by Trish D.
I was glad that my two weeks home went by so quickly since it seemed so different to be home. I stopped working on a Friday. I planned to spend that Saturday re-packing and later having dinner with my parents before my drive to Chattanooga the next morning. I was up early that Saturday washing clothes and getting things packed up when one by one things kept popping up for my parents throughout the day. I was home alone once again trying to find anything to do to occupy the time. I painted my nails, watched several boring TV shows, and even took a nap. When I woke up it was almost 6 pm and I had not heard from my parents. It was evident that they had forgotten about me and had made alternate plans for dinner. As I packed a sandwich and chips for the road, I was pretty annoyed with them since I had pretty much wasted a day that I had could’ve have been in Tennessee already. I started to leave a note for them but changed my mind just to see if they would call worried wanting to know where I was. I hoped I still mattered that much for them to do that.
I finally arrived at Jason’s apartment a little after midnight. The drive technically should not have taken that long but I stopped a couple of times for snacks and whenever I felt restless from driving. I was pooped when I got Jason’s apartment, but he was wide awake so I sucked it up and stayed awake since someone seemed happy to have me around. I was there for a while before it hit me that I hadn’t heard my phone ring from either of my parents checking on me. I remembered that my phone was on vibrate in my purse and decided to go check it before making the decision to get upset with my parents. I had to laugh though when I checked my phone and saw that I had only missed a call from April. I hadn’t left a note or called to tell them I was leaving and yet they still did not think to check on me. It seemed petty but my feelings were hurt. I knew things had changed since Shanna had left, but why the changes towards me? It put me in a bad mood. They had the right to do their own thing, but it was a hard pill for me to swallow.
Two weeks went by before Daddy called to check on me. I was still a little mad at him and didn’t even want to answer the phone and pretend like everything was OK. I answered only so that he would know I was still alive but as much as I tried, I couldn’t make myself sound like I was happy to hear from him. He was going on and on about a cruise he and Mommy had booked to the point that I couldn’t even get a word in if I tried. When he finally took a breath, he realized I wasn’t saying anything and finally asked if I was OK. I had to decide quickly if I wanted to get it all off my chest or keep it to myself. I decided on the latter for the simple fact that he sounded so excited that I did not want to rain on his parade. I told him I was fine and could tell he did not buy it, yet he didn’t push the issue and we quickly got off the phone. Since I had arrived to Tennessee, I had wondered how long it would be before he called to check on me. I thought that a call from him would make me feel better. After talking to him, I actually felt worse that he didn’t really seemed concerned about me. Why did I have to pay for the actions of my stupid inconsiderate sister? To make matters worse, it happened the morning that I was to be starting my summer position, waitressing at a local retirement home for lunch. I was glad that Jason was already gone for work and I could spend the morning sulking.
The retirement home in Chattanooga was drastically different from the one I was used to. There were no annoying high school kids and there was much more structure. At first I thought it was a good thing, but as time went on, I realized how boring it was without the annoying kids. They drove me crazy with their stories and dramatics but they also helped the day to go by fast. Working with the older crew made time crawl by, especially when I was working all day. Most mornings I had to talk myself out of just never going back. I knew I would be more miserable sitting around Jason’s all day. He was likely to never admit it, but I was sure it would get old to him also having to support the both of us. So I learned to make the best of it.
The days that Jason and I were both able to get the day off were perfect. We took road trips to Atlanta for the day or to Gatlinburg just for a change of scenery. Some days we rented movies and were total couch potatoes and that was just fine with us. I also became more acquainted with his family. They dropped by, at times unexpectedly, more than I previously knew. Jason said it was unusual for them to do so which led me to believe that once his younger sister found out I was living there for the summer, she told her mother who felt the need to check in on us quite frequently. The first couple of times it wasn’t a big deal to me. I learned quickly to brush off her comments and to ignore her when she rambled. However, when the visits started coming at 7 in the morning when we were still in bed, it began to wear on my patience. I held my tongue since it wasn’t my home, but it wasn’t easy. Jason either didn’t see anything wrong with it or was just too much of a nice guy to put his mom in her place.
Just before the Fourth of July holiday, I heard from my parents again. Apparently travelling was their thing for the summer and they wanted to spend a few days with Jason and me on their way back from Florida. It made me feel a little better that they actually thought about me enough to want to stop and spend a few days with me. However, I did have to consider if it was more of a convenience thing for them to break up a long trip. I hated being so negative but with the way things were with them, it was sketchy that they missed me. It was also odd to me that they wanted to come to Chattanooga at all since it was the place that they saw Shanna at her lowest. There were times when I would ride by her old apartment complex or a restaurant that I knew she liked and it made me feel sad when I thought about happier times she had. It seemed to me that this would be the last place they would want to visit.
