by Josh Dean
*It is monoestrous, in scientist-speak.
*Because that would have provided him a pool of zero foxes to work with.
*Who was actually first portrayed by a male dog named Pal, and later by several male heirs.
*Though it comes in both “rough” (or long-haired) and “smooth” (short-haired) varieties.
*When breeders finally got together enough to start treating Aussies as an independent breed, the very first registry was in fact a subdirectory of the International English Shepherd Registry, or IESR. The first dog, Hart’s Panda, entered in 1958.
*How’s this for kismet: The earliest photograph of an Aussie-like dog I found was a 1904 picture of an “early bobtailed collie” named—you got it—Jack. (Jack Tailless, to be more accurate.)
*To simplify matters I’m quoting from the AKC standard, drafted by USASA. ASCA has its own standard, and while it is largely identical in content, the wording differs slightly. I’m not quoting AKC here because it’s more accurate but because Jack showed more often at AKC shows.
*As opposed to Luke Perry and Jason Priestley, both of whom are too typey.
*Humans, in comparison, have only 206.
*The Xoloitzcuintli (CHO-lo-eeks-QUEENT-ly), or Xolo, is often referred to as the Mexican hairless dog because it is both of those things. The dogs date back at least thirty-five hundred years in the Americas and are one of the few breeds thought to have evolved naturally, without the meddling of humans. They were considered sacred by the Aztecs, a fact that didn’t stop some of them from seeing Xolos as a food source. If you were to compile a list of dogs best suited for neurotics and germophobes, the Xolo would top the list: It doesn’t shed or produce dander and, because it has no hair, is impervious to fleas. The downside is that it will almost certainly frighten children.
*In 2011 it was to be officially accepted by the AKC, however, completing a remarkable comeback, because the Xolo was the first and only breed ever dropped from the stud book, in 1959.
*He is very supportive and friendly to all of Dawn’s dog-show friends but refers to them one and all as “dog people,” as in, “Phone for you, honey. It’s a dog person.”
*It is in Edison, by the way, where I realize that the “ex” is short for “exercise.” Now, that’s euphemism at work if ever I’ve seen it. A mastiff or Great Dane or Saint Bernard can barely turn around in one of these things, let alone run.
*“Good boy, Jack!” will do it.
*Aesthetically as well, the two couldn’t be more different. Hilton is gay, flamboyant, and prone to wearing mauve hair and things with sequins; Wheeler is straight, somewhat reserved, heavyset, and white-bearded. Hilton was punched by the tour manager of the Black Eyed Peas; Wheeler is a retired management analyst who once advised the Cat Fanciers Association.
*That Cairn terrier, Dee Dee, killed her first rat when she was just twelve weeks old. In the past year, Wheeler said, she’d killed two birds, three squirrels, and two rats.
*A small white terrier that, in its show coat, has long bangs and lengthy muttonchops that hang from its jowls, making it look a little like Chester A. Arthur, our twenty-first president, in his latter years.
*One doubts there was a similar “bulldog effect” in response to Pete, Teddy Roosevelt’s choice for White House pet. Mark Derr reports that Pete “terrorized the White House between 1905 and 1908” and “caused an international incident when he treed the French ambassador, who had come to play tennis with the president.” A little over a decade later, Warren Harding’s Airedale Laddie Boy made a less offensive grab at political notoriety by giving interviews and taking his own chair at cabinet meetings, and the Roosevelt family redeemed their canine heritage when FDR’s Scottish terrier, Fala, “nearly achieved cult status,” according to Derr.
*I think this is not exactly true, by the way. What seems to be true is this: George Washington kept a large pack of hounds at his Mount Vernon estate. He loved these hounds and was indeed an eager participant in further refining their traits. And his hounds are considered to be some of the foundation stock for the American foxhound breed. So there you go—the Father of Our Country was a dog breeder.
*That’s industry jargon for a champion dog that’s being campaigned. It serves as both noun (Jack is one of Heather’s “specials”) and a verb (“to special” is to enter in Best of Breed week in, week out).
*The world’s first dedicated dog-show facility, based at the pet-food brand’s headquarters.
*Which I guess makes sense, since purebreds, like luxury cars, are a symbol of wealth among the nouveau riche.
*An apt metaphor, methinks, because the poodle is a water dog—thought to have originated with German fishermen who used the dogs to swim out and retrieve nets. The various poufs and pom-poms, if you believe poodle people, are not exclusively decorative. They are there to keep key joints and organs warm in the water.
*Awarded to Show Dog of the Year every February during Westminster Week.
*David Frei later corrected the record on this. The last low-budget dog to win BIS at Westminster was actually Pepsi, an Afghan hound owned by Chris and Marguerite Terrell, who won in 1983. Says Chris: “I guarantee we spent less than anyone who won Westminster.” The Terrells, he says, bought a grand total of two advertisements—one at the beginning of 1982, and another at the end of the year, when Pepsi became the number-one all-breed dog.
*An ancient, regal breed said to have been owned by both Genghis Khan and Buddha.
