by J. Bengtsson
Too many emotions… too cold… the ice had numbed my brain, and very soon the hypothermia would set in, and I’d be a frozen corpse. Only then would I be exempt from facing the pain that reality had just forced upon me. Not Miles. Not the big brother I’d adored my whole life. Not Darcy, as much a sister to me as I’d ever known. And their kids. What was going to happen to their kids?
“Do they know?” I asked, beginning to understand the implications of what was now happening to my family.
“Sydney does. She was still awake when Mom and Dad found out.”
“Is she? I don’t know. Is she okay?”
“She hasn’t said a word. She’s just… numb, like the rest of us. They’re going to let Riley sleep and tell him tomorrow. None of this feels real. Miles can’t be gone. He just can’t.”
“Where are Mom and Dad? Can I talk to Mom?”
“I don’t think she can talk, Casey. You just need to come home. Right now. We need you.”
After hanging up with Luke, I scanned the barren room, unsure how to feel or even what to do. Jake was in the middle of a performance. I didn’t have the time to wait for him to finish. If he knew, he’d cancel the rest of the show, but that would still take too long. I needed to get to the airport. I needed to book a flight. I needed help.
Sean, Jake’s manager. He would handle it. He could handle anything. I shot off a text, and minutes later he was in the room, scooping me off the floor. I hadn’t even realized I was down there.
“I’m so sorry, Casey. I don’t know what to say. I texted my assistant, and she’s securing you and Jake a private jet.”
“I can’t wait for him.”
“You won’t need to. I’m going to call off the rest of the show.”
“He’s only halfway through it. I don’t want to disappoint his fans. You can’t tell him until it’s over.”
“That’s not going to work. Jake will want to be by your side. He needs to know.”
“No,” I blurted out forcefully. I had no time to argue my point. I only wanted to be obeyed. “I’m telling you to let him finish. Please get me a driver so I can stop at the hotel to grab my bag. Then I want to go straight to the airport. My family needs me now.”
Sean grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to meet his eye. “Listen to me, Casey. Your family will want Jake there supporting you. Either let me call off the show or wait the forty-five minutes for it to be over, but please don’t leave without him. He’s your family too.”
His words hit where they were intended, and I gulped back the giant sob sitting in the crook of my throat. Sean kept his eyes trained on me, and it was clear he had no motivation other than concern for Jake and me.
“What do you want me to do?” he asked, looking strangely helpless for a guy who could do anything.
The first tears began to fall. This was real. My brother was dead. I couldn’t do this alone.
“Cancel the show. I need my husband.”
I was packing my bag at the hotel with the help of Sean’s assistant when Jake burst through the door. Even from across the room I could see the worry lines crossing his forehead. His eyes swamped with sadness, Jake hurried to my side and swallowed me up into his safe, loving arms. He represented safety, and I welcomed his strong presence. Neither one of us spoke. There was no need. We both understood the crippling loss and the unimaginable challenge ahead.
The sob I’d been suppressing bobbed up and down in my throat like a buoy waiting for a wave of emotion to knock it over. But right now was not the time to let it go. I needed to be strong. There was a little girl and a little boy who were worse off than I was right now. There was a father and a mother who were feeling the grief of losing their oldest child, and they needed my level head.
“I don’t know what to say,” Jake whispered.
“Why did this happen? Two kids are left without their parents.” The first prickling of rage began to rise up inside. “I’m just sick. Why? It’s not fair. None of this is fair.”
“No. It’s not.”
Jake didn’t try to reason with me, as he knew better than most how unfair life could be, and nothing he could say or do would make any of this right.
“My mom, Jake. What am I going to say to her?”
“I…I don’t know, Casey. Maybe there’s just nothing to say.”
No, there really were no words. Life had just changed forever, and I had no experience dealing with such grief. Even when Jake had fallen into a coma, I hadn’t succumbed to sorrow because I’d still had hope. This was different. All hope was lost. Miles and Darcy were gone, and no bedside vigil would bring them back. I was stepping into a whole new world. Burying my head into Jake’s chest, I cried.
We arrived in Arizona just past midnight and sat in somber silence on the drive to my parents’ home. It seemed no words could accurately express the mood, so none were spoken. Jake’s hand was firmly in mine, a reminder that I wasn’t alone even though the emptiness I felt inside could fill a stadium. It seemed I’d cried all the tears I had to cry, and my bloodshot eyes stung from the strain. Jake had been texting Luke during the trip and was tasked with passing on the grim information to me. There was apparently no point left in going to the hospital, as my parents had already identified both Miles’ and Darcy’s bodies.
Their bodies? That’s all that was left. I gulped back the shock of those words and of my parents having to say goodbye in such a manner. I wished they had waited for Luke or me, so we could have shouldered some of the pain for them, but at the same time, I was relieved not to have had to do that myself. If all I had left of my brother and his wife were memories, I wanted them to be good ones. But what of my parents? They’d brought Miles into this world and had been the last to see him go. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what that was like. I didn’t want to.
