Songbird

by Lisa Samson

  7

  Soup from my husband’s hand tasted better than anything I can ever remember.

  I look back at that day a month ago and I see a nail-scarred hand. If a better explanation is out there, I don’t know what it is, so I’m sorry.

  Harlan began quite a parade to get me back out into the world. Luella came down with the Reasins for an entire week. Ruby stayed a night or two. Then Francie Evans drove down with her brother James. Tanzel was over every afternoon with the funniest little poems and inspirational pieces that had me laughing like crazy.

  We walked every morning, Harlan and I, down Route 44 through the country, we took drives and watched folks go about their lives and he didn’t allow me to read any papers or watch any television. He created a healing cocoon for me and I felt loved.

  Seeing all those people who touch my life in such a short time span made me see I am blessed. And I guess that’s the hardest part about the battle of depression, seeing things for what they really are.

  I am sitting on my lawn chair now, the summer dew still wet on the dried, heat-addled grass, and I sing to myself, knowing this battle will be with me for the rest of my life, but knowing I don’t have to fight it alone. It won’t be easy, I know this, but I finally don’t believe I will end up hand in hand with Mama, with two swirly gardens and nothing but television.

  I believe God healed me of that a long time ago.

  8

  Dana Collier, interviewer extraordinaire leans slightly toward the camera, the lights of the studio sending sparks through her frosted pageboy. “Along with our celebrity features, we have a special interview planned for this evening’s Hot Topics. More when we return after this.”

  The red light on top of the camera dims and Dana turns to me. “You’re doing all right, Mrs. Hopewell?”

  I nod. “Please call me Charmaine.”

  “I will. And you, Reverend Hopewell?”

  “I’m just fine, thank you.”

  When the Post failed to respond within a day to our request for an interview, Harlan called the network and they jumped at the chance. So here we are, sitting on a plum couch, Harlan and me, our fingers intertwined. Hope and Grandma are having lunch and a trip to FAO Schwarz during the taping. New York City is the place for me, let me tell you! It’s as kooky and nonstop as I am.

  Dana lays a quick hand on my knee. “I just want to thank you for giving me the exclusive on this. This whole thing has been such a mess, I think it’s good for America to know at least one televangelist is sincere and human.”

  “Human.” I laugh. “That would be us.”

  “Now I’m going to ask what sound like hard-hitting questions to appease the viewers’ sense of vengeance about all this. They won’t know I know your answer already, so it will give you the opportunity to respond with the truth. Understand?”

  “Perfectly, Dana.” Oh, brother. If I found out this woman was made of plastic, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.

  “It’s a show.” She leans close to me, all confidential-like. “For all of our self-righteous seriousness in this business, we know if we don’t give the viewer what they want, we’ll be out on our ear.”

  I’ll bet you say that to everyone.

  Harlan smiles. “It’s kind of that way with TV preaching, too, you know.”

  She points to him in a salesman way. “I hate to admit it, and if you say I uttered these words, I’ll lie and say I didn’t, but there’s not that much difference between the two of us, is there?”

  “Three seconds, Ms. Collier!”

  Dana sits up straight. “We’re back with our guests, televangelist Harlan Hopewell and his wife, gospel singer Charmaine Hopewell. Welcome to Hot Topics.”

  We nod our thanks and smile. “Good to be here, Dana,” I say.

  Dana gives a background on the televangelist scandal, dragging up Bakker and Falwell and Peter and Vinca. “And on the outskirts of all this, another scandal developed, far less known than the Bakkers and the Loves, but just as disillusioning to folks all over the South. Mrs. Hopewell, you’ve come here to set the record straight?”

  “I have.”

  “I have before me quite a list of allegations regarding the Port of Peace Hour in regards to Reverend Hopewell’s messages against psychiatric help for mental illness. Are these true?”

  “Yes, they are,” says Harlan. “Now some of them we’ve followed up on personally.”

  “You did?” Dana acted surprised. “Can you tell us about it?”

  “Well, several of the allegations were found to be true. Unfortunately there isn’t much we can do to help them, other than offer up any kind of comfort we can. And we do try, don’t we Charmaine?” He turns to me.

  I nod. “I’ve already traveled to all their homes. Some have offered forgiveness when we’ve asked, one hasn’t. But I can’t say I blame him. Losing a loved one isn’t something easily accepted.”

  “Did this man lose his wife?”

  “His sister,” Harlan says.

  “Anybody try to take this to court?”

  Harlan nods. “Just one. The ministry wasn’t held liable because we weren’t offering medical advice, just spiritual counsel.”

  I put a hand on his knee. “And to Harlan’s credit he never expressly told anyone to stop existing treatment.”

  Her eyebrows raise a tad. “Really?” But she lets that go, thank the Lord. Time is probably running out, “Well, what about the other allegations?”

