by Amity Cross
Ren didn’t seem to think it was too much of a stretch. “Why would you say that?” she asked.
I shrugged. “Regular people are into assertiveness.”
“You’re assertive,” she declared.
“I don’t know how to relate,” I snapped.
She leaned backward, her eyebrows rising. “Alright.”
“Sorry, I—” I sucked in a couple of sharp breaths. “The last few days have been a lot for me.”
“No need to apologize,” Ren said. “I shouldn’t have pushed.”
“I just…I just need to get used to this before I can think about that.” Love, dates, holding hands, kissing and the elephant in the fucking room…sex. The mere thought of a man touching me there after… Nobody had touched me since him. I was so fucking scared…
“Violet,” Ren said, her voice full of concern. “You’re absolutely right. Don’t think about that just yet. Think about my fan-fucking-tastic spreadsheet!” She clicked the mouse with a flourish as it appeared on the screen.
Cracking a smile, I instantly felt the pressure bleed away.
“Once you get this shizz down, nothing will stop you or this bloody gym.”
“I hope so,” I replied. I really, really did.
Six
Violet
Day one went off without a hitch.
Day two, I drove myself into Pulse. Ash had stayed over with Ren last night, at my insistence. I guess it was my way of trying to be more of an adult and become more assertive. Not relying on my brother so much when he already had a shitload of responsibility with the gym and his relationship. Time to tone down on the emotional vampirism.
I parked out the back, in the spot next to Ash’s car, and turned off the engine. I’d made it in one piece, but I still had to make it inside. Taking a deep breath, I opened the door and stepped out into the early morning sunshine.
That’s when I saw them.
Lincoln was leaning up against the wall between me and the rear door, his phone in his hand. Next to him was a tall, blonde woman who was obviously a regular at the gym. She was all toned and athletic looking, her skin tanned and flawless. They both looked my way at the same time, and I felt my cheeks heat, a slight wave of nausea floating up to bitch-slap me right in the moosh. I cast my gaze down and closed the car door, pressing the button on the fob to lock it.
They’d seen me now. There was no way around it without looking like a total freak, so I rounded the front of the car, tightening my grip around the handle of my bag. My boots thumped on the footpath, my heart beating double time.
“Hey,” Lincoln said as I neared.
“Hi.” I smiled weakly, my gaze flickering briefly to his. I couldn’t even look at the woman, whoever she was.
I passed them quickly, pushing in the back door.
“Who’s she?” I heard the woman purr, a hint of jealousy in her voice.
“That’s Violet, Ash’s little sister.”
The door banged closed behind me, sounding a lot like the nail in my coffin.
Little sister. And there you had it. In this place, I would always be the ‘little sister’. I wanted to get out of myself and try, but everyone was walking around me like I was breakable, and for a bunch of muscle-bound fighters, that was a tough ask. Ash had probably warned them all that if they fucked with me, he’d fuck with them. Asshole.
Storming into the gym, my mind elsewhere, I almost stumbled when I crossed paths with Bobby. I knew it was him because he wore an apron over his Pulse T-shirt.
“Hey,” he said with a smile. “You’re Violet, right?”
He was a fit looking guy, maybe thirty years old, with a shaved head and arms full of tattoos. He seemed friendly enough, so I nodded.
“I’m Bobby. Welcome to the chaos.” His eyes widened mockingly and he grinned.
“Uh, thanks,” I replied, shifting nervously as I heard the back door open.
“Can I smell something burning?” A booming voice declared behind me.
As Lincoln’s tenor washed over me, I shuddered, my entire body becoming aware of his presence.
“Day two and this fucker’s already a comedian,” Bobby said to me, his brown eyes sparkling. He was kinda cute in a lost puppy dog kinda way.
“You got a sec, Violet?” Lincoln said to me.
I drew in a deep breath and glanced up at him. He was waiting expectantly, his eyes drilling into mine. Fuck, the word drilling.
