‘You’re being really unfair. I have been known to do things for the hell of it, or the fun of it, without needing an analytical breakdown first. I’ve even been known to do things for love and—’ Abruptly I stopped speaking. I was saying too much, revealing too much.
‘All I’m saying is, be careful,’ said Mum. ‘Sooner or later one of you is going to get hurt. And I don’t want that.’
‘But you do like him?’
‘Yes, Jayna, I like him.’ She smiled and I smiled back at her. ‘So what time will you be home tonight, if that’s not being too nosy?’ asked Mum.
My grin vanished. ‘Mum, I’m coming to see you and Teegan tomorrow night and every night, but I . . . I can’t sleep here any more.’
Mum became very still. ‘And just where will you be staying? With Andrew?’
I nodded.
‘At his house?’
‘No, I only stayed there today. We have somewhere else to go from tonight. A place of our own.’
‘A place of—I see. And if I say I won’t allow it, I suppose it’ll do about as much good as forbidding you to go on holiday with Andrew.’
I didn’t answer.
‘Are you going to tell me where your new place is?’
‘Well, er . . . it’s not totally ours. What I mean is . . . we’re sharing with one of Andrew’s friends. Just until we get our own place.’ I hated lying – I was so useless at it.
‘And what are you going to use for money to pay for this place of your own?’ asked Mum. She was about as far from happy with the idea as it was possible to get.
‘Andrew is sorting all that out.’
‘Didn’t you listen to a word I just said?’ she asked, exasperated. ‘Would it do any good to tell you you’re both making a huge mistake?’
‘You said you liked him,’ I reminded her.
‘But you didn’t hear anything else I said, did you?’
‘Yes I did. Mum, please . . .’
‘So you’re giving up your home and your family to be with your boyfriend. And what happened to going to college?’ Mum said icily. ‘Are you giving that up for Andrew too?’
‘Of course not! I—’
Then I realized. I couldn’t go to college any more. We were due back in a few weeks’ time for my final A-level year. Would I now have to miss that? I wouldn’t be able to take my exams, or go on to university or get a normal job. They were all daytime activities. Ordinary daytime activities that I’d lost.
I walked over to the curtains and pulled them back. I looked up at the clear night sky, purple-blue, almost black. A dusting of silver stars twinkled down at me. The sunset must have been amazing.
Daytime activities.
‘What do Andrew’s parents think of all this?’ Mum asked from behind me.
‘I don’t know. I haven’t asked them. The same as you, I expect.’
‘Jayna, tell Andrew that you’ve changed your mind.’
‘It’s too late for that now.’ I didn’t realize I’d spoken out loud until I heard one sharp intake of breath from behind me.
‘Jayna, what’s going on?’
‘Nothing.’ I let the curtain fall back into place. ‘I have to go now. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ And I was out of the room and by the front door before she had a chance to stop me.
‘Jayna, wait.’ Teegan ran after me. ‘Are you really leaving?’
I tried to smile but failed. Teegan stood before me, blinking a lot to try and stop the tears in her eyes from falling. I hugged her to me, resting my cheek on the top of her head.
‘Just because I won’t be living here any more doesn’t mean you won’t see me. I’ll be around almost every day,’ I said quietly.
‘Then why go away?’
‘I just have to, that’s all.’
Teegan started to cry. No noise, no sniffing, just silent tears running down her cheeks. I didn’t see them; I heard them. I felt them.
Mum came out of the living room to stand in the hall. She didn’t say a word.
‘Oh, Teegan, please don’t. You’ll set me off in a minute.’ I could hardly speak for the choking lump in my throat. ‘I won’t be far away. I promise I’ll never be far away.’ I hugged her tighter.
After a few moments’ hesitation, Teegan hugged me back, squeezing me. ‘Jayna, don’t go,’ she whispered.
‘I have to,’ I said unhappily. ‘But I’ll see you tomorrow, squirt, I promise.’
‘Why are you going?’ she sniffed.