Despite our insistence, Daddy booked a hotel in downtown Chattanooga instead of staying with us. We spent half a day cleaning and straightening up just in case they changed their mind though. The plan was to get both of our families together for the festival downtown. I wasn’t enthused about being around his mom, but I figured there would be a large enough crowd that I wouldn’t have to have much interaction with her. My parents arrived late the night before the fourth of July and we had plans to meet along with Jason’s family for lunch downtown and then go to the festival. It was going to be an all-day event and I was pretty excited for it. My excitement was killed when the phone rang and as the conversation continued, the look on Jason’s face told me something was wrong. It was his job saying that they were severely short staff due to call outs. The assistant manager had an emergency and also needed to leave. There really wasn’t a way around it; he had to go help out. I was beyond upset that he had to leave so unexpectedly despite our plans. It was after he left that it hit me that I would be the buffer between both sides of the family alone.
I paced the floor for some time trying to think of any way possible to stop Jason’s family from coming. It would be no problem to entertain my parents, but adding in four other people to the mix made it so much more complicated. I called to tell his mom that Jason had gotten called into work and wouldn’t be able to join us until much later. It didn’t faze her at all. Much to my mortification, she said they would all still be there “ready for a good time.” I instantly went from panic mode to irritated. I didn’t want to be bothered anymore and I didn’t want to have to sit there and make sure everyone was comfortable and getting along. I knew Jason couldn’t help it but I was mad at him. He at least could have thought to call his family and cancel and not put me in such a predicament. I took the longest route possible to my parent’s hotel in an attempt to try and calm my nerves and improve my attitude. It worked a little and I felt a bit better by the time I got to the hotel and parked. The restaurant was in walking distance, which gave me a few minutes to prepare my parents for Jason’s overly talkative mom and sister. Just the thoughts made me feel nauseous. Breathe Cheryl. Breathe.
When we got to the restaurant, Jason’s family was of course already there since his mother always insisted on being early everywhere they went. My stomach was in knots as I introduced everyone to the point that I was stammering ov
er his sisters’ names. It was embarrassing and I wanted to leave without eating. As we sat down at our table, I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I had to ask myself if it was really that serious. It didn’t take long for Jason’s mom to get warmed up and to start rambling to my parents about her many travels to Florida. Not too long after her, Jason’s younger sister began to chime in and I began to wonder how long it would be before Mommy, who has never been a social person, would start to feel overwhelmed. What I failed to consider was that this wasn’t the Mommy I was used to as a child. She had been getting out more and was coming out of her shell. I sat back and watched as both my parents joined in the conversation easily and seemed to enjoy trading off their experiences. I felt relieved but also like an idiot that the situation had stressed me out so much. It turned out that I didn’t have to be a buffer or the middleman at all and everyone seemed to enjoy the lunch.
The festival was an all-day thing with several different things going on. We split up to do different things and would meet back up only to split up again but it worked out well for us. My time alone with my parents was limited. Daddy and Jason’s dad were off doing their own thing for the majority of the time and Jason’s mom kept whisking Mommy away to see different things. Most of my time was spent with Jason’s two sisters. It was close to 8pm before Jason was finally able to join us. We were able to find a spot on the lawn to listen to live bands play before the fireworks were scheduled to start when his younger sister spotted him making his way towards us looking utterly exhausted. Apparently everyone who didn’t come out to the festival had gone to his store that was short staffed. On top of that he had to fight traffic to get downtown and had a hard time parking. Thus, it was a rare occasion that he was in a bad mood. By the time the band ended their set and the fireworks began, Jason was back to his normal self, laughing and joking with everyone else. We were all tired by the end of the night but still sat on the lawn enjoying each other’s company until security came by and told us we had to clear the area. Everything hadn’t gone as we had originally planned but it turned out to be one of the best days in a long time.
There wasn’t much excitement after the holiday. Something had clicked with my parents though and they had started to call and check on me at least once a week. I wasn’t sure what sparked this change, but I was glad that they were thinking of me. As we got closer to my time in Tennessee ending, it finally clicked for Jason that he had to stop his mom from coming over whenever she felt like it so that we could enjoy the last of our time together. He was also able to take some time off work and we were able to take a final summer trip to Orange Beach in Alabama. We were both a little leery, since neither of us was familiar with the area, but it turned out to be a nice and enjoyable time. Once we got back to Tennessee, I only had three more days left before I had to drive back to Wilmington. Jason wasn’t able to take more time off from work, so I spent those days doing a bunch of nothing. It was hard to believe that I was coming up on my last year of college. It was a bit overwhelming when I thought about the choices that had to be made. I knew I wanted to go on to graduate school, but where was the question. Jason was obviously advocating for a school closer to him but my heart was set on George Mason University in Virginia, which would put us even farther apart from each other. Jason and I had talked about it several times over the summer, but it didn’t really seem like he understood how much I wanted to go to George Mason instead of school in Tennessee. I didn’t really want to talk about the fact that I didn’t want to go the school Shanna had gotten kicked out of and that I thought that it might hurt my chances of getting in. It definitely would not be an easy decision to make and just sitting there pondering over it those few days made me feel pretty stressed out.
