by J. Bengtsson
“It appears we’ve had a leak, but there’s no reason for alarm. It’s really not a big deal. Security is handling it.”
“Does that mean the media is here?”
“They are,” he affirmed. “And a few fans, too, but they’ve been pushed back.”
“Pushed back? That doesn’t sound like a few.”
“It depends on your definition of ‘a few.’”
“Three or four… a few.”
“Right, so our definitions are a bit different. When I say ‘a few,’ I’m talking in the hundreds.”
“Agh, Kyle! Just spit it out! You’re starting to piss me off.”
“We’ve got a few hundred fans and paparazzi gathered outside the church. But the local police are on it, and so there’s nothing to worry about.”
“The local police, now? Are we going to have a problem getting to the reception?”
“Um…,” he hesitated again. “You know.”
I glared at Kyle.
“It might be best to take the pictures in the church, is all I’m saying.”
“Why?”
“We’ve got an overhead issue.”
“Overhead? As in a helicopter?”
“… -ers,” Kyle corrected, wincing. “As in plural.”
I could feel the frustration bubbling over. “So let me get this straight. We’ve got a militarized operation going on right outside the church doors, is that what you’re telling me?”
“Hey,” Kyle said, throwing his hands up. “Don’t bust my balls. I’m just the delivery boy, here to escort you to those on the security team that actually matter.”
I glanced back over to the other building, trying to decide what to do, but in the end, the approaching thump of rotary blades made the decision for me.
“Shit! Take me to Vadim.”
The long hallway curved around the back of the church, connecting the bride’s room with the groom’s. I’d been here before; had taken this exact passageway to sneak back to Mitch and the guys after the secret rendezvous with Casey a little over two years ago. Arriving at the end of the corridor, I shifted nervously outside the door where Casey was waiting for the ceremony to begin. Chances were pretty damn high she wasn’t going to appreciate my last-minute intrusion. The meeting with Vadim, the head of my security team, had taken longer than I’d expected, and now I was cutting it way too close.
I’d hoped my self-preservation instincts would kick in and I’d be able to just push the entire discussion until after we were married, but that approach had me feeling like a fraud. She needed to hear this before we were wed. This was no little white lie I’d been withholding from her. No; this was a life-altering truth, one big enough to put an industrial-sized damper on all our lofty hopes and dreams. How could I, in good conscience, bind myself in holy matrimony to Casey, knowing I might not be able to give her what she wanted most in the world? Dating her was one thing – she still had an out – but strapping myself to her side till death did us part, under false pretenses, well… someone needed to warn the poor girl, and that someone, unfortunately, had to be me.
Opening the door to the bride’s waiting area, I was assailed by the surging backdraft of cheap hairspray and high-end perfume. Unprepared for the onslaught of noxious chemicals, my reaction time was too slow, and before I had time to take cover, I’d already snorted up the poisonous vapor like a line of coke. The unwelcome olfactory stimulation drew an almost instantaneous pounding in my head, and a steady stream of toxic tears dripped from my eyes.
Still determined to find my bride, I stumbled my way through the plume only to find myself blocked once again, this time by a barrier of wall-to-wall green. I’d almost forgotten Casey had chosen this specific accent color until it assaulted my senses. Green … oh, wait, sorry: mint. She’d been very specific about that distinction, as if mint were not even a distant relative of the green family. In hindsight, I should have put my foot down on her color choice. And maybe I would have had I not lost my veto power after casually throwing out the idea of dressing the bridesmaids in black. Casey’s highly sarcastic response had been, “Ooh, yes, great idea. We could dress up the flower girls in some black lace, smoky eyeliner… maybe add an eyebrow piercing or two … or better yet, Jake, a neck tattoo.”
