by Chris Flynn
Anyway I had to go up the front and read it out, I was a wee bit nervous but not too bad even though everyone was watching me. It was dead early in the morning still dark and lots of tired-looking faces but sure they all perked up when I started talking. I hammed it up a bit, exaggerating the words and that sort of like a performance or something sure it was obvious everyone was all starved of entertainment ‘cos they started laughing dead quick at my antics. It was weird hearing my voice and I suppose some were thinking fuck me he’s from Belfast and others were probably thinking what sort of fucking stupid accent is that like but at least I was talking proper ‘cos I was reading something out and not just speaking like I normally do a mile a minute and catch yourself on and away and fuck you’re a head-the-ball and all that stuff.
Those who had been shown the ear of the elephant replied, the elephant your majesty is just like a winnowing basket, I says, now that’s not even funny or nothing but sure they were cracking up maybe it was the way I said it, you can never tell with an Irish accent this one time a Welsh girl went gaga over me saying washing-up liquid, what’s that all about? Anyway I had the crowd in the palm of my hand and I felt like Dave Allen or someone telling dirty jokes down the comedy club, maybe they were just relieved to hear one of their own talking.
Bit of light relief did the atmosphere a world of good and when I sat back down half the place was staring at me with goofy grins on their faces and the rest of the day I was a minor celebrity people patting me on the back and giving me the nod. The best part was all the women looking at me like he’s brilliant so he is I wouldn’t mind getting into his fisherman pants. Fuck me I tried not to think about it especially the redhead who was giving me sultry looks, don’t tell us she fancies me I was thinking sure if we get together after this it’ll be like a thermonuclear explosion.
It was a good day though, not a single person there wished me any ill will they were all looking friendly at me and smiling, a bit strange for a Prod from the Shankill Road when you’re used to everyone hating your guts and wanting to take a baseball bat with a nail in it to your knees. I went to bed quite happy that night thinking this is all right maybe I can get through this sure I’m halfway there and quite enjoying it, there’s something to be said for the aul Buddhism.
14
Weird stuff started to happen when I was doing the aul meditation. Like yer man said I just concentrated on my breathing going in a circle and didn’t think about the past no more all that noise and chaos in my head was fading away into the background it was getting quiet in there and I started seeing this vision sort of thing, I don’t know how to describe it. It was like a wee gentle dream only I was awake maybe in a trance or something I don’t know anyway here’s the thing, in it I was floating in the ocean but the waves were dead calm and all was quiet, I wasn’t worried about nothing just floating there with my mouth shut and not a thought in my head. The sea below was deep and dark, I couldn’t see nothing down there but I wasn’t scared it was like I knew there was sharks and giant squids and piranhas and whatever else lurking in the depths but I knew they wouldn’t bother me, I was safe so I was. Away in the distance was a beach with flat land stretching out behind it no trees or buildings or nothing just like a desert but not the Sahara or some place that would kill ye, a friendly patch of land not threatening.
That was it at first, just me hanging out in the middle of nowhere not bothered about being alone. I kept coming back to it though and every time it was a wee bit different, the waves were picking up a bit and carrying me closer to shore or there was other figures floating in the sea as well but too far away for me to see who they were or a couple of white clouds passed overhead or a wee fish came up to have a gander at me and say hello. It was weird as fuck but as the days went by I was thinking ten days wasn’t going to be long enough for me and maybe I could take a few days off after, do some talking, get it out of my system and then sign up for another ten if I could or maybe just hang out in the monastery for a while longer not become a monk or nothing I’m not that mad but you know it was obvious this place was changing me for the better, meeting yer man Tony up in Bangkok was maybe the luckiest thing ever happened to me.
The whole thing was coming to an end, those final few days were a blur and I felt like I’d been through the wringer but I’d made it out somehow. I knew it couldn’t be all over just like that, there was still the memories of my brother deep down like there’d still be plenty of stuff to come. It helped me start to understand why home was such a toxic fucking place though sure just take my case and multiply it by about a million and try and sort that out, fucking impossible like but one thing was for sure I promised myself there’d be no more aul talk about Fenians and Taigs and Catholics’ eyebrows meeting in the middle though that is kinda funny.
