His words cut her sharper than a knife. He made her fears sound shallow and stupid. “I think—” she swallowed hard, on the verge of tears, “—I think you should leave.”
Sighing, he dropped his hand and walked to the door. “Think about it.” Then he was gone. When she heard the front door closing behind him, she sank down onto the bed, stared at the red votive candle on the bedside table for a moment, then buried her hands in her face and cried.
Chapter Eight
Esther’s eyes felt gritty and her energy level was nil. She hadn’t slept much the past two nights. The phone rang and she waited, allowing the machine to pick up the call as she’d done with every other one the past few days. Rhiannon’s voice came over the line. “Esther, are you there? Pick up the phone. I’m worried about you.” Silence and then, “Call me.” The line went dead.
Sighing, she rubbed her eyes. This wasn’t Rhiannon’s first call and wouldn’t be her last. Maggie had also called several times. She knew her friends were worried about her, knew they’d turn up on her doorstep eventually if she didn’t call them back. But right now, that didn’t matter. Nothing seemed to matter.
She’d done everything she could think of the past two days to shake her dark and dismal mood, but nothing could dispel the sadness and emptiness inside her. When she closed her eyes, she relived Halloween night over and over. The press of their bodies, the feel of his mouth on hers, the ecstasy that had enveloped her as Ryan thrust into her, taking her to heights she’d never experienced before.
She also couldn’t get the memory of his face when he was leaving out of her mind. He’d seemed sad, frustrated and disappointed. It was the disappointment that she’d glimpsed in his eyes that had hit her the hardest. What did he have to be disappointed about? She hadn’t promised him anything. Or maybe she had. She’d made love to him, knowing full well what he thought and felt.
Several times over the past few days, she’d picked up the phone to call Rhiannon and Maggie, needing to talk to someone about what had happened. Twice she’d even dialed their numbers. But when it came down to it, she hung up before the call went through. She couldn’t talk to either of them about what had happened with Ryan. Not yet. She was too raw and the situation was too surreal.
Besides which, Rhiannon was having her own man troubles with Ryland Stone. Esther knew Ryland and thought he was a great guy, but she couldn’t believe how quickly things had heated up between him and Rhiannon. Not that she could talk. The thing with her and Ryan had come to a head quickly. Maybe the candle magick had worked.
Then there was Maggie. She’d sounded so sad and distracted on the phone the last time they’d talked—which was about a week ago now that she thought about it—Esther hadn’t had the heart to burden her.
Still, she had to talk to someone and the only person she knew who might remotely understand what she was feeling was her mother. She had to leave for work soon, but felt such a compelling need to talk to her mother that she gave in and dialed the number.
She sipped her tea while she waited for the phone to start ringing. The liquid was tepid, having gone cold while she’d been stewing about the situation with Ryan. Making a face at it, she placed the mug back on the table.
The phone was picked up and the familiar voice came over the other end. Esther took a deep breath. “Mom, do you have a minute?”
“Of course I have time, honey.” Her mother sounded surprised but pleased to hear from her. Then she paused. “What’s wrong?”
Esther closed her eyes as a feeling of comfort filled her. Her mom always knew when one of her kids was upset about something. The fact that her daughter was living hundreds of miles away and was a grown woman hadn’t diluted those instincts one tiny bit.
The caring and concern she felt from her mother loosened something deep inside her. Just like that, it all came flooding out of her. “I met someone.” The words poured freely as she told her mother everything. Well, not quite everything. She left out the steamy interlude on the beach and afterwards at home, but she shared everything else, including her growing suspicion that they might be connected to the ill-fated Esther and James. She couldn’t quite bring herself to admit that she was truly beginning to believe that they were the reincarnation of the tragic couple.
Her mother listened carefully and, as usual, cut right to the bottom line. “How do you feel about him? Do you love him?”
Esther placed her hand on her stomach. It had been upset for several days now, churning every time she thought about the situation with Ryan. She hadn’t been able to eat at all, her appetite non-existent.
Did she love Ryan?
That was a question she’d rolled over and over in her mind the past few days. She’d missed him terribly, which bothered her greatly. She was used to being alone and didn’t mind it at all. Sure, she had friends, but she enjoyed her solitude as well.
But not these past few days. Instead, she’d felt as though something, or rather someone, was missing.
“Yes. No. Maybe.” She sighed, hating the confusing emotions roiling around inside her. A dull ache was building in the back of her skull, signaling the onset of a tension headache.
And that wasn’t the only place that hurt. Even days later, she still felt the impact of making love to Ryan. Yes, the original aches had faded, but she was more aware of her body now. And for the past few nights her body had been filled with a yearning that only Ryan could satisfy. But she’d sent him away.
Her mother was still waiting patiently on the other end of the line. “I think I do, but he’s a firefighter.” There, she’d said it out loud, given voice to the one fear that paralyzed her.
“Oh, Esther.” She could hear the sadness in her mother’s voice and it shamed her. “I understand your fears, but honestly, honey, if I’d felt that way you’d never have been born.”
