by Radclyffe
Drew started and looked away uncomfortably, unaware that her emotions were so readily apparent. “I’m sorry. I was wondering how you do what you do—listen to all that pain.”
“I try to remember that there are all kinds of pain, and that the human spirit is amazingly strong. And I believe that with love and time, there can be healing,” Sean answered gently.
“Do you really believe that?”
“I do. I’ve seen it.” She paused, took a breath.
The direction of the conversation surprised her, and she sensed from the faint tremor in Drew’s voice and the barely disguised hurt in her eyes that they were venturing into something very sensitive. As much as her nature called for her to comfort anyone in pain, she knew she must answer carefully and honestly. What she said now could affect everything that might happen between them in the future.
“I believe that some pain never completely disappears, but we find a place for it, learn to live with it. Truly live with it, not just bear it. Like a distant sound, we can hear it, but the intensity diminishes until it blends with all the other melodies of our life. One song among many.”
“You’re a poet, Sean,” Drew remarked, her voice hushed as she wondered if the echoes of her own nightmares would ever recede that much.
Sean blushed. “Hardly. It’s just the way I’ve found to make sense of the human condition.”
“It’s good there are people like you to do this work,” Drew said softly. “People who are both strong...and kind.”
“Thank you.”
Their eyes met and held for a moment, the words left unspoken between them resonating in the air. Sean searched Drew’s blue eyes, wondering if she would ever know the secrets hidden there. Drew allowed the gentle depths of Sean’s gaze to soothe her, wondering why she felt so welcome.
They both jumped as a voice at their elbows demanded, “Hey, Sean, when are we going to give Master Cho her present?”
“What time is it?” Sean asked, looking around and realizing with a start that people were beginning to dance. The alcohol was flowing freely, and if she waited much longer, it would be impossible to get everyone’s attention. As the senior student, it was Sean’s responsibility to present the gift.
“This might be your last chance,” Drew remarked with a grin. “There seems to be a lot of fun being had.”
“You’re right.” She looked regretfully at Drew, not wishing to break their fragile communion. “Excuse me. I should take care of it.”
“Absolutely.”
Sean started to walk away and then turned back abruptly. “You’ll stay, won’t you?”
“Yes, of course.”
“I mean...after the gift presentation.”
For just a second, Drew hesitated, and then she nodded. “I’ll be here.”
Sean circled through the crowd on her way to the house, informing the students that she was going to get Master Cho’s gift. The students gathered in a semi-circle before their teacher, who was flanked now by Drew and Chris. A moment later, Sean returned carrying a large rectangular object. She bowed, as did the other students.
“Happy birthday, Master Cho,” she said, a sentiment the others echoed as she presented the gift.
Smiling, Janet Cho carefully removed the wrapping paper to reveal a watercolor of a golden tiger, which had been painted by one of the students. The frame was also handcrafted and gilded by another student. The idea had come from all of the students, and each of them had helped pay for the supplies.
“Ah, yes,” Janet Cho murmured as she surveyed her gift. “You have captured the spirit of the tiger well.” She looked briefly at each woman. “May you all carry a little of the tiger’s tenacity and power in your hearts. Thank you.”
As the group disbursed and the women wandered back to their friends and partners, someone, probably Susan, dimmed the terrace lights and turned up the music. Within minutes, people began to dance in earnest. Even Janet and Chris swayed in one another’s arms in one dim corner.
On her way inside for more beverages, Sean ran into Ellen in the kitchen. The redhead was frowning, her expression distant and preoccupied.
“Hey, you okay?” Sean asked as her friend barely spared her a glance. Don’t tell me you and Susan are fighting again.
“Fine,” Ellen replied abruptly, not meeting Sean’s eyes. “How’s the party going?”
“Great.” Sean motioned with her arm toward the laughing, milling crowd outside. “Suse is having the time of her life. I think she’s insulted every one of my friends. At least twice.”
Ellen remained curiously silent while Sean opened another case of beer. At length, she asked, “Is Drew here?”
