by Chris Flynn
My mind was racing at what he was saying, sure I’d a couple of weeks spare until my new bank account got sorted out and the fact that the idea of doing his retreat thing scared me a wee bit made me think I should do it. He was a good lad our Tony and quite diplomatic too, he knew I must of been in trouble back home sure he probably put two and two together but he kept his mouth shut and didn’t preach or nothing, just said I should try the meditation thing and see if it did me any good, couldn’t do any harm and if I didn’t like it sure I could leave any time I wanted.
What sort of people go on it then, I says, are they all fucked up, sure you wouldn’t believe some of the stories, he goes, you get to talk at the end and find it all out the worst part of it is the women though.
How so, I says, well they’re gorgeous so they are, he goes, and there’s loads of them right there in front of ye but you can’t talk to them, you shouldn’t even be looking at them but it’s hard and you’re not supposed to touch yourself either so you can imagine.
Fuck me, I says, it sounds like being a monk for a fortnight, it is, he goes, sure the one down the coast is in a monastery right on the edge of the jungle, pack your robes if you’re going.
Well I wouldn’t mind trying it to be honest with you Tony, I goes, but I don’t have any robes or nothing, sure where do you buy them?
I’m only messing ye, he says, just go the way you are, the monks wear the robes not you, dunderhead.
The aul cocktails fairly flowed after that sure Tony had an expense account and everything, he was putting it all on the bill of his company back home and it wasn’t long before the two of us were spackered. He was great craic, so he was. Him and me near drunk the bar dry and fell about in the pool and chatted up the ladies, a good aul blowout was just what I needed after seeing off the Frenchman.
He had hollow legs on him too our Tony, sure he was still staggering by the end of the night and had to carry me back to the room. I was slurring my words trying to tell him he was brilliant and if I’d been a knob jockey sure he’d be the man for me right enough and the accountancy wasn’t boring at all and if anyone said any different he should let me know and I’d burst them. The last thing I’member was collapsing onto the bed, CDs flying all over the place, thinking what a laugh I was going to try my hand at being a monk.
Tony was taking a slash in the bathroom and I gulders at him, hey Obi Wan Kenobi, show us your lightsaber. He laughed and shouted something back but sure I didn’t hear it I was already curled up in the crisp sheets, halfway to nirvana.
11
It was weird checking into a monastery so it was, a bit like a hotel only there’s no room service no cable TV not even a bed actually. I had a cell sort of thing, a square made out of stone with an aul door hanging off the hinges, totally featureless inside except for a slab of concrete with a wooden board stuck to it sure that was the bed hard as fuck and the pillow was even more of a laugh, a wee block of wood like a brick with a bevel cut out of it. The only way to get any sleep at all was to lie flat on your back and work your neck into the dip in the block. I would of complained to the management only I’d signed an agreement on the way in to say I’d keep my mouth shut for the next ten days and my sign language wasn’t up to scratch.
This tough-looking monk signed me up, his face and his neck was all scarred down one side. I wondered what had happened to him and sure it was only much later I found out a big fucking monkey had clawed the face off of him. Apparently it was well pissed off about something, gone loco on the rampage foaming at the mouth and had come down into the local village, everyone was dead scared. It was going spastic, it tried to grab a wean but this fella wrestled it to the ground only not before it had give him an aul beating. I was dead impressed when I heard that, sure monkeys are strong bastards, I wouldn’t like to fight one anyway.
So the deal was once you were signed in and paid up you were given a cell of your own in this block of about fifty. It was all fellas but there was another one across the way for women. All you had to do was keep your cell clean and sign up for a chore you had to do every day, most of them were already gone the good ones anyway like cleaning the bogs and emptying the scorpion bucket, so I chose the one no cunt wanted which was to give a reading from their Bible the Tripitaka halfway through the week in front of everyone. I didn’t mind that, it’s funny how people would rather clean up shite than talk in public. I’m not bothered by that at all though I laughed when I read that was one of the jobs. Because I was just signing up I could still talk to the monkey monk, he spoke English and everything. Tripitaka, I says, is that not your man from that TV show Monkey Magic. He just gave me a look, sorry, I says, no insult intended it’s a stupid aul show anyway.
