by Trish D.
It was the last spring break of my college life and I had absolutely no plans. I talked to my parents whenever they felt like calling so going home was not an option for me. Shanna had emailed me twice asking if I wanted to come up and visit her and Craig. They had bought a new townhome together, but the thought literally made me want to vomit. Since the exchange about graduate school applications, she had been flooding my email mostly with silly forwards and chain letters. My guess was that she felt guilty and thought that made up for her response. I didn’t respond to any of them and rarely opened the emails that weren’t forwards, so I had to laugh at her invite. It was still mind blowing to me that even after I ignored her emails that it wasn’t enough to make her want to pick up the phone and call me. Eric had no plans either and we spent a lot of time at the beach together. On a particular day that I was waiting for him to get off work so we could watch a movie, I was surprised to hear a knock on the door an hour before Eric was scheduled to get off work. When I opened the door, I got the shock of my life. It was Jason.
I was surprised to see him standing there but I wasn’t happy to see him. Immediately I went into panic mode as I began to wonder what was going to happen if I couldn’t get rid of him by the time Eric showed up. There were no words that would come to mind so I just stood there hoping that my shaking legs would not collapse taking me down to the floor.
“Hey, did I catch you at a bad time?” He was so unbelievable. He showed up unannounced and casually asks if it’s a bad time. What did he think?
“Jason, w-what are you doing here?” It was stress I just could not handle. I needed to find a tactful way to get rid of him.
“Well it will probably sound really weird, but I had a few days off from work, so I got in the car for a drive and I had you on my mind. Next thing I know, I just kept driving and driving until I ended up here. So here I am.”
He was talking like I was supposed to be amused or flattered. I was neither. I was feeling so many emotions that I didn’t know how to respond without sounding like a babbling fool. He couldn’t be there and put me in that type of position. My feelings of panic were quickly turning into anger and I felt like I was just seconds away from completely flipping out on him. A large part of me wanted to slam the door in his face, but there was a compassionate and levelheaded side of me that wouldn’t allow me to do that.
“I don’t even know what to say. I really wish you would have called first instead of just showing up at my door when we haven’t talked in so long.” As soon as I said it, I realized how harsh it sounded and wanted to take it back and rephrase, but of course it was too late. I immediately felt bad when I saw the look of hurt and disappointment on his face.
“You’re right. It was a bad idea for me to show up like this. I’m sorry. I’m going to go find a hotel room for the night and probably head back home tomorrow. You can call me if you have time.”
He headed back down the steps and I had to stop myself from going after him. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to Eric. The situation sucked and I only had a few minutes to sit on my couch and try to process it all before Eric was knocking on the door. It was so soon after Jason left, that I was sure that they had passed each other in the parking lot. Eric was his usual self and didn’t mention it so I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. We made tacos and watched a corny movie that Eric picked out. It was a simple evening but it had Eric in such a good mood that I wanted so badly to be happy and content with him. I felt like crap though from the way I had treated Jason. I felt like I was the only person in the world that didn’t find him driving from out of town to surprise me romantic and sweet. Things had not been good between us for a while, but I still could have been nicer to him. It was driving me crazy wondering where he went and if he was okay, but I tried really hard to keep the way I was feeling from Eric. He knew me too well though and was able to see right through my act.
“Is something wrong, you seem distracted?” It caught me off guard, not because I was surprised that he could tell I wasn’t in a good mood, but because I wasn’t prepared with an answer.
“Nothing, I’m fine, just a little tired.” I decided to lie knowing that telling him that my ex-boyfriend had showed up at my door moments before he did would not go over well. There was no need for both of us to be in a bad mood.
“Oh well that’s good to know. I thought your bad mood had something to do with Jason being here right before I came.”
“If you knew, why did you even bother to ask?” Instantly I was annoyed.
“Well I thought since he left that you wanted him gone and we were going to have a good time, but it’s obvious that is not the case.”
He had a point, but I was irritated with both him and Jason, that I wasn’t able to think rationally. I ended the night before we ended up having an argument that was bound to get out of hand. That night as I lay in bed, I could hear Eric playing sappy love songs through the wall and I felt horrible at the way I had treated both of them. Then I felt sorry for myself because I honestly didn’t understand how I ended up in yet another messed up situation. How did these things keep happening to me and what did I do to deserve it? The more I tried to figure it out, the more frustrated I felt. I knew I had to just let it go for the night, get a good night’s rest and try to make some sense of things in the morning. I turned on the TV to drown out Eric’s music and slowly drifted off to sleep. For some reason, I had it in my mind that when I woke up, everything would make sense and I would somehow know how to handle the situation. However, the next morning as I sat at my table eating breakfast, I had no idea as to whom I should try and fix things with first. I started a mental list of pros and cons for both of them, but that was no help. I could think of a million good things about them both. There was no time to sit and sulk about that situation though. I had to make a decision and I had to make it quickly.
