by Claire Ayres
Eventually he lifts his head and looks at her. Contempt and mistrust pouring from his features where previously there was affection and maybe even love.
“So, you haven’t shagged him then?” he spits at her.
“No, I haven’t,” she says, thanking God that it is true. “I told you everything, Luka, there is nothing I haven’t told you.” As the words sink in, he visibly relaxes, and finally holds her gaze.
“Really?” He sounds like a little boy, lost and scared.
“Oh Luka, why would I lie to you?” Finally closing that gap, Jess kneels in front of him, taking both of his hands in hers. She puts her hand on his face. “There’s only one man I want in my bed.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me what was happening, about the job, that he was pursuing you again, you let me believe it was a few phone calls and that they had stopped?”
“Because I thought I could handle it, I didn’t want to bother you, or upset you. I didn’t want a conversation like this to ruin something that was making me so happy.”
“You’ve been lying to me for weeks,” is what he says. “I knew there was something wrong, I asked, I begged you to tell me what was going on, and you refused to tell me. You didn’t trust me”
“It wasn’t like that, Luka…” Jess tries to explain.
“All of this,” he lifts his hands gesturing to them, “could have been avoided if you had been honest from the start. You just didn’t trust me enough. I’ve already been through the fallout of one relationship that didn’t have trust on both sides. I can’t do it again.”
“No, Luka, don’t break up with me. Please.” Jess feels the tears start to fall and she reaches out to take his hand, but Luka pulls away. Walking to the door, he opens it.
“Goodbye, Jess.” A cold shadow moves through his body, wiping emotion from his face and turning him cold as stone.
Jess walks over to him and reaches out for his arm, hopeful she can change his mind. “But. Luka?” He forcefully pushes her out of the door before she has a chance to fully embrace him and closes it behind her a physical representation of their relationship ending before it even got going. She sinks to the floor sobbing, her head in her hands. The irony that she is sitting exactly where she was when they first spoke is not lost on her, and this makes her cry even more.
“Jess?” A hand touches her shoulder. “Jess. Are you OK?”
Lifting her head, Luka’s friend Mark is crouching down next to her, a look of concern across his face.
“Are you OK?” he repeats, and Jess shakes her head with another sob wracking her body. “Come on.” He helps her to her feet and asks where she lives. She points at the neighbouring door, and he chuckles. “When Luka said you were neighbours I didn’t think he meant literally next door.” He helps her into her apartment onto the couch and gets her a glass of water. “Jess, I’m worried about leaving you alone. Is there someone I can call for you?”
Jess shakes her head, and he crouches down next to her again.
“What happened? He came back here desperate to see you and now I find you like this?”
Jess struggles to find words, her body too consumed with misery, and self-pity. “D-d-dumped m-m-me,” she manages before her body is consumed by another sob. Mark sits back on his haunches and shakes his head.
“Bloody idiot,” he mutters. “Jess, can I please call someone for you?”
She shakes her head then looks him in the eye. “Thank you.”
Mark stands up and places a hand on her shoulder. “I’ve put my number in your phone, let me know if you need anything. I’m going to try and talk some sense into my idiot friend.”
The front door closes, and Jess is left sitting in a quiet apartment on her own. She feels completely broken inside, but she is so tired of being broken, so she is going to lock that away and keep going because it’s all she can do.
Putting her favourite movie on, she curls up and pulls the blanket over her and it isn’t long before she falls asleep, her dreams full of being held close by Luka and hearing him say I love you.
When she wakes up the movie has finished, and a sitcom is playing on the TV. She lays watching it, unable to laugh, feeling that doom washing over her. It’s been threatening for a while now; she’s felt it bubbling under the surface and has been letting her joy at meeting Luka cover it up. Now there is no Luka, no joy, no reason not to let the depression in.
Her phone rings and she looks at it on the coffee table in front of her, not moving from her self-made cocoon, absorbed in her world of pain and misery. Knowing this is it for her, that she has caused her own suffering and hurt, that it is what she deserves. She hurt Luka so she deserves to suffer in turn.
--!--
A couple of days pass like this, Jess slipping further and further into a depression. Jess spots a card sticking out of a pile of papers on the coffee table. When she takes it out she realises it’s the gift card Katie bought for her birthday. She goes online and books herself a three-night break starting tomorrow at a cottage in the Cotswolds. She needs to get away from being so close to Luka; it’s breaking her knowing he is on the other side of the wall, and deep down something is telling her it will be good for her to get away and have some time out and fresh air. She spends another night sleeping on the couch before getting up the next day, packing a bag and waiting for the hire car to be dropped off.
It takes just over an hour for her to get to the Cotswolds and find the cottage. It is a lovely thatched cottage not far outside of Dursley. There is an Aga cooker, a log fire, tiny little garden, and a cosy bedroom.
Jess leaves her bags and decides to take a walk; the air is crisp, the sun is out and she has a wonderful few hours exploring the local area. Feeling some air in her lungs, she starts to feel some of the cobwebs blowing away and starts to think clearly again for the first time in days. Realising that she has to move on with her life; she can’t be consumed with sadness over Luka for the rest of her life, because he isn’t coming back.