*It’s ironic that Chinese aristocrats were paying obscene amounts for this particular breed, considering that it was nearly wiped out by Chinese soldiers who beat them to death with rifle butts on the streets of Lhasa during the Invasion of Tibet in 1950. So tough were these prized guard dogs (or at least their reputations) that the Chinese army passed a law that Tibetan mastiff owners had to kill their pets and then burn them publicly on pyres. Those who refused were thrown in jail. This wasn’t just cruel, it was a forced violation of religious beliefs, since killing living things was a direct breach of Tibetan Buddhism. There’s both delicious irony and poetic justice, then, to the story that this same breed is now the most valuable object in China. Speaking of good stories, that’s not the only one about Tibetan mastiffs. The breed’s popularity in the United States owes itself largely to the efforts of a woman named Ann Rohrer, who happened to be in Tibet during the horrific invasion. Vowing to help prevent the breed’s extinction, Rohrer fought for the dogs throughout her life, leading the charge for AKC recognition and helping create the foundation stock, thanks in large part to a remarkable dog named Kalu. Born in Tibet, Kalu fled to Nepal with some farmers and ably defended their livestock in the Himalayas, surviving numerous fights with snow leopards. Some sort of drunken trade put him in the hands of American travelers who took him home, where he was locked up in a kennel after mistakenly biting one child while protecting another. A sleazy breeder adopted him and then chained him to a fence behind a barn and basically left him to waste away. Fortunately, a Good Samaritan spotted the flea-bitten, malnourished Kalu, saved him, and passed him on to Ann, who nursed the dog back to health and used him as the founding sire of the breed. Kalu is the first Tibetan mastiff entered in the breed’s American stud book. (By the way, Ann is also responsible for bringing the Tibetan terrier into the United States.)
*A kind of doggie long jump in which dogs leap into the water after a tossed toy from a dock. Farthest leap wins.
*Note to self: Buy only artisanal pepperoni.
*A wiry, midsize hunting dog also known as the Italian pointer.
*And “trot” is the proper and appropriate term. A fast walk is too slow and a run too fast. This does not apply to terriers and other short-legged dogs. In the case of these animals, the handler will always appear to be out for a leisurely stroll, which is funny when you look down at the dog and see his/her little legs chugging along in a blur.
*Still need help? Here’s a clue: She won an Oscar (and flashed her boobs) in Monster’s Ball.
*Now wife.
*“Likewise,” reported the author Dr. Rice, “a male’s penis will appear inflamed and swollen for a few hours following tie breeding, but injury is unlikely.”
*Bats possessing sonar, the precise geometry of every snowflake, hummingbirds migrating thousands of miles and then returning to the exact same spot, et cetera, et cetera.
*Unless I imagine them as cartoon wolves, in which case it’s kind of hilarious.
*The boxer was chosen for its relatively low level of heterozygosity. It has chromosomes that are very similar, making it easier to map than, say, a poodle, which has more variation.
*Which would indicate that this problem goes way back.
*This works both ways, of course. I saw a lady at one dog show wearing a T-shirt that said BOOBS with each O being red and exaggeratedly large and printed over a breast. There was a line through both, and inside those O’s the words PETA and ASPCA. She announced plans to sell them and expected sales to be brisk.
*To give you an idea of how far genes can be spread, the top stud dog of all time in the United States was the English springer spaniel Ch Salilyn’s Aristocrat, who sired 188 champions. That’s just champions—so figure hundreds more puppies beyond that.
*A tail that curls forward, toward the dog’s head.
*And also a growing number of other disorders. A favorite story of mine is the one about Kiko, a Jack Russell in Michigan who chewed the toe off his drunken owner’s foot and was hailed a hero for it. Nutshell: Jerry Douthett, the owner, went out drinking, came home, and passed out, only to wake up and see that Kiko had eaten his toe. (The story I read about this event includes one of my all-time favorite sentences: “Most people don’t get drunk enough not to wake up when their toe is being eaten.”) What happened is that Jerry had an undiagnosed case of type 2 diabetes that had killed the nerve endings in his toe. The dog was drawn to the sweetness of the high sugar content in his blood (being released through a wound). When Douthett went to the hospital, horrified, doctors discovered that he had type 2 diabetes, the same condition that had killed his brother. They amputated what was left of the toe and began treatment for a condition he didn’t know he had. Kiko was not a freak but a hero. Which Douthett came to appreciate, but not totally. “I now sleep in shoes,” he told a reporter.
*They’re so good that they’ve even detected an invasive species that conservationists weren’t yet aware of. Called Dyer’s woad, it’s a member of the mustard family. A story I read about these eco-dogs cited a keen sense of smell as the most important attribute, but it also said this: “The dogs are selected for intelligence, high energy and a tendency to be obsessed with toys, all traits well-suited to the company’s reward-based training.” Maybe I should forward Jack’s résumé.
*A town that, in one of those strange bits of random happenstance, is the birthplace of the only purebred dog I’ve ever owned, Percy the English setter.