I called Jason. I had no idea if I was making the right decision or how things would play out after I hung up the phone with him. I had caught him right before he was set to leave and head back to Tennessee. He seemed happy that I called and more than willing to delay his trip home so that we could talk face to face. I stood in front of my door terrified to have Eric hear me and come out of his apartment. I didn’t know what I would do if he came out and saw me leaving. Would I pretend like I was coming to see him and blow off Jason? Would I tell the truth and hurt him? It was yet another choice I didn’t want to have to make. I felt ridiculous trying to lock my door as quietly as possible and even more ridiculous tiptoeing down the steps to my car. Relief was supposed to come once I got in the car. My intention was to speed off before Eric saw me, but instead I sat there. I felt so unsure of what I was doing, yet I couldn’t bring myself to go back upstairs to Eric. It dawned on me that since I didn’t feel 100% good about either choice then maybe I shouldn’t choose either. I had my phone in my hand to call Jason and tell him that I wasn’t going to make it, but I couldn’t do that either. I felt like I would be the world’s biggest jerk if I did.
The ride to the hotel should have taken at the most ten minutes, but I took the longest route possible and finally arrived 30 minutes later. Jason didn’t seem bothered by waiting for me and greeted me with a hug. As we sat and talked, it didn’t take long for me to begin to feel better about being there. We sat and talked for some time about “us” and what we both thought went wrong. Jason stated many times that he wanted us to put everything on the table and while I agreed, I could not tell him that I had started seeing Eric again at the end of our relationship. It wasn’t fair to Jason to withhold the information, but I just couldn’t bring myself hurt him like that. He said he could handle anything I had to tell him, but I knew him better than that. I knew something like that would crush him and that he would hate me. I didn’t want that. We parted ways on a good note, agreeing that we wanted to keep in contact to see if we could repair our relationship, even if that meant that we just ended up as friends. It felt good on one hand to make amends
, but I still felt guilty that I had not told him about Eric. I knew there would come a time when I would have to come clean or that it would end up coming back to bite me, but for the time being, I just wanted to enjoy having him back in my life.
Jason and I began to talk regularly once again. He had even made the effort to come and visit on two different weekends when he was off work. It was nice, but it did nothing to help my situation with Eric. I was stressed every time I came home and left thinking that I would run into him. After the night I met with Jason, I called him twice, but I had done it at times that I knew that he was at work and wouldn’t be able to answer just so I could say I tried to reach out. Either Eric knew exactly what I was doing or was pissed off at me because he didn’t return my calls. Each time I heard him come home, I would listen for a girl’s voice to see if he was going to try and get back at me, but it was always just the sound of the TV or his music. Some nights I would sit in silence in my apartment listening to sounds from his apartment and pretend like we were watching TV together. It was pitiful and I knew that, but I missed his company, the corny movies he would pick out for us to watch, and his goofy laugh. I missed him. I wasn’t sure how many times two people could try to be together before they just had to accept that it wasn’t meant to be. Each time Eric and I stopped talking, I told myself we were out of tries. Every time one of us hurt the other, it damaged us a little more, yet somehow we always found our way back to each other. It was hard to accept that it could really be over. Even though I was back on speaking terms with Jason, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be out of tries.
When my luck of dodging Eric ran out, it went much better than I expected. We happened to be leaving the house at the same time. I was so nervous that I dropped my keys twice trying to lock the door.
“What’s wrong, you got butter on your fingers today?” His comical demeanor caught me off guard. I wasn’t even expecting him to acknowledge me.
“I guess so.” I managed to respond over my shoulder as I finally got the door locked. I wanted to turn around and find him gone, but when I turned around, there he was patiently waiting for me to get done.
“So where you headed?” He asked, allowing me to head down the steps ahead of him.
“Grocery shopping, unfortunately. What about you?”
“I got a date.”
“Oh, well, hope you have fun.”
His response made my stomach turn and I had to force myself to continue to walk normally down the steps. I didn’t understand why he felt the need to tell me, but I did wonder who the date was with. By this time, we were down the steps and face to face. Eric gave me a sly grin before responding.
“Thanks, it’s our first date, I’m hoping to make a good first impression.”
When we said our goodbyes and were in our separate cars, I waited until he had driven off to let the smoke come out of my ears. I had no idea if he was serious about this date, but if he was trying to get me rattled he had succeeded. Deep down I knew either way that he was trying to hurt me the way I had obviously hurt him, and maybe I deserved it, but still I wish it wouldn’t have worked. I hoped a trip to the grocery store would get my mind off what happened, but it was all I could think about. The thought of Eric being on a date bothered me so much that when I got home I realized that I had forgotten most of the items I needed. The rest of the evening was no better. I fixed dinner but didn’t have an appetite to eat. When Jason called, I talked to him only briefly before making up a reason to get off the phone before he realized that I wasn’t myself. I even left the TV off so I could hear when Eric got back home. I wanted to be able to hear if he brought anyone back with him.