When she gets back she makes some lunch before putting on one of the movies she brought with her. She wraps up on the small couch with a blanket and lets the movie consume her and distract her from her sadness.
The next day she decides she needs closure, a way of saying sorry and goodbye to Luka, so she sits down and starts to write. It takes several hours and multiple attempts, but she ends up with something she thinks perfectly covers what she wants to say. She knows she can leave it in his post drop-off when she gets home.
Dearest Luka,
I know there is a good chance this letter will be ripped up and put in your bin before you even read it, but I’m writing it anyway in the hope that there is a small chance you will read it.
I know what I did was selfish and stupid. I should have told you the minute that job happened who was behind it, especially when it became clear he wanted me back. I was so consumed with happiness being with you I didn’t want anything coming along and ruining that. More fool me, I guess, because I ruined it all by myself.
Ade never stood a chance, not for a moment, not once you came into my life. I felt things for you in days I never felt for him in years. You lit my world up, made me feel alive in a way I didn’t think was possible and I saw a future with you I never saw with him. I thought I’d been happy with him, I had no clue what happy was. And I thought my heart had broken when he left me I promise you that I didn’t feel true heartbreak until you broke up with me.
There never was a you vs him. You had me the moment you said hello to me, your music entrapped my soul and you entrapped my heart. I’d been telling myself it was too soon to tell you, and now it’s too late.
I love you Luka, I think I always will. Find someone who makes you happy. I’m sorry, more than you can ever imagine.
Jess
--!--
Jess arrives back at the apartment and hands the keys back t
o the car hire guy who is waiting outside the building for her. As she walks towards the entrance Luka walks out carrying his cello, his head held low, the spring he normally has in his step gone. She takes a deep breath and goes to walk towards him as he looks up and their eyes lock. He looks tired, his eyes puffy and red rimmed. He pauses then puts his head back down, picks up his pace and walks faster to his car.
Jess feels a stab of nausea hit her stomach: he couldn’t even speak to her. As she walks into the building she leaves her letter in his post hole, judging by that response he won’t be reading it. Making her way up to her apartment Jess manages to hold her composure until her front door is closed and then she loses her hold on her self-control again, dissolving into tears on the floor.
Chapter Twenty
One Month Later
Luka
Luka steps out of the airport into the cold Scottish air. He pulls his coat tighter around him, lifts his suitcase and follows Paul who has tracked down their driver. It’s been a month today since he broke up with Jess and it doesn’t hurt any less now than it did then. He had thought that by cutting ties with Jess he would stop the pain he had been feeling, that the discomfort he had been going through worrying that she was cheating on him for those few weeks would dissipate and leave him feeling free again. Instead, he feels like his chest was collapsing in on itself, that he couldn’t breathe most of the time.
The truth was he was completely in love with her and pushing her away didn’t change that, it didn’t stop him loving her. She didn’t make things easier either. She sent him a letter about a week after he broke up with her which he put it in the bin he couldn’t bring himself to read her words. She’s tried calling him a few times since and he declines her calls, knowing hearing her voice will ruin him.
Today the orchestra begins a national tour and Luka is relishing the time away from Bristol and proximity from Jess. The tour is beginning in Edinburgh with a three-night stint at Usher Hall. After what happened last month in London, Luka is on a tightrope with Henry and must make sure he performs at his best every night or he will be out on his ear so, despite all the feelings he has bubbling within him, consuming him, he must keep his composure and do his job.
“Luka, wake up buddy, are you ready?” Paul jostles him from his thoughts and the driver takes his case and bag leaving him free to get in the car, next to Paul.
“What’s going on with you, Luka? Are you still moping about Jess?” Paul asks, never one to beat around the bush.
“Not moping exactly,” Luka replies trying to avoid talking about this again. Mark has spent plenty of time bringing this topic up, telling him time and time again he should sit down and hear Jess out. Luka can’t do it though. He knows if he speaks to her he will give in, he can’t turn her away again. He is also afraid, now that he has pushed her away, what’s to say she didn’t go running back to Ade asking for reassurance and love from him? The thought of Ade stepping into his role, taking over as her boyfriend, was too much to bear. He couldn’t cope and to hear that from her would be too painful.
“It certainly looks like moping from where I’m sitting, Luka,” Paul continues. “Why won’t you talk to her?”
“Because it’s too painful and I’m afraid that I won’t be able to push her away again,” Luka responds.
“You do realise, that should tell you something, don’t you? The whole world can see how in love you are, I’m not sure why you don’t.”
“Paul, I know I’m in love with her, I also know that love only brings pain. I think what happened last month proves that,” Luka insists.
“Yes, love brings pain when you’re being a complete fucking idiot like you are now. I am sure you’ve felt more pain in the past month than you did while you and Jess were together. You had a falling out, Eric and I fall out all the time. The best part about falling out with someone you love though is making up afterwards.” Paul, frustrated, turns and looks out of the window. This isn’t the first time they have had this conversation, and it probably won’t be the last.