  Harlan sits up a little straighter “Completely false. We investigated them thoroughly, willing to help out, and found that the situations were utterly fabricated, or the person in question had never even seen the show but had been sick for a very long time.”

  Dana shuffles her notes a bit. “So this puts quite a damper on your overall message then, Reverend Hopewell?”

  Harlan nods with his calm, gentle smile. “Absolutely not, Ms. Collier. It defines it.” He turns serious. “I’m sorry for what happened. I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t pray for forgiveness, that I have walked away feeling justified for every word I’ve preached. I grieve for these four families, and I pray for them, and they all know they have only to call and we’ll be there. But I’d like to think we’ve come through this all a little less judgmental, a little kinder, a little more predisposed to grace.”

  “Speaking of Grace, Ms. Hopewell, can you tell us why you kept Leo all of those years without telling her parents?”

  “I don’t want this to come off as cruel against Grace, so I won’t go into detail, Dana. Grace and I had an unspoken understanding regarding her folks about Leo and her lifestyle. I knew exactly what I was supposed to say when I called them every month to update them on their daughter. She wanted me to say as little as possible, but enough to ease their minds. They’re good people, the Underhills, they just don’t have all the facts.”

  “Do you miss him?”

  “It’s something I’ll never get over.”

  If I cry now, like I feel like doing, it will cheapen my feelings, so I bite down on my lip and relish the pain I’ll cherish forever. I had Leo for a time, and for the rest of his life he’ll bear the stamp of my love.

  “I miss my son, Ms. Collier.”

  “I’m sure you do.”

  She turns toward Harlan. “Your wife suffered from depression and yet you continued to preach your antipsychology message, is that not right?”

  He nods. “But not for long. It was Charmaine, my beautiful, bubbly wife who’s always been so faithful to the Lord and has always loved Jesus so much, that God used to convince me that I’d been going at it a little too strong.”

  She arched a brow. “So people aren’t responsible for their sin?”

  “Of course they are. But sin and sickness are two different things. And God’s grace covers them both.”

  “It covers everything,” I say.

  She’s not too pleased with this line, I can tell.

  I lean forward. “It’s like this, Dana. Maybe some o
f us rely on medicine to fill in the missing piece of our relationship to God, to cover up our sins, but maybe some of us just have things that are wrong with our brains. But God’s bigger than that, too. Who am I to question the ways He chooses to heal?”

  “Finally, Charmaine, there was a great mystery surrounding the profits you made from your record sales. Now granted, this was personal money, not ministry funds, but I’m sure the viewers are curious as to where this was going. First of all, your house is filled with expensive antiques.”

  “They’re my grandma Min’s. She was frugal for years and saved every penny she could to buy those things. She’s one of those antique nuts!”

  Dana twitters. “So you have an inherited taste for the finer things then?”

  “Well, no–”

  “And who can blame you? Isn’t it true that you spent the first several years of your marriage in a motor home?”

  “Yes, that’s true.”

  “So being surrounded by these gorgeous antiques must be quite the experience.”

  “They’re just Grandma Min’s. I like them, but they’re hers, not mine. Everybody has that one thing they love.” I squeak out a chuckle that sounds more like a soft cry for help.

  “What about your clothing?”

  Here we go again. “It’s a little known fact that I am quite a seamstress.”

  Her eyebrows raise. “I didn’t know that. Did you make that suit you’re wearing?”

  “I sure did.”

  “Goodness, that’s beautiful!” She reaches forward. “Real silk?”

  I shake my head. “I wish!”

  She laughs.

  All this comes across as real, but I can hardly imagine this lady putting on a homemade anything.

  “So your money wasn’t being spent lavishly, was it?”

  Finally! “No. I was paying for the care of my mother at Broughton Hospital. She’s a schizophrenic and she deserted me when I was eleven years old. I only found her last year.”

  The interview continues and I am tired.

  “Schizophrenia? What was the reunion like?” She looks so concerned.

  “As one might expect. No emotion on her part whatsoever. But she’s being well cared for now, closer to our home, and Grandma Min can go over and visit her daughter on a regular basis.” I grab more tightly to Harlan’s leg. “It’s hard for Grandma.”

  “So mental illness runs in the family?”

  “It appears so.”

  “Do you ever worry that your own mental illness will pro — ”

  “I think we’re done now,” Harlan says. He points off the set. “That man over there is counting down and there’s only five fingers left.”

  Dana reddens and turns to the camera. “More Hot Topics after this.”

  Finally, our bit is over. Dana says a quick good-bye and hurries off the set.

  An assistant producer ushers us back to the green room and thanks us.

  And that is it.

  “Well, if this isn’t anticlimactic I don’t know what is,” Harlan says, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

  “It was over before I could breathe!”

  We stare at each other. And stare.

