by Trish D.
I hadn’t heard from Eric since the day I ran into him at the mall. Since he was no longer enrolled in classes, I no longer feared that I would run into him on campus. I rarely thought of him except the rare occasion I was downtown and saw a crowd of drunken students and imagined he was in the middle of it all. I never got close enough to actually see if he was involved, but I certainly didn’t put it past him. The day I ignored Jason’s phone call leaving Tennessee was the last time I had heard from him. He wasn’t nearly as persistent as Eric, so I imagined that when I didn’t call to meet up or return his call that he had given up. I still felt like it was messed up how our relationship had ended, but I had come to terms with and learned to just let it go. I didn’t really expect to see or hear from either one of them again.
The day before I was set to leave for Thanksgiving break that all changed. I had classes plus work and had to then come home and pack. Feeling pretty pooped, I made myself comfortable on the couch with ice cream and a movie. My choice for the night was one of my favorites, Mo Better Blues. The movie was close to half way in when my cell phone began to ring. My first instinct was to just ignore it, but I changed my mind thinking it was Daddy wondering if I had decided to drive home at night. I was really thrown for a loop when I saw that it was Jason calling; so much so, that I sat there staring it until he hung up before I came to my senses and answered. I didn’t know if I should call back or if I even wanted to call back. It annoyed me that not only was I faced with the dilemma of whether to call back, but also that I was now missing the movie. Initially, I decided that Jason had to wait. We hadn’t talked in months, what would another day or two matter? It then hit me that I wanted an explanation and apology for how he had acted. I had a feeling he was going to try and sweep the incident under the rug, but for me it had to be addressed. When I called back, the phone rang several times and I had to laugh feeling like it was his way of getting back at me for ignoring his calls. Just as I was about to say, “Forget it” and hang up, he answered.
“Cheryl? Hey, how’s it going?”
“I’m good thanks.” I fought back the urge to immediately dig into him. I wanted to first see how this was going to play out.
“Well that’s good. It’s been a long time stranger.”
“Really? It’s a little difficult to stay in touch when you basically tell me to kick rocks and then block my number from calling you. I’m not sure what else you expected.” I wanted to say more, but I held back. I didn’t want him to think he could get me riled up so quickly.
“You’re right, that was really childish of me to block your number. That’s why I was hoping we could have talked when you were in Tennessee.”
“In Tennessee? You just happened to run into me there. What about the months before?”
“I was being stubborn and prideful. When I saw you in Wal-Mart I just thought it was a great time to talk and apologize to you in person. For what it’s worth I’m sorry for how I handled things.”
Finally, I got my apology and those two simple words completely changed my mood. I had waited so long for us to be able to talk and, I could calm down enough to let that happen. We stayed on the phone for close to two hours. He explained his side of things and I was able to explain mine. It felt good to get months of things I wanted to say to him off my chest. With the apologies and explanations out the way, we picked up right where we left off and talked like old friends catching up. I didn’t go into detail about what was going on with Shanna, but we talked about pretty much everything that was going on in our lives. When it got to the point that my phone was burning hot from me talking so long, I still didn’t want to hang up with him. After several months, my feelings for him had not changed. I went to bed that night feeling excited at the prospect that things could go back to normal between us.
∞∞∞
Thanksgiving break was great for our family. Shanna was allowed to come home for Thanksgiving dinner and seemed to be getting back to her old self. Mainly she looked healthy and seemed genuinely happy. There were just a few more weeks left of rehab for her and if all went well she would be out for good by Christmas. During the time we sat and talked over break, she seemed to be in a really great space and ready to get out of treatment. However, we all knew it would be tough for her adjusting to life back at home and not being in school anymore. She had come so close to finishing her master’s program and had based so much of her future on that degree. She would have to figure something else out. None of us spent time harping on that to her though. The focus was clear for us all, for her to get better. Shanna had to be back at that facility by noon the day after Thanksgiving, which was hard for us all. We were able to do our usual Black Friday shopping and enjoy a breakfast at IHOP before she went back. The house seemed different once Shanna left. I kept telling myself that it was no different from when she would leave to go back to school, but of course it still was very different.
Things didn’t get back to normal with Jason and me. They got better. He surprised me by driving up to Charlotte on Black Friday to spend the weekend with me. The surprise couldn’t have come at a better time since I was feeling down about having to see Shanna go back to rehab. It was just the pick me up I needed. My parents seemed a bit surprised and confused that he had popped up and that I seemed happy about it. I hadn’t talked about him in months except to say the distance was too much so I knew it all seemed weird. I was floating on cloud nine though and chose to ignore their side eyes. Our time together that weekend was nice to say the least but went by way too fast. Unlike our time in Wilmington where I was scrambling trying to find stuff for us to do, we were jumping from activity to activity in Charlotte. I hated to see Saturday come to an end, knowing that it meant that it was the end of our time together since we both had long drives the next day. We didn’t talk anymore about our break up or what caused it and I wasn’t sure if that was really a good thing or bad thing. I surely didn’t want to bring it back up though. I just wanted us to move forward and hopefully not have anything like that happen to us again.