“Uh, give me ten,” I muttered before escaping the scene like a terrified little girl who was stuck in the deep end. Shit, what was I going to do with ten minutes? Hyperventilate?
I climbed the stairs, cursing to myself for being such a freak show. Shoving into the office, I pressed the power button on the computer and after I dumped my bag on the desk, I began to pace back and forth.
Should I say something about our awkward encounter the other night? I should apologize, right? That’s what normal people did. I bet Dr. Ormond would be proud of me.
The door opened a crack and Lincoln’s head appeared, looking just as sexy as it did ten minutes ago.
“You cool?” he asked, edging into the office.
“Yeah.” I sat in the chair in front of the computer and waited.
Moving right into the room in a waft of some spicy cologne that made my head spin, he sat a piece of notepaper on the desk. “My bank info.”
Oh. What the fuck did I think he wanted? And why the hell did he smell so damn good?
“Listen, about—”
“Lincoln—”
We tried to speak at the same time, and it all came out super awkward.
“You first,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck with a big hand.
I shook my head. “No, you.” I’d rather he’d talk first since what I wanted to say sounded stupid. I was glad he’d interrupted and unknowingly saved me from myself.
“This morning,” he said.
“Don’t worry about it,” I said hastily, picking up the piece of paper.
“Andrea…” he went on, ignoring me. “I don’t really know her…”
I ran my gaze over his terrible handwriting so I didn’t have to look him in the eye. “It’s okay. You don’t have to explain.”
He didn’t really know her? Was that guy code for I don’t know her, but I know her? Whatever it was, she was prettier than me and I was one hundred percent sure she didn’t have an aversion to the male touch.
“What were you going to say?”
I froze, not sure how to answer. Silence opened up between us, and I thought about what to say, then it got to the point where I’d left it too long, so I shook my head.
“I didn’t expect to see you, to be honest,” he said, trying to fill the awkward silence. “I mean, after everything that happened.”
“What?” I asked through a heavy breath, my heartbeat accelerating.
“Ash, when he came back to Beat last year, he said that you’d…”
“Stop.” I squeezed my eyes shut. Lincoln knew. He fucking knew, and there was only one person who could’ve told him.
I felt this unbelievable rage begin to simmer in my stomach. It bubbled and boiled until I felt my fingertips tingle. When I laid eyes on my fucking brother… How dare he tell Lincoln, and fuck knows who else, about the attack. He had no right. I’ll kill him.
I guess uncontrollable anger was a Fuller trait.
I buried my face in my hands, tears beginning to spill. It was my greatest fucking shame, and Ash had told the man I had an incurable crush on. Humiliated didn’t cut it—make it mortified.
“Violet?”
There was genuine concern in Lincoln’s voice, but I couldn’t even register it. “Please leave me alone.”
“I didn’t know…”
“Neither did I,” I choked out. I guess now I didn’t have to apologize for my reaction at the party at least. He knew I had problems all this time. Fuck it all to hell.
“Violet, I didn’t mean to upset—”
“Pleas
e leave before I say something I’ll regret.”
I heard him move beside me, his footsteps light on the carpet, and then the door opened and closed. Peering through my fingers, I checked to see if I was actually alone. If anyone saw what I was about to do, they’d call the cops and have me committed.
Grabbing my phone, I texted Ash. Where are you?
A moment later, it pinged with a reply. Next door.
I gathered he meant the apartment space he was still trying to plan with Ren, so I shoved the chair away from the desk and pushed out into the hall like a hurricane of destruction. Bursting into the apartment, I found Ash scribbling on the building plans that were stuck to the wall. Luckily for him he was alone because I was going to rip him a new asshole.
“Ash,” I barked and he glanced up.
“Oh, fuck,” he declared as he registered the pure anger on my face.
“How many people did you tell?”
He turned to face me, raising his hands in defense. “Look, Vee, I didn’t mean—”
“How many people know I was raped, Ash?”
He swallowed hard.