Everybody has become an expert when it comes to Luka’s love life, and they are all saying the same thing: that Luka is an idiot.
“Are you going to come out tonight?” Luka changes the subject, tired of hearing how he’s screwing everything up.
“Your brothers and Mark will be here, won’t they?” Paul asks, as always getting over his annoyance quickly.
“Yes, they are flying up from London this afternoon.”
“Of course, I will be there, it will be good to see the boys after so long.” When Luka asked his brothers if they wanted to come they had made their excuses. Then Mark called to say he had spoken to them and they changed their minds. Who knows what he said; knowing Mark, strip clubs and illegal amounts of alcohol were promised.
--!--
The bar is packed and Mark - the one who always thinks ahead - has pre-booked a booth which they all squeeze into.
“I’m really glad you guys came,” Luka says looking affectionately at his brothers.
“Well, when Mark explained the situation, we realised we had to come and see you,” Niccolo replies, giving Luka an appraising look, the kind only a brother could get away with. Luka looks at Mark, eyebrows creased in question and Mark shrugs his shoulders. Luka’s responding facial expression makes it clear he’s unhappy that Mark has told his brothers about his situation with Jess.
“I don’t know what Mark has told you, everything is fine, guys,” Luka responds with a smile, a smile that both of his brothers know is fake. At that exact moment his phone rings, when he looks at it, the display says it’s Jess. His body tenses, and he hits decline. When he looks up all eyes are on him, four sets of eyes drilling into him.
“Why didn’t you answer it?” asks Gerardo.
“It wasn’t important.”
“Your face said it was,” counters his brother.
“Well, I say it wasn’t.” He wonders if this evening has descended into the Spanish Inquisition.
“Well, little brother, I say it was. Who was it?” Gerardo pins him with his take-no-prisoners stare.
“Nobody important,” Luka responds, as Niccolo pipes up.
“It was Jess, wasn’t it?”
“Fucking hell, is nothing private anymore?” Luka looks at Mark accusingly while Paul sniggers next to him.
“We are your brothers, you should have told us ages ago what a mess this has turned into,” Gerardo retorts.
“I’m going to fucking kill you,” Luka sneers at Mark, who shrugs his shoulders before responding.
“You’ve not been listening to your friends. I thought maybe your brothers would have more luck.”
“This whole trip is a fucking ambush, isn’t it?”
“More of an intervention,” replies Paul.
Luka downs his whiskey and, boxed into the booth, sits back with his arms across his chest. Defeated. “Say what you have to say.”
“I want to hear what you have to say,” says Niccolo. “I want to know why you broke up with a girl you are still head over heels in love with.”
“How do you know if I’m in love with her? You haven’t even seen me in six months bar a few hours in London last month.”
“I know because your two best friends have told me, I know because you’re being a defensive bastard about her, and I know because when her name flashed on your phone a minute ago there was a flicker on your face of absolute joy.” Well damn, turns out Luka has an observant ass for a brother.
“Even if I am still in love with her, she hurt me. I can’t let myself get hurt, not again,” Luka says, quietly. This conversation is getting old, tonight was supposed to be fun, not this.
“Are you so stupid you can’t see you are hurting yourself every day you are away from her? How is that better?” Gerardo jumps in. Damn, he is being tag teamed by his brothers; this is like childhood gam
es all over again except more humiliating.
“But this hurt, it will lessen, it will go away, eventually,” Luka says without conviction because he knows he is not sure that what he says is true.
“I tell you what, Luka, you keep torturing yourself, and in a month’s time, you tell me if you are starting to feel better. I’m sure if Jess is the one, you will feel as bad then as you do now. And the only person you will have to blame is yourself.” Luka receives this harsh comment from Gerardo and slumps even further in his seat. “We love you, bro, all of us. Mark wouldn’t have told us what was happening if he wasn’t worried about you. Punishing yourself because of something that happened in the past is ridiculous. It’s time to move on, take some risks, for yourself and for Jess. Be happy.”
Luka sits back, deep down knowing his friends and his brothers are right and that it’s his fear holding him back. For the first time in a month, he reads the text message which has come into his phone since this conversation has been in progress and feels his heart break a little bit more.
Jess: Luka, I understand you hate me and that I hurt you, I won’t pester you anymore even though it breaks my heart to lose you. I wish you all the best in your life. I’ll be forever sorry. Jess.
Chapter Twenty-One
One Month Later
Luka
After Jess sent that text message while Luka was in Edinburgh on the first night of the tour he didn’t hear from her again. Being on tour gave him lots of time to think, too much time - so he immersed himself in his music and drank far too much whiskey to drown out the echoes of his brothers and friend’s voices telling him he was an idiot. He knew that much, but he didn’t know how to get past the fact that his heart was broken, and he was afraid to trust again.
Returning to the apartment after the tour was over Luka realises his brothers were right: his heart is in pieces still. He feels as though a huge part of his soul had been ripped out. He leans his head against the cool glass looking out towards the river and wonders how on earth he claws those pieces of himself back.
