by Eva Gill
She nodded. “I get it. I saw you kiss Anya, by the way. That was not a kiss between strangers. I think you love her.”
With that Alice stood. “Excuse the lack of subservience in my demeanour, but I wish to kneel to a man who respects me and loves me, and I thought I could make you love me, only me, but I see now I was wrong. I am going to get my stuff and head home, I haven’t had anything to drink so I’ll be fine.”
Before she left the room, and Jonah, who was deeply confused, she turned back.
“I don’t think your ‘happy ever after’ is as far away as you think. She loves you too, you know, it’s obvious.” Alice flung her hair over her shoulder and left.
“I’m sorry, Alice. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
Jonah knew she would be hurting for a while.
He went to check briefly on Anya before going to bed and saw her in the moonlight, curled in the centre of the bed with the covers pulled over her. He closed her door silently and walked into his own bathroom, climbed into a steaming shower and then fell, exhausted, into his bed.
The next morning Jonah made sure everyone was safely on their way, watching them climb into their cars and drive off. Alex arrived before Anya was up and only briefly greeted Jonah before going to her.
He heard her angry screaming, and the fight that ensued, all the way down in the kitchen. When they came down the stairs, Anya behind Alex, both were subdued and she refused to make eye contact even when she mumbled, “I am sorry, there’s blood on the bedding from my cuts.”
They said goodbye and left without Jonah getting to discuss the kiss which had taken place the previous night. He had wanted to do so over coffee, in a private space, no Alex, no intrusion, and no subspace or confusion.
He was alone at last and poured a mug of strong coffee from the jug, before he walked out onto his back patio muttering to himself. “What a fucking disaster.”
So much for the lovely dinner he had envisioned, he thought, or the fun evening. All it had been was emotional and tiring. He finished his coffee and spent the day cleaning and tidying.
Jonah hadn’t arranged cleaners again, he was concerned about inappropriate items left behind and wanted to do the sweep of the house himself. After the third bed he stripped, he realised he definitely wanted someone else to do this. With a few choice expletives he continued the arduous task, all the while wondering if Anya and Alex would be okay.
***
It took a while for Jonah to get a reply from Alex as to having an afternoon beer. He wanted to talk about everything that had happened on the night of the dinner. He hadn’t heard from Anya, either, and the total lack of communication worried him. He now sat in the BistroRx with a tall glass in front of him while he waited for Alex.
When the other man walked through the door Jonah saw the exhaustion in his eyes and his movements. He stood to greet him and they both sat.
“Hey, sorry to say this, but you look terrible, Alex, what’s up?” Jonah asked as he beckoned a waiter over.
“Just having some trouble with the club and with Anya. I am a bit tired.” Alex ordered a beer and sat back. “Enough of my shit. What’s new on your front? Catch me up.”
Jonah told him about the end of the evening that he had missed, about breaking up with Alice, and about the work drama which had led to his resignation. Jonah still had no regrets about his decision, and spent a good number of hours each day sending proposals to prospective clients and re-organising his office to suit full-time work.
Alex straightened in his seat when Jonah spoke of the fact that he would now be working for himself, and stopped his flood of words with a raised hand. “Wait, what? You quit your job, am I getting this straight?”
Jonah nodded and Alex started laughing.
“This is so awesome!” He held up a hand. “I don’t mean awesome that you quit your job under crap circumstances, but I have had issues with the accountant for the club, he is relocating to New York. If you are keen on taking over, the work is yours, and it pays well. We might be closed for a while until things settle after Friday night, but as soon as we are sorted out the job is yours, if you want it.”
It took a while for them to discuss the details, and Jonah accepted without hesitating. The pay Alex offered was indeed very good. Before they left the bar Alex placed a hand on Jonah’s shoulder.
“I understand how confusing things are with Anya. Don’t worry about the awkwardness. I think she is dealing with a few inner questions about what she wants from life. She hasn’t been herself lately. She will figure it out, as she always does, and all will be well again.” He walked Jonah to his car, his own motorbike parked nearby. “As for Alice, it’s a pity that didn’t work out. She is a lovely girl.”
Jonah shrugged. “She could have been Miss USA and I still wouldn’t have been able to develop an emotional attachment to her. I don’t know why these things happen, but she just wasn’t right for me.”
He got into his car. Alex had started walking away, but turned back.
“That sucks, I almost forgot, we are doing a bit of a meditation, ‘finding your inner voice’ type thing on Tuesday evening at The Realm, you should come, seven p.m. Calm space after the accident.”
Jonah frowned. “What happened, Alex? It sounds serious, if you might have to close.”
Alex shrugged. “It’s nothing, I’ll be in touch.”
With that he turned away, leaving Jonah puzzled and curious. Alex slipped his helmet on, and with a roar of the bike’s engine, sped off. Jonah never saw the worry crease his brow, the knowledge clear that the only woman Jonah wanted a tie to was his Anya, and he knew Jonah was not open to polyamory…
Alex was breaking a little each day, and he couldn’t tell a soul.
Plus, he now had to deal with an extra stress: his business may not survive.
