by Stuart Gray
'I promise you'll enjoy his books' - Daniel Hannan, Daily Telegraph.
DIARY OF AN ON-CALL GIRL
PC Bloggs is a serving British police office and Diary of an On-call Girl is a true account of her working life.
The tapes are on, the interview begins, and I ask my standard opening question: ‘Do you understand why you have been arrested?’ Believe it or not, sometimes these words alone can prompt a confused confession.
‘I ain't been arrested,’ says Shimona.
Not exactly a confession.
‘Well, you have, because you’re here.’
‘I was never arrested, though. No-one never put no handcuffs on me.’
I put down my pen. Somehow, I don’t think this is going to be the level of interview for which I need to make notes.
‘You actually don’t need to be handcuffed to be under arrest,’ I say.
‘Yeah, I do. Right, Sonia?’
Sonia nods emphatically. ‘You do need it, me Ma said so.’
In an attempt to steer the interview back on track, I look down at PC Cansat’s statement. ‘Look, it says here, “I then said to Shimona O’Milligan, ‘I am arresting you on suspicion of assault and criminal damage.’ I cautioned her to which she replied, ‘Whatever’.” Does that ring any bells?’
Shimona titters. Then she gets serious again. ‘Does he say he handcuffed me, though? Cos he’s a liar.’
‘No, he says he arrested you.’
‘Well, I wasn’t listening.’
‘This may surprise you,’ I say, ‘but you can be arrested even if you aren’t listening.’
‘No, you can’t. Not if you’re inside a house. I know the law.’
If there is one thing I like more than a gobby teenager, it is a gobby teenager who knows the law.
‘Shimona, you are going to have to take my word for the fact that you were brought here under arrest and you are still under arrest now. Let’s move on.’
‘Whatever.’
‘Think Belle de Jour meets The Bill … sarky sarges, missing panda cars and wayward MOPS (members of the public).’ - The Guardian
‘Part Orwell, part Kafka and part Trisha’ - The Mail on Sunday
Diary of an On-Call Girl was dramatised for BBC Radio 4, was serialised in the Mail on Sunday and is currently in TV development with scripts being written by the writer of the hit TV comedy Rev.
OUR MAN IN ORLANDO
Murder, Mayhem and Madness in the Sunshine State
FLORIDA: a land of dazzling white sands, sizzling sun... and utterly incompetent British criminals.
Like the woman who hijacked a helicopter to bust her husband out of Death Row, the gap year student who robbed a bank and tried to escape on a kid's bike and the unlucky Londoner who kidnapped the wrong guy and wound up serving 1,285 years in jail.
As British consul in our nation’s favourite holiday hotspot, Hugh Hunter has seen them all – murderers, small-time conmen and big-time drug dealers (plus ordinary families whose dream vacations turned to nightmares).
Our Man in Orlando is his astonishing true story of a decade spent dealing with clueless, witless and hopeless Brits abroad.
Our Man in Orlando was serialised in The Times and The Week magazine and the book is about to be turned into a major new television drama.
SO THAT’S WHY THEY CALL IT GREAT BRITAIN
Did you know that chocolate bars, fizzy drinks and the flushing loo are all British inventions?
We also gave the world computers, the iPod and the cash machine, as well as text messaging, the light bulb and the collapsible umbrella.
There were more serious inventions like ibuprofen, anaesthetics, innoculations and antibiotics. We unlocked the DNA code, produced the world's first test tube baby and invented ultrasound.
Trains, planes and automobiles revolutionised the way we travel and our advancements with computer technology gave everyone the world wide web.
Not bad for a country which covers less than half of one per cent of the earth’s land mass.
Most of the world’s major sports originated here and the television set that they are watched on was also invented by a Brit.
In this quirky new book, Steve Pope reveals the stories behind some of the world's most remarkable inventions and discoveries - and all of them are British.