The rest of the day was quiet, nothing to do really but walk around nodding at people ‘cos you couldn’t say fuck all. They gave you a schedule of what to expect, I didn’t like the look of it to be honest. The bells would ring at four in the morning and you had to get up and stagger down to this open-air hall next to a lake to listen to the morning prayer or something and then do some aul yoga whilst the sun came up. Then you’d have breakfast and then back to the hall to listen to some lecture and meditate guided by the monks.
This went on till about lunchtime then you’d eat again and do walking meditation basically that was having a wander and thinking about stuff then one final talk and that was it the rest of the day was your own to do your chores or whatever. There was no eating after lunchtime that didn’t sound good but you could go to this hot springs in the evening it was good for your aul legs apparently as they’d be crossed all day and if you weren’t used to that it’d be dead sore. Separate baths for the men and the women of course then a wee nighttime lecture and off to bed about nine o’clock.
It sounded like school to me except there was no football or beating people up or snorting whizz behind the bike sheds. Sure I knew fuck all about the Buddhism but I thought why not I’ll give it a try sure I’ll probably fall asleep getting up at four in the fucking morning. There’s a fifty-per-cent drop-out rate yer man says when I signed up, if you don’t want to be here or can’t follow the rules then it’s okay, he goes, just leave don’t disturb the others though some people are very into it. Aye no bother, I was thinking, sure it’ll be nice having a bit of peace and quiet for a change though ten days doesn’t sound hard. I couldn’t figure out why people would leave maybe they’re so used to talking the silence drives them mad or something.
The grounds of the monastery were quite big and wild it was sort of half in the jungle, there was all kinds of plants and bugs and stuff that I’d never seen before and I was careful not to touch nothing in case I got stung or bit. The monkey monk told me to watch out for snakes they’re really bad, he says, cobras especially if one gets in your room run out but don’t hurt it, aye right, I was thinking, a fucking cobra sure you’ll not see me for dust, worse than the snakes though are the scorpions, he says, don’t step on one they’re so venomous they kill the cobras. Holy fuck, I thought, isn’t it someone’s job to empty the scorpion bucket what’s that all about, I says to him, we trap them in there at night and release them into the jungle the next day, he says. The Buddhists don’t believe in killing nothing not even bugs sure you had to be careful not to step on the ants or swat the mosquitoes, going a bit far I reckoned but he says that might be you in the next life. Right enough, I thought, I’m getting demoted that’s for fucking sure. Worst of all, he goes, are the centipedes they’re so poisonous they kill the scorpions don’t let one get on you. Jesus fuck could they not of built their monastery somewhere where all these creepy crawlies didn’t live, I was thinking, when he said there was a fifty-per-cent drop-out rate maybe that was because everyone died or got eaten. What eats the centipedes, I says, we do, he goes, that’s what you have for breakfast. He must of seen the look on my face ‘cos he burst out laughing then, just a joke, he says, though they might be nice fried.
I quite liked the monkey monk, he spoke well so he did and
he was a good laugh, he gave a couple of the talks. I liked his the best ‘cos he was hard as fucking nails. I seen him one morning out on the edge of the jungle with his shirt off practising his kung-fu or whatever, fuck me you would not of messed with the cunt he was ripped so he was and had scars all down his side where the monkey had torn him up. He could of taken on twenty men at once like in them martial arts movies he’d fucking kill ye with one punch, I knew a bit of the muaythai and all but he’d knock my bollocks in no doubt about it.
Tony Baird was right about the women. Sure there was fifty of them from all round the world by the looks of it, fucking gorgeous the lot of them too, when they lined up in the food hall to get their rice all the fellas were staring at them with their gobs hanging open. The funny thing was most of the women ignored the lads and sat looking out at the jungle when they were eating whereas the fellas did the opposite and sat looking at the women. The monks had made it quite clear though any fucking around and trying it on with the females and you’d be out on your ear, maybe chucked in the scorpion pit or something beforehand just for good measure.
