by Nicole Baart
But Gabe was already chattering away, talking about eggs and orange juice and an upcoming kindergarten field trip to the fire station.
“Give it here.” Jess motioned for the phone, and when Gabe didn’t cough it up, she leaned over and pulled it from his hand.
“Hey!” he shouted.
“This is Jessica Chamberlain.” She pressed a finger to her lips for Gabe’s benefit, and shouldered the headset as she ran the spatula beneath the bubbling eggs.
“Is this 555-440-3686?”
“I suppose you’d know.” Jess laughed, an edge sharpening her voice. What kind of telemarketer rang at seven in the morning? “You’re the one who dialed it.” She lifted a hand to the phone and would have switched it off without saying good-bye, when the man on the other end of the line stopped her with a word.
“Deputy Mullen, Mrs. Chamberlain. I hope I’m not catching you at a bad time.”
Jess had frozen at the title “deputy,” and the scent of browning butter and crisping eggs thawed her enough to give the spatula a final flick. She switched off the burner and grabbed a plate, sliding Gabe’s breakfast onto it without the added benefit of melted cheese. He noticed.
“Mom! I wanted—”
She cut him off with a fluttering of fingers against his lips, but he was complaining loudly even as she hurried to the laundry room and pulled the pocket door shut behind her.
“Is this a bad time?” Deputy Mullen asked.
“No,” Jess said, holding the door shut against Gabe. He was trying to slide it open, to chastise her for forgetting the cheddar that she had promised. “We’re just getting ready for school. But, actually, Max isn’t here right now. He’s in the shower and—”
“Max?”
“Max,” she echoed, and then realized belatedly by the tone of his voice that he had absolutely no idea who Max was. Jess didn’t know whether to be relieved or alarmed. Relieved, she decided, and glided open the door to find some cheese for Gabe’s eggs. He was banging away and wouldn’t quit until he got what he wanted.
Thank God the phone call wasn’t about Max. Thank God this had nothing to do with what had happened last weekend. “I’m sorry,” she said, waving her hand as if this Deputy Mullen could see it. “We actually are a bit busy this morning.”
“I’ll only take a minute of your time. I’m with the Scott County Sheriff’s Department and I’m calling because we have a couple of questions for you.”
“Scott County?” Jess had located the shredded cheddar in the meat drawer and was sprinkling some on Gabe’s eggs.
“Near Minneapolis, ma’am. And you’re in . . . ?”
“Iowa,” Jess said slowly. She paused with one hand on her hip as Gabe finally, blessedly, dug into his eggs. He hummed contentedly. “Who did you say you were again?”
“Deputy Mike Mullen. I’m calling because it seems there has been an accident, and we’re wondering if you might be able to help us out.”
“An accident? What kind of accident?”
“We’ll get to that in a moment. May I ask you a few questions?”
“Okay.” Jess drew out the word as she sank onto the bench of the breakfast nook across from Gabe. He was happy now that there was cheese on his eggs, oblivious to the fact that his mom was growing more tense by the second.
“Is your husband around this morning?”
Jess felt her skin prickle. This Deputy Mullen had done his homework. He knew the Chamberlains were at the other end of the phone number he had dialed. He knew the number was registered to Evan and Jessica. “No. No, he’s not here.” The words stuck in her throat, but she forced herself to say them anyway. “We’re separated.”
“And where does he live?”
“Across town. I’m not sure how this is relevant.”
“Could you describe him for me, please?”
Jess sighed. “Evan’s tall, medium build. Brown hair, brown eyes.”
“Any distinguishing characteristics or birthmarks?”
All at once, the line of his questioning hit her. Jess’s heart thudded painfully in her chest and she sat up straight, her gaze wide and panicked as she watched her son forking eggs into his mouth. He was blissfully unaware. Jess got up and walked into the dining room on the balls of her feet, as if the tap of her heels might alert her baby to the fact that a cop was asking some pretty terrifying questions.
“No.” The word was barely a whisper. She tried again. “Evan has a scar from an appendectomy when he was a kid, but I suppose that’s not unusual. You need to tell me what’s going on here.”
“There’s been an accident,” Deputy Mullen said again. “A body was discovered yesterday afternoon on public hunting land—”
“A body?”