I decided to put all that behind me, what a load of shite anyway. I could get angry at Big Jim and them ones that made me that way full of hate and spite but there’s no point is there. I was always saying I was a good Prod but the truth of it is I’m not the religious type, I don’t really believe in the big man upstairs or anything. I mean if any of that stuff’s true sure I’m proper fucked, there’ll be a red-hot poker with my name on it down below. Fucking Beelzebub will be rubbing his hands together when he sees me coming.
It’s not like I’d seen the light and become an aul Buddhist or something, I mean they seem to have the right idea about not doing no harm to no one and not living in the past or pining after the future that’s all good stuff, common sense really. I’m not convinced about the reincarnation or any of that it’s believing in stuff you’ve no idea about that bothers me. I suppose that’s what most people call faith but I’ve no need for it really, sure I can only ever see the world through my own eyes and know my own feelings and thoughts, I don’t need to believe in a bunch of aul stories that might be true and might not, be they Christian or Muslim or Buddhist or Jedi or whatever. Aye sure the only thing I know is that I’m nothing I’m only here for a short time and it doesn’t fucking matter in the grand scheme of things, now that maybe frightens some people but not me because the flip side of it is that I’m also everything I’m plugged into the world like there’s a lead coming out my arse and going into a big socket and that’s brilliant so it is. Aye, there’s big questions to be asked who are ye and what are ye doing here and why but you’ll never know the answers and that’s the whole point really isn’t it, that’s what it is to be a human being just asking just wondering with an aul cheeky grin on your face.
The final morning I was happy and sad at the same time, it was a bittersweet sort of feeling but when I closed my eyes and tried the meditation the weirdest thing happened, there I was back in the water as usual only the sun was beaming down from the sky not boiling or nothing just warm. I was light as a feather like my weight didn’t even matter, I didn’t have to paddle to stay afloat and then my legs started to come up from underneath me and I was rising out of the sea floating on the air. I was out of the water completely like a big invisible hand was picking me up.
As I went up I could see the others still down in the water some of them waved to me and I waved back, I felt brilliant I was going higher and higher until their heads were just dots on the surface of the ocean. I could see the beach and the land beyond it wasn’t desert at all there was big grass fields and forests and mountains and rivers, it was unbelievable so it was all of nature before me and there was me flying totally light up and up towards the sun until I couldn’t feel my body no more that was it that was where it ended I opened my eyes and looked around the temple I was crying a wee bit but not out of sadness or grief but because I was free or maybe close to it.
There was something else though, something I’d glimpsed down there in the water like an aul fucking black monster lurking in the depths. I got a wee flash of an image as I was sitting there rubbing my eyes just a quick one but it was enough. A Doberman pinscher straining at its chain foam at the corner of its mouth, rain bouncing on cobblestones a
nd the silhouette of a man lit by a streetlamp, sheltering from the rain waiting.
15
The English-speaking monk made an announcement on the last night, I was surprised ‘cos he seemed almost happy or something he said this dead famous aul monk had kicked the bucket and if we wanted we could all go to the funeral, it was on this island just off the coast where he lived most of the time there’d be buses going and everything. He said it was a privilege to be offered the chance to see the aul fella off and if we weren’t doing nothing else we should seriously think about it. I didn’t fancy going to a funeral what a downer after ten days of silence and yoga, I wouldn’t of minded having a wee drink and a few laughs not going overboard or nothing just a wee reminder that although I liked the Buddhists I wasn’t one myself.