“Yes. She’s over by the stairs.”
Sean knew exactly where Drew was—on the far side of the terrace, seated on the broad stone wall—because she’d been watching her ever since she finished presenting Master Cho with her birthday present. She’d been afraid that Drew would leave, and each time she discovered that Drew was still there, a wave of relief washed over her. Nevertheless, she had been unusually reluctant to approach Drew again. She wasn’t entirely certain what she would say.
“Why don’t you ask her to dance?” Ellen probed, recognizing the longing in Sean’s eyes.
“Oh...I couldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“It wouldn’t be appropriate, not tonight.”
“Excuse me?”
“You know, this is kind of a class thing—students and teachers—”
Ellen cut her off with a rude snort. “Oh, please. She’s what—your age—maybe even a little younger? You’re not in the dojang now, Sean. This is just the real, fucked-up old world out here.”
“What’s going on?” Sean was taken aback by Ellen’s rancor. Usually, her friend could always be counted on to see the humor in every situation. “Are you sure you’re all right? Is it Susan?”
“Must everything be about Susan?” Ellen snapped. “Go ask the woman to dance, for God’s sake. Life’s too damn short to wait for miracles.” At that, Ellen pushed her way into the crowd and disappeared from sight, leaving Sean staring after her in stunned surprise.
Not knowing what else to do, Sean carried the beer outside, put the cans on ice, and then simply stood still, paralyzed by uncertainty and uncharacteristic self-doubt. In the periphery of her vision, couples moved together to the music, and lovers brushed lips over skin in the moonlight. Sean wanted that—for the first time in what felt like forever, she wanted to feel the heat of another’s body against her own, the touch of another’s hand on her skin. No, that’s not right. Not just someone. Drew.
Her eyes were drawn back once again to the woman who sat alone on the edge of the crowd, and Sean wanted to be next to her. She had never done this before, never even imagined doing it. But when she asked herself honestly if she wanted to, the answer was yes. Finally, she willed her legs to move.
It was fully dark now, and Drew, sitting with her arms braced on either side of her body, her palms on the top of the wall, her legs lost in shadow, was only a silhouette against the sky as Sean approached. The dancing couples seemed to fade into the background as Sean moved closer, until all she could see was the woman before her. Standing nearly between Drew’s parted legs, Sean looked up at her, once again at a loss for words.
“Nice party,” Drew said quietly, ignoring the urge to brush the errant strands of hair off Sean’s cheek. She felt the heat from Sean’s body on the inside of her thigh.
“Would you like to dance?” Sean asked at last, aware that her voice cracked with uncertainty.
It was the last thing Drew expected, and she was momentarily too shocked to answer. Then, before she could think about the consequences, she answered, “Yes,” and pushed herself off the wall. They were very close now, only inches apart.
“Good,” Sean said with a soft smile, brushing her fingers over the top of Drew’s hand before turning toward the dance area.
Drew automatically placed her hand on Sean�
�s back as they moved to a space near the edge of the crowd. “I haven’t done this in a while.”
“I’ve never done it,” Sean confessed in a whisper.
Then the music slowed, and before Sean knew it, she was in Drew’s arms. As if it were the most natural thing in the world, she slid one hand to Drew’s shoulder and rested the other just above her left breast, fingertips lightly brushing her collarbone through the fabric of her shirt. Drew covered the hand on her chest with her own and encircled Sean’s waist with her other arm. They fit well together, their bodies lightly touching, breast-to-breast and thigh-to-thigh. Without thinking, Sean rested her cheek against Drew’s shoulder and brushed her fingers through the hair at the nape of Drew’s neck. The arm about her waist tightened. She felt Drew’s heart beating rapidly, though she was amazed she could feel it over the pounding in her own chest.