I hadn’t even known the tears had started up again until Jake pulled me tighter to him. Laying my weary head against his shoulder, I grabbed the arm he’d laid over my shoulder and drew it toward my chest, hanging onto him for dear life. His lips brushed past my forehead as his body settled against mine. It would be the last moment of peace for a very long time.
People were milling about as we walked through the front doors of my childhood home. It was a solemn affair that greeted us. Heads were hung in despair as we moved between grievers, adding our own sorrow into the mix. Miles and Darcy’s kids had both fallen asleep in exhaustion, propped up on either side of my father. I’d been told that Riley had awoken to the sounds of sobbing and had to be told of his parents’ death. Any later attempts to move the exhausted children into beds had failed miserably, so they were allowed to remain where they felt most comfortable.
Leaving Jake with my father and brother, I found my mother in the living room. She was sitting in the center of our sectional couch, staring at the wall adorned with family pictures, her own mother nestled by her side. As I came around the room and took the other spot beside her, my mother didn’t acknowledge my presence. In fact, I wondered if she knew I was there at all. She seemed to be in a sort of trance as her eyes moved back and forth over the pictures.
Meeting my grandma’s eyes, she lightly shook her head as if to warn me to keep silent. She then looked down at her hand, which was tenderly stroking my mother’s. Understanding the meaning, I nodded before folding my fingers into my mother’s and wrapping my arm around her back. Together the three of us sat like that for a long while. No words were spoken between us. Even when the kids woke and the sounds of their crying filled the space around us, my mother remained dazed.
I considered leaving her side to tend to my niece and nephew, but decided against it. My mother’s devotion to her children had been absolute, and now, in her time of need, I was determined to give it back. Suddenly, the sweet sound of music wafted through the air. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I imagined my husband sitting quietly at the piano, gently pressing down on the keys in a desperate attempt to soothe not only his own sorrow but that of those around h
im. My mother turned her head toward the sound, blinking a few times in rapid succession before focusing her gaze back on me. I could see the fog clearing. Jake’s music seemed to awaken her.
“Casey? You’re here,” she said, squeezing my hand.
“I am, Mama. I’m here.”
The lines in her face deepened as she cupped my cheeks in her shaking hands. It was then that we both succumbed to the sadness.
12
Jake: Bereavement
Miles and Darcy were laid to rest five days after the fiery crash that took their lives. According to witnesses at the scene, the young woman who hit their car head on had been texting when she ran a red light. Three lives gone, just like that. Most of the last few days, I’d wandered around aimlessly, offering support where needed and just being there for Casey as she and her family grieved. I was unaccustomed to being the supporter, as my whole life had always been about people rallying around me. I’d never really considered the toll my tragedy had taken on those around me until the tables were turned and it was I who stood by helplessly, struggling to ease another’s pain.
My family had turned out in force for the funeral. In the over two and a half years Casey and I had been together, a bond had formed, especially between our mothers. Last year had been my mother’s time of need, while I lay near death in the hospital, and it had been Linda who’d been there to offer her support; and now my mother was sadly returning the favor. Whatever bond they’d formed over the years was serving its purpose today, as Linda seemed to draw strength from my mother, who certainly knew a thing or two about grief.
My eyes settled on Casey. She was showing the enormous strain of the past few days, and I struggled to comfort her in her time of need. At this point, I was taking my cues from my wife and allowing her the time she needed to cope with the overwhelming situation. Her main concern now was her niece and nephew, and Casey had channeled her grief into supporting them.
As I watched her now, Riley was curled up in her arms. Only seven years old, his hourly cries for his mother tore at all our hearts. In contrast, his sister, Sydney, remained silent and stoic beside Luke. Although she’d shed a few tears during the service, Sydney was clearly holding back. Her body stood rigid, a slow simmering fury bubbling just below the surface. I wondered when we could expect the explosion I was sure would come. I recognized that look of utter devastation on her face. I could feel it in my bones. Her heaviness weighed me down in a way I hadn’t experienced in years. I’d gladly have borne the pain she was now carrying, as my shoulders were used to the burden, but Sydney… she was so small and fragile, a girl mere weeks away from celebrating her tenth birthday, forced to confront death and all its unsatisfying consequences.
Luke, focused on a conversation with his cousin, didn’t see Sydney slip away and exit through the back door of the church. Through the window, I followed her path to the large fishpond on the edge of the grounds. She appeared so tiny as she sat on her knees by the water’s edge. Not wanting her to be alone, I walked down the trail toward her. Sydney blocked the sun with her hand as she turned to acknowledge me.
“What are you up to?” I asked, kneeling down to her level.
“Finding rocks.”
There was a pile of them sitting beside her. I nodded, picking up one of my own and turning it in my hand. “Do you collect them?”
She didn’t answer right away, and I stayed silent. Finally Sydney tilted her head to the side and said, “No, I’m going to throw them at the fish. See if I can knock them out.”
I was a bit startled by her nonchalant admission. What was it with the Caldwells and their fish hate? “Why are you going to do that?”
Sydney looked back down at her rocks. “I just want to.”
Okay. That was disturbing. “What’d the fish ever do to you?”
She thought about that for a minute. “Nothing.”