“Middle-aged man, gray hair, one hundred and sixty-eight pounds. No . . .” He paused. A shuffle of papers, a word muffled with his hand over the mouthpiece of the phone. Then: “No identification.”
Jess began shaking her head the second she heard “gray hair.” Evan was forty-one, but his hair was a dark mahogany color that she had admired from the moment she laid eyes on him nearly twenty years ago. Even after all this time it was thick and glossy, not a streak of gray in it. And he had perfect eyesight—well, almost. He wore drugstore reading glasses at night sometimes when he was in the middle of a chapter and she wanted to sleep. He had left them in the nightstand next to his side of the bed when he moved out, and she had never bothered to return them. Not because she was malicious, but because she liked the way they looked sitting cross-legged beneath the desk lamp. The slender X of the tortoiseshell stems was homey, comforting. They seemed to say: Be back soon.
But Jess didn’t say any of this. “It’s not him,” she breathed, and was surprised at the tears that had sprung to her eyes, the sudden quiver in her voice. “It’s not Evan. It can’t be. He’s six foot two and a hundred and ninety pounds. What made you think it might be him?”
“I think we’re getting a bit ahead of ourselves, Mrs. Chamberlain.”
“Oh.” She sagged a little and found herself leaning against the edge of the dining room table. It was such a relief she wondered how she had stood at all as these horrifying possibilities unfurled like ghosts in the air around her. “Why are you calling me?”
“We found your number written on a piece of paper in the victim’s pocket.”
“This number? You mean this phone number?” Jess shook her head. “But we don’t even use our landline. We only have it for emergencies—for the boys or babysitters to use. It’s not even listed.”
“We’re exploring every lead, Mrs. Chamberlain,” Deputy Mullen said. “This is just one of them. Thank you for your help.”
“I’m not sure I was very helpful.”
“Could I take down your cell phone number in case we have any follow-up questions?”
Jess rattled it off without hesitation, eager to hang up and leave such an unsettling conversation behind her. Deputy Mullen would never call again—there would be no reason to. It was ridiculous to think that the Chamberlains’ home phone number had been written on a piece of paper in a stranger’s pocket. In a dead man’s pocket. “Maybe it’s a code,” she wondered out loud. “A password or a combination or something.”
“Possibly. Thanks again for your time.”
“Of course.” Jess couldn’t keep the relief out of her voice. But when she turned off the phone, it shook in her hand.
“Who was that?” Max stood at the bottom of the stairs, his damp hair the color of sand and his blue eyes narrowed. Her landlocked surfer boy. She wanted to tuck a piece of that long hair behind his ear, but Max was looking at her as if he already didn’t trust what she was going to say. He was wearing an old shirt of his dad’s, a fading maroon T that proclaimed Gryffindor the quidditch champs. Jess had made fun of Evan for buying it, accusing him of being too old to pull it off, but it looked great on Max. Jess fought the urge to smooth it across his shoulders.
“No one you know,” she said truthfully.
She was already forgetting about the call, filing it away someplace where she would never have to think about it again. What a morbid way to start the day.
Max eyed her skeptically. The set of his jaw was tough, but it was difficult for him to ask: “Was that about . . . ?”
He couldn’t finish. Didn’t have to. “No,” Jess said quickly. “Principal Vonk told me that they wouldn’t press charges if you do your part. Tomorrow morning—”
“Yeah.” Max cut her off abruptly and swung his backpack onto his shoulder. She hadn’t even realized he was carrying it.
“Are you leaving already? Gabe is finishing up breakfast. I’ll help him throw some clothes on and we can all go together.”
“No thanks.”
“Don’t you want a ride?”
Max was already swinging open the front door. “I’ll walk,” he said without turning around. “Bye.”
“Max?”
But he was already gone.
* * *
June 2012
I don’t know how to address this letter. But I know exactly what I want to say, so I’ll skip the formalities and get right to it.