‘One day . . . maybe one day I’ll tell you.’ I sighed. ‘I’ve got to go now. See you tomorrow. Bye, Mum.’
I didn’t hang around. I couldn’t.
‘Bye, Mum,’ I said again, closing the door behind me.
I walked quickly up the street but I needn’t have worried; the front door remained closed. I was halfway up the street when the sound of Mum’s voice stopped me in my tracks.
‘Oh, Jayna . . . Jayna, I hope you know what you’re doing.’
I turned my head. There was no one behind me. Then I realized that she was still indoors. I covered my ears with my hands and started to run.
29
‘JAYNA, YOU’VE ARRIVED just in time.’ Diane beckoned me over the moment I entered the Burger Bar.
Andrew, Diane, Pete, Vijay, Ben, Caroline – they were all there. I forced a smile, waved and walked over to them, hoping I didn’t look as dejected as I felt. I passed by a baby in a pushchair on my way to my friends’ table. She was so cute, dressed in pink and with the longest eyelashes I’d ever seen on any infant. I stopped walking.
You have your whole life ahead of you, I thought. For you, anything is possible and maybe even probable. But the baby took one look at me and started howling. I hurried on, feeling the parents’ glaring eyes boring into my back.
When I reached my friends’ table, Andrew smiled at me sympathetically. He and Pete were seated on the same long bench, separated by Caroline and Ben. There was still frost between them, not surprising after their last encounter.
‘Hi, everyone. You OK, Pete?’
‘I’m fine.’ Pete’s smile was just for me. ‘I haven’t seen you in a while. I was worried. Didn’t you get my note?’
‘What note?’
‘I put a note through your door a few days ago, asking you to phone me.’
A glance at Andrew, who was studying the menu as if he’d never seen it before. ‘Sorry, Pete, but I didn’t get it.’
‘Well, you’re here now.’ Pete shrugged. ‘I’m glad you’re all right.’
I smiled and slid into the booth next to Diane. Another glance at Andrew, who still wouldn’t look at me. ‘So what’s happening?’ I asked.
‘We want you to settle an argument. We’re voting on who’s the best wind-up merchant at this table.’ Diane grinned.
‘Oh, that’s easy.’ I said. ‘Pete wins that one, hands down.’
‘I told you!’ Pete took a mock bow.
‘What are you talking about? I’m better at winding people up than Pete,’ Vijay said with indignation.
‘And I’m the best,’ said Caroline.
‘Nope. Pete beats you all. Listen to this. He told me that he didn’t stand me up on our first date – he said that he asked Andrew to give me the message that he couldn’t make it. Only Andrew decided not to pass on that message, but take me out himself instead. And do you know something? Pete actually had me believing it for a couple of microseconds.’
I creased up laughing at the memory, but my laughter died when I realized I was the only one at the table enjoying the joke. Diane was pulling all kinds of faces in my direction, Vijay was studying the decor and Ben was staring down at the table. Caroline was having a coughing fit while Pete was looking into his mineral water as if a goldfish had just appeared in it.
And Andrew’s face was a mask as he regarded Pete.
‘What’s the matter? Don’t you lot think that’s funny?’ I asked, puzzled.
I looked across at Andrew. He was still watching Pete, and Pete
straightened up to look straight back at him. It was as though there were a silent conversation flowing between them.
And I understood every word.
Pete had been telling me the truth. It hadn’t been a wind-up, after all. And everyone had known except me. God, how could I have been so slow!
‘Andrew . . .?’ I could think of nothing else to say.
‘Thanks a lot, Pete,’ Andrew said quietly. He wasn’t even going to try and deny it.
‘Listen, Andrew, I told Jayna I was just joking,’ Pete replied. ‘You’re the one who’s just admitted to her that it was true.’
‘You said you wouldn’t say anything to her at all.’ Andrew’s voice was getting quieter and quieter.
‘I only told her because it looked like you two might be splitting up.’
‘So you thought you’d make sure of it.’
‘I told her I was joking, remember?’