“Lincoln knows,” I cried, barely holding on. “Who else? Dean? Coach Miller? Monica?”
“Dean and Coach,” Ash replied, his voice oddly quiet.
“Fuck you,” I snapped. “How dare you.”
“Vee, c’mon.”
Tears began to spill from eyes, trailing down my cheeks. “It’s humiliating,” I hissed. “I didn’t want anyone to know. Ever.”
“I wouldn’t have told if I didn’t think I could trust them,” he argued. “It was the only way they’d let me and Ren have some peace. It was the only way I was welcome back at Beat.”
“There’s the problem, Ash,” I cried. “You. You told them because you. I’m forever grateful for what you sacrificed for me, but I was a part of it too.”
“Vee, I know. I—”
“Don’t. Just fucking don’t.”
Ash reached out, his expression full of regret, and I twisted away before he could touch me.
“You know what I feel every day?” I asked, beginning to tremble. “Shame. Shame because it was my fault. Shame because you ruined your life because of me. Fucking shame and having them know that?” I jabbed a finger towards the gym. “Shame. I can’t even look them in the eye anymore.”
Ash stepped forward, his face ashen, and threw his arms around me.
“Let me the fuck go,” I cried, batting my fists against his chest. “Ash.”
Ignoring me, he just squeezed tighter, my fists bouncing off him like he was made of stone. Well, he was over six-feet of hard muscle, so to think I could put a dent in him? Fat fucking chance.
“Shh,” he murmured, laying his cheek against the top of my head. “Let it out, Vee.”
“I’m mortified,” I sobbed. Having Lincoln know considering how I felt about him? Yeah, I felt. Attraction or whatever you wanted to call it. I could dream, but I could never cope with him touching me. I couldn’t see how I could, and now that I knew he knew everything, those fears were cemented. Never seemed like a really long fucking time.
“I’m sorry,” Ash said as I began to calm. “I didn’t think. It was such a hard time for all of us. You know I blamed myself for years, and you were the one to help me see that it wasn’t my fault. To think you feel that way? Fuck, Vee. It was nobody’s fault but his, and he got what was coming to him. I made sure of it.”
“Lincoln…” I began.
“You still crushing on him?”
I squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to confess to my brother that I was still hung up on the guy. “I have to work with him.”
“You didn’t hear it from me, but he’s not a bad guy, Vee. I don’t think he’ll tell anyone.”
“It’s not that…”
“You want me to have a word with him?”
“No!” I cried, pulling away a little too sharply.
Ash frowned, his eyes flickering. The cogs were turning in his brain, and when that happened, it meant trouble. I’d probably just given myself away with my stellar reaction.
“I need to start coping with things myself,” I said, steering the conversation away from the danger zone. “I can’t rely on you to fix everything for me. Just…just don’t tell anyone else.”
He didn’t seem convinced, but he nodded. “Sure thing.”
Pulling in a deep breath, I glanced back at the door. Now I had to go the fuck back out there and pretend that I was cool with everything. Could I look Lincoln in the eye again? I guess there was only one way to find out.
Maybe we could be acquaintances, work buddies…friends. What a fucking laugh.
**
I spent the rest of the day totaling invoices and organizing the filing cabinet like a pro. At least my anal-retentive organizational skills were coming in handy.
I also tried my hardest not to look through the window at the gym below, but like a bloody siren call, I couldn’t stay away. Lincoln spent the entire day, down on the mats, helping Ash train the two guys who were going for the pro MMA league. Ash did all the training alongside them because he was a freak of nature, but Lincoln held back. Every now and then, he’d join in, but I could tell his shoulder was bothering him. I wondered what exactly he’d done to it and what his prognosis was.
Shaking my head, I scolded myself for fixating on the poor guy once again. Turning to sit back at the desk, I paused. Shit, I needed to pee really badly.
It was the most normal thing in the world, and here I was, thinking I would never have to leave my safe little harbor in the sea of hot men. Turned out, only the call of nature could pry me away.
