by Leddy Harper
I dropped her hand and her gaze, at a loss for what to do next. For six years, ever since the day I’d heard her crying my name from behind me as I exited the school for the last time, I’d wandered through life. Making one bad choice after another, just waiting for something to make sense. I needed a purpose, a reason why everything fell apart. I needed clarity. And last night, when I looked into her wolf eyes again, I thought I’d found it. I thought we’d been separated by time and distance to allow our ages to catch up to our hearts.
But that wasn’t the case.
She was taken.
She belonged to someone else.
My mind darkened with the reality that while I’d never been able to move on, she had. It solidified my previous worries that her feelings for me were nothing more than naïve, young love, while mine were real, hard, and unforgiving. I was at war with myself over this. On one hand, I wanted to be happy for her. I wanted to feel content with the knowledge that what had happened to us didn’t destroy her the way it had obliterated me. Even through all the anger I’d harbored against her for the decisions she’d made at the end, it still didn’t negate that I wanted her to be unaffected by our relationship. But even though I wanted to be happy for her, I couldn’t help the menacing anger that burned bright inside my chest. Aubrey Jacobs had ruined me. She ruined me for any other woman, for the chance at a healthy relationship, and worse, she’d ruined my chance to carry on with a normal life.
In the end, resentment won out.
“I’ll take you to your car…if you remember where you left it.” I stormed past her, not once raising my sight to hers, and grabbed my keys off the counter. I pulled her clothes from the dryer, balled them up, and shoved them at her. All while she stood there, not one word falling from her lips. I stalked to the front door, hearing her ragged breaths behind me.
“It’s okay, Axel. If you let me borrow your phone, I can call someone to pick me up. I don’t need you to drive me.” Her voice sounded disheartened, but I had no idea why.
Keeping my back to her and my hand on the cold door knob, her resolve wore me down as I said, “Last night, I thought I’d have to watch you die. And now, this morning, I feel like I have died. So before I let you go completely, can you just at least concede and let me make sure you leave safely? Can you just give me this one last thing?” I wanted to keep all emotion out of my tone, but that proved to be impossible with the amount of pain and grief that flooded me. It was true…I wanted to keep her safe one more time, hoping that would save my soul. Maybe give me some peace. But what I couldn’t tell her, was that I’d never survive watching her husband pick her up and take her away to their happily ever after. I could feel myself hanging by a thread, and I knew without a doubt that if I had to witness that, I’d willingly let go and fall into the dark abyss again. Only this time, I doubted that I would be able to climb my way out. I’d barely made it out the last time.
“I don’t need you to save me, Axel. I’m not the same damsel in distress as I was in high school. I’m not the poor girl that needs you to run to my rescue anymore. I can’t say much about last night…I don’t remember it. But I can promise you that I wasn’t trying to harm myself. I’m stronger, happier now than I was all those years ago. I’m not a kid anymore.”
Hearing her soft-spoken voice and the strength behind her words, I turned slowly to take her in. I’d spent so long watching her from afar, never knowing who she was to me. And since pulling her from the depths of the cold water, realizing her identity, I hadn’t once taken a close look at the woman she’d become. When I awkwardly peeled her wet clothes from her body, I had to fight with myself to not study her every curve, her every mark, her every freckle. I had to force myself to keep at the task of getting her into dry clothes, not letting my eyes fall on places I’d only dreamt about before. And once I had her resting on the couch in front of me, I couldn’t look anywhere but her covered chest, studying the rise and fall of her breaths. But seeing her now, standing in front of me, her spine straight and shoulders squared, it became obvious that she was not the same girl from my past.
“Last night wasn’t the first time I’d seen you, Aubrey.”
“So you have been stalking me?” she asked with a raised eyebrow, and I couldn’t tell if she’d meant it as a tease or an accusation.
“No,” I gritted out through clenched teeth, frustration taking the front seat of my emotions at the moment. “I told you, I had no idea it was you until last night. I’ve been going to that lake a lot, and sometimes you’d show up. I like to sit against the trees, and when you’re there, I watch you for a few minutes before leaving to give you some privacy.”
“Gee, Axel…that sounds a lot like stalking.” This time, she didn’t sound as if she’d meant it as a joke. But it still didn’t come out as condescending or condemning.
I snapped my head side to side before slapping my palm hard on the drywall next to me out of unbridled irritation. “Just stop! I wasn’t there for you. Okay? You just happened to show up some nights. And on those nights, I simply observed your sadness. I watched the way you carried yourself to the dock with your shoulders down, your head down. You just seemed…down. Sad. Lonely. Fuck! I don’t know what you were, but happy and strong were never words that came to my mind when I’d see you.” The strained and heated words scorched my throat and left my cheeks burning.
“Then it’s a shame you haven’t seen me in the light of day, Axel,” she replied with a raised, furious voice, startling me at her aggressive argument. “I hate my job. But I need it, so I stay. You happen to see me on the nights after I leave work. And yes, maybe I appear sad in those moments, because on some level, I am. But that doesn’t mean I’m weak or unhappy. I’m not a sad person. Right now, I’m livid…doesn’t make me an angry person, either. You have no right to come back into my life after walking out of it six years ago and try to play the hero again. I. Don’t. Need. You.”