It was either that or hang round the monastery for a couple of days, they said we could if we wanted just to come down off the experience and chat amongst ourselves about what it was like, that sounded better to me but if the gorgeous redhead decided she wanted to go to the funeral then that’s where I was going too. There hadn’t been a word between us yet obviously but since we’d had our wee moment there’d been constant eye contact like we were both dying to get a hold of each other for an aul chinwag and maybe more besides. It was weird so it was flirting without saying nothing but good too, none of the usual aul nonsense. I just hoped it wouldn’t be spoiled as soon as we opened our gobs sure I was dead worried she’d be Irish, that’s all I need to fall for one of our own with some aul annoying accent from Galway or somewhere.
So the buses were waiting on the morning of the eleventh day for those who wanted to go to the funeral. It was weird hearing people’s voices and all the accents from all over the world loads of people came up to say hello to me and to thank me for doing the funny reading from the aul Tripitaka, they said it made all the difference gave them a boost halfway through the ten days and helped them over the hump. I appreciated that and it was dead good having an aul yarn with people and hugging them and whatever, they felt like good friends like I knew them really well even though we’d never even talked to each other before.
The guy with the glasses who always wore black came up to me dead serious I’d thought he was German but he was a Yank turns out he was there with his fiancée, that must of been weird, I goes, but he says they stayed away from each other. His girl was friendly she wasn’t that into the meditation and everything, she said she was only doing it for him. I asked him what the story was and he told me he’d been a medic in the army sent out with a bunch of other lads into the desert somewhere but he saw too much and he lost it eventually and had to get sent home. You’d never have thought to look at him he’d had a life like that, his girl was a soldier too he met her when he was in the hospital getting his head seen to she was there too just like him lost the plot the aul army’s not for everyone like. They were getting married in Hawaii in a couple of months, it was good talking to them and I wished them the best of luck.
My neighbour in the next cell come over to see me too the aul fella he was dead educated, Norwegian he was, name of Knut. I’d never heard a name like that before, fucking brilliant I thought. I started laughing straightaway, aye pleased to make your acquaintance Knut, I goes, give us a hug big man I know you’ve been wanting one for a while, he gave a huge laugh himself and near broke my ribs he squeezed me so hard, you give me hope when I see you, he says, what do you mean, I goes, no one ever said something like that to me before, it stopped me dead in my tracks so it did. Whenever I look at you I see strength, he says, and I know that anything is possible, fuck me you wouldn’t believe what happened I just burst into tears he grabbed me again and I put my head into his shoulder he smelled of pine of autumn, it’s all right son, he says, I know how you’re feeling we’ve all lost something or someone. I was sobbing like a wean into his neck it would of been dead embarrassing only there was a couple of other people greeting too.
It took me a few minutes to pull myself together, are you coming to the island, I says to him, he shakes his head, no I can’t I’m afraid I have to go home to my family now they’re waiting for me. I understand, I says, all the best to ye and sorry about wetting your shirt there, don’t worry about it, he goes, you take care of yourself and take care of her too. I looked at him rubbing the tears from my cheeks with my balled-up fist, he raised one eyebrow at me, you know who I’m talking about, he goes. Aye, I says, I think so.
And there she was leaning on the side of the bus with her backpack at her feet and watching me. I went over and gave her the nod. She smiled and lifted her bag up as the driver come over to open the baggage compartment and she chucked it inside and says, I’ll save you a seat.
Right, I goes, and said cheerio to Knut and the medic and his fiancée and took one last look at the monastery wondering if I’d ever come back. The redhead was waiting for me down the back of the bus, nice one, I was thinking, that’s the seats I always go for too so I can get a good look at everyone. She patted the one next to her and I started laughing. What’s so funny, she says.
Nothing, I goes, just thinking our first date’s a funeral.
Not exactly dinner and a movie, she says, she had a dead relaxed American twang not one of the aul nasal accents like I want a bay-gel and a cup of caw-fee, look I’m Lana, she says, sorry about all the staring for some reason I couldn’t keep my eyes off you, God I shouldn’t be telling you this should I wow it’s weird talking isn’t it? I’m not usually much of a chatterbox so I apologise in advance if I talk your ear off until we get there.