Leaving the office, I tiptoed down the stairs and hightailed it around the corner into the women’s change rooms without being seen.
The bathroom was empty, so I went into the first stall and locked the door, comforted by the small space. I was all about the power pee, so I was done in thirty seconds, my finger pushing the button to flush. Unlocking the door and sliding out, my gaze collided with the woman from this morning, Andrea.
Fuck.
She glanced up, catching my startled gaze in the mirror.
“Do I know you?” she asked, fluffing her blonde hair. Now that I was actually looking at her, I could tell it wasn’t natural.
“I work here.” After my argument with Ash, I wasn’t feeling so shy anymore. Talk about a confidence booster.
“Oh, that’s right, your Ash’s little sister.”
I didn’t miss the emphasis on the word ‘little’. Little as in child. “I’m pretty sure we’re the same age.”
“How do you know Lincoln?” she asked, ignoring me.
I shifted uncomfortably, pushing the button on the soap dispenser. “He trained at the same gym as my brother when we were teenagers.”
Andrea smiled, obviously pleased at my answer. She didn’t see me as competition, not that I was in the first place.
Turning the tap on, I washed my hands as quickly as I could, just wanting to get the hell out of there. Shaking them dry as Andrea primped in the mirror, I turned to make my escape, but she called out to me at the last moment.
“Nice to meet you, Viola.”
I rolled my eyes. Lincoln was interested in that? I was well aware that she knew exactly what she was doing, which was trying to put me off and stake her claim on Lincoln. Lucky her—it was working. She didn’t really have to try though, right? Confrontation terrified me.
Without acknowledging her remark, I slunk out of the bathroom and around the corner, rushing back up the stairs to my safe little office. [CS1]
Seven
Violet
I took to hiding out in the office after that.
I spoke when I was spoken to, but mostly I kept to myself. It was easier, maybe not healthy, but it allowed me to cope. I was smart enough to realize something needed to change, but I didn’t know what it was. Confidence? Maybe, but how did you get that? It didn’t grow on trees, and no amount of wishing would make
it true.
Andrea had warned me off Lincoln in her subliminal catty way and it was another kick in the guts I didn’t need. I already knew he would never be mine, so what was the point?
Ren stuck with me for a couple of days to make sure I was understanding my new job, which made the settling in a little easier to handle, but by the end of the first week, I’d picked most of it up like an old pro. It was ironic really. Ash had a talent for athletics and I had a talent for office administration. How boring could you get.
I went in to Pulse on Saturday, even though I didn’t need to, and pulled a half-day getting the office just the way I liked it. I decorated the place by sticking up a framed poster with a motivational quote about fitness on it, getting a potted plant for the empty corner, and just generally making the place more inviting. If I was going to spend most of my time hiding out in that place, then it had better be visually appealing.
Come Monday morning, I was ready to get back into it with renewed enthusiasm. It was never going to be easy after so much time hiding away, but now that I knew Lincoln was going to be hanging around, I could mentally prepare myself with the bit of distance Sunday afforded me. Dr. Ormond had said much the same thing when I saw her at my regular Thursday night appointment. At least I was on the right track, I supposed. A little at a time was all I could do.
First order of business was branching out, and by branching out, I meant, skipping my morning coffee at home and getting one at Pulse, which was where I now found myself. I stood outside the kitchen, my feet stuck to the spot. Confidence, Violet, I thought to myself.
Stepping inside, I paused as I saw Bobby unpacking boxes of supplements. He glanced up and smiled when he saw it was me.
“Hey, Violet,” he said.
I moved further into the room, casting my gaze around. I hadn’t been in here yet, and I was surprised at how clean it was. Bobby must run a tight ship.
“There wouldn’t happen to be any coffee in here?” I asked shyly.
“Not a Monday person, huh?” he asked, leaning his elbows against the table and ticking something off the invoice in front of him.
“Mornings in general.”