The distance between them slowly disappeared as they danced. And as their bodies pressed closer, Sean trembled with a combination of wonder and desire. Drew felt at once strong and soft, and the muscles under Sean’s hands rippled with pent-up tension. The places where their bodies touched seemed electrified, but it was the press of Drew’s breasts and the subtle pressure of Drew’s leg between her own that stunned her. She couldn’t believe how exciting it felt to be this close to a woman. This woman. Almost frightened by her response, she hoped that Drew didn’t feel it.
They danced in silence, each listening to the song of the other’s body. When the music ended, they stood with their arms still enfolding one another, swaying slightly to the melody that still played between them.
Drew was first to step away. “Thank you,” she said huskily. “I...uh, thank you. It was...” Her voice trailed off, and she shrugged almost helplessly.
Sean merely nodded, unable to speak.
Drew took another step back, putting more distance between them. “I must go.”
“Yes,” Sean said numbly, shaken by how raw she felt where Drew had touched her and how much the absence of that touch left her bereft. She wanted to grab her, pull her into an embrace. My God, I want her hands on me again. “I understand.”
“No, Sean. You don’t.”
And then she was gone.
Chapter Six
When the party finally broke up sometime after midnight, Sean and Susan ended the evening by cleaning up together in the kitchen. As Sean sorted cans and bottles for recycling, she glanced over at her sister, who was unusually quiet.
“Where’s Ellen?”
“She said she had things to do in the morning, and that it would be easier if she spent the night at her place,” Susan said flatly, while scooping trash off the counter into a bag. She didn’t look at Sean.
Although momentarily surprised, Sean didn’t question her sister further. Her mind was elsewhere, or better put, on someone else. She was still reeling from the dance with Drew. She had never thought herself one to be easily aroused, but there wasn’t any other word for what she had felt in Drew Clark’s arms. No one in her memory—certainly not the man she had married—had ever done to her what this one woman had managed with the briefest of touches. Her breath caught at the memory of something so innocent as Drew’s hand lightly stroking her back, and she ached with renewed desire.
I can’t believe this is happening to me.
As if reading Sean’s mind, Susan remarked, “I saw you and Drew together. How did that happen?”
“I asked her to dance,” Sean replied as if it were an everyday occurrence.
“You asked her?”
Sean nodded and grinned. “Pretty ballsy, huh?”
“Ah, is there something you want to tell me?” Susan asked archly. She stopped in the middle of tying up a trash bag to give her sister a piercing stare. “Like maybe you’ve suddenly had a sea change?”
“I like her,” Sean said self-consciously. “I just wanted to...dance with her.”
“Dance with her. Uh-huh.” Susan set the bag outside the kitchen door and leaned against the frame to study Sean, her arms crossed over her chest, an eyebrow raised. “You just out of the blue decided that you wanted to slow dance with the best looking butch at the party—after Ellen, of course.”
Sean blushed.
“And by the way, nobody leads like that unless they’re gay. Straight girls just do not dance like that.” Susan reached for the last remaining soda and popped the top. “So, what’s up?”
“I guess I just got caught up in the moment.” Unusual for her, Sean didn’t want to talk about it. She simply wanted to take her memories to bed and replay them alone in the dark—to savor each touch—because this was so new, and so special.
“I’m going downstairs to look for the pod,” Susan stated without cracking a smile. “My sister does not get caught up in anything. Unlike me, she always knows exactly what she’s doing, so obviously we have an alien invasion at work here.”
“I’m going to sleep,” Sean announced as she tossed the last of the bottles into the recycling bin, refusing to respond to her sister’s good-natured probing. “You should, too. It’s late.”
“Yeah,” Susan said evasively. “I will. In just a little while.”
If Sean had been paying more attention, she would have heard the sadness in her twin’s voice. As it was, she kissed her sister quickly on the cheek, murmured goodnight, and left her standing in the doorway, watching the moonlight play across the flat gray stones of the terrace.
*
When Janet Cho entered the dojang two hours before class the next evening, she was surprised to find Drew already there working out. Her uniform was soaked, and Janet surmised that she had been there for hours. After she returned Drew’s bow, she moved in silence to the far end of the room and watched the other woman practicing a weapons form. If it were possible, Drew appeared more intense than usual.