No problem at all, I says, I could listen to you talking all day, I’m Will by the way.
We’re going to get along just fine aren’t we, she goes.
Bet the house on it, I says, sure we might as well sign the marriage certificate right now what names do you think are good for boys?
She laughed then and her cheeks flushed but she didn’t miss a beat, ooh, she goes, I always liked Carter what’s your surname?
Fitzgerald, I says, having to think fast.
Fitzgerald, she goes, that’s good I like that, Lana Fitzgerald yeah that works.
I don’t know about Carter though, I says, Carter Fitzgerald he sounds like a film star from the forties.
Yeah, she goes, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes starring Carter Fitzgerald.
Ha ha, I says, killer tomatoes where’d you get that from.
It’s an actual movie, she says, a spoof of those B-movies from the fifties.
It is not, I goes, you’re having me on, serious, she says, I’ve seen it it’s hilarious, away and fuck, I goes, then covered my mouth with my hand, sorry I says, I swear a lot too much really I’ll try and keep it under control.
She bit her bottom lip then and gave me a look, no, she says, the way you say fuck is, well, whew is the aircon not working in here usually these buses have it turned up to the max. She waved her hand under her chin a big grin on her face.
Jesus, I goes, at this rate we’ll never make it to the island.
Tell me about it, she says, I haven’t come in ten days. It was her turn to put her hand over her mouth then, her eyes went wide, sorry did I say that out loud oh my God I can’t believe I just said that, aye, I goes, anyway how about a change of subject, holy fuck I was thinking, there’s going to be some fireworks tonight to celebrate yer man’s passing.
If you asked me what else we talked about the rest of the trip I couldn’t tell ye, the only thing I ‘member noticing is that she didn’t ask me about how it was growing up in Belfast or what I done there or why I was here it was more about what I liked and didn’t like and what I thought of things she didn’t seem interested at all in who I’d been, only how my mind worked. I suppose that was a hangover from the retreat bloody lucky really if she’d met me before we wouldn’t of got on as well as we did. My head was clear now and we were able to yarn about the universe and how the world worked and the big questions. I quite liked that sort of talk, the hours flew by everyone on the bus was
jabbering away glad to be talking again except a few people on their own trying to process the real world outside the monastery walls staring out the window watching the countryside go by.
The bus drove onto this aul rickety ferry once we got to the coast, it didn’t look very safe but we made it over to the island all right, it was only a small one just a couple of wee towns not many people living on it but quite a few had turned out for yer man’s funeral. We all piled out of the bus and grabbed something to eat at this wee stall in the market, they had Coke and everything normally I’m a Fanta man but me and Lana grabbed a couple of bottles fuck it was good stuff, I was buzzing after it just goes to show ye how being off the western food for a while makes a difference. Me and her dandered down with a couple of the others to see the funeral site. I thought it would just be an aul graveyard but yer man’s dead body was lying out on this pyre in the open air for everyone to see.
What’s this, I says, don’t tell us they’re going to set fire to him.
Lana shivered, I suppose so, she goes. I didn’t think about it but of course they’re not a Christian society they’ve got different customs and traditions surrounding death I guess, right enough, I says, this should be something to see then bit like a bonfire on the eleventh night, what’s that, she goes, what’s the eleventh night?
I shook my head, don’t worry about it sure it’s just a dumb thing the Protestants do back home, the night before the Orangemen do their marching they light big fires all over the place and burn an effigy of the Pope load of aul bollocks really just an excuse for a piss-up and a fight.
Yeah, she says, I’ve seen footage of them marching down Catholic streets on the news it’s a bit weird I mean we believe in free speech and all but I can’t see the Ku Klux Klan marching through Harlem you know?
I laughed at that, aye totally, I goes, it’s a bit like that they’re all head-the-balls back home, she liked that one, head-the-balls, she says, it means you’re stupid from heading a soccer ball too much right?