“So is it nice to take your anger out on them?”
“Probably not,” she said, shrugging. “But nobody’s nice to me, so I’m not going to be nice to anyone else, and I’m going to start with the fish.”
“Ah, I see. You plan on starting with something small and defenseless and then working your way up.”
“Exactly.” Sydney peered up at me, the tiniest of smiles transforming her strained face. “I guess I could hit you with the rocks instead if you want?”
Her precocious comment caught me off guard, and I couldn’t help but laugh. With her humor and quick wit, I’d always thought of Sydney as a mini Casey. It was almost like watching her grow up gave me insight into what my wife had been like at the same age.
“How about this? We spare the fish… and my head… and use that shed back there.”
Sydney gave what I said some thought before asking, “Can I break the window on the side?”
“No.” I laughed. “Not the window. Geez, kid, work with me here.”
“Fine, but if we get busted, I’m making you take the fall.”
Sydney and I gathered as many rocks as we could carry and went around the side of the church to the old shed. All the guests were heading into the large reception room across the parking lot, and Casey caught my eye as we passed by, glancing apprehensively between the two of us, clearly seeking reassurance that her niece was all right. I nodded in reply. Yes, she was okay… a little malicious at the moment, but okay.
So as the others gathered for refreshments, Sydney and I spent the next ten minutes unloading on the shed. The hollow thwack of the rusting metal was strangely satisfying. Neither one of us held back, and we pelted the wall with ferocity. She seemed to gather strength with each punishing blow, and when our ration of rocks was depleted, Sydney improvised. With tears streaming down her cheeks, she continued the assault by kicking and beating the shed with every last bit of strength she had left. Whatever turmoil she was suffering in her head and heart needed this noisy release. I wasn’t concerned by the damage she was causing because it would only be temporary. I’d already decided the corroded hazard had to go. By the end of the week a nice, shiny new shed would take its place.
Sydney’s exhaustion stamped out her fury, and she slid to the ground, her back against the siding. She rested her head on her bended knees, the energy it took to cry zapping her of all earlier bravado. I skimmed down the shed myself and settled in beside her. Together we sat silently for a long while. I understood the benefit of quiet reflection. Not every situation required words. Eventually, she stood up and solemnly walked back to the reception room. I followed a few steps behind.
Re-entering the room, I sought out Casey, and when I found her in a tearful embrace with her mother, I decided to let them be. Filling a small plate with food, I took a seat next to Luke, who was staring out the window.
“Hey, you okay?” I asked. It was a stupid question, as his swollen, puffy eyes and crimson face indicated he was anything but.
“Yeah, I don’t…I don’t know how I am. I saw you out there with Syd. Thanks for watching her. I didn’t even realize she’d left.”
“She’s angry.”
“I know. She’s been taking it out on Riley.”
“Yeah, well, she just beat the snot out of the shed out back, so I think Riley will be safe for the next few hours. In the future, though, a punching bag might be a smart buy.”
“This is going to be really hard, Jake. I mean, how are we going to get these kids through this? I don’t know how I can do it myself. It’s just unbelievable, you know. One minute he’s here, and the next…”
Luke struggled for control, but it was a losing battle. “How do you go on when your world has crumbled around you?”
His brows furrowed as he tipped his head in my direction. It was as if Luke had just realized he’d inadvertently personalized the question towards my own formerly crushed past.
“I didn’t mean, like, I was trying to get advice from you because you know what it’s like to….” He stopped himself, looking miserable. “Anyway, it was a rhetorical question.”
> “Yeah, I got that.”
“You know the thing I keep thinking about over and over? It’s not Sydney and Riley being orphans or my parents having to bear the loss of their son. All I can think about is that I don’t have anyone to call a brother anymore. Brothers are like… well, you know… it’s just different. You’re connected in ways that are hard to explain. I always took for granted Miles would be there for me… that I could call him up if I was having a bad day or needed advice, but now he’s gone and I… I just don’t have a brother anymore.”
Luke’s body shook from the force of the realization and I felt the pain right alongside him. There was a time in my life where I thought I’d lost everyone I loved. The despair was raw, and I was filled with so much regret for what could have been. As luck would have it, I was given a second chance, but sadly Luke never would. I reached out and gripped his shoulder.
“I know I’m not Miles, but I’ll be your brother whenever you need one.”
13
Casey: Runaway Train
The weird thing about life was that it just kept moving on. I watched the days pass by with little interest. It was times like this that I was grateful I was an accountant. There were no emotions in numbers. You could always count on them to be there when you needed them. When it came to work productivity, I’d never been quicker or more efficient than I was now, in the throes of grief. The faster I worked, the more files flooded my inbox, and I attacked them with vigor, feeling nothing but gratitude for their sterile distraction.
After spending four weeks with my family, I returned to Jake and the tour. Although he’d been ready to call it off altogether, my mother made him promise to continue on like nothing had happened. But something had happened and now everything was different. The joy was gone. I stopped going to Jake’s concerts. The excitement of the crowd, once the source of much enjoyment, now rang hallow to me. How could anyone be happy in a world where my brother no longer existed?