“How did you deal with it?” That’s what she needed to know. “How did you get through each day knowing that Dad could be killed at work?” Her fingers gripped the receiver so tight that her hand began to throb. She loosened her grip slightly and waggled her fingers to increase the flow of blood through them.
“What was the alternative?” her mother softly replied. “A life without him?” More briskly now, she continued. “Yes, your father died on the job, but he could just as easily have been killed in a car accident. For that matter, so could I or so could you.” She sighed. “I’m not saying it was easy. In fact, some days it was downright hard and scary, but it was worth it for the life we shared together. It was much better than never having shared it.”
“That’s what Ryan says.” Esther stood and walked over to the kitchen window and stared out at the beach beyond. Her eyes went to the spot where she’d danced around the flames, the spot where Ryan had made love to her for the first time. Her breasts ached and she had to bite her bottom lip to keep from moaning aloud.
“I like him already.”
Esther laughed, as she knew her mother had intended her to.
“You know,” her mother continued. “Whether or not you and Ryan had anything to do with Esther and James doesn’t really matter.”
“What do you mean?” Of course it mattered. She didn’t want to go through the pain of losing him again.
“You’re different people now. This is a different time. Maybe you have no connection to Esther and James.”
Even as her mother said it, Esther knew neither of them believed it. They both knew there was a link between Esther and Ryan and what had happened all those centuries ago.
“Only the past is set in stone, Esther. The future is yours to decide. It belongs to you and Ryan, and whatever you decide to do with it. It’s your choice.”
Her mother’s words resonated inside her. “How did you get to be so wise?”
Her mother gave a wry laugh. “Not so wise. Just a woman who has lived a few years longer than you have.”
There was so much more she wanted to ask her mother, but there was no time. “Listen, Mom, I’ve g
ot to go or I’ll be late for work.”
“Okay. You take care. I love you.”
“Love you too.” Esther said her goodbyes and hung up her phone before grabbing her purse and heading out the door. She liked to get to work a half hour early to get a feel for what was going on before she took over. She still hadn’t decided anything, but talking to her mother had made her feel better, even if she was still as confused as ever. She needed time to think.
Esther strolled up the walkway of the familiar brick building that housed the police station as well as the dispatch center and the administrative offices for the fire department. The heavy ivy that covered a portion of the front of the building and one side was bare, the leaves long having fallen away leaving a tangle of vines.
Jed Bearson was heading out at a fast clip as she reached for the door. He pushed his way through, but held it for her. “Hey, Esther.”
“Hi, Jed.” Seeing the good-looking deputy reminded her of Maggie. Esther made a mental note to call her friend to see how she was doing. It had been too long since they’d last talked.
“Gotta run.” The radio in his hand crackled as he bounded down the steps and hurried to his squad car. She watched as he pulled out of the lot, lights flashing and sirens blaring.
The familiar pale green walls met her when as she strode into the dispatch area. She sensed immediately that something was up. There was a palpable tension in the air. Burt had been in such a hurry when he’d left. Esther hoped it was nothing too serious. Although whenever any of her officers went out on call it was serious as far as she was concerned. They faced a lot of danger even on routine calls.
Carrie Franklin was glued to her monitor as she called the Burnt Cove Fire Department, giving them the location of a fire. Esther’s stomach jumped as she hurried over. “What’s going on?”
“Big fire over at the old mill. That building’s been a fire waiting to happen for years and today is finally the day. They should have torn that thing down years ago.” Her co-worker paused her explanation to handle another call, continuing when she was finished. “Police and Fire have already been dispatched.”
Esther’s tension went up several notches, but she took a deep breath to calm herself. This was just a normal call. The fire department would respond and they would get the blaze under control in no time. At least the mill was empty.
She took several deep breaths to relax herself, but it didn’t help. Stowing her purse and heavy cardigan, she listened to the radio as Carrie received more information and sent more instructions over the lines. On edge, Esther strode to the break room, filled the kettle and set it to boil.
She didn’t even know for certain that Ryan was working today. Goose bumps raced over her body and she shuddered. Closing her eyes, she wrapped her arms around herself, rubbing her hands over her shoulders and upper arms, but it didn’t help. She still felt a cold dread building deep inside her.
In her heart, Esther knew he was working, knew he was facing the deadly blaze while she stood here waiting for the kettle to boil so she could make tea. As if on cue, the water started to bubble.
The mill was constructed totally of wood and had been abandoned for years. Kids routinely broke out what few panes of glass were left in the windows and sprayed graffiti on the walls. The place was filled with junk and there were still a few piles of sawdust at the back as well. Add all those things to the fact that they’d had a dry summer, and the thing would go up like a tinderbox.
The town fathers had been trying to get the former mill owners to demolish the place and clean up the site for a while now, and there had even been talk of having town workers tear it down and sending the bill to the owners. Looks like they wouldn’t have to bother now. The place would be totaled.
Opening her eyes, she quickly tossed a tea bag into her mug and filled it with boiling water. She picked it up and hurried back into the other room.
She settled into her chair in front of the second console and tried to get her thoughts wrapped around her work. Since Carrie was already handling the fire, it would be up to her to deal with any other calls that came in.