I didn’t want to end our summer together on a bad note so I decided not to bring up the subject again. I left feeling like there was a big uncertainty about our future, but also feeling pumped about starting my last year of college. I had to keep in mind that there was no guarantee that I would get accepted into either school and there were still many variables at play affecting my future. I left on a Saturday thinking I would stop home for a night to break up my trip but something made me continue to drive on to Wilmington instead. In the back of my mind I knew it was likely I would leave my parents’ house feeling annoyed that they didn’t really seem to care if I was there or not. Plus, I felt like being back at my apartment a little earlier gave me time to get settled in and have some part of Sunday to relax before classes started. As I passed the split to head towards my parents’ house, I decided to be courteous and call. I called the house phone and both their cell phones and there was no answer on either. As I laughed to myself, I was glad that I decided to keep on driving back to Wilmington.
It was when I pulled into my apartment complex that I remember that my ex-boyfriend lived right next door to me and he had a new girlfriend. It felt weird as I lugged most of my bags up the steps that I was going into my own apartment and not Jason’s place where there would be someone to greet me. I had gotten used to having someone else around and I had to readjust to living alone. I instantly started to feel nervous as I got closer to Eric’s apartment. I hoped that I wouldn’t run into him and definitely not the girl or any girl for that matter. I could hear music coming from his apartment but luckily for me he did not come out as I made my three trips back to the car for my stuff. Once I was inside, I told myself I was relieved, but deep down I was little disappointed that it wasn’t like a few years ago when he would sneak up behind me and help me carry my bags. To make matters worse, I couldn’t resist putting my ear to wall to see if I could hear a female voice. I stood there for about two minutes before forcing myself to move away. What was wrong with me?
I didn’t get much done that evening as it hit me how exhausted I was from the long drive. After I showered and settled in to watch some TV, it really hit me how much I missed being with Jason. My apartment was tiny, but seemed so large and empty. I found myself having to fight to hold the tears back. I had to keep telling myself that my feelings of loneliness were just temporary and soon I would be back in my busy routine, too tired to realize that I was there alone. I had experienced those feelings many times before, but that night it seemed extra hard to accept and deal with. It was such a time that I wished I was able to talk to Shanna. Even if I didn’t like the advice she gave, it would’ve been nice to have someone to vent to. Thinking about Shanna just made the situation worse. Tomorrow, I told myself, was going to be better and easier.
∞∞∞
It was almost two weeks before I felt like I was back in my element. Classes were in full swing, I was back to doing research and I was also back at work. By the time I got home and did homework or study, I was too tired to feel lonely and sorry for myself. On a couple of occasions, I tried to get up with April to have some girl time, but I was competing with her obligations to schoolwork and her boyfriend. I didn’t stand a chance. The third time that our plans fell through, I was beyond annoyed since I was already dressed and feeling pretty hyped out about going out. At the last minute, she decided to go see her boyfriend perform. She was apologetic and I didn’t let on to how I really felt about the situation, but her cancelling made no sense to me since she had seen him perform millions of times before. It didn’t seem to matter to her though, so I told myself that I just wasn’t going to try anymore. She called several times over the next few weeks with promises of making it up to me for canceling last minute, but I knew she was just talking out of guilt and that it wouldn’t happen. It got to the point that I just stopped answering. I would see her from time to time coming or going from her boyfriend’s apartment downstairs, but our conversations never went past a simple “hello.” I was over being mad at her but I also realized that we had just grown apart as some friends do.
It was mid-September before I saw Eric. I had begun to think that he had moved since I never saw him or heard noise from his apartment. The thought that he was gone was actually a rel
ief. I felt like I could finally stop being concerned about running into him. Best of all, I didn’t have to see him with that girl anymore or any girl for that matter. That all changed on a Saturday afternoon. It was a rare weekend that I had off from work and I was enjoying the warm weather while sitting on my balcony listening to music and reading a magazine. At some point I had dozed off to be jolted out of my sleep by the sound of a sliding door opening up. I saw him before he saw me and was too surprised to see that he still lived there to say anything. He seemed just as shocked when he turned around and noticed I was staring at him before flashing a big grin.
“Hey stranger! Long time no see.”
My reply was right at the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t get the words to come out. I did manage to give half a smile.
“So, how have you been? Senior year, right? That has to be exciting.”
“Yep, senior year. It’s going pretty good. Just looking forward to getting it over with.” I was immediately annoyed at the back-to-back questions, but I decided to be nice.