Presented in an easy to read A-Z format, So That's Why They Call It Great Britain is quite simply crammed full of fascinating facts. This book shows –with tons of humour, unknown facts and weird stories – just why our country is called GREAT Britain
IT’S YOUR TIME YOU’RE WASTING
A Teacher’s Tales of Classroom Hell
The eye-opening No1 best-seller about teaching in an ordinary British school: a school where the kids get drunk, beat up the teachers and take drugs – when they can be bothered to turn up.
It's Your Time You're Wasting is the blackly humorous diary of a year in Frank Chalk’s life. He confiscates porn, booze and errant trainers, fends off angry parents and worries about the conscientious pupils whose lives and futures are being systematically wrecked, recording his experiences in a funny and readable book.
He offers top tips for dealing with unruly kids, is open about the shortcomings of the staff and even spots the occasional spark of hope amid all the despair.
Prepare to be horrified and amused by the unvarnished truth about the bottom end of Britain’s state education system.
‘Addictive and Ghastly’ - The Times
‘Frank Chalk's witty warts-and-all descriptions have won him thousands of teacher fans’ - Times Educational Supplement
‘A searing first-hand account of what teachers have to contend with every day’ - Emma Lee-Potter, Sec Ed Magazine
PICKING UP THE BRASS
The 80s! The Army! The Madness!
It's 1985, The Smiths are in the charts and Maggie Thatcher is in No10. Eddy Nugent's in Manchester, he's 16 and he's slowly going out of his mind with boredom. So what does he do? He joins the British Army.
Overnight, he leaves the relative sanity of civvie street and falls headlong into the lunatic parallel universe of basic training: a life of press ups, boot polish and drill.
Gradually, he finds his feet and settles down to life as a soldier. There's still plenty of press ups, boot polish and drill to occupy him, but he finds time for beer, girls and other bad behaviour. Andy McNab he isn't.
Picking Up The Brass is an hilarious, riotous and FHM-approved look at life as a young recruit.
'Eddy Nugent' is the nom de plume of two soldiers, Ian Deacon and Charlie Bell. Closely based on their own experiences, it's a must-read for anyone who has served, anyone who is planning to join up or anyone who's ever thought, 'Surely not every soldier in the Army is trained to kill people with a toothpick?'
'Hilarious' - The Big Issue
‘Laugh Out Loud Funny’ - Soldier Magazine
ON THE EDGE
One Teacher, A Camper Van, Britain’s Toughest Schools
CHARLIE CARROLL is a successful young teacher in a great school. He loves his job but wants to see the tougher side of British education. So he hands in his notice, takes to the road in a beat-up old camper van and spends a year travelling round England's most deprived areas supply teaching in dozens of the country's roughest comprehensives.
Carroll is battered and bewildered by what he finds; pupils threaten to abuse him, deal drugs, flash knives, surf the internet for porn and fight in class. Often, lessons are more about riot control than learning.
He's almost broken by the experience, but just occasionally - in the most surprising of places - he comes across inspiring kids who are battling against the odds.
This is his frank, funny and frightening story of a journey to the edge of modern education.
‘I enjoyed and was gripped by On The Edge, but it scared me … I hope that he sent Michael Gove a copy’ - Times Educational Supplement
‘Exposes the wilful anarchy in Britain's Wild West classrooms’ -
Daily Mail
‘If you want to know just how bad our schools can get, On the Edge is a must-read’ - The Daily Telegraph
Table of Contents
www.mondaybooks.com
Thanks
About the Author
FOREWORD
HOAX CALLERS AND TIMEWASTERS
SEEING DEAD PEOPLE
TRAFFIC
STRONG ARM TACTICS
MATERNITY
SUICIDAL TENDENCIES
HEAVY PEOPLE
CYCLISTS
DRUGS
DRUNK
OLD
ACTS OF VIOLENCE
BRINGING THEM BACK
CLOSE CALLS
TERRORISM
SENSORY INSULTS
HIT AND RUN
STREET PEOPLE
FAKERS
BELLS AND WHISTLES
CREEPY CALLS
THE FESTIVE SEASON
HORRIBLE HOUSING
THE HISTORY OF STRANGERS
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