It took a moment to realize the excited buzz that had greeted me upon entering the room had now been replaced by hushed whispering, and every female in the place was staring back at me in horror. I usually got a better reception from women. Wiping the tears from my burning eyes, I took a step back, surprised by the adverse reaction I was receiving. Okay, so maybe I’d underestimated the breaking of the ‘Do not see the bride before the ceremony’ wedding ritual, but did Casey’s nearest and dearest really have to act like I’d broken one of the Ten Commandments?
“Jake!” My mother swiftly crossed the room, appearing suddenly nauseous. “What are you doing? You can’t be here.”
“I need to talk to Casey.”
“The wedding is about to start. Does your father know you left?”
“I don’t know. I don’t run everything by him. I really need to talk to Casey.”
Her eyes darted around nervously. “You’d better not be doing what I think you’re doing,” she whispered, gripping my arm and trying to steer me from the room.
“Mom!” I dug my feet in and pulled my arm from her hold.
Casey’s voice sounded from somewhere beyond. “It’s okay, Michelle.”
The bridesmaids parted the sea of green, and at the end stood my bride, radiating beauty in a strapless white wedding gown. I’d always thought Casey was pretty, but today, in that plunging neckline sprinkled in crystals … and the soft veil and the white flowers … the sight of her nearly brought me to my knees. I swallowed hard, trying to remember the reason for my intrusion until I caught sight of Casey’s eyes, flooded with tears. It was only then that it dawned on me why everyone was gaping at me now: they thought I was breaking off the wedding. Certainly the chemically induced tears I was shedding had done nothing but drive home the misperception that I was here for nefarious reasons.
“Casey, I…”
“Don’t even think about it,” she said, putting a hand up to stop me. Our eyes met, and hers were blazing. With her head held high, Casey grabbed her dress and stomped toward the door. “Not here. At least give me that one courtesy.”
5
Casey: The Wedding
Don’t kill him. Just hear him out. Maybe he has a valid reason. No, you know what? He’s leaving you at the altar. Kill the bastard.
As I walked out of the bridal room and into the hallway, I could feel him lapping at my heels. I spun on the pointed toe of my beautiful Jimmy Choo glitter pumps only to have him nearly crash into me. Without waiting for an explanation, I placed my hand on his chest and shoved him away with every last bit of strength I had in me.
“Casey…please let me…”
Oh, no. If he thought he was getting the first word in this altar-dumping, he was sadly mistaken. Not only would I be taking the first word but also the third, and very last one to boot.
“I asked you last night if you wanted to talk!” Each word in the sentence became progressively louder until I was shouting the final bit. At this point, I wasn’t even trying to spare the ladies on the other side of the wall. If I was going down, everyone would be going along for the ride.
Mimicking Jake, I began ticking off memorized lines straight from his lying mouth. “‘I’m fine, Casey,’ ‘I’m just nervous, Casey,’ ‘I want to marry you, Casey.’ That’s what you said!” For good measure, I shoved him again.
Although my throat burned a bit from the shrieking, I was pleased with how successful I’d been in impersonating his voice. Maybe I’d added a touch too much ‘whiny bitch’ to my impression of him; but then, the dream crusher deserved every tiny little thing coming his way.
My ex-fiancé seemed uncertain of how to calm the wild banshee in me, so he attempted the old ‘Talk the jumper off the roof’
strategy by lifting both arms up in a calming gesture and slowly walking toward me in soothing strides. Surprisingly the approach seemed to be having the desired effect on me, and I was contemplating hearing him out, but then he recklessly miscalculated by placing his pointer finger to his lips and saying, “Casey, shhh.”
“Do not ‘shush’ me!” I snarled through gritted teeth. “You have some nerve! I just can’t believe you! You’re leaving me? Is that what this is? You’re leaving me AT THE ALTAR?!? Do you have any idea what a diabolical douchebag that makes you?!”
“I’m not…”
Perhaps Jake was trying to answer my question, but I was in no mood to give him that chance. Waving my irate hand in his face, I continued my tirade. “Listen, sparky! I’m not interested in your half-witted excuses. How dare you? I’m just… I can’t even look at you right now, turd-bucket!”