The main fun for me at the start was trying to guess where everyone was from just by looking at them. There was this dead stern young lad who always wore black T-shirts and shorts and wee square glasses, he looked German to me though he gave me the nod so maybe he thought I was one of his lot, then there was this aul fella about fifty or something in the cell next to mine I thought maybe he was from Eastern Europe, he looked uncomfortable but soldiering on. He waved me over that first night he was pointing at something on the wooden shutter of his window it was a big fuck-off wasp sort of thing with giant wings and a big stinger coming out its arse like a fucking pterodactyl or something so it was, I near swore out loud but just mouthed fuck me instead, he got my meaning all right, have we got a bucket for them I was thinking.
The first night was murder sure but what could you expect it was dead hot in the cell I lay naked on my back on the aul wooden board trying to sleep with my head wedged into their excuse for a pillow, fuck me it was like being tortured or something, you couldn’t turn over on your side or nothing ‘cos that was too sore. I only slept in fits and starts but at least I got some kip unlike most of the others by the looks of them the next morning. These aul bells started ringing not like church bells back home but more of a low donging sound, quite nice if it wasn’t waking ye up at four in the fucking morning sure that’s the middle of the night. Anyway I got up I was already awake threw some clothes on and wandered out, there was only about half the fellas up the rest must of been dead to the world, it was like the zombie apocalypse or something seeing everyone drag their heels down to the temple.
Everyone took a spot, we were all in rows the men on one side of the hall the women on the other, there was more of them than there was of us now probably about thirty people missing altogether out of the hundred, half of them staggered in a while later but we must of lost fifteen people already that first morning fucking soft cunts get out of your bed there should of been a job kicking people out of their bunks, sure I’d of volunteered for that I’d of made a good sergeant major so I would.
I watched what the others were doing ‘cos some of them seemed to know the score, basically you had to sit on the ground with your legs crossed and your back straight your hands resting on your knees, it was all right I didn’t mind it sure I was in good shape and all but after an hour my knees and my arse were sore and I had to keep changing sides and stretching my legs out in front of me. Some monk was chanting up the front, it was a bit weird at first but after a while the tones of it relaxed me though I was dying to try it out myself and see if I could make them noises. I noticed pretty much everybody had their eyes closed, a few were nodding off but most seemed to be just concentrating on your man’s umming and ahhing up the front. I tried it but when I closed my eyes my mind was buzzing full of stuff I’d done recently going over it and ‘membering what I said only saying it better you know the way you do.
I was glad when it ended, I was nodding off too sure I was knackered from not getting much sleep. The sun was just coming up over the horizon, it was dead good seeing the sky turn from black to purple and then red and orange. We had a yoga class then but the teacher wasn’t a monk he was one of us that must of been his chore for the week to teach the yoga, it meant he had to speak to explain what he was doing he was American but he says he wanted to speak less every morning as we learned the routine and eventually do the whole thing in silence, aye good luck with that, I was thinking. It went on for an hour and I didn’t think I’d be able to ‘member all the moves but he was right sure enough by about day four I had it down and so did all the other lads and he was able to shut his gob. Some of the moves were hard even though I was fit as fuck sure I couldn’t do them, stretching dead far till you thought your tendons would snap I was sweating so I was. I always thought the yoga was a load of aul hippy shite, no one told me it was a workout. After a couple of days I was dead into it though and practising in my cell sure I could near get my legs behind my head flexible as fuck it turns out, who knew sure I could always find work as a stripper if nothing else worked out.
I was never so happy to get breakfast in me sure I was starving, it was just vegetables and rice but it tasted lovely so it did all washed down with soy milk served to ye out of a big vat, it tasted funny but I got used to that too and by the end I loved the stuff they sell it in the 7-Eleven in Bangkok in wee Coke bottles, I was addicted.
