroom that smells like an Abercrombie model took a shit… also your brilliant mind at work?”
I hesitated. He was right. Casey was firmly in control of my masculinity. She’d taken over my whole damn house even though she didn’t even officially live there. I was already a goddamn honeybee drone, and we weren’t even married yet. “Well, fuck.”
We left the bathroom, and the minute we turned the corner, my father was there, flying Supergirl down the narrow hallway. Indiana’s eyes, wide as saucers, conveyed her pleasure with the activity by flailing her arms wildly. In the few short months Indiana had been on this earth, the two had formed an unbreakable bond. It was as sweet as it was irritating.
“Is she not the cutest baby you ever saw?” he asked, but didn’t bother to wait for a reply as he took off with her back down the hallway. Finn gave chase, much to the baby, and my father’s, delight.
I grimaced in annoyance, but nonetheless followed after them, having no other direction to go.
“Does she have to go?” Dad complained, pressing his lips to Indiana’s rounded cheeks.
“Yep, it’s her bedtime,” Finn confirmed. “Time to say goodnight.”
Dad took his time baby talking to Indiana before finally returning her to her father. Still unable to keep his hands off her, he ran his fingers through her soft hair before catching Finn’s eye and musing, “You know, Finn, I’m not sure if I say this often enough, but thank you for having unprotected sex with my daughter.”
Clearly taken off guard, Finn blinked back his amusement and answered in question form. “You’re welcome?”
After seeing off Finn and Indiana, I was intercepted by my brother from another mother, Mitch. Had it not been for him switching up the wedding party and pairing me with Casey two years ago, I probably wouldn’t be standing here today awaiting my own nuptials.
“The Green Hornet, huh?”
“Yeah.” Mitch reddened. “I got to the costume table last.”
“Really, even behind Ant-Man?”
“Yes, surprisingly, Kyle had one of the first picks.”
“Of course he did.”
“He scares me a bit, that one,” Mitch said, amused.
I laughed. “You and me both. I mean look at him right now. What the hell’s wrong with him?”
We both looked over at our younger brother, who had taken Lassen’s black wig and tied it around his waist to give the appearance of a giant, hairy bush. Mitch and I laughed at his antics. A lot could be said about Kyle’s questionable decision-making, but even with all the accolades I’d earned over the years, there were times I wished I were him, gliding through life in an easy, fun-loving way.
“Although I have to say…” Mitch broke into my thoughts. “Kenzie seems like a good fit for him. They’re both sort of nutty in a very functional way.”
“That’s the most accurate description of them I’ve ever heard,” I agreed. “They definitely bring the fun.”
“Speaking of fun, I’m really looking forward to his best man speech tomorrow.”
“Oh, god, don’t remind me. He has one directive… don’t embarrass me.”
“Well.” Mitch gripped my shoulder. “Good luck with that, man.”
I nodded, adding a pout for a touch of humor.
“Anyway, Jake, I just wanted to tell you how happy I am for you and Casey. She’s a great girl. I know you guys will be really happy together, just like Kate and me.”
Finally, someone who wasn’t regaling me with anxiety-inducing pep talks! He and Kate seemed to have an equal, and wuss-free, relationship. Maybe I needed to hang more with manly Mitch just to even out all the other questionable males in my life… although I doubted I could spend enough time with him for any of his awesomeness to rub off on me.
After his wedding, I’d aimed to be more involved in Mitch’s life, but the reality was, I’d only seen him three times since then. It didn’t seem like a lot, but it was three times more than I’d seen him in the ten years before that. It’s not that we didn’t want to get together, but he lived in another state, and, well, life got in the way.
“How’s Max?”
“As cute as ever. He’s at a really fun age now. Talking up a storm. And you’ll be happy to know, my son can actually carry a tune, sort of like his namesake.”
I was taken aback by the last piece of information. Mitch and Kate had chosen to name their first son Maxwell Jacob, and although I’d thought it was just a coincidence they’d used my name, Dad claimed it had been deliberate. Mitch, however, had never confirmed it until just now. Why he’d chosen me was a bit of a mystery, as the two of us had never been close.
“You want to know why we named him after you, right?” Mitch said, as if reading my mind.
“I’m a little surprised, is all. Don’t get me wrong, I’m honored, but you and I… you know.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s not about us, or the friendship I hope to one day have with you. It’s about your resilience and strength. Kate and I want our son to know you don’t give up when the going gets tough. Who better to look to for example than his uncle?”
Why his explanation bothered me I couldn’t say, but I lashed out accordingly. “Um… I can think of a lot of better people to look up to than me. What exactly do you plan on telling him about his uncle’s resilience? Are you going to leave out the part where I stabbed a guy to death?”
Mitch jolted at my graphic reply. See, I wasn’t the best role model, now was I? Maybe he should rethink the kid’s name. I mean it’s not like I asked for the responsibility of being a moral compass for his son. God knows I had no fucking clue what I was going to tell my own kids someday when the topic would inevitably come up, but I sure as shit wasn’t going to portray myself as some resilient protagonist.
Unfortunately, my sudden outburst altered our easygoing conversation, and now Mitch looked justifiably uncomfortable. Dammit, how much more socially awkward could I get? That’s why I needed Casey. She balanced me out and covered for me when my behavior lacked the required tact.
“Sorry. That was…” I shook my head, unable to come up with a fitting excuse. “Just sorry.”
Appearing gen
uinely concerned, Mitch waved off my apology while zeroing in on me and asking, “Everything okay with you?”
“Yeah. I’m just off today. I didn’t mean to lash out at you. It’s cool you named him after me, it’s just… I think you might be confusing my resilience with dumb luck.”
“Or maybe you’re confusing dumb luck with resilience. You know what they say about luck, right?”
I shook my head, not realizing it had its own saying in the first place.
“Luck is not about getting what you want, but surviving what you don’t want.”
I had no response to his words. I’d never thought of it in those terms before. If that were the case, I was the luckiest guy alive.
“Anyway…” Mitch shifted uncomfortably. We’d never had the type of relationship where heart-to-heart conversations were the norm. “Enough about that. I don’t want to upset you before your wedding. I remember being in your shoes. God, I was so nervous.”
“That’s me. All day, I’ve felt dangerously close to losing my shit.”
“In that case, if I were you, I’d keep my distance from Dad. The night before my wedding, he told me some horrifying story about…”
“The honeybee?” I shouted out, slapping my hand against the wall.
“Yes. He told you that one too?”
“Like an hour ago. I think I’m scarred for life, and that’s saying something.”
“Yeah, well, I barely slept that night because I was having nightmares of my nards exploding every time I closed my eyes.”
We both laughed, bonding over our shared trauma.
“Someone needs to keep him on a leash during weddings,” I said. “Or at least warn the others.”
“Nah, I think we should keep that information to ourselves. Why should the rest of them get a free pass?”
How could I argue with that?
“Anyway, I’ve got to head to bed. Now that I have a kid, I can barely keep my eyes open past eleven o’clock.” He gripped my shoulder. “Try not to get too nervous. Go into tomorrow feeling confident, knowing that what you and Casey have together is something special.”
“Thanks, Mitch. That’s the best advice I’ve heard all day.”