At some point I fell asleep on the couch and was awakened by Eric coming home. When I looked at the clock it was nearly 2 a.m. I assumed that the date had gone well since he had been gone for hours. As I got off the couch to get in bed I still listened for a female voice, but all I heard was the music he thought was appropriate to blast in the middle of the night. While brushing my teeth, I listened to him sing loudly to the music half amused at his terrible singing and half sad that he had such a good time that night that he felt compelled to sing. Before I crawled into bed, I wanted to knock on his door to ask him to turn down his music, not because it was bothering me but because I wanted to be sure no one was there. I also hoped he would invite me in to join his party of one. As much as I wanted to, I knew it wasn’t a good idea if I ever wanted to stop the cycle of juggling both him and Jason. In bed, the singing seemed louder as if he had his mouth to the wall singing at the top of his lungs. It sounded awful and pretty obnoxious, but for some odd reason, I was enjoying it.
As it got closer to the end of the school year, I started to get anxious and nervous about life after college. I had decided to attend graduate school at UTC to be close to Jason. We were going strong once again and I wanted to finally put an end to our long distance relationship, but I still found it difficult to turn down George Mason. Even as I stood in front of the mailbox to send the letter off, I had to pray hard over my decision. I was out there in that very spot for at least 15 minutes waiting for a sign I was doing the right thing. By the time a third person had to ask me to move over to check their mail, I stopped procrastinating and dropped the letter in the outgoing mail. Jason was thrilled when I told him the news and immediately began planning our lives together. Everything he said sounded good and I wanted to be just as excited for the new chapter in our lives, but I still found myself wondering if I had made a terrible mistake. The letter was mailed though and there was no turning back. I had to live with my decision and make the best of it.
It was a little over a month before graduation before I spent time with Eric again. It had been pressing on my mind to make things right with him before leaving town. I hoped I could catch him coming home and talk to him outside, but against my better judgment, I ended up calling him and inviting him to come over after work. He was more than willing to do so and showed up in such a good mood, that I found it hard to find the words to officially end things with him and wish him well. It was very difficult and I found myself talking in circles. What I was trying to say obviously sounded so ridiculous that Eric sat there grinning the whole time. The fact that he didn’t take me seriously annoyed me and made me feel like a complete idiot. I sat there rambling for at least ten minutes and when I finally shut up, Eric gave a simple response.
“OK.”
I didn’t even know how to respond to his response so I didn’t. We both sat there not knowing what the next move should be. I wanted to ask him to leave and stick to my guns, but he had been such a big part of my life for so long that I just couldn’t find it in my heart to make him leave.
“So, you up for a movie?”
I had to smirk at his response. He was being so arrogant like he knew I wasn’t for real. In my mind I knew what my response should have been, but my heart won the battle and I agreed to watch a movie. The night was full of so many “should haves” and the next morning when I woke up next to Eric, I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself. As I was in the bathroom washing my face, I heard him in the bedroom singing. The louder he sang, the angrier I got at his arrogance. He knew he had me. It was obvious that he felt like I wasn’t ever going to leave him alone permanently. Acting irrationally, I stormed out of the bathroom and asked him to leave.
“Can you leave now?” It came out harsh and the minute I said it, I wanted to take it back and rephrase it. When he turned to face me, he looked pretty confused. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just think it is best if you go. Like I told you last night, I’m back with Jason.”
“Since when has that stopped you before?”
“That’s what I’m trying to stop Eric. I have to put an end to this. I’m moving to Tennessee to be with him. It’s best we end things now on a good note.”
“A good note?” He repeated with a scoff. “Is this what you call ending things on a good note?”
As he got dressed and gathered his stuff to l
eave, it hit me how wrong everything was going. It was not how I wanted things to end with us. I tripped over my words once again as I tried to explain why we had to cut ties, but he wasn’t listening anyway. He stormed out of my apartment slamming the door behind him. Once he was in his apartment, I could hear him slamming things around so hard that it made me jump. I started to cry as I laid back down in bed. It was something that had to be done, but I hated the way I handled the situation. Eric didn’t deserve to be treated that way. There wasn’t any way that I would be able to fix things. I had to let go.
∞∞∞
The time leading up to graduation was spent mostly in solitude, packing up my apartment and studying for exams. Eric and I had no contact at all. I had only seen him once outside my apartment. He wouldn’t make eye contact with me. It’s the treatment from him that I deserved but it still felt like a gut punch. I didn’t allow myself to dwell on it though. Instead I focused my attention on graduation and my upcoming move. One week before graduation, my apartment was pretty much empty since I had sold all my furniture and sent most of all my other belongings to Tennessee. My parents were coming in just two days followed by Jason and Shanna both coming the following day. Despite my feelings around my family, I was in such a great place mentally about life after Wilmington, that I was actually excited that they were coming to be a part of the day. It was the best I had felt in a long time. I found myself smiling for no reason as I walked around Wal-Mart picking up a few items to get me through my last week in my apartment. I was feeling good as I marked items off my list until I passed by aisle 9 and stopped dead in my tracks. Aisle 9 was familiar to me since I had to walk down it every month. It was the aisle for feminine hygiene products. As I passed by it, I had to stop and think back to when was the last time I had bought tampons. When I realized that I hadn’t bought any recently, my stomach hit my knees as I said the words out loud, “I’m late.”