“You have something on your mind, yes?” Janet asked when Drew stopped for water.
Drew looked at her friend in surprise. “No. Why do you ask?”
“You have that look that says you want your head to be quiet.”
“There is nothing,” Drew said firmly. Nothing that a little time won’t cure.
She had hoped that the vigorous training would drive the memory of holding Sean from her consciousness. When she had arrived home the night before, her skin still burned with the feel of Sean in her arms. It had been so natural, when they’d danced, to pull her close and let the planes of their bodies gently meld. She hadn’t even had time to think about it. Before she’d known what was happening, they were moving together as if they always had, her thigh gently teasing between Sean’s as their hips swayed in the unmistakable rhythm of seduction.
Then it had happened so suddenly—a swift surge of desire that had left her trembling with urgency. She’d been afraid that if she had stayed she would have wanted more—would have sought more—and the most frightening thing was the realization that Sean might have given it to her. She couldn’t mistake the subtle pressure of Sean’s hips, or the rapid beating of her heart, or the soft play of Sean’s fingers through her hair.
Could she really want me, too? And if she does...what then? Christ, this is crazy!
“Are you unwell?” Janet asked, concerned by Drew’s distant expression.
“No,” Drew answered swiftly, jerking her attention back to the present. “I’m fine.”
Janet did not press. “Let us work out then.”
She and Drew practiced black belt forms together for almost an hour, but as the time for the students to arrive approached, Drew became more and more uneasy. Her concentration wandered, and at the last moment, she surrendered to the discomfort.
Facing Janet squarely, she said, “I’m sorry. I cannot stay for class tonight. I need...I need a little time away.” Just enough time for me to get my balance again. Just long enough so that when I see her again, I won’t still feel her.
“Go ahead, my friend. We will be here when you are ready.”
Drew bowed. “Thank you.”<
br />
*
Five days later, Drew still had not returned, and during that time, class continued normally—except for Sean. She had lost her focus. She forgot forms she knew by heart; her balance was bad; she was frustrated and self-critical. Finally, after class Friday night, Master Cho called her aside.
“What is troubling you, Sean?”
“I’m sorry, Master Cho.” Sean was acutely embarrassed, knowing that she wasn’t doing well and helpless to understand why. “I…I’m trying, but I can’t seem to concentrate. I don’t feel as if I’m moving correctly anymore.”
“That is because your mind is elsewhere. You must learn to use your training to center your mind. Your body knows the way, but if your mind is busy somewhere else, you will lose the harmony between the two. When your mind and body are in balance, you will not need to think about what to do next. It will happen all by itself. Trust yourself—the calm is there within you. Let it out.”
Sean nodded. “I will try.”
“Good. You will succeed. Be patient with yourself.”
“Master Cho,” Sean asked quietly, “is Master Clark coming back?”
“She will be back,” her teacher said with certainty.
She was right. The next night when Sean arrived for class, Drew was there already, warming up. Since Sean usually arrived an hour or more before anyone else—she liked to practice her forms without all the commotion of students preparing for class—the two of them were alone.
“Good evening,” she said softly from the doorway when Drew finished the sequence she had been practicing.
Looking over, Drew smiled and bowed. “Hello.”
“I’m...glad you’re back,” Sean said before she could stop herself.
Drew nodded, a smile lifting the corner of her mouth. “So am I.”
Watching Sean go through her pre-class rituals, Drew wondered how she’d thought a few days away would make any difference in the effect Sean had on her. She’d told herself she needed the time to get her new apartment in order. She’d painted and hung shelves and shopped for the bare essentials. But even working dawn till dark, she couldn’t stop thinking of Sean. In the midst of some chore, Sean’s face would flash into her mind, and she’d feel her in her arms just as strongly as if it had been moments before. When she lay down after exhaustion finally drove her to her bed, she’d think about Sean as she fell asleep. She wanted her, and she couldn’t deny it.