  Harlan rubs his chin. “Hmm. I don’t know, Shug. I feel kind of odd, don’t you? Let down a little?”

  I nod. “It just goes to show us Harlan, we really are a couple of nobodies, aren’t we?”

  And we laugh and laugh.

  “Let’s go meet Grandma and Hope.”

  Epilogue

  We’ve been back on the air for years. I’ve reached the ripe old age of forty-two and Mama lives with us now. We waited until Hope was a little older. Thirteen, actually. And Hope is strong. She handles the situation beautifully. Grandma Min is spry despite her age, as if I doubted she would be, and has discovered the joy of bus trips.

  I found another great dessert a few years back that even Mama can make. It’s called a “dump cake” and all you do is dump cans of fruit, layer butter and sprinkle in uncooked cake mix. We all love it. Hope makes one every time she comes home from college to visit. Even my own children, one girl and two boys, can make it.

  My nose still bleeds every once in a while, especially when Mama has a downturn or I’m planning to go into the studio to record. I wish to goodness they’d change the decor there at BrooksTone.

  The Port of Peace Hour now lives up to its name. We do all we can to give peace to folks who don’t know why life is so hard. We don’t have the answer to that question, but we know there’s some comfort along the way. And if that isn’t good enough, well then, there’s nothing else I can say.

  My daughter Victoria calls out, “Grandma Isla is singing again!”

  I know what it is and I smile. She’s been singing “Good Morning Merry Sunshine” for a while now.

  I’ve learned to join in as best I can.

  Reading Guide

  1. The need for a true home is one of the major themes of Songbird. Why did Charmaine so long for a home? What do you think are the most important qualities of a healthy home, and why do these seem so elusive at times?

  2. The effect of reaching out one-on-one makes a vast difference in Charmaine’s life. What people gave of themselves to her and what impact did it have? To whom did Charmaine give of herself and what impact did it have on Charmaine, as well as the person who benefited from that action? Who has impacted your own life?

  3. God gifts people with talents such as we see here with Charmaine. What is a human’s responsibility to God for the gifts she has been given? What gift have you been given, and do you use it not only to its fullest but to glorify the Giver?

  4. Mental illness spans the pages of Songbird. Is mental illness something that should be brought out in the open? Do you struggle with this? Is it a viable excuse for wrongs committed while influenced by the illness? Is a mentally ill person, whether it’s depression or schizophrenia, responsible for her behavior in the eyes of God?

  5. In what specific way could you personally relate to Charmaine?

  6. Was Charmaine in any way responsible for the care of her mother? Why did she feel such a need to go beyond a normal sense of duty? And was it for herself or Grandma Min?

  7. Charmaine is motivated by her need for love and acceptance. How is this manifested in Songbird? What do you feel is your primary motivation in life? Guilt? Fear? What does a healthy motivation look like?

  8. Let’s talk about Harlan. How could such a nice man be so misguided in his viewpoints regarding mental illness? If this were a real-life situation, would you readily accept his repentance? Would you even believe it was for real? What does true repentance look and feel like? Why was it important that Charmaine and Harlan speak out via the media?

  9. The televangelist scandal of the ‘80s left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. How did it affect those whose ministries were on the right course? How did it affect you personally? Why did it bring out such strong emotion in everyone?

  10. Considering her history of drug and alcohol abuse, should Grace have been allowed to take back Leo? Should Charmaine and Harlan have fought to get him back? Why or why not?

  11. In Songbird, where was God’s grace most evident?

  In a novel rich with heartache, deeply felt spirituality, and down-to-earth humor, a talented woman dares to face her demons—as a secret from the past threatens the love she’s fought so hard to keep.

  Songbird

  After her mama dropped out of her life, Myrtle Charmaine dropped her first name forever. But eleven-year-old Charmaine has her singing and her beloved Sunday school teacher, who takes her into her own God-fearing family. Yet Charmaine’s out-of-the-ordinary odyssey has only just begun…

  There are foster homes…a fateful encounter with a college man when she is barely fourteen…and gigs that range from the down-home sweetness of the Suds ‘n’ Strikes Forever bowling alley to the rhinestone dazzle of Atlantic City to the pure joy of singing gospel in church. And when a traveling preacher named Harlan who loves
the Word and her arrives, Charmaine knows for sure God is smiling at her. Still, even on a countrywide crusade, her ineffable sense of longing lingers. It will lead her to paths Harlan would never approve of—if he knew! And to something that can end her sadness and give her the keys to healing.

  “SONGBIRD sings! And it breathes, too….

  Lisa Samson is an extraordinary talent.”

  —Sylvia Bambola, author of Refiner’s Fire and Tears in a Bottle

  “Absolutely brilliant…written with a gut-level honesty….Samson has created a unique character with depth and warmth and a distinctive voice.”

  —Melody Carlson, author of Blood Sisters