∞∞∞
Back at school I quickly adjusted to a new norm. It seemed silly when I thought about it, but at times I felt a little stressed trying to balance everything. Schoolwork, of course came first and I was determined not to let that slack, but I really wanted to quit my job. While the shifts were short, the work was hard and the pay wasn’t good at all. To top it off, I felt like I was working with toddlers. From the first day I kept reminding myself that I was once in high school and did silly things, but the kids I worked with were at a whole different level and I found it hard to keep my patience with them. My free time was spent primarily on the phone. When I wasn’t on the phone with Shanna, I was on the phone with Jason. When they both had others things to do, I spent time hanging out with April. I could easily look back at times when the boredom was consuming me. Things had changed though and it was like I just needed a moment to myself to breathe.
I was excited for Christmas since Shanna would definitely be getting out of rehab. They set up a family counseling session a few days before her release for us all to attend to learn how to fit her needs once she got out. It sounded a little weird to me and a little like they were masking what it really was, but if it would help Shanna I was all game for it. My job happened to have a sister retirement home in Charlotte and had set me up to work while I would be home. I knew I needed to work and retail was just not an option after last Christmas working for Trish. It wouldn’t be for the whole break since Jason and I made plans to meet in Atlanta to spend some time together and bring in the New Year. Everything was planned out perfectly and it had to stay that way. I didn’t want another Christmas break like the last one.
My first week home I worked all the shifts I could pick up so that I could have extra money for my trip to Atlanta. It was the best option also since Daddy was doing his usual travel for work and I didn’t really have the desire to follow Mommy around as she cooked and cleaned an already spotless house. It was
a completely different work environment from Wilmington. There were still a lot of high school students with their kiddie drama, but they weren’t nearly as obnoxious and annoying. I was dead tired on most days, but still was glad not to have to face boredom day after day. My first day off came two days before Christmas, which was the day we were to have the family counseling session with Shanna. I still felt a little on edge about it just because from what I had seen on TV, such sessions usually seemed more hurtful to families than helpful. I knew Shanna needed this so I tried to keep a positive attitude. Besides, I was sure that they would not have us start our Christmas vacation off on a sour note.
The ride to the treatment facility was close to 40 minutes and with traffic, I was able to get a good power nap in. The bumpy ride down the gravel driveway to the center woke me up and as we got closer to the building my stomach turned when I saw a familiar pick-up truck parked outside. At first I hoped that it was just a coincidence, but as we got closer, I saw the Tennessee sticker on the back window and knew it was Craig’s truck. Shanna had to be out her mind to invite him to a family session and then not warn anyone. I was nervous for many reasons; mainly because I was not sure how Daddy would react. He was normally very level headed and calm but the fact that Craig had put Shanna in the hospital was understandingly the breaking point. Mommy did her best to try and calm him down as we prepared to walk in but it just was not working. I walked in praying for a miracle, but I did not see any possible way for the session to go well.
We were greeted by the one of the directors of the centers and asked to wait in a small room outside where the counseling session would take place. Daddy refused to sit and instead paced back and forth with a scowl on his face. Mommy and I sat there nervously fidgeting when finally, after about 15 minutes the doctor came out the office.
“Hi, I am sorry to keep you all waiting. I’m Dr. Grodier, how are you all?”
“Well we are not happy that we have been blindsided by an extra guest at what was supposed to be a family session.” Daddy responded before Mommy or I had the chance to. Seeing how angry Daddy was made me want to suggest that we cancel the session all together, but I knew that it would not help Shanna and I didn’t want that on my conscious.
“Well, that’s why I wanted to come out and talk to you all first. We set up a session with just them two as both Shanna and I both decided it may be helpful to have a session with him as a part of her recovery.”
“That doesn’t at all sound smart to me. The whole idea is to get her away from the negative influences in her life and you people are opening up the door to him. This is insane!” Daddy was practically shouting at this point and we all were getting uncomfortable, especially Dr. Grodier who was turning red.
“Mr. Atkins, I can understand your frustration and I suggested to Shanna that she let you all know ahead of time that Craig would be here. I am sorry that it did not happen that way. She was requesting that he sit in for part of the family session, but I see that is not a good idea. So if you all will give me just ten more minutes, I will explain to them what is going on and we will get started.”
I was pretty sure Shanna and Craig didn’t need an explanation with how loud Daddy was shouting. I wasn’t sure why Shanna thought it was a good idea or why she even was keeping in contact with him. Didn’t she want to get better? She had to move on. It wasn’t long before Dr. Grodier came back out again with a haggard looking Craig who didn’t even bother to say anything to any of us or even make eye contact. He walked by us with his hat pulled down over his head and stared at the ground. He was dressed sloppily and had lost a considerable amount of weight since I had last seen him. He had grown his hair out also and just looked an absolute mess. I imagined that when I saw him I would feel angry, but that was not the case. Seeing his appearance made me really sad at what both he and Shanna had allowed alcohol and drugs to do to them. They were two bright people with a great future ahead of them. It was only when Craig was completely gone that Daddy seemed to relax some. It was sad to see since they had formed a good relationship over the years.