She gazed blindly at the screen in front of her, but all she could see was Ryan. His golden-brown eyes stared back at her, their expression filled with love and longing. His strong, blunt features changed slightly, as if another face was imposed upon it. James. She knew that they were very similar, but there were slight differences.
For one thing, Ryan was quite a few years older than James had been when he died. Ryan was taller and stronger, too, due to years of physical training and a much better diet. Yet the similarities were unmistakable. Both men were honorable and kind and strong of character. And both of them loved her.
Oh, God, she thought. This is it. Just like before, he’ll die and there will be nothing I can do to stop it.
She forced herself to breathe slowly, trying to dispel the panic welling within her. In and out. In and out. Her heart was pounding so hard her chest hurt, but gradually it slowed back down to something resembling normal.
They might be the reincarnation of James and Esther, but they weren’t them. Her mother was right. Their lives were different, their experiences were different and they were different. Only the past was set in stone. The future was whatever they chose to make of it.
All her fears about having a relationship with Ryan suddenly seemed ridiculous. No matter what she said or did, it didn’t change how she felt.
A wave of relief crashed over her, washing away all her doubts. The barrier around her heart was smashed to bits and love rushed in to fill the space. Yes, she still had fears, but in the light of everything else they seemed inconsequential when compared to what was at stake.
And if Ryan Jamieson died in this fire, her heart would break. But unlike her ancestor, she wouldn’t have the years of memories with her love to comfort her.
That’s what she conveniently blocked out each time she read and reread Esther’s journal. She’d ignored all the wonderful memories the other woman had written down, ignored the obvious love and joy the couple had shared together and focused only on the pain.
In that moment, she knew if God and Ryan would give her another chance, she’d grab it with both hands and hold on tight. Yes, she was still scared out of her mind he might be injured at work, and she certainly knew it would play havoc with her nerves in the years to come, but she would deal with her fears. She was strong enough to handle the uncertainty and the dangers. It was still a small price to pay for the chance to share a love so deep it had crossed time and distance to find her.
Unable to keep her mind on her own work, Esther pulled her chair up next to Carrie’s, paying rapt attention to all the incoming and outgoing calls, checking her logs. She needed to know what was going on. But most of all she prayed.
Another call came in, asking for more engines to be dispatched. Carrie sent out the call, and within minutes more sirens could be heard in the distance. Esther’s nails bit into her palm as she clenched her hands tight in her lap. All her attention was focused on the radio chatter.
Ten minutes passed and the extra firefighters and equipment were on the scene fighting the blaze. She was thankful that the building had been abandoned and they didn’t need to worry about rescue, only the fire. Esther glanced at her watch, noting she still had five minutes until her shift officially started. Her tea, left untouched, had gone cold once again, so she decided to go and make herself another cup.
She scooted her chair back, grabbed her mug and headed to the break room. She felt calmer, more certain about the outcome. It would take them some time, but they would get the fire under control. They wouldn’t take any unnecessary chances. The building was old and was surely going to burn to the ground. The fire crews would be more concerned with containing the blaze and then extinguishing it, knowing it would burn itself out eventually.
For the first time in days, Esther’s stomach settled down, the queasiness subsiding. She couldn’t wait to finish her shift and g
o in search of Ryan. They definitely needed to talk.
Carrie was dispatching an ambulance when she returned from the break room with her cup of tea in hand. “What happened?”
“Someone reported they’d seen kids playing inside. Firefighters got them all out okay, but one of the rescuers was injured.”
Esther’s skin went clammy and she just managed to put her cup down before it slipped from her nerveless fingers. This was what she feared, what she had nightmares about. Even though deep in her gut she already knew, she had to ask. “Who?” she croaked.
“The new guy. Ryan Jamieson. He got caught by a falling beam just as he handed out the last of the kids.”
A picture flashed before her, a memory—a wooden timber breaking away and falling on James, crushing him to the ground, burning his flesh. The room spun and Esther grabbed the desk to keep from falling. This couldn’t be happening.
“Are you okay?” She heard Carrie’s concern, but her voice sounded very far away. Next thing she knew she’d been pushed into a chair and her head was between her legs as her friend ordered her to breathe.
She had to get a grip on herself. She had to go to Ryan. Sitting back, she stared into her friend’s worried face. “Can you cover my shift or stay until they can get a replacement in? I have to go.”
“Sure. You don’t look too well. Maybe you should just lie down in the break room until I can get one of the patrol officers to take you home.”
Esther was already on her feet and grabbing her purse. “I’ve got to go to the hospital.”
Carrie’s eyes widened. Everyone knew her rule about not dating firefighters. It was almost legendary how she politely refused them all. “You and Ryan?”
Esther nodded, no longer willing to deny her feelings for him. “Me and Ryan.”
“You go on, but drive carefully. You won’t do either of you any good if you get killed in a car wreck on the way to the hospital.” Another call came in and Carrie waved her away as she went back to work.
Love in Flames: Spells, Secrets and Seductions, Book 3 Page 9