I know we agreed to a closed adoption, and I need you to understand right off that I have no desire to change my mind now. And yet, I can’t walk away from this without at least setting the record straight. I’m not who you likely think I am, some tragic character who was coerced into a decision that I will forever regret. I was nineteen years old when I found out I was pregnant, happy and independent and working through a bachelor’s degree in political science. I was not (nor have I ever been) a drug addict or alcoholic; I was not raped or abused or neglected. And I knew, even as I stared at the pregnancy test in the bathroom of my college dorm room, that I would never abort my baby. I also knew that I couldn’t parent the child growing inside me.
I decided not to keep my son because I want more for him than I can provide. And I want more for me. I can’t see myself as a baby mommy, diaper bag slung over my shoulder and spit-up stains on my shirt. I want a career in law, an apartment downtown, drinks at the corner pub after a long day at the office. That’s no life for a kid. Every child deserves a family, and I want that for my boy. A home that sometimes smells of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies and bedtime bubble baths with a yellow rubber ducky. A daddy and a backyard and Saturday morning cartoons. Siblings. I can’t provide any of that. Not now. But you can.
Love him well. Take him to a Twins game every summer and buy him a hot dog and a big bag of popcorn with extra butter. One year, be sure to wrap a brand-new bicycle and stick it crooked beneath the Christmas tree. Play board games and have a standing family movie night and always, always show him that you love him to the moon and back. And tell him that his birth mom was smart and strong and that she loved him so much she gave him the sort of life he deserved.
Thank you for telling him the truth.
LaShonna Tate
(and yes, this is my real name—just in case he’d like to find me someday)
Jordyn B.
31, African American, BEd
Natural hair, brown eyes, short, thin. Funny, well educated, dog lover.
Sister involved.
AA/DW, 40m, 32w
CHAPTER 2
“HAVE A GOOD day!” Jess twisted around as Gabe clicked off his seat belt. “Give Mommy a kiss before you go. And don’t forget that Daddy is picking you up after school tonight.”
Gabe launched himself over the back of the seat and took Jess’s face in both of his hands. He kissed her full on the lips and then pressed the tip of his nose to hers for just a second. “I want Daddy to come home.”
“You get to go swimming tonight,” Jess said, trying to distract him. “Remember? Daddy takes you swimming on Friday nights.”
“Max doesn’t want to go.”
“Well, Max can get over it.”
“Maybe Dad will take us to McDonald’s before the pool. I want a Superman Happy Meal.” Gabe slid across the backseat and wrenched open the car door, letting in a cold blast of late October air. Jess shivered, grateful for the knit stocking cap that she had crammed onto his head in the moment before they left the house. “Bye, Mom! Love you!”
“Love you too, buddy! Be good! I’ll see you Sunday!” But the slam of the door cut off her final words.
Jess watched through the window as Gabe ran across the sidewalk. The bell hadn’t rung yet, and the kids of Auburn Elementary were gathered in front of the school, talking and laughing and playing little games to stay warm. Freeze tag and a series of elaborate hand songs that involved clapping and shouting. One little girl threw her arms up in the air and almost knocked over Gabe as he wove through the crowd.
A short, friendly honk reminded Jess that she had paused in the drop-off lane for just a second longer than necessary, but she continued to stare at the clusters of kids as she let her foot off the brake and slowly eased forward. Gabe didn’t join a group. He never did. He just beetled straight for the doors and stood expectantly, fingers twisted through his backpack straps and face lifted toward the clock that would strike eight in less than two minutes and let him in.
Jess wished for the hundredth time that Max was still at the elementary campus instead of ensconced in the middle school. He could be moody, but he was protective of his little brother. Sadly, he rarely got the chance to lend Gabe the protection and exclusivity of his eighth-grade star wide receiver wings. The middle school and high school were attached, but Max’s entrance was on the other side of the block from the elementary school, and he was no doubt already leaning against his locker, eating a jelly-filled doughnut. His favorite. Maybe if Jess bought doughnuts for breakfast he’d sit in the kitchen and eat with them instead of disappearing as quickly as possible. Maybe he’d let her drop him off and spend just a couple of minutes waiting with Gabe so he didn’t have to stand surrounded by people but utterly alone.
The sprawling, combined high school and middle school building faced the elementary campus across a private road and a wide parking lot. With a population of just over ten thousand, Auburn was hardly a bustling metropolis, but the public school system was large and well funded. The elementary building was brand-new, and so was the huge parking lot where Jess took the last space marked “staff.” She was later than usual, but sat in her car a few seconds longer to check on Evan.