By the time we got in Dr. Grodier’s office we were all mentally drained. Shanna didn’t greet any of us but instead she gave us all evil glares. I had to laugh at the fact that she welcomed the guy who had ruined her life but hated us. We were the ones that were bending over backwards to get her back healthy. If her evil glares were the worst of the session, I could’ve easily dealt with it, but it just kept getting worse as time went on. It was hard to tell if she had planned her attack a head of time or if Craig being made to leave brought it all on. Either way, it was just horrible. She began her attack on our parents saying that Daddy was pretty much a negligent parent due to his work travel requirements and that Mommy may as well have been invisible in the home. This was upsetting to us all. They both worked hard to make sure we had everything we needed to grow up in a good clean home and she had turned it around on them. I was so angry about the things she had said about them that I barely heard her onslaught against me. I didn’t bother trying to defend myself or even really listen to her. She was doing what she did best and displaced her problems and frustrations on the wrong people. It was the longest 90 minutes ever and I left feeling like wow, my sister is sick!
Shanna was to be released the next day, which was Christmas Eve and I think it was safe to say that no one was looking forward to it. I wanted to tell Daddy not to even go and get her, to let Craig pick her up, but I figured the thought had already crossed his mind. The ride home after the session was completely silent with everyone trying to digest what had been said. I felt awful for my parents and I did not know how their relationship with Shanna could ever be repaired. I went to work on Christmas Eve choosing to work all three meals, which meant I would be there all day. My parents were a lot more forgiving than I was and I knew as much as she had hurt them, they would not leave her there. I didn’t want to be there when she got home. I stayed at work as long as possible and finally went home to an eerily quiet home. Both Mommy and Daddy were in their room, which was very unusual. Daddy usually watched TV in the living room until he was going to bed and I knew for a fact he was not going to bed so early. I could see the light on in Shanna’s room, but she had the door closed and I was glad there would be no awkward hello. It was a good thing I had eaten at work because there was no dinner cooked and I didn’t even see one prepped for Christmas dinner. I knew right then that if I thought last year was bad, the upcoming year was going to be terrible.
The events of the family therapy session really put a damper on the holiday. Usually it was daddy who would try to fix situations like this, but that time we got nothing from him. We had breakfast early Christmas morning and there weren’t two words spoken at the table. I watched Shanna take extremely slow bites of her pancakes and wondered if she felt bad for how she had treated my parents or if she was choosing to wallow in her own self-pity. Opening our gifts seemed forced, but we did it anyway while managing to mumble out our thanks. Mommy did not cook so we were going to Aunt Michelle’s for dinner. At first I thought that maybe she decided not to cook for the first time in over twenty years to prove a point to Shanna, but I also considered that maybe what Shanna said had opened her eyes. Maybe it made her see that there was more to her life than the constant cooking and cleaning. Either way, it seemed so strange that we were actually leaving the house to go have dinner prepared by someone else and I wasn’t sure that I liked it.
Things looked up some when we got to Aunt Michelle’s house. Daddy seemed a lot happier as he sat and talked sports with Aunt Michelle’s new boyfriend Michael. It was the most I had heard him talk in a few days. Mommy helped with preparing the food and I had to smile because I knew it was killing her not to be in the kitchen. Being with her sister was really the only time she seemed to let loose, so it was nice to see her get her own form of therapy as well. I spent time with my cousins as usual and we did our usual things of nails and hair while Shanna sat off to herself on her cell phone the whol
e time sending messages to Craig about how miserable she was I imagined. I wasn’t sure how much they were all aware of what was going on but no one really made any attempts to bring Shanna out of her funk and no one asked questions. At the dinner table, Aunt Michelle had to make her put her phone away. She begrudgingly complied only to take literally two bites of her food and then move it around her plate while sitting there pouting. Most of us chose to ignore her acting like a child, but after a while Aunt Michelle couldn’t take it anymore and asked her to leave the table. It seemed like that was what she wanted, but her reaction was to spend the rest of the day in the bathroom doing only God knows what. No one tried to get or out nor did we leave early to appease her, but it was certainly hard to enjoy our time together with her acting like a brat. I was almost certain that it was her plan to ruin the day to get back at us and in some ways it unfortunately worked.
I had three days after Christmas before I was leaving for Atlanta to meet Jason and I couldn’t wait to get out of the house and away from Shanna. She closed herself off in her room and only came out to shower and eat food that she would prepare herself. She refused to eat anything Mommy cooked and would not talk to anyone, not that we tried. It was hard for me to understand why my parents allowed it to go on. She wasn’t working or appearing to look for a job. My parents were paying for her car, insurance, and cell phone bill on top of letting her stay there rent free. That wasn’t enough though. Apparently, nothing was enough until they forgave Craig like she had. They were allowing her to disrespect them in their home and I felt like they needed to put an end to it. It wasn’t my place to say anything though so I stayed out of it and made myself as scarce as possible. I worked crazy hours until it was time for me to leave and from the minute I pulled out the driveway to get on the highway I felt free.