“Walking out of it?” I asked, practically screaming at her.
“Yes, Axel! You walked away! You packed everything up and vanished.” For the first time since asserting herself, she showed a crack in her façade. She gave me a glimpse of her true emotions regarding me and our past. Anger was a given, but she finally let me see what was beneath it—sadness, remorse, pain. “You know what? I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. Just give me your phone so I can call for a ride.”
“That’s not going to happen,” I growled out. “We both still have feelings about how everything went down between us. We need to get those out. Maybe your life is all sunshine and fucking rainbows, but mine isn’t. We need to get to the bottom of this…get everything out—the anger, the regret, the unresolved emotions that have buried me whole.”
“Everything has always been all about you, hasn’t it?” Her eyes turned soft, saddened and dull. “After realizing your feelings for me, you got scared and ran, making the decision to end what we had without an ounce of concern for how that would affect my life. When shit went down at school, instead of taking me or my feelings into account, you just bolted. I made one decision for myself and you freaked out…ran away. Now here we are, after all this time, and it’s still all about you. You need to resolve things to ease your conscience. You need us to talk about it so you can move on with your life. When will you ever think of me? Huh? For once, Axel, think about someone other than yourself. I’m fine. I have a better life now than I did back then. Ripping open these old wounds won’t help me…they’ll only serve to hurt me.” Her voice shook, deceiving her strong persona.
Hearing Bree admit that she’d made a decision for herself back then only reinforced the burning pain of betrayal within me. “You have no right, Bree. You ruined my life. You set it on fire, and then stood back while it burned to the ground. Take some fucking responsibility for that. Do you have any regret for the one decision you made for yourself?” I wanted her to feel my anguish. I wanted to rip open her old wounds and stuff my pain inside of them, making her ache the same
way I did.
Her gaze narrowed and her nostrils flared. The yellow of her eyes brightened in a way I’d never seen before. “Not for one single second. I have not one morsel of regret for that decision. It was mine, and I own it. No matter the outcome of it all. No matter how it molded my life, how it changed me…I have never and will never regret it. Because I’m smart enough to know I wouldn’t be who I am without it.”
I wanted to hit something, scream, yell, fight back. I wanted to shake her until she realized the damage her decision had caused me. And somewhere, deep inside, I wanted to numb it all with a drink. I hadn’t needed to fight that urge in over a year, but listening to her admit that confiding to the school about our relationship was something she’d never regret, invited back the need to drown out my pain. I hated it. I hated the pull that amber liquid had on me. I hated even more the pull she had over me. I wanted them both severed, but they seemed to be permanently attached. They were one and the same. One born from the other.
“I’m so glad that you feel no remorse over ruining someone else’s life. You clearly aren’t the person I thought you were.” I turned and opened the door wide, allowing the early morning light in.
I waited for Bree to follow, but she didn’t. I found her rooted to the same spot in my foyer, exactly where she’d been when I’d spewed my disgust at her. I didn’t want to look at her, knowing her indignation would set me off when I only wanted it all to go away. I wanted to take her to her car, drop her off, and then never see her again. But with one glance, one small and brief catch of her eyes, everything came crashing down. Her shoulders might’ve been squared and her lips set in a firm line, but the glistening layer that covered those wolf eyes gave away her true emotions.
“I didn’t ruin anyone’s life,” she cried out with a broken voice. And then her hard exterior crumbled. Keeping her tears in, she dropped her arms to her sides, holding her clothes in her balled fists. “I didn’t force you to fall in love with me. I never asked you to set your sights on me. Maybe you’ve forgotten, but I fought against your need to protect me. You’re the one that pushed. You wouldn’t leave me alone. I only came back to you because you left me the CD on my porch. I only pushed for our relationship because you made it clear it’s what we both wanted. As in…you wanted it, too. So don’t blame me.” The raw desperation in her tone made it clear that I’d missed something.
I stepped into the open doorway, pressed my palms on either side, and leaned in. My head tilted in confusion as I asked, “What in the hell are you talking about, Bree?”
“You’re trying to blame me for ruining your life.”
“Because you did!” I roared, using my arms to keep me close to her without getting in her face, causing her to flinch. “Loving you isn’t what ruined me. Trusting you is what did that. I trusted you, Aubrey. And you betrayed me.”
Her brow creased as she examined me, the confusion evident on her face. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Axel. I never betrayed you.” Her voice had gone whisper-soft, filled with bewilderment and surprise.
My head grew fuzzy, probably a mixture of no sleep and the unexpected return of the one woman capable of flipping my world on its axis. I felt like we were talking in circles, neither of us comprehending the other. I dropped my chin to my chest and pulled in a full, cleansing breath of morning air.
Lifting my head back up to meet her narrowed gaze, I calmly said, “You told the school about us. You took what we had and gave them information that could’ve marked me as criminal.”