Holy hell! That expression on his face had better not be amusement.
“Casey, can you let me talk?”
“No. I think we’re past explanations, you…you… polynomial pissant!” Oh, crap… had I just insulted him with a math term? Yes. Yes, I had. Dammit, I needed to focus. “We’re at the point now where I kick your ass across state lines.”
Oh, my god! Was he laughing at me? Unable to control the rage, I opened my fingers and let my palm fly straight for Jake’s face. Impressively, he caught my wrist mid-slap.
“Whoa, okay, right to the violence,” he said, looking more entertained than anything else.
“Oh, you’re going to get worse than that, dipwad! You realize my whole family is out there… aunts, uncles, cousins. I’ve even got second cousins once removed waiting for me to walk down the aisle. And my poor Aunt Betty – they wheeled her here from the hospital, Jake. The hospital!”
“It’s not like she was dying,” he said, releasing my wrist. “She had bunion surgery.”
“I don’t care!” I shouted. How dare he downgrade her very real medical condition! “She’s here, her toe doubled in size, and now, like all the others, she will get to witness my complete and utter disgrace!”
“I didn’t come here to break it off with you.”
I tried to focus on his face, but the furor had me seeing double. Please tell me he wasn’t proposing what I thought he was proposing? Did he seriously think I’d even consider continuing to date him after he callously dumped my ass at the altar?
“Oh, huh,” I tapped my finger to my lips trying to pretend like I was actually giving his outrageous proposal some merit. “So what you’re saying is – you just want to go back to where we were BEFORE you humiliated me in front of everyone. Wow. How convenient for you. Yeah, I don’t think so, assbutt.”
Dammit. I really needed to cool it with the insults. Now I was just grabbing any two off-colored words and hooking them together.
“The wedding’s still on,” he said, rushing the words out before I could stop him again. “If you’ll still have me after you hear me out.”
“What? I don’t… why would you pull me out here just before the ceremony?”
“We need to talk. There’s something I’ve been trying to tell you all morning, but one thing after another has been getting in the way. And then when I finally did make it to you…well… obviously, I miscalculated what your reaction would be.”
I could hear him talking, but he might as well have been speaking an alien dialect for all the words meant to me. I opened and closed my mouth numerous times without any sound until Jake came to the rescue, sort of, by transforming his hand into a talking puppet to illustrate his point. Finally I understood.
“Hold on there. Are you telling me that you scared the living baby squirrels out of me so we could have a nice little pre-wedding chat? Have you ever heard of the talking device called a phone, genius?”
The sheepish grin gave me the first bit of relief since his teary-eyed invasion set me on a collision course with crazy town. Maybe the wedding really was still on; but if that were the case, it made Jake the stupidest groom to have ever roamed this earth. I slapped his chest with my perfectly manicured hand.
“Would you please stop hitting me? You really need anger management classes. And assbutt? Where do you come up with that shit? I mean how awesomely redundant was that?”
All the tension dropped from my body as I felt the tiniest of smiles grace my face. “Well, you know, I do have a gift for the spoken word.”
He nodded in amusement.
“So, what are you saying?” I asked, still shaken. “Are we still getting married?”
“It depends. Are you going to continue hitting me?”
Jutting my chin out, I answered defiantly, “It depends. Are you going to marry me?”
We stared at one another a moment before dissolving into laughter. Once we’d quieted down, I slapped his chest again just because I needed to.
“What were you thinking, Jake? Do you have any idea how bad that looked back there? And why were you crying?”
“I wasn’t crying. When I walked into that room, it felt like someone squirted a napalm bomb in my eyes. The tears just started pouring. You know how sensitive my eyes are.”
Tears pooled in my own eyes as I struggled to keep the disappointment at bay.
“Hey, are you okay?” Jake pulled me into his arms, guilt evident in his remorseful face. “I’m so sorry I scared you.”