Instinct caused her to pull up his name in her contacts and tap the little phone icon. Deputy Mullen’s unnerving call still rippled like static against her skin and she longed to hear Evan’s voice. But his number only rang once before Jess quickly hit end. Of course he was fine. He was at work right now, his personal cell phone replaced by the clinic phones that all the staff used. And really, a phone call would send a different type of message altogether. Jess didn’t have time to consider every possible scenario—the things that Evan might read into a voice mail, her choice of words, the tone she used—so she texted instead: Don’t forget to pick up the kids after school. Gabe is looking forward to swimming. And McDonald’s. Max-code black.
Jess smiled a little in spite of herself. Max had always been a solemn boy, serious and intellectual and unimpressed by frivolity. The Chamberlains were used to it. But when Max was in a truly dark mood, they had learned it was best to give him a wide berth. He was only seven when Evan instituted the Maxwell Chamberlain alert system. Code black was the highest level warning. Steer clear.
Classes began at the high school at eight thirty sharp, but Jess’s first period was free. She used the time to grade a couple of reading responses and assign roles to her tenth-grade students for act 1, scene 5 of Romeo and Juliet. The party scene. They pretended to hate the play, but she knew they secretly loved it. And though they’d rather die than admit they enjoyed acting it out, it was by far the easiest way to help them understand exactly what was happening as the play unfolded. She had a navy cape for Romeo and a pair of ivory angel’s wings for Juliet; Mercutio wore a dark purple hat with a ratty-looking peacock feather sticking out of
it and Tybalt a leather scabbard with a cardboard-and-tinfoil sword. Ridiculous, and intentionally so, for the less her students took themselves seriously, the more they fell under the spell of the play. When they watched the Baz Luhrmann movie at the end of the unit, even some of the boys would inevitably blink back tears. It happened every year.
“Are you still doing that?”
Jess looked up, Juliet’s angel wings in one hand and a piece of Scotch tape crumpling over on itself in the other. The fine, gauzy fabric had torn a bit, and since she didn’t sew, tape was the best she could do. “What do you mean?” Jess managed a crooked grin as Meredith Bailey, her best friend, walked into the classroom. It wasn’t uncommon to see Meredith at school—she washed dishes at least once a month and volunteered when the guidance counselor needed an extra hand.
“The whole Romeo and Juliet thing. My kids hated acting that out in your class.”
Jess laughed. “Did not. I distinctly remember Jayden made a very convincing Paris. ‘O, I am slain! If thou be merciful, Open the tomb, lay me with Juliet.’ ”
“Do you have the whole thing memorized?” Meredith’s nose crinkled as if she had tasted something sour.
“Almost. What are you doing here? Are you on dish duty today?”
Meredith held up an accordion file. “Jayden forgot her research notes for her senior paper. I’m being the dutiful mother.”
“Nicely done. You get an A for the day.” Jess bobbed her chin to motion Meredith over. “Can you help me with this a minute? Apparently I can’t hold the fabric together and tape it at the same time.”
Meredith huffed at the inconvenience, but she was smiling. “Are we still on for tonight?” she asked, lifting a new piece of tape from the dispenser and sealing the tiny hole.
“Of course. Wine, chick flick, yoga pants. No kids.” Jess tried to make their girls’ night in sound exciting, but the words felt lifeless on her tongue. She knew that Meredith was trying to be a good friend, that she wanted to be supportive of the new reality that Jess found herself living, but they were both fumbling along. Jess was hardly a swinging single, and neither of them knew how to act like their lives weren’t completely dictated by their spouses and children. Never mind that Meredith’s kids were older. Amanda had graduated last year and was attending Iowa State, and Jayden was a senior at Auburn, but weekend nights were still family time. Auburn football games just for the fun of it, or, at the very least, some time alone with Meredith’s husband, Todd. But Jess was too desolate to let her conscience suggest they call off their plans. When the bell finally rang on Friday afternoons, there was only one word that described the emotion that raked bony fingers across her broken heart: forsaken.