‘Don’t you two dare talk around me as if I’m not here,’ I said furiously.
They looked at me briefly before turning back to each other.
‘I’ll remember this, Pete,’ Andrew said softly.
Pete held out his hand and shook it in the air. ‘I’m trembling, Andrew,’ he replied with scorn.
‘Come on, you two. Can we please change the subject?’ Diane asked. ‘Pretty please!’
Pete turned back to his drink. Andrew looked at me and I looked back at him. It was the expression on his face that did it. For the first time, I was frightened. Not anxious. Not nervous. Genuinely frightened.
Of Andrew.
30
EVERYONE DID THEIR best to lighten the mood around the table, but it was no good. I didn’t feel like speaking. Neither did Andrew. Nor Pete.
After five minutes of listening to the others struggle to make bright conversation, I stood up.
‘You’re not leaving, are you?’ Diane said, dismayed.
‘Yeah, I think so. It’s time I was going.’
Andrew stood up as well. ‘It’s time we were both going,’ he amended, moving past Ben and Caroline. ‘Excuse me, Pete.’
Without a word, Pete swung his legs round to let Andrew pass. Andrew and I walked out of the Burger Bar together, but apart. We were halfway along the road before Andrew spoke.
‘Aren’t you going to talk to me?’
‘What would you like me to say?’
‘Jayna, please.’
I stopped walking and turned to him. ‘What you did is the most despicable thing I’ve ever heard. I thought you and Pete were friends.’
‘OK, I forgot about his stupid note. So what?’ Andrew frowned. ‘He dropped it round and pushed it through your letterbox when you were . . . recovering, and I put it under the phone on the table in your hall and just forgot about it.’
‘I’m not talking about his bloody note,’ I said. I knocked on his forehead, exasperated. ‘Hello? Is anyone home? I’m talking about our first date. You lied to me – and Pete. I thought you two were mates?’
‘We are . . . we were.’ Andrew spoke bitterly. ‘Until he told you what really happened.’
I couldn’t believe his attitude. ‘Pete’s telling me isn’t the issue. Surely the point here is what you did?’ I said with sarcasm.
‘I had to. You would never have given me a second look otherwise.’
‘Rubbish. All you had to do was sit down and talk to me.’
‘That’s not true, and you know it. I know how you felt about me. I was a prize lemon. A dork.’
‘Only because for the last couple of years, before we started going out, every time I tried to talk to you, you’d answer in monosyllables and then scoot off. I thought you considered yourself too great to talk to me.’
‘That’s because I could never think of anything to say. I really liked you, but around you I got all tongue-tied and sprouted two left feet.’
‘You managed OK when you took Pete’s place,’ I pointed out coldly.
‘It was then or never,’ replied Andrew. ‘You and Pete were going out on your first date, remember? I knew I didn’t stand much of a chance once you two became an item. And I thought all’s fair, and all that.’
‘No. It. Isn’t. What you did was wrong.’
‘I know, but I reckoned I had no choice. After a while I managed to persuade Pete that he shouldn’t say anything unless you and I split up.’
‘And just how did you manage that?’
‘He could see that I was serious about you. And you seemed to like me. We started seeing each other regularly. So I pleaded with him not to say anything to break us up, and he didn’t, until now . . .’
‘Andrew . . .’ I shut up. I couldn’t be bothered to argue since he couldn’t see past the fact that Pete had told me the truth. We carried on walking.
‘Do you wish Pete had turned up at that cinema rather than me?’ asked Andrew.
I looked at him, but he was staring straight ahead. ‘It doesn’t make much difference now, does it?’ I answered. ‘You’re the one I went on holiday with. You’re the one I’m with now.’
‘Are you sorry?’
I didn’t answer.
‘I see,’ said Andrew grimly.
‘No, you don’t. I can’t understand what made you do it. It’s not like you. It’s not the Andrew I know.’ I spoke more to myself than Andrew. Regarding him, I said aloud, ‘It makes me wonder which Andrew is the real one.’