Chapter 9
The message to go to Alex’s home for the meditation evening, as opposed to the club, came late on Monday afternoon. Jonah again found himself worried about what was happening.
Jonah arrived at Alex’s place, entering through the lower parking lot to a large room which was dimly lit. Candles filled every alcove and surface and soft classical music played throughout. Jonah loved that the music at any gatherings of members of The Realm was always mood-enhancing, not too loud to hold a conversation, and activity appropriate. He stopped into the entrance and saw Alex stand to come and greet him.
Cushions and throw blankets covered the floor, and in the circle sat Bartholomew, raised on a dais of bigger pillows, calmly watching the others. Jonah saw Blaine and Persephone, all the other initiates of his group, and several people he did not recognise.
Alex took him by the arm. “Come find a spot, you can sit with Anya and I, if you wish. I am so sorry for the change, I just didn’t want to cancel this.”
He hushed Jonah when he tried to ask questions.
“We will all take some time to quiet our minds, just sit and breathe deeply and slowly, and I’ll answer your questions when I can, okay?” Alex whispered this when Jonah frowned, and then released his arm. “When everybody is here, Bartholomew will do a guided meditation.”
With a final nod Jonah sat down beside Anya, arranging his cloak comfortably. She smiled as Jonah joined them and then turned her face back to Bartholomew. They sat in silence. All Jonah could hear was the soft inhales and exhales as he joined them in trying to clear his mind. There were new lines on Alex’s face which Jonah could not help but notice.
Jonah looked around at all the heads in front of him and saw Alice beside Bartholomew. Obviously she had decided to join his little family of slaves. Laila and Dimitri sat on either side of her, their fingers intertwined. The slaves were in normal clothing this evening, soft looking cotton t-shirts and track pants. The women wore their hair in different styles, having clearly come from normal jobs, not dressed specially for an ‘occasion’ and some wore makeup. There was no need for ceremony here. The only thing that stood out, letting on this was
a ‘Realm’ activity, was the men in their cloaks.
Twenty minutes passed and three or more people arrived, then Jonah heard the doors lock and silence descended over everybody present. Bartholomew stood and walked among them; he was barefooted and emanated a calm authority. As Jonah watched, he stopped beside each individual and laid a hand on their head. When he spoke his voice entranced Jonah.
“Good evening all. This is the first of the meditations the new initiates are attending, and I want to explain what our goal is here. We will clear our minds of the day’s chaos and thoughts of work and family. Breathe deeply and be in the moment. Being calm allows us to hear our inner voices and listen to what our hearts need. I know it sounds ‘cheesy’ to our younger members perhaps, but try.” Bartholomew reached Jonah, and as he touched his hair, Jonah’s mind cleared of all the worry: Alice, Anya, work, the future, it all disappeared.
“Each of you has a desire, be it monetary or romance related, physical goals or more spiritual. We all dream of something specific to happen in our lives. I want you to let that blank space that’s now in your mind, which this calm has brought you, be filled with which you most desire.”
Bartholomew continued his circuit of the people, and finally sat down again, beckoning his slaves closer and touching their heads tenderly.
With a deep breath Jonah focused on what he most wanted, and his mind was filled with Anya. He saw a future with her so clearly it hurt. He saw their family, their wedding, the love and pain that would lead to those things. He saw all of this before he realised what he had just shown Bartholomew, who had surely read his mind along with every other person’s here.
When Jonah opened his eyes Bartholomew was staring straight at him and shaking his head. Jonah closed his eyes and tried again, to see something different, but it was to no avail, he wanted only Anya. He had everything else he could desire. It was just her presence in his life in this context which eluded him still.
They sat like that for an hour, during which Jonah felt the confusion emanate from Anya beside him, and the worry from Alex. He was amazed that so much sensation could be rippling through him all at once. It was the strangest experience he had ever had.
At the end of the hour, he stood, and wracked with confusion and worry for what the future of his desires held, he left without saying goodbye to anyone, ashamed of what he had exposed.
***
Alex walked straight to Bartholomew after the session, having felt his call, and stopped about a metre away while he spoke with Alice. When Bartholomew called Alex closer, he had a concerned expression on his face.
“Do you know how badly Jonah MacPherson desires your slave?” he asked, not wasting time with small talk.
Alex shook his head. “I know there is chemistry between them, but I didn’t see anything to worry about.”
“Open your eyes, Alex. That man sees his entire future, a monogamous one, with Anya. I saw it in his thoughts. He loves her.”
Alex flinched at his words. “And does Anya feel the same?” His voice sounded dead to himself.
Bartholomew nodded. “She does have extremely strong feelings for him, but she doesn’t know the extent of them as yet. I sense she is in denial. She is deeply unhappy in her relationship with you, though, and feels that this business and The Realm take precedence over her. She knows she has the responsibility of being grateful to you because of her past, but she wonders if perhaps her debt is paid. I don’t think you can fix what has broken in her, not this time, my friend…” Bartholomew placed a hand on his shoulder. “Just prepare yourself, Alex. She may be entering a phase of difficult decisions in her life, and you might lose her.”