“It’s not that… it’s just, we can’t ever have that moment now.”
“What moment?”
“When you see me for the first time as I walk down the aisle. And your eyes fill with love and you think to yourself that I’m the most beautiful bride ever. That moment is ruined. I just don’t understand. I mean, I thought Boris and I were pretty clear with you about all the rules. Your only job was to follow them.”
He dipped his head into my shoulder. “I’m so sorry. But if it’s any consolation, I had that moment when I saw you at the end of the bridesmaid tunnel. You took my breath away, and I promise, you were, and are, the most gorgeous bride I’ve ever laid eyes on. In fact, I would have taken more time to marvel had you not turned into bridezilla and started calling me the world’s greatest insults. Sparky? Babe, that was epic.”
I nodded, returning his smile. “I don’t think I can stress enough how much you deserved it.”
“No, I got the gist of it.”
“So what did you come to say to me that was so important it couldn’t wait until after we got married?”
The mood shifted, and Jake’s relaxed demeanor turned troubled. “You asked me a question last night. I came here to answer it.”
I knew instantly this wouldn’t be something I wanted to hear. “Okay,” I answered, hesitantly.
“I should have told you last night, I know that. I just have so much trouble opening up. And then I had a bad night… didn’t sleep much… I felt terrible about lying, and I just really needed to see you.”
Regardless of the stunt he’d just pulled, my heart ached. I knew what rough nights were like for him, and I wouldn’t wish those on my worst enemy. “You want to tell me about your bad night?”
“Just… nightmares.”
“Ray?”
He didn’t answer, but his sudden rigidness answered my question.
“Don’t let him take this day away from you, Jake,” I whispered, lifting my hand to stroke his strong jawline.
“It’s not just that, Casey. I should have come clean with you yesterday. I’ve been worried about getting married, not because I don’t want to be your husband, but because I don’t want to let you down. You have all these ideas about what you want our life to be like, and I just… I don’t know if I can do it.”
“Do what?”
“Give you what you want. I don’t know if I can be the husband you expect, or deserve, and I sure as shit don’t think I can be the type of father you want for your kids.”
What the hell was he saying? And where the hell was this all coming from? Trying to regain my composure, I smoothed down my dress a
nd cleared my throat before asking the question I feared the answer to: “Are you saying you don’t want children?”
“It’s not that I don’t want them, but I see Finn and how natural he is with Indiana, and I feel like… no, I know… I can’t be like that.”
The revelation rocked me to my core. I’d just taken for granted that he was into the whole fatherhood thing. We’d talked enough about it, and he’d never voiced concern in the past… or had he? Suddenly, it occurred to me that every time I brought it up, Jake humored me before changing the subject. This had been in front of me all along, but I hadn’t seen it because I didn’t want to. How many other things had he been hiding from me in plain sight?
“You can’t possibly know how you’ll be as a father until you are one.”
“I know, it’s just…I’ve thought a lot about this recently, and I’m just not sure.”
“You’re breaking my heart right now, Jake.”
“That’s why I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you to leave me, but I can’t let you go into this marriage under false pretenses.”
“I’m going to ask you again – do you want to have kids with me?”
“I do… but at the same time, I don’t.”
“That’s not an answer, and I need to know this, Jake, because that’s something we’ve always agreed on wanting – or at least I thought we did, and now if you’re changing your mind…” I stopped talking and looked away. What exactly was I saying? Was I really willing to give him up if he didn’t want to make babies with me?
“I want them, Casey. I do. But the thing is, someday the kid is going to grow up and hear stuff about me. How can I explain what happened in a way that won’t scar our kid for life? Is it really right to bring a kid into the world who’s going to have to live under my umbrella with all the crap it covers? I just… if I had kids, I’d want them to be proud of me.”
“Of course they’d be proud of you. You’re so much more than just one horrific act perpetrated against you twelve years ago. You can’t base your future on what happened in the past.”