There was a big tall monk living there who wasn’t Thai at all he was English though he’d been there for donkeys he gave the first lecture all about the Buddhism, it was quite interesting so it was and he was pretty funny the Buddhists seemed to like having a laugh not like the other religions sure it’s all fire and brimstone and you’re going to Hell for being a cunt, step out of line and you’ll get a red-hot poker up your arse. The Buddhists were different, they just had this sort of aye whatever attitude don’t worry about the future or the past sure where are you right now. I liked that so I did sure that was more like how I’d been living anyway not knowing where I was going in life and not worrying about it too much, it was the big unknown for me sure I didn’t have a clue. The past was my problem but your man talked about that too it was a bit of a worry for me given all I’d done but sure everybody’s got things they want to forget, just ‘cos mine are a bit fucked up it doesn’t make me special or nothing.
Anyway he says doing the meditation was all about focusing your mind on the present and every time you start to imagine what you’re going to do next week or what you’re going to say to who just snap out of it and come back to the moment, the same if you’re dwelling on the past sure that’s behind ye and there’s fuck all you can do about it so why do your head in worrying about it. Up until lunchtime we all tried it that’s when I saw my head was like a non-stop party people running around shouting and screaming music playing and bits of films I’d seen stuff people said to me and girls sweat dripping off of their tits it was fucking mayhem so it was pure chaos like no sense to it at all and amongst it was all the bad stuff wee snippets that jumped to the foreground now and then of me knocking the fuck out of some Catholic lad tied to a chair or someone falling in a crowd after getting hit in the head by a brick I’d chucked or the sound of a drill bit going through some poor cunt’s kneecap and worst of all I mean scary as fuck puts all the rest to shame was the face of our Mark lying on the cobblestones.
I had to snap out of it and lie back on the ground for a bit. I was soaked with sweat and my heart was pounding in my chest, holy fuck I was thinking this is wild worse than any drug I don’t know if I’m going to make it through this no wonder half the people drop out. I calmed myself down thinking come on Billy I mean Will sure you’re a hard cunt you can take it. I knew that was true at least. I looked around from where I was lying and there must of been about ten people sobbing fucking hardcore the Buddhism I was thinking this enlightenment stuff better be worth it.
1
2
The aul walking meditation was the hardest for me sure I just couldn’t concentrate you were supposed to pick a wee strip of grass and pace back and forth dead slow and I mean like you’re walking in slow motion or something, fuck me I was thinking if anyone could see the lot of us ninety-odd people with one foot in the air they’d think it was the ministry of funny walks or something. I tried it again and again but it just struck me as dumb so I gave up and went for a wander instead, the monk said you could do that if you weren’t into it there was plenty to see and gawk at so just dander around observing sort of thing looking at all the wee details the bounty of nature or whatever.
I quite liked doing that actually though I couldn’t do the meditation at the same time, I had to be sitting down concentrating for that but it was good stretching the aul sore knees. There was all sorts of bugs and creepy crawlies to look at I didn’t know what half of them were, flying things and worms with funny colours on their backs and an orange spider inside this aul log waiting for his lunch to come along, the place was alive so it was but my favourite was the ants I could watch them all day. I followed their trail sure it was about a mile long they must of had some serious business to attend to, there was a million of the wee cunts going along in a line some of them were carrying wee bits of leaves the hard workers obviously, I don’t know what the rest were up to going to or from their work I suppose. Fuck they’re amazing so they are in a world of their own they don’t give a fuck about us humans and our aul problems, they’ve got attitude too this big red one crawled past me I was sitting on the ground watching them and he must of seen me or something, the wee bastard stops and looks right up at me as if to say what the fuck do you want fuck off out of here or I’ll bite ye. I’m about a thousand times his size or something, I could crush him no bother and he still comes at me all threatening like did you not hear me get to fuck. I jumped up thinking, aye all right pal take it easy I’m going now. I had to sit somewhere else and hope he didn’t come back, the wee fucker set of balls on him like.