Alex felt as though he limped away from the conversation when he walked back to Anya. He pulled her into an embrace and stood holding her. When she raised a questioning eyebrow at him, Alex kissed her.
“You know how much you mean to me, don’t you?”
She nodded. “I do, I am sorry I’ve been distant and obstinate, I just have a lot on my mind.”
He pulled her close again. “Whatever it is, we will work it out, okay? One way or another.”
Part Three
Chapter 10
The weeks following the meditation session were tumultuous for Anya and Alex. Between her building resentment of the twenty-four seven power exchange between them, and Alex’s growing fear of the distance in her eyes, they were on a downhill path toward a crash.
The club issues had been resolved, with only a minor loss of a few days; not as serious as Alex had been worried about. Keeping the accident out of the news and avoiding an enormous scandal, as well as dealing with Anya’s issues, had left Alex exhausted.
***
It took Anya many hours of deep thought and careful examination of her feelings to come to the decision that would make or break her life. She hid in her office, masking her isolation with the guise of work. Fewer patients passed through her door during those weeks due to her need for space, and yet she couldn’t face going home at night.
When she finally took a deep breath to plunge into either bliss or oblivion, it was with fear and trepidation that she went to her home, perhaps for the last time. She sat in her car for a long while before going inside, silently bidding everything familiar farewell.
***
Anya sat in her office waiting for Alex to come home from work; he had been at the club again. It was four in the morning and she felt raw. In front of her desk, the suitcases were neatly stacked with her collar on top of them. She still had no idea if she was doing the right thing, and she cried quietly as she thought of what she was potentially throwing away. She doubted she could be friends with Alex after all they’d shared, but her heart broke with the knowledge that she was going to hurt him deeply today, after all he had done for her.
She picked up the envelope containing the letter she’d written last night, while he was out. She walked into the main bedroom, the room they had shared for years now, and placed it on his pillow. It was long, and a more in depth explanation than she would be able to give him to his face. She knew he would read it because he was not one to react in anger. She also had a suspicion he knew this may be coming after her withdrawn nature over the past few weeks.
Anya walked back into her office and sat down. The knowledge of how strong her feelings for Jonah were had hit her the first time she had heard about him playing with Alice so long ago. It had hurt a little more every time she saw them, or heard of them, thereafter. She tried not to think about the kiss she had shared with him. It had been an experience she would never forget until the day she died.
She had slowly become lost in the misery of how badly she wanted him to be with her, and knowing she could not have both Alex and Jonah. Jonah was wholeheartedly monogamous and unwilling to change, so she had to take this step, cause and endure the pain she was about to walk into, all to risk perhaps still not having Jonah after all. How could she know, with certainty, if he felt the same? He was with Alice now, wasn’t he? And what he had said that night after they’d kissed — he could be have been lying or caught up in the moment.
Anya had not seen or heard from him in a while, having immersed herself in her work during this period of inner warfare. Anya had succeeded in avoiding the club for several weeks now, using her patients as an excuse.
***
When Alex entered the room later, while looking for her, he found her collapsed with her head in her arms on her desk, fast asleep. He looked at the suitcases and the collar so neatly placed on top, and felt his heart tear apart.
He scrawled a note and left it beside her, saying, ‘I’m in the living room when you are ready.’ Then he left, taking the collar with him as he fell onto his sofa. His gut had told him this was coming, and he had held out on confronting Anya about her behaviour, seeing how she wrestled with the feelings she had for Jonah and her doubts about her relationship.
Alex had sensed her reluctance to be around Jonah after the first kiss they’d shared. The ch
emistry between them had been incredible from the first meeting, hadn’t it? Alice had told him in detail, when she came crying to him about her relationship with Jonah not succeeding. Alex fondled the collar, the leather worn and soft in his hands, and remembered the day he had given it to her.
It was not his intention to show emotion today, and he wiped miserably at his eyes, sharply looking up when he heard movement in the doorway.
Anya stood there with her head hanging, hair tangled and unkempt, dressed in faded jeans and a stripy sweater. “I’m sorry.”
They were the first and only words out of her mouth before she knelt down in front of him and laid her head on his legs. She held onto the knees of his pants and started crying.
Alex put a hand on her shaking head. “It’s okay love. I know this hurts both of us, trust me, but you know your own heart and mind, and need to do what you feel is right.”
Anya raised her face to him, her eyes molten, red rimmed and filed with tears. “I don’t know what’s right, but I can’t keep being like this, only half present. It’s not fair to either of us.”
“I agree,” he said, stroking her hair. “Do you have a place to stay?”
Her face was incredulous as she spoke. “I am hurting you, leaving, and instead of being mean or petty your first concern is that I have a place to stay? Oh my God! Can you not be so perfect for once?” She sobbed even harder than before.
Alex was working very hard to maintain his own composure at this point, and cleared his throat. “You don’t need my anger or resentment, Anya, even if you feel you deserve that reaction. You are hurting just as badly. I will lick my wounds in private, so I am going to call you a cab and then we are going to part ways. We might not see each other for a while, but I care for you, and if you need help, you come and tell me, okay?” He lifted her face, made sure she acknowledged him, and then tenderly kissed her forehead.