*To be fair to Heather, the complications for this included the following: (a) The year was well underway, and priority largely established already. (b) She was trying to find a way to accommodate Kimberly’s limited finances without violating her policies, as well as her loyalities to other owners. (c) Kimberly changed her mind often.
*He also has a personal driver, but that’s not as ridiculous as it sounds. His owner, Emi Gonzalez, is bound to a wheelchair and can’t drive.
*It is the only breed named after a fictional character, in fact.
*Just after Oyster Bay, the AKC issued a press release announcing the first-ever grand champion. The headline was WEIMARANER, STOLI, LEAVES PAW PRINTS IN AKC HISTORY BOOKS AS FIRST AKC GRAND CHAMPION. It went on to explain that “a four-year-old Weimaraner named GCH Monterra’s Best Bet, MH, affectionately known as Stoli, completed the title requirements to earn the newest AKC title at the Coronado Kennel Club all-breed dog show on May 18, 2010.”
*Some handlers will address this problem by “matching” the dog. This involves wetting the heads of two or three paper matches, then inserting the matches (sulfur end first) into the anus. According to Pat Hastings’s Tricks of the Trade, “This is usually just enough of an irritant to stimulate the dog to eliminate in order to expel the matches. The sulfur is nontoxic and almost always works. If matching fails, however, the next thing is to try suppositories for infants.”
*Which themselves could pass for mutts.
*As in, being right- or left-handed.
*Actually, Freud himself may have been the Freud of the canine mind. His chow chow Jofi sat in on the doctor’s therapy sessions, features prominently in his work, and is said to be the basis for much of the early days of pet therapy. He’s not my favorite best friend to a historical great, however. That would be Peps, the Cavalier King Charles spaniel belonging to the composer Richard Wagner, who reportedly could not write music unless Peps was sitting on a particular stool—awake and alert. Wagner would watch Peps’s reaction to new compositions played on the piano and would decide whether they were good or not based on the dog’s facial reactions.
*He was “instinct-tested” as a puppy to determine whether he had the genetic drive to herd, should the need ever arise, and he passed.
*The grainy film makes it difficult to ascertain the monkey’s enjoyment level.
*I would probably add that this equivalent also extends to exuberance, hyperemotionality, and ability to simulate the effects of a tornado indoors. Neither dog nor child seems to be able to subdue emotion in the name of propriety. There is no propriety. There is only following orders. At least in the case of the dog.
*Named for a famous horse that was supposedly able to add and subtract but actually turned out, after a publicity barrage, to be picking up on subtle body cues given off by his trainer when he reached the correct answer.
*The most common brand is called Neuticles, by the way, and its primary target consumer is the man who wants to neuter his dog but worries about what this says about his own masculinity. The same company also makes PermaStay prosthetics to help keep a dog’s ears erect.
*Umbilical hernias are okay, however.
*A vestigial digit that sometimes appears on the far inner paw, where it joins with the leg, and can be thought of as a canine thumb. Only sight hounds still really need them.
*A French breed best known for the prodigious drooler that starred as Hooch alongside Tom Hanks in Turner and Hooch.
*Which has a point system similar but not identical to the AKC’s.
*Perhaps Jerry Grymek is consulting?
*The procedure is known as bark softening or debarking and has been banned in the United Kingdom and some other European countries.
*Kimberly has her own car quirks. She doesn’t like seat belts. “I was in the rare accident where not wearing one saved my life,” she says, and she’s never worn one since.
*Which itself is three separate events of increasing difficulty: ducks, sheep, and cattle.
*The spirit of Dottie reaches far!
*Though, as we’ve learned, it’s impossible to know anything for sure at such a young age; they could also grow up to be beautiful, perfect dogs.
*Two very well-known and respected Aussie kennels. Mill Creek produced Honor, Jack’s father.
*An act that would be, of course, illegal.
*Another prominent sire.
*The fancy Hungarian plural is “komondorok.” Dog people prefer this, while Webster’s Dictionary opts for “komondors.”
*Or “pulik” in plural.
*Those are also Hungarian breeds.
*The correct term, according to Mandy, is “chiropractitioner.”
*Who have certifications, but not licenses.
*Dogs walk on their toes, essentially, and the pastern is the elongated area between the foot and the joint. The foot flexes at the pastern joint.
*A Japanese
relaxation technique popular with the dream-catcher crowd that seeks to manipulate a person’s “life-force energy.”
*It has not, however, been held continuously ever since, which is why Westminster can claim to be oldest.
*Though, surprisingly, none of the top three all-breed dogs for 2010—Dodger, Malachy, and Emily—were entered. They were all in Columbus, Ohio, where the setter was a surprise winner on day one of the four-day weekend in Ohio’s capital city.
*If your only goal is to get on national TV, once, and other plans have failed, you could always show up at the National Dog Show with a rare breed.
*Prior to that year, there was no BIS awarded.
*And this was long before India’s maharaja of Pithapuram, a collector of smooth fox terriers, made Austin a blank-check offer that was politely declined.