‘The one walking next to you. And I didn’t lie to you. You just assumed you’d been stood up.’
‘You lied by omission which is just the same. Don’t play word games with me. I haven’t been doing an A-level in English Literature for nothing!’
Five minutes passed before either of us spoke again. I kept stealing glances at Andrew, still trying to figure him out.
‘Andrew, tell me the truth. Did you go out with me for your own sake or because you wanted to stick it to Pete?’
Andrew glared at me. ‘How can you even ask me that? I was crazy about you then and I’m crazy about you now. That was the only reason I needed.’
I rubbed my hand across my forehead a couple of times, fighting off the beginnings of a killer headache.
‘So what happens now?’ he asked. ‘Do we carry on looking for somewhere of our own so we can live together? Do we go back to my house? Do we . . .? What?’
‘I don’t honestly know. My head is spinning. I . . . I need to be alone for a while. I need time to think.’
My life was spiralling out of control and I needed to grab hold of it to try and stabilize it again. I’d spent the last few weeks rushing from one disastrous decision to the next and it was time to stop. Just stop.
‘Think about what?’ asked Andrew.
‘About things.’ I couldn’t say any more than that.
‘So where are you going? Home?’
‘I can’t.’ I sighed. ‘Mum thinks I’m living with you now at a friend’s house until we find a place of our own. I had to tell her that, otherwise she would’ve turned up at your house during the day asking to speak to me and then our cover would be blown. So if I go back home now, she’d only ask a ton of questions.’
‘I’m sorry.’
That word again. God, but I hated that word. Sorry doesn’t help, I thought with frustration. Sorry is worth bugger all.
A woman walking her Alsatian dog approached us. Within a couple of metres of us the dog bared its teeth and began to growl. Andrew and I stopped walking and watched it. The dog began to bark vigorously, its ears pointing straight back, its hair bristling.
‘Roxanne!’ the woman admonished. ‘Roxanne, behave!’
As I watched I was aware that for the first time I wasn’t the least bit scared of the snarling brute. Usually a dog only had to look at me askance to send me speeding in the opposite direction. This dog wasn’t being particularly aggressive or hostile; it was more scared than anything else.
‘If you don’t shut up, you could end up as our dinner . . .’ Andrew mumbled so that only I could hear h
im. I elbowed him in the ribs.
‘I’m so sorry.’ The woman smiled apologetically. ‘I can’t think what has got into her. She’s usually so friendly.’
Andrew and I smiled back. The woman practically had to pull her dog past us. And Roxanne never took her eyes off us until she was well out of our way.
‘Andrew and Jayna Services Ltd. Babies and animals love us!’ Andrew said sardonically.
‘The cheapest baby-sitting rates in town. Dark nights only. Daytime work cannot be considered,’ I added.
‘Apply to the Harrison attic.’
‘Until further notice!’
We started laughing, and it was such a welcome visitor. It didn’t stay long, but it was good whilst it lasted.
‘It feels like we haven’t done that for a while.’ Andrew said what I was thinking.
‘We used to laugh all the time,’ I remembered.
‘We haven’t had so much to laugh about recently,’ Andrew agreed.
We regarded each other.
‘Jayna—’
‘Andy—’
We spoke in unison, both stopping abruptly.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow night,’ I sighed.
‘Tomorrow? Where are you going to sleep?’ Andrew wasn’t happy – to say the least.
‘I don’t know. I just want to walk for a while. To be honest, I don’t feel like company. I have some thinking to do. I’ll find somewhere safe, don’t worry.’
‘Like where?’
‘I’ll find something. I need to be alone.’
‘I see. And tomorrow?’
‘I’ll worry about that when it gets here. Isn’t it about time I adopted your policy?’ Not knowing what else to say, I turned away.
‘Jayna . . .’
I looked round.
‘I know what you’re doing, I’m not stupid. I should have given you Pete’s message. I knew that then, and I know it now. But I’ll tell you something – if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. Not a damned thing.’
Trust Me Page 14