She shook her head vigorously, shuddering with each pass. “No. That’s not true.”
“How did they know about the times we spent in my back yard? Huh?” I slapped my palm hard against the wooden doorjamb, ignoring the way it caused her to wince and pull away. “How did they know about the phone? There’s no way they’d have known about any of that if you hadn’t told them. Because I know I never said a damn word to anyone!”
Her shoulders fell as her gaze landed on the floor by my feet. I didn’t need her words of admission to know I’d been right. Her posture said it all. And even though she claimed to harbor no regret over it, I could tell by the dismal expression on her face that somewhere deep inside, she felt it.
I pushed myself off the doorframe and started to turn around, but was stopped by her meek voice as she said, “I didn’t do it.”
I froze, stunned and unsure of how to react. Fury boiled in my veins over her pathetic attempt to lie, but then there was something else. Sympathy? I wasn’t sure what it was that settled into me, slightly calming the rage, but it was triggered by her intensely sorrowful tone.
“If that’s what you think happened…if that’s what you’ve thought for the last six and half years, then you’re wrong.”
I spun around, needing to see if her expression matched her tone. But what I found gutted me. A lone tear slipped past her lower lashes and cascaded down her cheek. Her normally bright eyes dimmed, appearing more golden than yellow, the light behind them burnt out.
The fight I’d carried inside of me for six years, and the anger that once kept me from going after her, vanished. But the pain…the pain over losing her, over the thought of spending my life without her, spread through me, weighing me down, suffocating me. I glanced down to her left hand, realizing that it was no longer simply a thought—it’d become my reality. I would spend the rest of my life without her. I had believed the worst of her, and lost her forever.
And there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
“I don’t believe you,” I said, keeping my tone deep and even. It was a lie, though. I might not have fully believed her, but she managed to offer enough doubt in my mind that I no longer knew what to think.
She shrugged and then sniffled, taking a step toward me. “You know, you’re not the only one who feels angry and cheated over the whole thing. It took some time, but I was able to forgive you for abandoning me. For promising to get me out of my mom’s house, but instead, leaving me there. I understood enough to put myself in your shoes, to feel the panic you must’ve felt when everyone found out. I managed to let it go and accept that sometimes, shitty things happen. But now…hearing you admit that you turned your back on me because you thought I’d been the one that went to the school about us? I take it all back. You don’t deserve my forgiveness.”
“Then how did they know all that?”
“I found out after you left that Jill was the one who went to the principal about it. She said she was at the dollar store…remember when we stopped to pick up bandages and stuff? Well, you kissed me before you went inside. Apparently, she was in the parking lot and saw it. I never saw her, I didn’t even know she was there. But she’s the one who sparked the investigation.
“They called me into the office. I walked into a room and found the principal, two counselors, a teacher, and my mom. I had no idea what it was about…why I was there. I thought maybe you had called the cops again, or reported to the school what my mom did to me. But then they started asking questions about us. They kept talking to me like I was some kind of victim.” Her voice shook as she spoke, that day obviously just as clear to her as it was to me, even after all this time.
“So you just told them everything?”
“No,” she argued softly. “I didn’t tell them anything until they said someone had seen us. They wouldn’t tell me when or where, so I didn’t know how to explain it. I told them that we were neighbors and would sometimes see each other in the neighborhood. That’s when my mom said something about the trees in the back yard, saying she’d caught me back there a lot and thought I’d been sneaking out to meet a boy. I never told them about that—my mom did.”
The doubt that had crept in before began to build. “What else?”
“They asked if we had any other communication, and before I could say anything, my mom said she could get ahold of your phone records. I was scared, so I told them about the cell phone you gave me. I knew we never sent any texts that wou
ld hurt you, so I thought it was okay. I didn’t want to lie and then have my mom find out. That would only make us look guilty. I didn’t want you to look bad.”
“And what did you say was the reason I gave it to you?” I wanted to know that she’d told them about her mom. The one fear that had weighed on me for so long, that eventually sank me to the bottom of a liquor bottle, was over what had happened with her mother after I left. Because it didn’t matter which way I looked at it, I’d allowed my feelings of betrayal to leave her in a house with an abusive mother after swearing I’d protect her.
“I told them about the time I had to walk home in the rain and slept outside, and you wanted me to have a way of getting ahold of someone in the event I was ever locked out of my house again.”
“And…? You told them about your mom, right? About the abuse?”
She shook her head and dropped her gaze. “No. I couldn’t. She quickly excused it as a misunderstanding, saying she was at some work function that night and didn’t know I’d been locked out. And then she went on to say how it was noble of you to look out for me, but that you should’ve gone to her first before buying her minor daughter a cell phone behind her back. So I lied to them to protect you, and I said you were under the impression that my mom knew about it. But I maintained that we were nothing more than friends, and that nothing inappropriate ever took place.”
I closed my eyes as I recalled the events of the following morning. Being called in early for a meeting with the principal under the guise of it regarding my permanent position at the school. I remembered the surprise I got when I learned what the meeting was truly about, and I’d walked into the lion’s den without a moment of preparation.
